Part Twenty Two: Raphael



When they arrived at their home in Mojave, Raphael and Rahab gingerly moved the children to their respective rooms, and then, still too agitated to sleep, sat quietly together in the atrium and gazed up at the stars through the sloping glass ceiling.

There was no sign of Leo, as he had obviously left their place shortly after Rahab did, and Raphael seemed to relax, after realizing this. "Just don't want any more confrontations," he had said to Rahab. "I'm wired enough as it is."

"Speaking of which, I never got to ask you how it went," Rahab said. "Or how you're feeling lately."

Raphael shrugged. "I'm doing all right. Feeling better."

"How's the medication working?"

"It's okay."

Rahab fell silent, then she noticed Raphael was watching her out of the corner of his eye.

"It's not an easy thing to go into in great detail, you know," he said at length.

"I know."

"I hate talking about my problems."

She nodded an acknowledgement. In the quiet that followed, she heard him sigh.

"Sometimes I wonder why you want me," he said, low, as he encircled her waist with his near arm. "You know, more than the others."

"Because you're my husband."

He leaned forward to look into her face. "I mean before that. You coulda waited to find out what the others were like, first."

"I didn't want to, I wanted you."

"Why?"

She sighed, and leaned her head back to look up into the night sky. "Because, Raph..." she said after some thought, "I feel safe with you, in spite of the trouble, there's always been a window in your self, a... an open space for me to look into, that you've allowed me to see, and let me in."

Raphael snorted softly. "Safe? With me?"

She raised her head to stare at him. "Sure, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well... I'm not exactly Gandhi, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, come on, Raph, you've never raised your hand to me."

"'Course I wouldn't! But neither would my brothers..."

"I'm not so sure."

It was Raphael's turn to stare. "Why do you say that?"

"Raph, you saw what happened tonight," Rahab burst out. "I thought Mike was going to kill me!"

"If he wanted to kill you, you wouldn't have seen it coming, sweetheart," Raphael said in return. "It's sort of like being afraid of the thunder, when it's the lightning that does the damage. So stop worrying about it."

"Stop WORRYING about it?"

"Stop worrying about it."

"Raph-"

"You shouldn't have jumped him like that."

"He insulted me!"

Raphael sighed impatiently. "Didn't you absorb anything Splinter taught you? There are better ways to deal with insults than to lose control. Believe me, I KNOW."

"I don't understand what Mike was talking about, that time he said there's a lot I don't know about you. I've never seen you lose control like he did. Seems Mike's the one who's prone to violence, not you."

Raphael shook his head slowly. "It's one of those things we never talked about, Rahab."

"About what?"

"My past."

"Sure you have! You told me all about it."

"Not all of it."

"You said you had nothing to hide," Rahab said accusingly.

"So I don't."

"Then what's the big secret?"

"There isn't any big secret."

"So how come you never told me?"

Raphael shrugged a little. "You never asked."

"I'm asking now," Rahab said, watching him closely.

His eyes met hers, and he smiled a little, sort of the way Leo usually did. "All right," he said softly. "I'll tell you. Remember when I told you about the mess my brothers and I were in with that van, and we ended up in the County Jail, and since nobody had ever seen the likes of us before, the brass didn't know what to do with us, so we just sat in our cells for weeks?"

"Yeah, I know."

"And then the press got wind of our existance and whereabouts and got all those people from those Animal Rights groups and Native American Tribes and stuff and they came out in a big protest and demanded our release, and there was all that publicity... and then all these P.R. and marketing people came and talked to us and started this whole big thing about us, and all the comics and stuff they put out about us, and we got famous, and made a great whopping wad of money..."

"Yes, of course I remember that," Rahab said quickly. "What about it?"

"Maybe you know how Don and Mike made their fortunes, huh? And how Leo gave his share to the monastery..." Raphael stopped, and chewed on his lower lip, as though deep in thought. "He's not one to be terribly materialistic, huh? Can you imagine, just giving up all that dough, and then..."

"And YOU gave all yours to Don," Rahab finished the sentence for him. "Though I can't imagine why, heaven knows, he doesn't need it."

"No, I lost it all." Raphael said mildly.

"You LOST your money?" Rahab's eyes grew wide. "What, gambling?"

"Lawsuits."

"Lawsuits? How?" Rahab breathed.

"I lost my temper, Rahab. I lost control."

"What happened?"

