Downfalls
Chapter 10 of "Blurred Edges"
The fifth part of Raphael’s narrative

"Together, Raph."

"Forever, Rock."

"It’s done."

I put my arms around his back, and drew him close to me one last time. This was a moment I had hoped would never end…but it had to. We both lay there for a few more silent moments, neither one of us wanting to move. Finally, I felt Rock squirming a bit, and I let him go. And just like that, The Moment was over. Years upon years had led up to it, and now, we had to move on with the rest of our lives.

Rock got up and started to put his clothes on, then stopped. He grabbed a change of clothes and headed for the water closet.

"What’s going on, Rock?"

"I need a shower, Raph. Just to make sure nothing gets, you know…dirty…"

"Hey, there really ARE advantages to only wearing a trenchcoat, Rock," I grinned. Very shyly, Rock grinned back.

"I know, Raph." The passion he had just shown not ten minutes previous was gone. In its place was something I’ve only seen a few times. It was a strange mix of acceptance and guilt—and that was just the part I could read. His complete emotional state right then was something I couldn’t even begin to understand, and that worried me a bit. After a decade and change, you learn quite well, thank you, what your best friend thinks in almost any given situation. It’s like, you can read it on their face. And up to this point, I had thought I had seen everything. But right then, Rock was in an emotional state I had never seen before, and that worried me. I’d seen him at different moments like this—when his emotions were going haywire on him, and when I couldn’t read him. Those moments were usually the most dangerous.

"Hey, Rock…mind if I join ya?" I grinned, half expecting him to say no.

"Um…in the shower?"

"Sure, why not? We’ve just slept with each other, mind you. Surely you think showering together is a step down," I said, following him into his bathroom.

"Well…yeah, I do. Just do me a favor."

"What’s that, Rock?"

"Quit calling me Shirley."

I winced. I had walked right into that one. "Oh, that’s bad. That’s really bad. You’re OK, then, Rock?"

"Mmmm…kinda-sorta. I’ll start hating myself in about an hour or so, if that," he said in a distant voice, looking into the mirror.

"Hey. Rock." I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me. "You’re OK. Don’t hate yourself, kapeesh?"

He hung his head, and closed his eyes—the usual indicator that he was afraid of me. I wasn’t going to tolerate that this time.

"Hey." I raised his chin. "Look at me."

He kept his eyes closed. "What we just did is wrong, Raph. You know that."

"Come here." I embraced him again. "Don’t think about that. Think about what’s ahead of us. We have a lifetime together to look forward to. And isn’t that what you’ve wanted for all these years?"

He was crying into my shoulder. "But can we…you know…not sleep with each other for a while? I’m just…I’m just so confused right now."

"Tell you what." I moved him back so we could look into each other’s eyes. "Let’s shower, and then I’ll take you over to our place and we can talk to the others."

"Is Splinter along?"

"Yeah, he is…but I want to keep him out of this for the time being. Leo’s going to be bad enough to deal with as it is, and he’ll no doubt drag Splinter into this before too long. But for now, just you, me, Leo, Don, and Mike. Sound OK?"

"Yeah."

"All right. Now let’s hit the rain locker."

He sighed. "Yeah."

We walked into the small bathtub room. The glass door was already slid open, waiting for us.

"Hang on one second," Rock ordered, and walked back into his part of the bathroom. He grabbed a handful of toilet paper, walked back to where I was, and ran the wad over the drain cover, clearing out the hair that was sitting there.

"Blech," I grimaced, as Rock put the whole mess in the toilet bowl and flushed it away. "How the heck does that get there?"

"The idea is that all that hair won’t end up clogging the pipes. Works like a new version of Internet Explorer, though. Every other month we have to have the maintenance crew come in here and snake it out."

"Pleasant." I stepped over to the shower, and put one leg in. "May I?"

"Yeah."

