Seth

Part 11: Corpus

Seth opened his eyes to see Leo gazing thoughtfully down at him. "Hm. Nice to see you are still with me," he said.
"Barely," Seth croaked, and struggled to sit up. "Actually, I was wondering about YOU."
"Why, what happened?"
"What do you mean, what happened? You were there, weren't you?"
"I suppose, but it was YOUR dream." Leo gave him that maddening little smile, as he got up from the bed.
"Lot of good it did..."
"Why do you say that?"
Seth grimaced and scratched at his scalp. "I don't think I accomplished anything in that stupid dream."
Leo stared at the ceiling a long moment. "Depends on what you consider to be an accomplishment."
"How's that?" Seth wriggled his toes and placed them on the floor, not sure if he trusted putting his weight on them, as he still felt a little woozy.
"What did you expect to happen, Seth?"
"I dunno... maybe I expected I could preach the gospel to a demon, so that he'd leave you the heck alone."
"You sound annoyed."
"I'm tired, Father, that's all. I've done enough."
"So patient for someone your age..." Leo inclined his head at him.
"Yeah, I know. The mask has come off."
"That is good. The sooner, the better."
Seth stared at Leo. "Funny you should say that... you wore one for quite a while, didn't you?"
Leo sighed, and sat down beside him. "Yes. Long enough. Too long, actually. When the outer, physical mask came off, the inner one stayed. I thought I would come closer to attaining perfection if I kept it in place."
"Then... I take it you have changed your views on perfection?"
"Everything changes and evolves, Seth. One must never stop growing, and learning, and being flexible in one's point of view. One must embrace all new teachings at first, to gain a new facet to one's perspective."
"How do you do that?" Seth lay back against the wall, using the bunched up comforter for a pillow. "I should think I'd be pretty confused, after a while. I, for one, can only take in so much."
"The trick is not to try to learn too quickly," Leo said, as he settled back next to Seth. "It's a process. Everyone has their own pace."
Seth gazed at Leo next to him. He seemed to have changed, once again, in a way that he couldn't put his finger on. He seemed more... laid back. This amused Seth in a childish way, and he sniggered out loud.
Leo turned to stare at him. "What is tickling you?"
Their eyes met, and Seth grinned. "That describes you perfectly."
"What?"
"Laid back. Get it?"
Leo snorted, and gave Seth a playful backhand against his chest, which made Seth cough in surprise.
"Oops... forgot you don't have a plastron," Leo said apologetically.
"You got me off guard, that's all." Seth retorted, absently rubbing at his chest.
"Then you need to practice more. Can't be catching you off guard, eh?"
"Yeah, okay, you made your point. Laid back but not off guard. I can deal with that."
"Good."
After a moment, Leo leaned over and kissed Seth on the cheek.
"Hey!" Seth recoiled and glared at him, scrubbing at the side of his face. "What was that for?"
Leo frowned a little. "It was a gesture of affection."
"What do you mean?"
"My word, Seth, why so defensive? You're my only son, and I was just demonstrating my love for you."
"Did it have to be like that?"
"Would you rather have a hug?"
"That's not what I meant."
Leo leaned forward, and brought his knees up, to rest his folded arms on. "Then say what you mean, Seth."
"Okay... it's like this. I don't feel comfortable with certain physical displays of affection between, uh, guys."
"Such as?"
"Like what you just did."
"Kissing you?"
"Ye-es!"
Leo gave him a sideways look. "Why? Do you have a problem with that?"
"Look, I know in many cultures, it's perfectly acceptable for grown men to hug and kiss each other, but it's just that... well, where I grew up, it's... not an acceptable thing, unless you are gay, or something. I mean, heck, there's a lot of gay people where I live."
"If I were gay, would it become more acceptable to you?"
"Of course not! It's a sin to be gay."
"It's a sin to be cheerful?" Seth caught the mischievous gleam in Leo's eye as he spoke.
"I meant, homosexual. That kind of gay."
"I see."
They were silent a while, and Seth fought the urge to squirm. Disturbing questions scrambled for position in his thoughts. "Uh, father?"
