Apperances
Chapter 3 of "Blurred Edges"
The second part of Absaraka’s narrative

After a long day at the office, 5 PM rolls around at long last. No sales at all, God, why did I take this job? I swear, I need to get a decent job and quit this telemarketing crap. I mean, I do have a degree, so why am I working entry-level at a job where I’m out of my depth? Shouldn’t I go for a change of pace?

With all that tumbling around in my head, I head down the stairs to get to the bus. The only thing reliable about the 8 bus is its unreliability, something I can see myself repeating several times in this entry. Anyway, it’s raining outside, which means we’re all going to be waiting at least half an hour. It doesn’t matter what the schedule says, if you’ve got to catch the 8 in the rain, it’s a half-hour wait. No umbrella? Prepare to get soaked. Have a nice day.

As I walk down toward the stop, I feel something inside that I can’t explain. A feeling sort of like pins and needles, that’s pulsing on and off, and expanding and contracting at the same time.

What the hell’s going on?

Oh, God…no…

Why? Why me? Why this? How are you doing this if you’re already here? You aren’t supposed to be telepathic

(I’m your construct. You created me. We both should know where the other one is in real life, neh?)

Eh. Didn’t know you were a fan of "Ender’s Game."

(Orson Scott Card is one helluva good sci-fi writer. I oughta know—I’ve seen some of his stories unfold in front of me. He pretty much got ‘em right, too.)

I’m not going to ask.

What, you think I wanted to just die here, all so I could…you disgust me! Am I that shallow?

Go away. Just leave me the fuck alone.

What-the-hell-ever.

The bus pulled up in front of us, and we all hopped on, either flashing our day passes or (in my case) dropping $1.35 into the farebox. As per the norm, the bus was loaded down, even for such an early part of the run. The 8 bus usually ends about a mile from my office building, at Hunt Valley Mall. During rush hours, they extend some trips out to nearby International Circle, and a select few to the rather out-of-the-way Highland Corporate Park. I’m not sure which one this run comes from, but wherever it starts, it’s pretty full. I walk towards the back to get a single seat just as the bus starts moving. Because this street is semi-circular, there isn’t much time to sit down before the bus goes into the turn, and I hold tight as we round the bend and head for the Light Rail Stop.

Shut up.

Go away.

We head towards Warren Road, through some of the most godforsaken corporate space in Baltimore (at least, that’s what I think about it as I ride home—but by then, the Vatican would probably be godforsaken if I were riding through it after a day in this cube farm.)

We turn onto Warren Road, and suddenly, the feeling is back. Pins and needles…pulsing…fading in and out…

Oh, God…nooooooooo…

No…this can’t be happening…you don’t exist…

(Look out the right-side windows, Rock. I do exist, now. Not that I haven’t, it’s just that I haven’t existed in your world yet. Now I do. You’re going to see me. Live. In the flesh. And for today, that’s it. I just want you to know that I’m here…and if I have to wait for the rest of my life for you, then that’s what I’ll do. Now. Look out the right-side windows.)

Just then, the light at York Road changes to green, and traffic starts moving. The bus merges into the Warren Road traffic, and we head east down Warren Road.

With a feeling of utter dread, I feel the Raphaelsense pulsing and growing stronger still—and then it disappears.

As we pass a development of townhouses (the sign proudly advertising "Hunt Meadow"), I see him standing near the access road. It has to be Raph…fedora, trenchcoat, a thin red cloth (his bandana, no doubt) running down his right shoulder, and not a single patch of green skin visible. The bus stops to pick up a passenger, who takes her time boarding. Meanwhile, Raph continues to thinkspeak…

Shut up. Just SHUT UP.

The new passenger having paid her fare, the bus starts rolling again. The Raphaelsense comes back strong, then slowly dies down as the bus rumbles along. I get out at my stop, and start walking towards my apartment.

This isn’t happening. It can’t be. This is a dream, it has to be.

(Sure…stay in denial…you’ll only hurt yourself down the road. I mean, hey, you’re trying to deny the evidence of your own eyes here. Who the hell do you think that was, standing there? How many humans do you know that would wear a trenchcoat, fedora, and red bandana? And not show any skin on top of that? Don’t fight me, Rock. Submit. You’ve done it before when it didn’t count. Now you need to do it when it does count.)

I’ll never submit to you.

