Chapter 3

Raphael leads Robin and me toward Don’s lab. The escorts that marched me down to the lair are nowhere to be seen. Apparently (this is a guess, and I’m not asking about it right now), having one of these turtles in tow means you don’t need a full entourage of armed escorts. My guess is that these reptiles have been drilling themselves in martial arts for years, and don’t really need guns to make their point. Which would make them damned intimidating if I ever ran into one of them on my own—but since Robin is going to be hanging around me for a couple of months, I guess I don’t have to worry about that any time soon.

One thing I notice about the tunnels we’re passing through is how relatively clean they look. Granted, we’re still underground, and yes, I’d expect this to be a sewer line right here. But for some reason, the floor of the tunnels is reasonably clean—for a sewer, at least. My sneakers have a thin coating of gunk around the soles, but that’s it. Speaking of shoes…

"Um…Robin? Can I ask you a question?"

"What do you want to know, JD?"

"How the heck do you walk in those things?"

"What?" Her tone is genuinely amused.

"No, the heels on those things look like stilts…" Which they do to me. They’re very much in a "mod" look—sort of like high heels, but the actual heels are rather thick. In addition, the shoes come to a rather nasty point at the toe. How she’s keeping her footing in rounded tunnels with sewer slime all over the place is beyond me.

"I’ve got a couple of good patches of non-skid surfacing on the bottom. Something tells me that’s not what you want to ask me, though."

"Why do you wear those things? They look really uncomfortable…"

"Ah, the truth is known." She gives me another wicked grin. "These things are designed to do maximum damage in a fight. I use the toe when I need something pointed, and the heel when I need something blunt. That’s how I took out that Renegade, with the heel to the side of the head."

"Who are the Renegades, anyway?"

Raphael, who has stayed mostly silent the whole time, pipes up. "Basically, all you need to know, in a nutshell, is this. Renegades equals The Enemy. Capital T, capital E. If somebody ever wrote a novel about the underground, the Renegades would be the antagonist. In spades. You wanna fill J.D. in on the history, Robin, or should I?"

"I’ll handle it, Raph. J.D., this is a bit of a long story, so bear with me, got it?"

"Right."

"OK. Way back in the 80s and 90s, the turtles were constantly feuding with a Japanese crime lord named Oroku Saki, who was known as The Shredder."

"Yup…they named him after a kitchen utensil." Raph stifles a grin.

Robin ignores him. "Saki was the ringleader of a Japanese clan of ninjas known as the Foot. The turtles were trained in the same fighting techniques as the Foot way back when they started learning Ninjitsu, and as a result, both sides know how the other fights. This ended up resulting in some pretty nasty fights between the turtles and the Foot clan throughout the 80s and 90s.

"Well, when Y2K hit, and everyone moved underground to stay warm, Saki had New York all to himself. But a lot of the members of the clan weren’t thrilled. See, there weren’t many people left on the surface, and it seemed like a bit of a hollow victory for some of the clan members. A faction rose up in the Foot clan demanding that Saki either lead them to conquer the underground, or step aside so someone else could lead the charge.

"But Saki wouldn’t hear of it. He wanted to solidify his grip on New York so that if ever the population returned, he could own this town. He also refused to step down as boss of the clan. So the rebel faction adopted the name of the New York Renegades and set out to infiltrate the underground. It wasn’t that hard: all they had to do was pretend to be displaced by the Y2K bug, and they pretty much got a pass underground. See, early on, the turtles weren’t running the Underground—the Underground was New York for a couple of months, and so everyone was welcome with open arms. So the Renegades ended up memorizing every part of the Underground, and know this maze better than some of us.

"Saki was pissed when he found out what the Renegades were doing, and excommunicated them from the Foot. It was probably his biggest gaffe as boss of the Foot, because no one else in the clan knew the underground like the Renegades. Word is the Renegades are mapping the Underground, every single inch of it, in order to try to wipe out all the undergrounders.