Raphael turned to face her fully, and looked her over a moment. "It's amazing..." he said, leaning his head against the couch cushion, "...how something that stupid could affect me for the rest of my life. It wasn't long after they made that first movie about us- you know, that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie- that I was hanging out in this bar over on 10th Avenue, in New York, kind of off celebrating by myself, semi-incognito, and I was talking to this really nice looking lady who told me she had a thing for big turtles. Well, these goons came in, about eight of 'em, and they were just lit up like Christmas trees, high as anything, and the ugliest one comes over and starts hitting up on this woman I was talking to, so after she tells him to lose himself, and he won't, I opened up my big mouth and said, 'You heard the lady, now take a f-ing hike.' He got a good look at me, which took a while, since it was pretty dark in there, and most of me was covered up with a coat, and he was as numb as a haddock. Once he figured out who and what I was, he started laughing like crazy and the other goons joined in with him, backing him up. They must have thought I was one of the guys from the local movie theater in costume, promoting that movie about us, 'cause they had a lot of nasty things to say about me and my brothers. Which wasn't so bad, but then they started talking dirt about Splinter, I lost it big time, and cleaned up the place. Then I scaled the eight idiots into the dumpster out back, and took off with my lady friend. Then when I finally went back to my apartment the next morning, they had the entire First Precinct and the frigging D.A.'s office camped out at my front door, waiting for me."

Raphael had started talking fast, apparently in agitation at recounting his ordeal, then seemed to pause for breath. His hands had tightened into fists, and he opened and closed them in an attempt to relax. He nervously glanced at Rahab, who remained silent, and he went on.

"Well, I didn't know what the hell was going on, because I'd been pretty well hung over, so they filled me in real fast, and said I'd put about eight people in the hospital, all of 'em in bad shape. Turned out one of the goons died of his injuries, so they tossed me in the city tank. I didn't like that too much, too damn noisy in there, but I knew I didn't have a choice. I could have bolted, but I had to consider the fact that my brothers would have gone after me, because they didn't want to put up with the police coming down on THEM, not to mention preserving Splinter's honor, I think that's what kept me together enough to stay passive. Don was the only one who wasn't too pissed to see me, and he decided to help me out, and got a bunch of lawyers teamed up, and they managed to reduce the bad rap the D.A was trying to nail me with, so I only did about a year or so at Newburgh. Got two years of probation on top of that, and then I thought it was all over. No such luck, because while I was still in there, I had to go back to court again, on all that wrongful death and personal injury crap. Got my butt sued so bad, I lost everything. Lost my cars, my condo, my place in the Catskills, everything, it all went on the auction block. Apparently those greasy little piss-ant lawyers that the goons hired won the case because they made such a big sob story out of it all, about how their clients, the poor slobs, had families to support, and they were going to have lasting physical problems, most of them in wheelchairs the rest of their lives, because of what I, that big, ugly snot-green monster did to them, and all that crap, so that by the time they finished with me, even the judge hated my guts, and just sat back and let them BLEED me dry. By the time I got out of prison, I had about fifty bucks to my name. I stayed at Don's place up in Croton after that and proceeded to drink myself into a stupor every night for the next three and a half months that he was away, reading what the tabloids had said about me and crying like a little kid on the self-pity pot, until he came back and gave me a good swift kick in the can and told me to get up and go to work for him, and earn my keep, and I've been doing that, ever since."

"Doing what," Rahab heard herself say.

Raphael wearily closed his eyes. "Just... stuff."

Rahab sat quietly, trying to take in all that he had said, but it was difficult to digest it all. A lawsuit... jail, prison? Some would consider that to be a humiliating experience, especially for those in the family. The publicity must have been awful... but Don had come to his aid, and so that is why it was to Don that Raphael owed so much. But how much?

"Raph," she said, nudging him gently on the shoulder. "Let's sleep on this, okay? You need to recharge your batteries for Devon in the morning... Raph?"

He stirred. "Hn?" He blinked and sat up. "Musta fallen asleep."

"Come on, big guy, let's call it a day, it's been overlong."



The next few days for the both of them were a matter of settling down into a routine, dealing with Devon, and Gaele... and Seth. Seth was not a troublesome baby, but he demanded a lot of Rahab's attention, which the others did not appreciate very much. Whenever Rahab sat down to nurse Seth, Devon would ask Rahab for a place on her lap, then, if she refused him, would throw a tantrum until Raphael came in and bodily removed him from the room. Gaele then would come in and stand at Rahab's knee and ask if she could hold Seth, and then ask numerous questions: What color would Seth be when he was older, how come his tail wasn't as long as hers and Devon's, why was Leo his Daddy, and worse of all, when was HER Daddy coming back to pick her up? Raphael tried to get her to go with him and play with Devon, but eventually she refused, and sulked in the corner, and picked up the annoying habit of sucking her thumb, like Devon. Rahab thought she was going to go stark raving loony, until they had a former favorite sitter come back to assist with the children. Then Rahab breathed a little easier.