An evil laugh passed through my senses. It wasn’t something I heard or thought; it was something I felt, a Siberian winter condensed into a moment, a Sahara high noon expanding to forever. I knew, at that instant, that I could never hope to escape from him. Wherever I would run, he would follow. If I ran to Indiana, he would follow; if I ran to India, I still wouldn’t shake him. I knew, despite every pleading of reason to the contrary, that the only escape would come from a complete submission…no, surrender. There was to be no emancipation, no freedom, until the slavery was complete.

I fumbled for my house keys, my terrified hands dropping them and picking them up about three times before I managed to unlock the door. I got inside, took off my coat, and put my book-bag in its place. Then I quickly closed and locked the door behind me. I leaned my back against the door, my eyes on the ceiling, my breathing the panting of a frightened pup. This was going way too fast.

Shut up, just shut up.

I walked into my room, closed the door, and sat down, hard, on my bed. God, what have I done?

My eyes darted back up to the top of my bookcase, and the giant figures of the Turtles I kept there. I suddenly wanted to destroy them—just throw them into the street and let them get run over. Or something. But then I realized how futile that would be, considering I’d be seeing them in the flesh before the winter was up.

I gathered my breath and my sanity, then slowly began changing into street clothes. Just as I started undoing my tie, I felt a stirring…a longing…which went through me like a sai to the heart. I closed my eyes out of instinct…and just as quickly, it was gone. I stood there for a moment, waiting for the feeling to return. When it didn’t, I slowly opened my eyes again.

I screamed, turned, and tried to open the door…yet the sweat on my hands made me miss my grip. I grabbed it with both hands, trying to open the door…in vain. I closed my eyes and waited for him to take me again…

Nothing. No sound, no movement.

With a trembling voice, I quietly asked, "Raph?"

No answer.

My heart in my throat, I slowly turned around.

And no one was there. My window was still closed, the shades drawn; the door to my room was closed. No one could have been in the room.

I looked around the room again. No one in the closet; no one under the bed; the room was empty but for me.

I let my gaze go back to where it had been. Ah, there; I had seen one of the figures on my bookcase, and thought it was him.

And the longing-for returned, only this time, it swelled up in me, threatening to consume me. I had no choice. I got out of my clothes as quickly as I could, lay down naked on the bed, and started getting it all out of my system.

No…but we…have nothing but time…soon…last one…

My eyes closed, I struggled on, fighting for that moment, the moment when, for just one instant of time, everything was right in the world. I could feel it approaching…felt my muscles tighten…and then, there, that melting feeling which meant it was close. My reason was gone; I had become an animal, slave to the physical. Only the longing-for mattered. It rose up, meeting the physical sensations…and then the two, intertwined, rose even further. I couldn’t stand it, yet I couldn’t stop. I was screaming, my entire body all but convulsing, when in one moment, the longing and the pleasure suddenly piled up like a tsunami, dozens, hundreds of feet high in an instant. It felt as if my entire body was being ripped apart. My scream became that of a rutting lion as the tension suddenly shot out of me like a bazooka. My heart was a jackhammer in my chest, and I was breathing as if I’d just sprinted a quarter mile.

I lay there for a few moments, trying to recover. Eventually, my heartbeat slowed, my breathing came back to normal, and everything was as it had been.

Then, the inevitable hatred. Why? Why had I just allowed myself to surrender myself like that? Why had I just given in, when I knew full well how destructive it was?

(Sure, Rock…whatever…you haven’t even met me yet. Just wait until that’s over. I’ll probably have to drag ya over to our place so we can keep ya under suicide watch, or something. A-course, while you’re there, we can all do our best to, eh…console ya, so to speak…)

LEAVE ME ALONE!!

(Rock…I don’t want to hear you even think that ever again. And you know I can read your mind. OK? So don’t tell me to leave you alone. The whole point of me coming over here was so that you wouldn’t be alone. And unless that blurred edge comes back so my family and I can go back home, I’m staying right here. I’m not leaving you. Ever. How the two of us interact is something we can discuss, but for now, I want you to know that I will be by your side until I die. Because that’s what you wanted. And it’s what I wanted. We were meant to be together, how many times do I have to tell you that?)

Raph, you’re a fiend. You know it, too.

(Get a grip, Rock. What have I just done? I have given up my REALITY to be with you. Damnit, I’ve even bid a fond farewell to immortality. Some day—maybe not any day soon, but someday—I am going to have to face death. That’s something I never would have had to worry about in my home dimension. I have thrown away my reality and my immortality, just so I could be with you. And you expect me to let you sit there and tell me that it doesn’t matter? YOU matter to ME, Rock. You don’t know what you mean to me. I can’t even explain one-tenth of the stuff I see in you. And the other nine-tenths you wouldn’t believe anyway. Rock, you are someone I wanted to meet more than anyone I’ve ever seen. Know why that is?)

