Invitations
Chapter 4 of "Blurred Edges"
The second part of Raphael’s narrative

(yawn)

Man, was it ever a relief. We were finally all settled in to the house. Now we needed to get settled in with the rest of our lives.

I had seen Rock in the flesh exactly one time—the first day we were here, while he was passing Hunt Meadow on the 8 bus. We had a couple of long mental dialogues that day, including more than one where Rock decided it was safe to heap a bit of abuse on the Raphster. And just so you won’t think I’m the vengeful type, what he said to me then isn’t going to affect how I treat him.

But then, just before I was going to tell him everything—the whole raison d’ whatever, Leo came downstairs into my basement quarters and said he needed to talk.

"Leo, I’m talking with Rock here, do ya mind?"

"Yes, Raph, I do. Tell him you’ll get back to him later."

I let Rock go, telling him Leo needed a few choice words with me. Rock’s got a thing about Leo, truth be told—aside from me, Leo’s the one of us he’d least like to meet in real life. I think Rock’s order of "who he’d like to meet" of us, top to bottom, is Mike, Don, Leo, me. Not that he’s ever dreamt of any of the others extensively—I’m pretty much it most nights—but as far as what he understands of my brothers, that’s pretty much the order of preference. Maybe it’s my ongoing love/hate thing with Leo that’s tainting Rock’s image of him. I don’t know. I just know Rock’s scared of Leo—and almost to the same degree he’s scared of me.

But back to Leo’s choice words with me.

Leo sat down in a chair across from the couch I was going to be sleeping on, and just gave me that patented Leo Look. Sorta like, "Hey, Raph, you’re in the doghouse with me" kind of thing. He didn’t say anything for a good thirty seconds. I knew better than to speak up: God knows I wasn’t aching for another Long Leo Lecture on top of not being able to talk to Rock. So the two of us played the usual stare-at-each-other game that we seem to have nailed down to a science over the years.

Finally, he spoke. Slowly, quietly…which is to say, in his most dangerous voice.

"I want you to tell me exactly why you dragged us all over here."

"Look, Leo, we’ve been through this before. It’s taken a couple of months. You really want to go over all the same old reasons I decided to come over here?"

"Raph, the only reason I decided to come over here was that you insisted you were going to break our family up for good. I wasn’t going to have that. I didn’t want to see our family splitting up. So when you insisted that you were coming over here, whether or not anyone else came with you—" He took a deep breath, exhaled quickly, and rambled on. "You basically forced my hand when you did that. When you said you were going to leave us forever if we didn’t tag along on this fool’s errand, then all I could do was keep us together by bringing us all over here. And you never really explained why you decided that.

"Raph, we’re alone enough in our own dimension. Now we’re over in a reality where we don’t belong, and we’re even more alone than we were. We’re all going to die now. That’s something we never would have had to worry about before. We’re going to have to stay above ground now, and at the same time, keep a low profile. But sooner or later, we’re going to have to venture out into Baltimore on our own. And then, we’ll probably be hounded by God only knows who. This is not going to make for a pleasant existence for the rest of us. I want you to know that. April can get by. But the five of us do not belong here. Yet you decided you wanted to ruin our lives so you could be with your Rock. I want to know the real reason why."

I looked away from him. This was going to be another Dead End Argument with Leo, I could tell. Nevertheless…

"Look, Leo, you’ll understand when you see him."

"Raph, you’ve been telling us all about him for the past few months, and you still haven’t made me the least bit interested in him."

"Damn it, Leo…Look. The two of you have a hell of a lot more in common than he does with me. Maybe the reason you weren’t so impressed was because he sounded too much like you to begin with. Ever think of that?"

"I did. And I’m still not convinced that he’s worth dragging us across reality for."

"Leo, just—" I looked off to one side, trying to keep my composure. I calmed myself down, then went on. "You want to know what he is to me? He’s someone I could learn from. He’s someone that I know will accept me. He’s someone that doesn’t care what I look like. He’s someone that knows what it’s like to be an outcast. And I’m thinking maybe—just maybe—the two of us can fill in our missing pieces together. Maybe—just maybe—we can be, together, what we never could be, apart."

Leo leaned back in his chair, cocked his head to one side, and gave me a look that was like, "Do I trust this guy or not?" I’ve seen it on his face more than once over the years, let me tell ya.

"Raph, I hope you’re right. But that still leaves Don, Mike, me, April, and Splinter just sitting here on our butts while you’re here on this little mission of self-fulfillment."

"Whose brilliant idea was that, Fearless Leader? I said from the getgo that this was my project. I told you guys it would be a waste of your time coming over here. Didn’t I?"

"I’m not your fearless leader, for one thing, Raph," Leo fired back, with remarkable composure. "For another, you know what our family means to me. And yeah, there are times we’ve fought. Yeah, there are times you frustrate me. Yeah, there are times I think about giving up on you. But you know something? If we can’t survive together as a family, then we don’t deserve to exist at all. Because we’re the only ones of our kind, don’t you realize that?"