"Hm?" Leo looked up from staring into space.
"You aren't a homosexual... are you?"
As the silence stretched on, Seth swallowed down the rising fear in his throat. Why isn't he answering, he thought frantically. If he weren't, he would have answered by now... he looked up to see Leo's eyes on him.
"Are you?" he heard himself ask again.
"You want me to answer very badly, I can see that," Leo said at length. He sighed and grasped his injured foot to inspect it a moment. "Yes, you want an answer... thing is, Seth, I really don't know."
"Why do you say that," Seth asked, as calmly as he could.
"Because I never gave it any serious thought before."
Seth let his breath out gustily. "Then you aren't... right?"
"Not yet," Leo said evenly.
Seth leaped up, no longer able to contain himself. "What do you mean, not YET? What are you trying to say, Father?"
"I'm trying to answer your burning question before you burst a seam, that's all," Leo said mildly. "You seem to be very wrapped up in this. Why is that?"
"Ohh, NO you don't. You're not going to slide out of this one. Turning it around on me, huh? I don't think so. First, you answer MY question."
"I just did."
"Sorry, too vague. It doesn't count."
"It doesn't count? I said, 'not yet'. That means, 'No, I'm not, not at this time.' That is my answer."
Seth folded his arms. "That means, 'no, not right now, but maybe some time in the future, I might become one'. Which I translate as, 'I haven't met the right guy yet, but when I do...' Am I way off, here?"
"If those are your feelings, then no, you are not 'way off'," Leo said, resting his cheek against one hand, as he studied his son.
Seth paced around the room, blinking back the tears that filled his vision.
"Seth," Leo's voice cut through his anguish. "There's no need to be upset about this. "I never said I was a homosexual, nor did I say I planned on becoming one."
"Then you're not?" Seth turned away from the wall to give Leo a cautious glance. "Why didn't you just say so, why torture me like this?"
"You were torturing yourself."
"You were playing games with me!"
"Yes, it was a game, Seth. But it was not intended to torture you. It was to point out the importance of one's choice of words. Chosen carefully..." Leo sat up and lowered his feet to the floor. "To draw you out."
"Then what the heck does 'not yet' mean, then?"
"Seth, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I didn't realize you would be so upset. I was playing a game, I thought you'd catch on, and laugh it off. It was stupid, if I had understood your sensitivity on this matter, I would have been far more direct."
Seth sighed heavily. "Okay... then let me ask you- let's start over. I'll ask you once again. Are you a homosexual?"
"No," Leo said.
Seth studied him a moment. "I guess you wouldn't be a proper one, anyway, since you've been with my mother. So maybe I should ask you if you are bisexual."
"Maybe you should."
"Are you bisexual?"
"Not yet."
Seth closed his eyes tight in exasperation. "You're doing it again!"
"Okay, Seth." Leo sounded annoyed. "Okay. Enough of this. Obviously something has led you to believe that being, what you call, GAY, is a dreadful, terrible thing. Why is that?"
"I told you, it's a sin."
"What is a sin?"
"Being a homosexual, engaging in homosexual activities, that sort of thing."
"All right, so it is a sin, as you have put it. So is murder, and committing adultery. Does that upset you just as much?"
"Yes, of course."
Leo folded his arms and laid a forefinger against his temple in a pensive pose."So, if you knew I was a murderer and an adulterer, would you treat me as though I had leprosy, just as you did when you thought I was gay?"
"Maybe, if I knew you practiced it over and over, and thought it was an okay thing to do."
"Is one sin worse than another? What about telling little white lies, or an off-color joke? Or even masturbating?"
"You know Matthew five as well as I do. You've quoted the entire chapter."
"It all depends on how it is received, as you have so eloquently said in response."
"It all depends on if you take it seriously," Seth said quietly,
"I do," Leo said, and inhaled audibly through his nostrils. "I have found it as an excellent vehicle toward climbing inside your head."
"Is that all you get out of it?"
"Of course not," Leo said with a gentleness that was all to familiar and annoying to Seth. "You realise I have been reading the Bible long before you even existed."