I climbed in, and moved back towards the back so that Rock could be closer to the showerhead. He climbed in, closed the door, and squatted down to adjust the water. His backside was well below my reach, so I didn’t even try anything frisky. I just watched him adjust the water, which took him a good minute or so. He finally stood up, and lowered the showerhead so it was pointing straight down. He backed into me, and pulled up the shower thing-a-ma-jig. I didn’t make any untoward moves.

The water came out, and Rock checked it with his hand before resetting the showerhead and stepping under it. "That water comes out ice-cold when you hit it." He threw his head back, and let the water caress his face and run down his hair.

I reached over to his hair and started playing with it. He laughed, and reached back towards me, his hands finding my sides about halfway up. We stepped together, and Rock dropped his arms and let me caress him again. "Hmm…Raph…"

"Raph yourself," I whispered in his ear, and nuzzled his cheek. "Together forever, right, Rock?"

"Yeah…" He moved his head away from mine none the less. I followed, bringing my head back next to his, and put my right arm across his nipples, my left just above his navel.

He instantly tensed up. "Raph, no. Not again. Please?" It was a question, not a demand. I moved my left hand down for a moment, teased him, then let him go. He grunted as I touched his sensitive parts, but didn’t respond.

"Ah, later, Rock. We’ve got our lives in front of us. No hurry. Come on and wash up, then we’ll go out and have a word or two with Mikey."

He grabbed the soap, and started running it over almost every square inch of his nether regions. He paid particular attention to the parts he had entered me with, making sure every last speck was gone before putting down the soap. He went over the rest of his body with less concern. I was gently running my hands over various safe parts of him the whole time, and Rock wasn’t complaining.

He finally rinsed off, shut off the water, and opened the door to the shower. He stepped out and grabbed his towel, drying off in a hurry.

"Hey, Rock, you want to dry me off?"

"What?"

"I want you to dry me off. Nothing too nasty, just run the towel over me so I’m not dripping wet. It is kinda cold out there, and I don’t want any water on my skin."

He rolled his eyes. "Come on out, Raph…"

I stepped out of the shower and stood there, dripping wet. Rock looked at his towel, then me. He tentatively started drying me off, starting with my head.

"Raph…this is ridiculous…"

"Nah, come on, Rock, work with me here," I smiled as innocently as I could.

"Whatever." He started toweling off my neck, then my shoulders, slowly and methodically. He moved down to my arms, gently massaging them with the towel, and keeping his eyes on what he was doing. He got down towards the lower end of my plastron, then knelt down to finish drying me off. But as he knelt, he hesitated, reaching out his hands to touch my legs again.

"Hey, Rock." I reached down. "Easy. I don’t want you hating yourself again, OK? Just dry me off, and then we’ll go out and talk to Mike."

Silently, he nodded. I stood back up, and he started drying off my legs. He moved his hands over my thighs ever so slowly, as if he were afraid to even be near them. (Considering how obsessed he’d been with them over the years, I couldn’t blame him right then.) As he dried off the back part of them—the part that roughly matches up to the human butt—he moved quickly, trying to avoid the stigma of touching them for too long. "Relax, Rock." He moved his toweling down to my calves and feet, and just like that, I was dry.

"Whew. Now wasn’t that torture."

"Hey, Rock, you’re not gonna hate yourself, remember? Together forever. And that’s all both of us have wanted, right?"

He had his drawers on, and had one leg in his pants. But when I had finished asking the question, he sort of stopped and looked down, eyes open, a blank expression on his face. I could tell he was confused.

"What’s wrong, Rock?"

He shook his head and blinked. "Everything. Nothing. I don’t know, Raph. It’s just that this is just…it’s just too…I don’t have the words."

"Maybe I do. Maybe it’s just that you’ve been both wishing for, and fearing, this moment for more than a decade. And now that it’s over, you’re realizing that it’s not quite what you expected. Am I right?"

He finished putting his jeans on, that blank look still on his face. "Yeah."

"Let me go out on a limb here. You’re having second thoughts."

He looked at me, the fear in his eyes almost palpable. "Are you going to hurt me if I say yes?"