"So here’s the sitch in a nutshell. The Underground is at war with both the Renegades and the Foot, while the Foot and the Renegades are both at war. Got all that?"

"It’s confusing…"

"You’ll get it eventually. You’d better if you want to be accepted by everyone."

Up ahead, a strange shape appears, approaching at a jog. It looks reminiscent of a turtle…

"Yo, Mikey, that you?" Raphael calls.

"Yup, it’s me. How goes it, Raph? And who’s the stranger you two have in tow?"

Robin speaks up. "Mike, this is Jonathan Dixon. Call him J.D. He’s new to the underground."

Mikey slows down to a halt. "A tyro, eh? You’re the one Donny was telling me about, I guess. Don told me that Leo told him that he wanted some tyro scanned for implants for some crazy reason. Ah, well, all in a day underground. If you need help surviving down here, I’m the one you need to call. I’m sort of left with the day-to-day stuff by default, not that I mind or anything."

(The guy’s talking about a mile a minute right now.)

"Don’t be afraid to ask questions. It’s a crazy world we live in down here, so the only stupid question is the one you don’t ask. Remember where you heard it first. Love to stay and chat, but I gotta run and check the chow hall and see if they’re ready for lunch yet. Later!"

And with that, he jogs off down the tunnel. Raph rolls his eyes for a moment, then keeps leading us toward the lab.

"Crazy." It’s Raphael talking. "One of these days he’s gonna go wig tryin’ to keep everyone safe down here." He shakes his head in mock disgust.

"What can you do," Robin quips.

"Lessee—get him some anti-hyperactivity drugs, maybe? He’s pushing 40 and he still runs around like he’s 15 again. Not that he can’t handle it physically, but I worry about the guy, y’know, Robin? He’s gonna burn out one of these days trying to be all things to thousands of undergrounders."

"Somebody’s gotta do it, Raph…"

"He can delegate, is all I’m sayin’. He cares too much to let anyone help him out. Engineering, Safety, the chow hall, Mapping, he’s trying to run ‘em all by himself. He’s even trying to help Donny out in Medical, and doesn’t know a thing about medicine, for God’s sake! I need to talk some sense into the guy…remind me, Robin…"

"Sure thing, Raphy baby…" And with that, she puts her arm around his shoulders and gives him a firm squeeze as we keep on walking. I’m going to pretend I didn’t see that.

Raph speaks up. "So, J.D. …Whadaya think of the underground so far?"

"Um…very interesting, I have to say that. It’s really a change from living on the surface."

"Just interesting? That’s it? Not ‘awesome’ or ‘spectacular’ or ‘glad-I-moved-down-here’?" The irony is dripping from his voice.

"Well…" I’m a bit flustered. "I got down here and next thing I know, we’re getting attacked by a Renegade and I was headed for Holding. It wasn’t a good first impression you guys made."

"Hey, blame Leo, not me, J.D., he’s the security guru around here. We don’t keep him around to be nice, seein’s how that wasn’t his strong suit in any case. What exactly did he do to you when you met?"

I don’t know how to answer this…do I tell the truth, and get Leo mad at me? Or do I hedge, keep Raph out of this, and stay on Leo’s good side? I don’t want to get locked up if Leo finds out…

"You’re preparing to lie to me…"

"I don’t want to talk about this, my lord."

"Hey! Drop the tail-kiss routine, kapeesh? Tell me what Leo did to ya, there’s only you, me and Robin here, and neither of us are gonna go squealin’ to Leo if you say somethin’ incriminating. Talk. Truthfully. Gottit?"

I take a deep breath. "I walked into the train, and he was hiding somewhere. I got a few steps in, and Leo jumped me."

"Jumped you?"

"Well…he got up right behind me and put his sword right up near my neck, and I never heard him coming."

"Standard ninja fare, J.D., you won’t hear any of us unless we want ya to. But… he put his sword up against your neck?"