Seth grunted a reply, and finally sat on the edge of the bed in silence. These sort of conversations tired him. Leo's reassuring hand on his upper back brought him back to what started it all. "At least I've done it," he said at length.
"What is that?"
"Resolved the burning question, as you put it. About whether or not you were gay."
"Then this has been bothering you for some time?"
Seth sighed and ran his hand through his grown-out crewcut. "When I was home, sitting in the living room with the family one evening, the conversation came up- I can't remember who started it- about what was going on with you."
Leo gave him a puzzled look. "Going on with me?"
"One of my, uhm, siblings asked me if I knew you were gay."
"What brought that on?"
"It's kind of complicated. You see, you are quite a big mystery to some people, and they wonder why you are keeping away, wondering if you have something to hide, or-"
"Something to hide," Leo echoed softly, and thoughtfully scratched at his chin. "Because I'm not keeping in close touch with family, they assume I have something to hide. Typical."
"Well, they obviously care about you, to ask so many questions." It was Seth's turn to be gentle. "What can they do, but assume, until they see someone who's recently been around you, namely me, and ferret and harass for information?"
"Did they?"
"Well, yes."
"Who?"
Seth was silent. Leo's voice, though quiet, had an edge to it that made Seth apprehensive.
Leo leaned closer toward Seth, so close, that Seth could see the shards of grey and silver-white in the irises of his eyes. Real color, not like his own, which were translucent... "Who, Seth?" Leo asked again softly, more in sadness than anger.
Seth stilled his thoughts into silence, afraid that Leo might read them. "Is it really that important?"
"I'm just curious," Leo said, smiling as he relented. "Just like they are."
"I can see that. But if you really wanted to know, you'd know, wouldn't you?"
"I already know," Leo said, as he relaxed against the bed again. "I can recall in detail the verbal abuse your sister heaped on me during her visit here... though I know it was her anger speaking. But I sense her question was genuine, and she must have brought it up with the family. How far off are my assumptions?"
"Right on the mark," Seth said, sighing gustily. "Yeah, she was the one who wanted to know if you were gay."
"Hm." Leo stared at nothing a moment, then shook himself a little. "I was sure Mike had raised her better than that."
"Father, you can mystefy even the most open minded, and believe you me, Gaele is very open minded. More than I am, I have to admit. But it was obvious there was some ongoing tension between her and Don, and I feel I am to blame for part of it."
"Let's not go into that, shall we? All is forgiven," Leo said, suddenly becoming animated, his eyes bright with emotion.
"Okay..."
"Gaele, I'm sure, is not the only one who wonders about me at times. I know it has a lot to do with my desire to live a life of celibacy, and yet I behaved so poorly around your mother. They see me surrounded by men and not women, they don't see me look lustfully at any woman, but have they ever seen me look at a man in the same way? Or maybe they see me with the ones I love, hugging and kissing them with great affection? It so happens those were my brothers, my master, and now, my own son. We were all physically very close, at one time... Raphael was more reserved, but that's his nature... but none of us hesitated to show outward affection with our master, I for one enjoyed being near him, touching him, and when he was ill, holding him close, as though I could protect him from the terrible Thing that wanted to take him from us... and that is where he left this world... in my arms." Leo's voice broke into a whisper on the last three words, and he shut his eyes tight against a grimace of pain. He recovered a little, and stared, wide eyed at Seth. "There have been some painful things that have happened in my life, but none so difficult to overcome as letting go of that cold, lifeless body, hands that had told me so many things, that firmly corrected me, and now, after clasping mine in a last embrace..." Leo looked at his right hand, which trembled a little until he clenched it into stillness in his lap. "I can still feel his death grip, even now, I can FEEL it..."
Leo's anguish enveloped Seth, like the dense, clinging fog in his dream, and he reached for his father, in an ovewhelming desire to hold him close, wanting to take away the pain. Leo clutched him fiercely to his side, and laid his head on Seth's shoulder as he cried out in anguish.
Yet Seth sensed the release of yet another demon, another fishhook being yanked out... yes, it hurt dreadfully, likely taking a piece of him with it, but it was no longer a festering sore... and Leo would soon heal.

Seth 12

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