Part 8: Apathy
As time went on, Seth reluctantly admitted to himself just how much his father's
mind was still in turmoil. It seemed Leo's personal values were crumbling
into some sort of ambivalent swamp, where he had little opinion of anything,
and either went from one end of accepting everything, to complete rejection
of any sort of philosophy whatsoever, in nearly the same sentence. He wandered,
ghostlike, through the hallways of the Tibetan monastery, much to the chagrin
of the resident monks, who tried in vain to convince him to live elsewhere,
as he was causing a lot of dissension and accumulating followers from among
their devotees, sharing his non-devotion to non-conviction to non-being,
as it were.
Seth also became frustrated with this newborn non-philosophy of Leo's. "Father,
what is it that you are saying, that we should not have any beliefs at
all?"
"No... I 'm not really saying anything," Leo replied, giving his son a
noncommittal shrug.
"Then who are those students who seem to worship the ground you walk on,
and follow you around, listening so intently to what you have to say?"
Leo smiled absently, and sat down on the edge of Seth's bed. "I really don't
know. Perhaps they feel they have to follow something, rather than think
for themselves... only, they don't know what to think. I really would rather
they left me alone."
"Maybe this would be a good time to leave here."
"Why? What does it matter, if we leave or not? It doesn't make any difference
to me where I live."
"Or WHETHER you live?" Seth cut in. "I'm thinking that your depression has
taken a turn for the worse."
"Depression? Me? Can you define that? What is the textbook answer, since
you are so good at that sort of thing?"
Leo's words pricked him, but his tone of voice was so completely neutral
that Seth wasn't sure how to respond. "Okay," he said at length. "I'll play
your word game. The definition of depression in a plain old dictionary is
something like: 'a hollow or low place, a decrease in force, activity, etc,
and a time of low employment, or lack of business.' That describes you pretty
well. But maybe the words 'delude', 'demoralize', 'deplete', and 'depreciate',
which are not all that far from each other in the dictionary listing, also
describe you pretty well. Quite a coincidence, huh?"
Leo nodded a little. "That may very well be true, Seth."
"Geez, you are getting really good at this, aren't you?" Seth said in sudden
annoyance. "Just completely non-opinionated, is that it? What, are you just
going to sit around the rest of your life, being a- a philosophical
jellyfish?"
Leo gazed at Seth with a bland smile. "If you want to believe that, its your
perogi."
"Perogi?" Seth squinted at him.
"It's a type of sandwich."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means, it's your perception, Seth. It's your point of view, your life,
your ball of wax. Your perogative. Your perogi!"
Seth stared at him a moment. This was all so confusing... Leo had cared enough
to meet Seth at the airport, started the conversation that had made himself
upset, and was now acting as though nothing mattered to him any more. What
sort of game was he playing now? What did he really want? To ask him this
outright, would not give Seth the answers he wanted, and to underestimate
Leo's motives would be a big mistake. Seth knew him well enough to see that
Leo was a master of deception, probably as clever as the Devil himself. He
would have to continue in his careful observation of Leo, and not only take
what he saw into account, but also what he couldn't see. He remembered what
Leo had said to him once... that what was, was not... and the worst enemies
can be those who seem the most harmless. To learn the art of waiting, doing
little, but carefully watching... the realization nearly made Seth gasp aloud,
but he kept a wary eye on his father, who didn't seem to notice, but was
aimlessly paging through one of Seth's books.
Seth settled back and picked up his Greek-English to pretend to read it.
He caught Leo's eye, and laid the book down again. Leo was watching him now,
as though sensing the shift in his son's thoughts.
"I'm not very good at this, you know," Seth said aloud.
"It's a matter of practice," Leo said quietly.
"But... it's also a matter of knowing WHAT to practice, isn't it? Isn't it
worse to practice poor knowledge than it is to know nothing about it?"
"True," Leo said, continuing to watch Seth. His bland expression was gone,
replaced with his more characteristic, transparent little smile.
Something is telling me now, Seth said in his head, that there is a hidden
agenda... something beyond a personal problem... not that it isn't there,
but he's using it for... something.
"Yes, there is something, Seth. But I am not ready to tell you what it is."
"Why not?"
Leo winked. "Remember Ecclesiastes. There is a time for everything."
"Gimme a break."
"Since when do you want a break from Bible spouting?"
"I DON'T want to go into this again. Just cut it out."
"Cut what out? What?"
Seth dropped his book on his bed in frustration. "You're trying to drive
me nuts, aren't you? Trying to punish me for not being your carbon copy?
What is it, Leo?"
Leo sighed, and closed his eyes a moment. "Please, Seth..."
He wanted badly to cry, the buildup of frustration was so great, it hurt
his chest. But he furiously swallowed it down again. "Okay. It's just...
I don't want to lose you. I mean, anything could happen, and you could be
gone, just like THAT, and... I'd lose you forever."
Leo inspected a fingernail. "Hm." He sat still for a long time, so quiet,
Seth could hear his own heart beat. Then he noticed Leo was now looking at
him, with an intent expression on his face. Seth gave him a puzzled look
in return. Leo reached out with infinite slowness, and, with a forefinger,
lightly touched the little cleft between Seth's eyebrows. Something seemed
to brush across his mind, like the flitter of a tiny moth.
Seth shook himself back into reality when Leo stood up and stretched. "This
day has been a long one for you... get some rest."
"That would be a good idea." Seth yawned, as he became aware of how tired
he was.
"Have a good night, son."
"Thanks. Have a good night, yourself."
"Hmm." Leo gave him an odd, indecipherable look, as he left the room.