"Here, we are. At home, we are. But somewhere, we wouldn’t be. You know that."

"But at least at home, we wouldn’t have to worry about dying. Now we do. Unless all four of us get killed in some freak accident, there’s going to be one of us left when three of us are dead. And by the time that happens, Rock will no doubt be dead already. So what it it’s you? What if Mike, Don, and I all end up dead, and you’re the last mutant turtle? What then?"

"What, and you’d be a better candidate for Last Surviving Turtle? Spare me!"

His hands flew towards his swords, and I grabbed my sai. The weapons came together with that familiar "Clang!" Leo continued to bear down with his swords, while I stood my ground, trying to disarm him with my sai. Something had to give here…

Uncharacteristically, Leo lost his concentration for a split second, and next thing either of us knew, both his swords were flying in opposite directions, bouncing off the walls and landing harmlessly on the ground. I put the tip of my sai against his throat.

"Go ahead, Raph…it’s not my project. I don’t understand. And you’ve always wanted to do this anyway…"

I let my eyes bore in on him for a second or two, then sheathed my sai. "I ain’t gonna commit fratricide."

We stood there, staring each other down, until finally he looked away. "I hope you’re happy with your decision. Just remember how permanent it is."

"I was bankin’ on that, Leo. And you’ll be happy once you meet him."

"From what you’ve said, I doubt it. But if you really think he’s worth dying for, well, then, don’t let me get in the way of your own slow suicide."

He turned on his heel, and stormed back up the stairs.

I don’t think we’ve said a single civil word to each other since then. And it’s been three whole stinking weeks.

Rock hasn’t suddenly appeared at our development at any time, and I doubt he’d come here voluntarily. I know exactly where he lives, but I’m not going to head up there. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn’t. But if it’s going to hurt him too much, then I don’t want to do it. God knows me coming here was torture enough for the guy…how would he suddenly react if the doorbell rings, he looks out the peephole, and all of a sudden, there I am? I’d probably hear this great big thud from behind the door, and I’d have to hightail it. I’ll see him when he’s ready. Not until then.

Unless…hell, let’s give it a go.

"Rock…we haven’t seen each other in three weeks, you know?"

"What have you been doing with yourself the past few weeks?"

"You’re really something, you know that? Here I am, just up the street from you, after we’ve spent twelve years and change hoping we could be together…and you’re telling me to go away. Un-fucking-believable."

"Hey, if you think that’s a lot to handle all at once, wait until you try to get your hands around my thighs…"

"Don’t say it. Monster."

"May I remind you that you’ve been blaming yourself since Day One over all this? That you’ve been destroying yourself, all in the name of trying to protect your own supposed innocence? There’s some truth to that, yeah. I mean, you do have one of the purest hearts I’ve run across."

"No, I’m not. Will you quit thinking of yourself as some kind of freak? And start listening to me, because you know I’m right? What have you ever done to torture yourself over?"

"You didn’t start the dreams. That was my idea. And if that hadn’t happened, hell, you’d have moved your hungry eyes over to something else eventually. You eventually would have told yourself that those thoughts were something you couldn’t handle. You would have moved on. So it fell to me to start this. I’m the one who got you dreaming of me. After that, I probably couldn’t have gotten you to move on if I wanted to. Once you met me, and found out just how much you really needed me, that was that. So no, you didn’t start this. I did. Now quit blaming yourself for it."

"And part of that was also my doing. You think I wanted to just let you go? Knowing what I knew about you? You think I was just going to let one of the best examples of humanity get away?"

"The hell I don’t! Do you understand just who you are? Do you really, really know just how unique you are?"

"I’ve seen those IQ scores you’ve clocked up. What was that one you took on AOL? Just for the heck of it? That thing maxed out at, what 174? And you got what, a 163?"

"I got news for ya. 130 is usually where they start throwing the word ‘genius’ around."

"AND??!! You don’t understand just where you fit in, do you? If this were a Huxley novel you were in, you’d be something approaching an Alpha Plus. Hell, maybe Double Plus. You don’t get it, do you?"

"Oh, yeah. An impressive piece of literature…aside from the fact that it’s a bit on the Luddite side. But then, so was Orwell’s ‘1984.’ Orwell was talking about futuristic technology which elites would use to enslave the people. That was written back in, let me think…the 30’s? By the time the real 1984 rolled around, the technology Orwell was talking about in his novel was not only possible, it was outdated. Now, then. Now that you’ve pulled me onto a tangent. Do you understand just where you fit in?"

(Well, no…not really…)

"Do you want to know?"

"Grab a chair, Rock. Take notes. Yadda yadda."

"Why not? You think someone else from your world’s gonna know all this? I’ve met you in our dreams, and I’ve seen things about you that you wouldn’t show anyone else. Don’t you think I’m better qualified to tell you all this stuff?"

"Here’s how it breaks down. I’m telling you the truth. I’m not going to say something just to say it. OK? I mean what I say, kapeesh?"

I could feel him sigh.