"No, no, no, Rock, come here…" And I reached over and hugged him, keeping my arms well above his midriff. His first reaction was to tense up, as usual. But this time, the longer I held him, the more relaxed he got. We stood there for a couple of seconds, when suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"Guys? You OK in there?" It was Mikey. His voice was shaking, and I could tell he was upset with himself.

"Yeah, Mike, we’re good. Rock’s just finishing getting dressed, and then we’re taking him over to our place."

The door opened just enough for Mike to stick his head in. "What are you talking about, Raph?"

"Well, Rock wanted to discuss this whole thing with all of us as a group. You want to tell him why, Rock?"

It was a surprise curveball that I knew Rock wasn’t ready for. He gave me a nasty, frightened look, then looked over at Mikey. "I kinda wanted to talk to Don and Leo, too," Rock improvised. "I mean, Leo’s always the one who knows the answers, and I think Don is probably the best in terms of…how do I put this…intelligent compassion, or something. I don’t know. I just…wanted to talk to you all as a group, is all."

"Something tells me Raph’s putting you up to this. He wants you to play defense attorney on his behalf. He’s gonna be in heap big trouble when we get back to our place, Rock, and you probably don’t want to see it since you like him so much."

"He won’t. Because I’m the one who made the final decision, remember?"

Mike looked at him, shook his head, then left and closed the door.

Rock put on his polo shirt—which I noticed was red, oddly enough—and then donned his socks. I didn’t touch him.

We both walked out into the living room, where Mike was sitting on the couch, looking like he’d been blindsided with a blackjack. "Hey. Mike. Chin up. We’re going home, and we’re taking Rock along."

"You sure you want to do this, Rock?"

Rock looked at me for only a moment, a pleading look in his eyes. When he saw the look I was giving him, he looked back at Mike and said, "Yeah, I’m sure."

Mike gave me a nasty look. "Raph, what are you doing to him?"

Rock and I traded looks. Rock then answered the question. "Nothing that I never asked for."

That answer didn’t please Mikey—it kinda frightened him, actually—but he knew better than to press the issue. "All right…let’s go…I hope Leo rips you a second bung-hole."

"I don’t." Rock’s words froze Mikey in his tracks.

Mikey looked at his feet for a second, then looked at Rock like he was looking at a ghost. "What the hell is he doing to you, Rock?"

It was Rock’s turn to hang his head. "Nothing I haven’t already seen, done, wished for…this is what I wanted, Mike." His voice was so low, we could hardly hear him.

Mike was afraid to get near him. "There’s something seriously wrong between you two. Raph, I don’t know what the hell you’re doing to him, but knock it off, PLEASE…I thought you were…were…above this, or something. And Rock…" He looked at Rock with something approaching fear—amusing, since Rock doesn’t know the first thing about martial arts and is about as dangerous as a de-clawed kitten whose teeth are capped with rubber. "Rock, what are you? How could you…? Why him, why this, why so long? Don’t you know this isn’t right?"

Rock said nothing. He opened the main closet and got out our coats, followed by his own—a reversible Baltimore Orioles parka, which was gaudy the way an aircraft carrier has a high top speed. (So high it’s classified, just so you’ll know.) You could see this Orioles parka a mile away, and that was on the muted side. The loud side is almost solid neon orange—think Kenny from South Park, only Day-glow. The others would see us coming long before we got there.

We all put on our coats. Rock handed us our hats, and grabbed his boots, gloves and "Kyle hat." (His name for it, also inspired by South Park.) We headed outside into the cold. "Don’t talk to us, Rock," I told him from behind my collar and fedora. "We’ll tell you where to go. Down the hill." He walked down the hill, minding his steps. We got down to the bottom of the hill, from where we directed him over to Warren Road and then west toward our development. Rock was silent, and neither Mike nor I said anything. We reached our development, then directed him to our house.

