Part 6: Emergence
It was not easy going without food, but after four days, it didn't seem so
unbearable. The biggest problem Seth was having was with that old monster
named Boredom. He'd never had trouble with it before, since the fasts and
meditation were self initiated, and somehow it was easier knowing that he
could end it whenever he wanted. He did have his New Testament, but he missed
reading his source of strength, the book of Psalms.
The time passed slowly, Leo seemed to do little other than stare into the
fire, lost in his own complex world of thoughts, and taking frequent cat
naps.
Seth recalled little else, other than reading the same passages over and
over gain, as though time had stopped and curled up into a little spiral
where things happened over and over and over, and nothing progressed.
But somehow, this spiral descended as the pile of firewood dwindled, as did
the fire, making the room much colder than before. Wrapped in layers of felt
and goatskins, they huddled in front of the hearth, to sip at weak tea, and
hold their numb fingers to the almost imaginary warmth of the glowing
embers.
Why go into this willingly, Seth wanted to say to Leo one nonexistent morning,
which was only morning when they woke up enough to add another tiny sliver
of wood to the heap of coals and sip more water, to fend off dehydration.
Seth had a lot of things he wanted to say, but he didn't have the energy
to talk. Leo sat as still as one of his own wooden sculptures, under his
tent of goatskins, and stared with half opened eyes into the hearth, which
was the only light they had to see by, now that the oil lamp had run dry.
He seemed more at peace, as though immersing himself in physical deprivations
was a release from the demons for a while.
When the firewood ran out, there was nothing to look at, it was too dark
now to see anything. That was when the mind started filling in the gaps.
When it didn't have enough stimuli, it would create its own. Seth at times
forgot the darkness, forgot the cold, and saw sunlight and warmth, and the
ocean breeze blowing through his hair. He could hear the thunder of the surf,
and taste the salt spray. He then heard the familiar hymns on Sunday morning,
he was in the little building that housed the church when it met for worship
service. He saw the preacher, the familiar, grey-whiskered face by the
river.
"Seth, welcome! It is good to see you again," the man said.
"Thank you, it is good to be here," Seth said in return, as he sat down at
a pew. He opened his Bible, and listened intently to the sermon, as he always
did.
It was about the miracle of the blind man. Jesus had healed him on the Sabbath,
and the Pharisees accused him of breaking the Law. John 9:41... Jesus said,
"If you were truly blind, you would not be guilty of sin. But now that you
say you can see, your guilt remains."
Seth opened his eyes to the black darkness and cold of reality. He rose,
slowly, his joints stiff, and felt for the warm ashes of the hearth. There
were none, and the air seemed to crackle with frost. This is it, he thought
with a calm detachment. We are going to freeze to death today, and Leo is
not ready to go to the river... not ready, and therefore neither am I.
Leo stirred from under his blankets. "Seth," he said in a half whisper. "Come
lie with me, we will combine our covers and keep each other warm."
"Uhm... okay," Seth muttered, slowly extricating himself to crawl up against
Leo's side. He wanted to ask him what was the point, they weren't going to
make it, why drag out the end? Leo reached up and raised the edge of his
covers to let Seth slide underneath, and together they laid the other blankets
on top. Then the covers settled, burying them in a cocoon of relative warmth.
Time became one endless minute, where Seth lay in his father's embrace, neither
asleep nor awake, but in some sort of trance.
"Seth."
Numb, he stirred, and felt his knees crackle with disuse.
"Seth."
"Hmmm?"
"Come on, Seth. Wake up."
His eyes fought to stay closed,and his brain ground irritably, like the worn
gears of a truck climbing a steep grade.
"Whuh... schoon? Foo?" Seth grimaced and worked his mouth, trying to remember
how to form words. "Scull?"
A gentle hand nudged his flank, and he finally rolled over and raised his
head. His eyes focused on a pale robed figure, squatting over him, holding
a brown, steaming bowl. "Drink this, it will wake you a bit more."
"Father?"
The figure's robe rustled. "So, you have decided to address me as Father?"
"Yes, considering school," Seth said.
"School?" Leo sat still a moment as though to interpret the meaning. Then
he laughed a little. "Is that what you would call this?"
"N-never mind... forgot where I was..." Seth accepted the bowl with trembling
hands. "Feel so stupid... and weak."
"Drink," Leo said, "And stretch a little. You won't be weak long, with these
herbs... and once we get some fresh meat."
"Is it- Spring?"
"It's raining, listen."