"Now. Let’s start with where I think you need to improve things. I’m being as objective as I can be, all right? You’re too accepting. I wanted to tell you that years ago, but I was afraid you’d take that information and push me away."

"I’ve heard that one before, somewhere. Now let me explain what I mean. I remember when we first met. How you were scared to death of me when you first saw me. And then, all of a sudden, I offered you friendship, and that was it. Game, set, match, tournament, world title to me. It’s been a pattern with you over the years. Someone says they’ll be your friend, and you’ll believe ‘em every time. That’s cost you over the years, hasn’t it?"

"Hasn’t it?"

"You thinking the same person I’m thinking?"

"Yup. She knew. But then you did what honor made you do. You knew where she was when the professor asked where she was, you said it, and then she decided to get violent. Hell, you had to push charges against her to get her to back off. You shouldn’t have gotten taken in by the "I’ll be your best friend" routine in the first place."

"You knew she was trouble when she started playing that. She played you like bagpipes, you know?"

"Have I ever said one thing and then did the opposite? You know where I’m coming from, and I know where you’re coming from. We understand each other, right? I mean, have you ever asked me to do something I didn’t honor at some point? You asked me to be your friend. I was. You were curious about what I was like as a lover. I let you know. You begged, pleaded, and wished for a chance to meet me in the same dimension, and I made it happen. You asked me to leave you alone three weeks ago, and this is the first time we’ve talked since then. Who’s playin’ who here? Damn it, Rock, haven’t I been everything you always wanted me to be?"

"All right, let’s go there. You wanted to know what I was like in that department. And yeah, the first time, it was your idea. But I saw what happened the morning after that. You woke up at 4 AM before anyone in the house was up, walked down to the kitchen, and took out the sharpest knife you could find. You were within an ace of doing the deed, too, had I not said something to you. And at that point, I told myself that I wouldn’t hurt you like that again."

"Will you let me finish? Thank you. Do you remember the first time I saw you after that?"

"Let me refresh your memory. You came to me in that dream and said you liked the feeling, but you didn’t want it to happen again. You told me that you hated yourself for letting that happen. You asked to be held. I did that. And then you asked if there was a way for you to be able to sleep with me, only without hating yourself the next morning. I told you what I had in mind. I told you, that you probably still would hate yourself for what happened, but you wouldn’t come that close to suicide ever again. I told you that you could enjoy me, only without having to say you’re the one that started it. I gave you a mental escape hatch that night. I let you, in essence, be as wild as you wanted to be with me, and still tell yourself that none of it was your fault. Don’t you see how you benefited from that? You’d have killed yourself years ago without that mental out. I did you probably the biggest favor anyone’s ever going to do for you in your entire life. I let myself become The Enemy in your eyes, while at the same time being your best friend. Do you understand?"

"Would you be proud of yourself if all of this had been voluntary?"

"You’d have felt like scum, right? I mean, between your parents and your church, you had more than a couple of forces in your life telling you that you couldn’t be proud of what we were doing. And since you were seeing everything black-and-white in those days, if you couldn’t be proud, you had to hate it completely, right? I mean, if it had been your idea all along, you would have felt like you were a total freak of nature. You wouldn’t have shown your face at your church, for fear of what they’d have done to you if anyone found out. Am I right?"

"But if it wasn’t your idea, if you weren’t doing it of your own free will, hey, you’ve got scars, yeah, but not a free-floating guilt complex on top of it. Now do you understand?"

"Good. We’ll work on this some more a little farther down the road."

"What’s up?"

"You sure you’re up to that, Rock?"

"Any reason for that?"

"I’ll be over in a few, OK, Rock? I gotta talk to my brothers about this…"

"See if any of ‘em want to come over and see you. Besides, you probably wouldn’t mind having a chaperone along, right?"

(How can I trust them? I mean, you’ve probably told them all what a wonderful piece I am, right?)

"No, actually. They know more about your mind than they do about your body. Seriously. Who do you want me to bring along?"

"You should have heard some of the stuff Leo was saying about you a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t pretty."

"I probably will. It’ll take me a couple of minutes to scare up one of my brothers, and then we’ll be right over. You’re sure you’re ready for this?"

"All right. I’ll see you in a couple of minutes. Be ready."

"What is it, Rock?"

"Go curl up with a good Celine Dion while you wait. Lessee…’My Heart Will Go On’? Nice and dramatic, you know, really big orchestral swell? Really big "Date With Destiny" kind of song, you know?"

"I’ll be over, Rock. Don’t be frightened. If you have to, take the words as your own."

"I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I swear that to you."

"I have to go find Mikey. I’ll be over as soon as I find either him or Don. And then we can talk. All right?"

"Talk to you soon."

I walked over to the stairs, and started climbing them. "Mikey? I need ya…"

"My Heart Will Go On"
Performed by Celine Dion

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you opened the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch just one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go ‘til we’re gone
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life, we’ll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are,
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more, you opened the door
And you’re here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You’re here
There’s nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We’ll stay
Forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on…