Easy. You need a wimp who won’t fight back when you need some browneye.

The HELL you’ll be! Stay away from me, do you hear me?

The hell I don’t. You’re a monstrosity. I was a 14-year-old boy who needed a friend, and you took advantage of me. You only pretended to be my friend, when all you wanted was a conquest. You wanted to bring me over to where you were so you could keep me around forever as a toy. How many times have you raped me? That number’s probably got a stinking comma by now! And you expect me to sit here and believe that that doesn’t matter?

(SHUT UP AND LISTEN. How would you feel if I weren’t raping you? Hold it—don’t answer that yet. More specifically, how would you feel if the only times we mated, were times you agreed to it? Hell, even at 26 you’ve still got a bit of the slosh factor going. You probably would have said yes at some point. And then, hell, you’d probably be in therapy for months afterward because you couldn’t believe you were taken advantage of. The way it’s set up now, you can tell yourself it’s not your fault. But once that card gets taken away from you—and it will be—then you have to face yourself. You have to come to terms with who you are. And the truth is, you haven’t figured that out yet, have you? You’ve been roaming this mud-ball world, to and fro, from Maryland to Turkey, and you STILL haven’t figured out why you’re here. I am an integral part of the answer, Rock. You don’t need to set foot on three different continents and lay eyes on another one to find the answer. It’s here. I’m here. All you have to do, is answer your own questions.)

What do you want from me?

With a feeling of sheer surrender, I walked out into the dining room and very lightly touched the Power button on the computer. The boot-up process took its usual eternity, after which the media clip rolled—Mikey doing his best "I love being a turtle!"—and I was staring at the sai wallpaper I had installed so long ago. God—I’ll be running into those soon enough…

It was the hardest double-click I’ve done on any computer.

You know it’s the reason I bought the damn CD, right, Raph?

Whatever.

I walked over to the stereo system, took out "The Millennium Bell", and plopped in "Affirmation" by Savage Garden. Raph was quick to point out "I Knew I Loved You" when it was released, and insisted I pick up the CD. Not that I wouldn’t have done that—between Dan’s unreal guitar work and Darren’s choir-boy tenor, there’s a lot to be said for these young guns from down under. I’ve listened to almost every track on the album, and almost every one of the songs on this album have chart potential. Whatever song gets released next, it’ll probably be a hit the way "Truly Madly Deeply" put their debut album back on the charts. Interesting bit of music trivia: Did you know it was "Truly Madly Deeply" by Savage Garden that knocked Elton John’s "Candle in the Wind 97" off the top of the charts? I thought it was quite an irony: a song Darren wrote for his wife finally ending the chart-busting tyranny of an Elton John hanky-fest devoted to a dead blonde. Not to minimize the tragic death of Princess Diana, mind you, but I think releasing the song and watching it soar up the charts struck me as a bit of an over-crass cash-in on Elton John’s part. Sing it once and never let it be heard again. Don’t torture the world with a funeral song months after the dearly departed has been laid to rest, y’know?

Sorry ‘bout the tangent. Anyway, Raph told me to listen to "Chained to You." Here are the words. You tell me if I’m in trouble when I say most of these words are words I myself might use…

Performed by Savage Garden

I feel the magic all around you
It’s bringing me to my knees
And like a wanna-be
I’ve gotta be chained to you

And when you looked into my eyes, felt a sudden sense of urgency
Fascination casts a spell and you became more than just a mystery
And I think about you all the time
Is this fate, is it my destiny
That I think about you all the time
I no longer pretend to have my hand on the wheel because

I feel the magic all around you
It’s bringing me to my knees
And like a wanna-be
I’ve gotta be chained to you
(I feel the magic, building around you)
I feel the magic all around you
It’s bringing me to my knees
And like a wanna-be
I’ve gotta be chained to you

And I think about it all the time
And I think about it all the time
(Tell me it’s madness, I barely know you)
We were standing all alone you were leaning in to speak to me
(Ten steps back you’re still a mystery)
Acting like a mover-shaker dancing to Madonna, then you kissed me
I can’t take anymore because

I feel the magic all around you
It’s bringing me to my knees
And like a wanna-be

I’ve gotta be chained to you
I feel the magic, building around you
I feel the magic all around you
It’s bringing me to my knees
And like a wanna-be
I’ve gotta be chained to you
Tell me it’s madness…I barely know you…