Part 7: Frustration
"Never satisfied, I'm NEVER satisfied," Leo said. "It's a never ending quest,
a constant drive, and endless circle of unfulfilled want. It will only end
when I do."
They had just returned to the monastery, that was just outside the noise
of the city of Kathmandu. When Seth had returned from California, he was
astonished and very pleased to find Leo waiting for him in front of the airport
hangar where Don's plane had stopped. They talked little on the walk up the
path, and as Seth unpacked in his small room, Leo picked up various objects
Seth had brought back with him, and inspected them with a childlike curiousity.
"Why do you say that," Seth asked, as he set his books on a low shelf over
his bed. "If I had known you were going to be so miserable, I wouldn't have
gone home."
"Why not? I didn't SAY I was miserable." At Seth's questioning look, Leo
went on. "Maybe I should have clarified that statement. I should have said
I am UNsatisfied, as opposed to DISsatisfied."
"There's a difference?"
"Of course. The first means lack of complacency, and the second means endless,
pointless frustration."
"In other words," Seth said, as he paused from unpacking his clothes. "You
will always want to find the Truth, no matter how many answers you get."
Leo made a noncommittal noise and shrugged a little. "How will I know what
is Truth? The longer I search, the more evasive It becomes."
Seth sat on the edge of his bed to look his father over, wondering how much
change, if any, there had been since he had been gone, over the summer. Leo
seemed to have gained a little weight, but it seemed more in the way of muscle
mass, he looked like he had been doing a lot of working out. "How did things
go after I left, father?"
"Hm. Climbed a few mountains, hunted, lay back and contemplated the stars...
all the while dreaming and feeling feelings, and asking unanswerable questions.
Nothing unusual, actually."
"You seem in much better health," Seth said, smiling at him before resuming
his unpacking.
"Yes, I suppose," Leo said, and leaned against the wall to gaze at his son
thoughtfully. "Though I still have a long way to go."
"Don't we all," Seth said. "I take it Don and Gaele's visit here didn't disturb
you too much?"
"Of course not," Leo muttered in a tone that didn't convince Seth. "It was
good seeing my brother again. I'm glad we hashed things out."
"That is good," Seth said.
"So..." Leo pushed away from the wall at length, and picked up Seth's new
Bible. "It seems you have renewed your... faith, along with the replacement
of your old book."
"It helped to be an active part of the church again."
"And?" Leo was slowly turning a few pages as he spoke.
"And... what?"
Leo looked up at him and gave him a tiny smile. "What, are you no longer
proselytizing?"
"Proselytizing?"
"Making a convert of-"
"I know what it means," Seth said quickly. "I'm just a little taken aback
at your labelling."
Leo raised an eyebrow. "MY labelling? What, and your calling me a 'sinner'
is not labelling?"
"Everyone's a sinner, father."
"ARE they?" Leo asked, his voice dropping an octave for effect. He lowered
the Bible to Seth's bed, as though it had suddenly become too heavy. "Then
I will assume," he said softly, his eyes on Seth's. "That if everyone is
a sinner, then everyone is doomed to eternal perdition."
"Not unless they are saved."
"Which is?"
"Obeying the gospel."
"Which IS?"
Seth belatedly sensed that Leo was drawing him into another trap.
"Father, it is not my place to judge-"
"Oh, no, no..." Leo said, coming to life again. He snatched up the Bible
and gestured with it. "But THIS does. THIS-" He glared at the book as though
it had mortally insulted him. "That is why I cannot- It cannot-" He stopped
a second, as though struggling for words. "Can't you see, Seth, that to honor
this belief would mean dishonor for my master? He was EVERYTHING to me.
Everything!"
Seth swallowed at the knot in his throat. "Father... we must remember that
God is all knowing, and his judgements are just. Who are we to counsel
God?"
Leo's mouth became grim. "Don't patronize me. You and I both know that Splinter
did NOT obey this gospel, he treated it as just another human belief. He
embraced ALL religeons, in order to make sense of it all, and said that he
failed to understand what people were fighting about. HE didn't believe in
one God. HE didn't attend these little church services, and he DID NOT go
through this water baptism ritual which you have so insisted people must
do in order to be SAVED."
Seth bit his lower lip. "Seems you have given a lot of thought to this, while
I was gone."
Leo didn't answer.
"It seems to have quite an effect on you," Seth ventured again.
"Yes, it certainly does," Leo said faintly. "It seems to have taken a turn..."
He inhaled audibly, and then chuckled a little, slowly shaking his head.
Mystefied, Seth stared at him. "What's so funny?"
"You," Leo said, when he sobered. "Or maybe it's me. I don't know. What do
I know? I thought I knew, but everything is turning out so differently from
what I so arrogantly expected, in my youth. Like you, I saw things in black
and white. Cut and dried. Striving to be the very picture of perfection,
I expected my own flesh and blood to be the same, to become my own avid student,
to worship the very air I breathe, to be of like mind and follow in my footsteps,
as I followed so closely those of my master... and what do I have?" Leo held
out his hands in a broad, Mediterranean gesture. "I have a born-again,
Bible-pounding, Christ-following Saint-wannabe who thinks he is going to
save the world from eternal damnation!" Leo leaned over and cackled in near
hysterical laughter.
Seth said nothing, knowing Leo was clearly baiting him again.
"Or save ME... from eternal damnation..." Leo's face relaxed into a bland
expression. "Isn't that right, Seth? Do you really think you can save me
from an unthinkably horrible fate of unending torment?"
"That is up to you, Father. I'll not say anything more on it. You know where
I stand."
"Is it up to me? IS it, Seth? Since you have so adamantly and soundly rejected
my beliefs, how can you expect me to accept YOURS?"
"I won't expect it from you, then." Seth's throat closed up, and he turned
away to hide his tears.