Raphael, on the other hand, didn't like being around Seth very much, which bothered Rahab to no end. Even on the coziest of mornings, Raphael would get up and disappear for the duration of Seth's feeding, and then it took some cajoling on her part to get him in a more congenial mood afterward.

"But why don't you like him, Raph?" Rahab asked, following him down the hall one afternoon, with Seth draped in her arms. "He's sweet! Surely you aren't going to-"

Raphael turned around and faced her, mouth tight. "You know how I feel about him, Rahab, I'm just not comfortable around him. He's- I dunno- wierd."

"He's just a tiny little baby, Raph. He didn't ask to be here..."

"How do you know," Raphael countered. "You heard Leo, he had all those wierd dreams, I think this is a bad omen, that kid's not exactly normal."

"Oh, give me a break!" Rahab retorted. "You are talking about my SON here, and there's nothing- besides, what makes you think YOU are so normal, or-"

"Oh, thanks a lot! Like I really needed that, Rahab, I have to give you credit, you really know how to rip a guy up, both inside AND out."

"WILL you let me finish," Rahab nearly shouted, except Seth's furrowed brow toned her down. "Raph," she said when she took a breath. Raphael was already headed toward the atrium. "Raphael!" He kept walking.

Rahab felt like crying, but she resolutely headed toward a shady part of the garden, to her favorite chaise lounge to feed Seth. As she settled in a comfortable position, she looked down at the baby, who was closely watching her with his wide, colorless eyes. She felt a warmth, a sweetness that washed over her and made her smile at him, and forget her pain. He smiled.



Raphael came back with the evening, acting as though nothing had happened, and Rahab decided not to ask where he'd been. She knew how much he liked to go off by himself. It wasn't until he stretched out on the bed beside her to sleep, that she turned toward him.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

He yawned. "Good," he said.

She put an arm around his neck, to keep his face close to hers. "Honey... we need to talk," she murmered in his ear.

"Right now? About what?" He said in a mild but impatient tone.

"About Seth."

He tried to pull away from her, but she had rested her claws on his neck in such a way that if he moved, he'd get hooked. He grasped her wrist to reposition her arm, but she curled the fingers of her other hand around his near arm, just enough for the claws to indent the skin a little. He relaxed again, and sighed. "Rahab, what do you want?"

"I want to talk about Seth."

Raphael closed his eyes. "Give me a break."

"Give YOU a break," Rahab said, aghast. "Why don't you give that baby a break? Give ME a break? You think you're the only one who's hurting?"

"The baby doesn't care one way or another, Rahab."

"No, not yet. But-" She climbed up on her elbows to glare down at him. "I care!"

"Well, I don't. So, could you adjust your hooks and let me sleep, please?"

Rahab stared at him, teeth grinding, then sat up. "Sure thing, Raph. Sleep all you want!" She got up off the bed, and went to her closet, to find something to wear in a hurry.

"What are you doing?"

"Raphael, if you don't want to work things out, why don't you just come out and say so? Why all this pussyfooting around, why waste my time?"

Raphael rolled out of bed, and slowly approached her. "What are you trying to say?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you? If you don't want to talk about the baby, then I suppose I'll have to go elsewhere to do it."

"Where?"

"What do you care-"

"WHERE, Rahab?"

She frowned at him, jaws taut. "Don't yell at me." She continued to push clothes aside, until she found what she wanted, and removed it from its hanger. "Maybe I'll just go back to Japan, seems there's more friendly sorts there, to be had." She stopped when she felt Raphael's hands firmly grip her shoulders. Her back was to him, so she leaned her face against the smooth closet door. She could feel his breath on her neck as he spoke.

"What are you gonna do, Rahab? You think you can go back there by yourself? You think you can take Damien with you and expect to be welcomed with open arms? You have a lot to learn, you know that? A LOT to learn."

When Raphael finally released her, she spun and cuffed him in the face, before he could react. He was so taken aback, he did nothing but stare at her.

"YOU are the one who has a lot to learn, Raphael. You think you can insult me, and my son, and expect me to stand there and take it, well, I'm not! I've HAD it with you, and Mike and Leo, you think you have it all together, but you're just a bunch of overgrown, egotistical, sadistic little boys, playing head games and hide-and-seek with each other, with no regard to anybody else, not even your own children. Just say and do whatever you DAMN well please, and to HELL with the consequences!"