Mike knocked four times, waited three seconds, knocked twice, waited three seconds, then knocked three times. Don opened the door, noticed Rock, and did one nasty double take. "Uh-oh. Trouble. Get inside, guys."

"Rock?" I asked. He walked in past Donatello and waited in the entryway. Mike and I followed, and I closed the door and locked it. Rock shuddered when the lock hit home.

"Get Leo down here, Don. Raph decided he wanted to get a little frisky." Don looked at Mike, and his eyes got as big as teacups.

"He didn’t."

"Yeah, Don, we did." It was Rock speaking, very quietly. "I wanted to talk to you all as a group."

Don ran upstairs, and we could hear him yelling, "Leo!" as he turned at the top of the stairs. All three of us took off our cold weather gear. Mike then headed for our living room, and Rock and I followed. Mike settled in one of our easy chairs, while Rock and I headed for the couch. Rock sat in the middle, with me at his right. None of us spoke.

Don came down the stairs alone, heading for the living room. "Leo’s on his way down. Raph, I hope to God you got a good workout this morning. I think he wants to decapitate you, or something. He’s not a happy camper." Don looked at the available seats—Rock’s left on the couch, and the other easy chair—and sat down next to Rock on the couch. Rock squirmed when Don sat down, but said nothing.

Leo came down the stairs, and came over to the living room. He looked at Rock and me, and said nothing. I could tell from the look on his face that he meant murder. Thing was, Rock couldn’t tell what was going on. He wasn’t as familiar with Leo as I was, and he didn’t know that his life was in danger. Oh, he was scared, don’t get me wrong. But not as scared as he should have been.

Don coughed, trying to break the tension. "Where’s Master Splinter?"

Leo gave him a dangerously blank look. "In his room. Asleep."

Mike and Don looked at each other, and I knew exactly what they were thinking: "This is gonna be dangerous."

Leo noticed, but didn’t acknowledge it. He looked at Rock, then me, then Rock, then me. Before I could even reach for my sai, Leo had his sword against my neck. "Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kill you right now for what you’ve done."

Mike spoke up immediately. "Leave him alone, Leo."

"No. This is over the line. No brother of mine is going to be a rapist and live."

"Leo—" Rock was terrified, but knew that if he didn’t speak, I was dead. "He isn’t a rapist, Leo. I…I…" Leo gave him a look that would have sent even me running if it had been directed at me, but Rock kept talking, seemingly on auto-pilot. "I asked him for this, Leo. It’s my fault. I’m the one you should be killing." Mike and Don were absolutely horrified, while I was still more concerned with the katana sitting on my jugular.

There was dead silence in the room for a good minute at least. Leo continued to study Rock (who by now was getting nervous, having realized what he’d said). Leo closed his eyes, pursed his lips, and angrily sheathed his katana. He walked over to the remaining easy chair, sat down, and looked both of us in the eye. He then addressed Rock. "Tell me why. I’m not going to hurt you, OK?" All three of us turtles knew he was lying. And that worried us a lot. "But something tells me there’s more to this story than I’ve heard."

"You want the short version, or the long version?"

"Short. Better yet, tell me why you and Raph wanted to hook up so bad." I knew he was going for a double entendre, but I knew better than to acknowledge it.

"I don’t remember. I just remember…that all the while I’ve known Raph, I’ve been fascinated by him. And part of the fascination…" Rock gulped, then continued. "Part of it was sexual. I mean…" Rock shook his head, then spoke quickly. "I mean, look, you guys aren’t exactly unattractive in some ways."

"You guys?" Leo stopped him short. "Have you ever thought about…" He motioned at himself, Mike, and Don, and said nothing.

"A couple of times. There were some times I wondered what it would be like to be with all four of you at once." It was a mistake. If he had known, he never would have said it, because he’d have known it would send Leo over the edge. Which is pretty much what happened.

"WHAT??!!" Leo all but spat.

Rock hung his head. "There were times…sometimes when I was just at the end of my string that I just wanted you all…all for different reasons."