Seth listened, but all he could hear was the thrumming of blood vessels in
his ears. "It does feel a lot warmer."
"Compared to what it was, yes."
After a while, Seth managed to stand on legs that were as flimsy as bamboo
shoots. Leo's supporting hands kept him from falling flat. "You must have
been up a while, huh?" Seth said as he teetered back and forth.
"Yes, a while. Long enough to go out and find more wood. The snow has turned
to rain."
"Oh, so the wood is wet, right?" Seth sank back down on the blankets. "Big
deal. You can't even use it."
"My boy, what has happened to all that optimism?" Leo sat back on his heels
to study him.
"I don't feel all that good."
"The tea will help."
"Tea? I'm dead sick of that stuff." Seth struggled to his feet. "Gotta get
out of here, before I go nuts."
"Yes, a walk outside will do you good." Leo helped him to his feet again,
and held him steady as Seth stumbled around the tiny room. Once he regained
his balance, he grabbed Leo's shoulder and allowed him to lead the way to
the front door.
Once outside, Seth inhaled the moist, chilly air, and felt the sting of sleet
against his face, before he pulled his hood farther up. The temps were still
probably hovering at the freezing mark, but it was far better than subzero.
At least now they could stay outside for much longer periods of time. "It's
dark," he said, nearly losing his precarious balance on the ice.
"Nearly dawn," Leo said, pulling the lower part of his cowl across his face
to protect it from the freezing rain. "We will go looking for food then."
They went back inside, and Seth rested while Leo sat by the hearth, his back
against a stack of drying wood, and restrung his long hunting bow. He checked
each arrow, sighting along the shaft for signs of warpage, and straightened
the fletches. Seth watched his face, still the epitome of stoicism, features
sharpened from the long fast.
He finally stood and put on his outer cloak and boots, and shouldered the
quiver, adjusting the straps. He stuck his skinning knife into his belt,
and picked up the bow, his hand squeezing the leather wrapped grip hard,
as though to ready it.
"Geez," Seth said, scrambling to his feet. "You look like a cross between
a Shaolin priest and Conan the Barbarian."
Leo smiled a little at his son's comment, then inclined his head for Seth
to follow.
The first couple of hours of hunting brought nothing, but Leo was confident
that they would be more successful, and to further encourage them, the sun
broke out and lent its weak warmth to further loosen winter's frosty grip
on the land. Seth half skidded through the soggy snow and ice, down the slope
to the widening valley, edged with a few scattered woods.
Seth watched in admiration as Leo sighted a small herd of musk deer from
among a copse of conifers, about fifty meters away, and raised his bow, and
in a swift, serpentine movement nocked and released several arrows in quick
succession. The first deer kicked once and fell, then two others collapsed
in twitching heaps. When Seth approached, he could see two of the deer were
struck directly behind the shoulder, and the first one, through the eye.
"Geez," he said half to himself, turning the carcass over to inspect it.
"What I wouldn't give to shoot like that. I don't think they even knew what
hit 'em."
"It's a matter of focus, Seth," Leo said, as he twisted the arrows free,
and cleaned them in the snow. "Not to mention practice." He straightened,
and looked at the sky, as he slid the arrows back into their quiver. "Better
step it up, this warm spell isn't going to last long."
Leo shouldered two of the deer, and Seth half dragged, half carried the third
up the slope to the front gates of the monastery. He stopped to catch his
breath, and looked up to see the carved dragons on their respective poles,
now seamed and weathered, that still kept their vigil over the valley.
"Let's go, Seth," Leo said, pausing to look back at him. He glanced up at
the dragons, and then grinned, before continuing his way to the inner courtyard.
They dressed the deer and left them to hang, while they boiled the organs
to make a hunter's stew. Leo deftly retrieved one of the stomachs, and split
open its steaming contents. He smiled a little at Seth's expression.
"This is best thing to break a long fast, Seth. Very nutritious." He offered
Seth a bite, who nearly gagged.
"Tastes terrible!"
"But very good for you. Eat it up, you will need your strength."
Seth reluctantly obeyed on Leo's insistence, and then he felt much better,
afterward.
"It's something in the herbs and grasses they eat... they know what is best.
We are not the only ones who have to fast," Leo said, leaning back to relax,
his eyes closed against the warmth of the hearth.
More storms came, but they now had a fire and plenty to eat. Then the snow
melted in earnest and Spring finally came to the valley. Only on the glaring
face of Kangchenjunga, the snow stayed, covering the top of the mountain
with an eternal blanket of white.