Without looking at him, she stomped out of the bedroom, and down the hall toward the main part of the house, through the atrium and out into the garden. She was so furious she hardly knew where she was going. She eventually found herself at the far edge of the garden, far enough away from the house, without actually leaving. She sat on the stone bench there, and held her head for a long time.

She sensed someone watching her, and looked up. Raphael was sitting on the opposite bench, his hands resting on his knees, as though to support his upper body. He opened his mouth a little, and cocked his head a thoughtful moment. "Rahab?"

"Yes, Raph," she answered, sighing.

"I'm sorry."

She didn't answer.

"Seems my life is turning back upside down, and it's my fault again. I dunno why I do these things to myself."

"What are you doing to yourself?"

"Screwing things up."

Rahab shook her head. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Us."

"Look, Raph," she said, getting up to walk over to him. "All you have to do is talk to me. Why won't you talk, don't you trust me?"

Raphael looked at his feet.

"Raph?"

"It just seems my life is cursed, Rahab, I don't trust anything, not even myself anymore. What have I done that's so terrible, to deserve all this heartache?"

"Heartache? You think you are the only one that has heartache, Raph?"

"No."

"Don't you think the others have some sort of heartache to bear? Mike, Don... even Leo?"

He looked up at her so fiercely, she took a step back. "I don't want to LOSE you, Rahab... to them." he said in a tense voice.

"Them?"

"Leo."

"Leo???"

"LEO," he repeated, standing up. "Maybe you never knew what it was all about, between him and me."

"I might have an idea," Rahab said evenly. "It might be similar to what is going on between you and Mike."

Raphael snorted in disgust. "Mike's just plain pathetic! Sometimes I think when it comes to brains he got the short end of the stick. But Leo's a different story."

"How different, Raph?"

He gave her a look between pity and mild disgust. "What, you don't think Leo and Mike are different?"

"I said HOW different," Rahab retorted, folding her arms in response.

"Major difference. Mike was a burr in my blanket, an annoyance, but Leo was... a threat. When he wanted things his way, he went to no small lengths to get it. He's a crafty, manipulating little bastard, and when he wanted his way, he got it. I might have been on to him, even kicked his scrawny butt, only he'd come right back at me from a different angle, until he won. He had everything, he had speed, and skill, and determination, and he got better at defending himself, and HE had Master Splinter's favor. Whatever I tried to go for, he ended up getting. He always accused me of insubordination, but it was HE who undermined MY authority."

"Ah. Sibling rivalry," Rahab said. "Or maybe a complicated version of 'King of the Hill', which didn't end with childhood?"

"Don't you think that the oldest should command the most respect, Rahab?" Raphael said suddenly.

"That depends on if the oldest deserves that respect."

"Don't I?"

"In my book, yes."

"You know, I thought I had something on all of them, especially Leo. When I introduced you to him, I felt so damn proud of myself... I had you and he didn't. But wouldn't you know," he said, and laughed mirthlessly. "Once he got wind of it, he came over and TOOK it all away, just like THAT!" He snapped his fingers on the last word.

"Took WHAT away?"

Raphael came up to her, his face close to hers. "You and I had a son, remember? Then what happened?"

Rahab stared at him. "I see," she said after a long pause.

He nodded slowly in acknowledgement. "Now you get it?"

"But you can't punish Seth for this... stupidity."

"I'm not the one who brought him into this world, Rahab."

"But you're my husband."

"I HOPE so."

"But what about Seth?"

"He has a father, let HIM worry about it."

"He's not going to see much of him, Raph."

Raphael narrowed his eyes at her. "Why? What did he tell you?"

"Not much."

"Oh, of course, how typical of him," Raphael said in a sarcastic tone. "He just hasn't figured out his next scheme yet."

"I thought you liked Leo," Rahab said.

"I did. I thought that all the crap was behind us, until THIS happened. Now it's gonna be nothing but TROUBLE."

"Seth isn't trouble, Raph. Just... will you be kind to him?" Rahab leaned into Raph, and put her hands on his shoulders.

Raphael sighed gustily, as he held her, and rested his chin on her shoulder. "All right, I'll give it a shot."

She kissed him in response. "You won't regret it, Raph. It will really keep down the stress factor, heaven knows, we don't need it."

"No, we don't need it."

Next section... Rahab 23

Back to... Rahab's Page