Rock looked across at Mikey. "Mike, I wanted you because you’ve always known how to laugh. I wanted to know…what…what fun was…" Mike looked back at him, a look of complete terror on his face. Something tells me I should have warned him how crazy Rock really was about this before we got here. Water under the bridge, I guess. But this…this, even I hadn’t known. This was worrying even me.

Rock turned to Don. "Don, I always thought you’d be…be…" He stopped, then searched for the words. "You’d know exactly how to treat me. I always pictured you as…as someone who I could almost be, somehow. And I…I thought there was a lot we could learn if we’d been…together…" Don was shocked. He hadn’t known. Hell, I hadn’t known. And I think that somehow, even Rock hadn’t known until this moment.

Rock looked with terror at Leo. "And you…you’ve always been the one I thought would…would be…the one that would strive to be the best at it…that maybe, if you and I…"

"SILENCE!" Leo thundered. He looked at Rock with a rage that I thought even I couldn’t muster. "You want to know? DO YOU??!!"

I had never seen Rock this scared, ever. Not once, in more than a decade. The nod he gave was almost imperceptible, but we all knew.

Leo stormed over to the couch, grabbed him by the shoulders, and brought his face to within less than an inch of Rock’s. "Then you’re going to." He pulled back, and looked at all of us. "Don, Mike, I think we need to show him what it’s really like. Just so he doesn’t want this any more. Anyone disagree?" he snarled.

Now it was Don’s turn to play white knight. "Leo, snap out of it. Don’t do to him what you hate Raph for doing, you’re only becoming what you’re trying to get revenge for…"

"SHUT UP!" Leo growled. "If he wants to find out, I say we show him. All of us. Including you and Mike."

Don, Mike, and I all looked at each other, and knew we had no chance. Not against Leo when he was like this, not even if all three of us tried to stop him. We might eventually succeed, but we’d end up in traction as a result. When Leo was like this—as completely and totally seething as he was—the only thing we’d ever been able to do, was obey. And now, none of us would leave un-scarred. Don and Mike for obvious reasons, me because I’d started this whole mess, Rock because he’d come over here of his own free will, and Leo because he hates himself when he loses it like this. In a way, that made him very much like Rock.

After a moment of stunned silence, Leo spoke up again. "Downstairs. All of you." No one moved for a good fifteen seconds. Then Rock, who had been through this drill before, walked to the basement door, and started downstairs. I followed next, then Don, then Mike, and finally Leo. My heart went out to Mike. He’d just gotten back from being in the same apartment where Rock and I were getting horizontal, and he was trying to recover from just that, when now he had some fresh scars to deal with. I told myself I’d have to have a long talk with him once this was over. Assuming he’d ever forgive me.

Rock walked over to where my "room" was. It was so ironic it was silly. Both Rock and I were going to be involved with each other in the other’s room. But neither of us would have guessed the circumstances surrounding this encounter.

"Hold him, Raph," Leo commanded.

"He doesn’t have to," Rock said, his voice registering about 7 on the Richter scale. "I’ll cooperate."

"Come to me." Rock walked over to Leo in utter terror.

In short order, Leo had him back in his birthday suit for the second time that day. "Gather around, guys. Let’s get this over with."

Rock started to say something, and Leo put a hand on his mouth. "Not a word. No one say a word. We will do this in silence."

The three of us surrounded Rock as Leo gently lowered him to the floor.

"Silence Must Be Heard"

Look into the other’s eyes, many frustrations
Read between the lines—no words, just vibrations
Don’t ignore hidden desires
Pay attention, you’re playing with fire
Silence must be heard
Noise should be observed
The time has come to learn
That silence…
Silence must be heard
Or diamonds will burn
Friendly cards will turn
Cause silence has the right to be heard
People talk too much for what they have to say
Words without a meaning, just fading away
Silence must be heard
Noise should be observed
The time has come to learn
That silence…
Silence must be heard
Or diamonds will burn
Friendly cards will turn
Cause silence has the right to be heard