"Yes."

Raph and Robin exchange looks. "I don’t like this," they both say at the same time.

Raph stops walking, and looks around to see if we were alone. "J.D., he does anything like that to you again, you talk to me right away. Find me anywhere in the underground and pull me aside. He shouldn’t have done that to ya, I don’t care if you’re a threat or not. We’re supposed to be the good guys here, not the intimidators. You shouldn’t be scared for your life just a few hours after you got thrown out of the house. I swear…" He pauses for a moment to regain his composure, drawing in a long breath. "We take care of our own, J.D. … We aren’t supposed to be scaring 18-year-olds to death when they’re already at the end of their string, y’know? I’ll have a word with him next time I see him. Don’t worry, I won’t name names. Think of the Raphster as your advocate in this town. Gottit? I stick up for my own, and right now that’s you.

Now, we’re almost at the lab, so no more talking once we turn into the next tunnel. Don-san has the whole lab area wired for sound, so whatever you say is being recorded beyond the lab perimeter. Let’s go."

We resume walking, and come to a sealed tunnel door. It has one of those wheels in the center that seems to control how tight the door is. Raph turns the wheel left, slowly at first, then faster, until the wheel stops turning with a bang. Raph then opens the door outward, towards us, then motions us in, sealing the door behind us. He motions again for silence, and leads us onward.

The tunnel is filled with so much high-tech gear, I’m at an utter loss to explain what the majority of it even does, much less how it works. I could explain the cameras that are watching us walk down the tunnel—it freaks me out seeing those, but I guess this is so no Renegades can get to the lab. We come to another door, this one a sliding metal door with a retina scanner next to it. Raphael puts his eye up to the lens for a moment, and the door slides open. "Two visitors," he says, apparently for the benefit of the security system.

Speech recognition software? Impressive.

"Raphael entering lab with two visitors," announces the security system.

We walk into the lab and come upon Donatello, his back to us with his head in an access hatch to some machine. Just the way he’s standing makes it seem as if he were mooning us, but I guess that’s normal when you’re running around in the altogether. I still look away, partly out of embarrassment and partly because I didn’t want to appear too interested. Robin has no such inhibition, though, and is obviously admiring the view. There are a few others in the lab, but they aren’t paying any attention to us as we walk in.

The security system repeats its announcement, somehow noticing we are not ‘checked in’.

Some of the people in the lab look our way, while Donatello quickly pulls his head out of the access hatch and turns around. "Hey, Raph, Robin, and…who’s the stranger?" He also pushes a button on a device hanging from his belt.

Raph does the talking. "Don, this is J.D., the guy Leo sent up here for an implant scan." Everyone else in the lab continues to go about their business.

"Hey, welcome to the underground, J.D. Hope you’re having fun."

"I’ll be having fun when I pass this scan," I quip.

Donatello smiles that kind of smile when you know something someone else doesn’t. Robin and Raphael don’t get it either. "Part of the scan took place when you walked into the lab, J.D. You couldn’t have gotten in here if you were wearing certain types of implants. That tunnel you guys came down would have lit up like Times Square on New Year’s if something suspicious was detected. But I think Leo wants you in here for a complete once-over. Come on back and I’ll get you scanned." He motions with his hand to another door in the left wall. "Robin and Raph, you behave yourselves while I give J.D. his scan."

"Sure, Don, whatever ya say," jokes Raph. The two of them grab a seat at one of the computers and start toying with it.

"Careful, you two! The ‘Net’s running really funny today," Don adds.

"How’s that?"

"It’s either a slow network or a gateway failure, Raph. It works, but it’s pretty slow."

"Aww, we can handle slow, Donny." Robin chimes in.

"OK. Just don’t do anything… unusual until I get back, OK?"

"Gotcha, Don," Raph mocked him.

"OK, J.D., come on in." Don puts his eye to the scanner, the door slides open, and the two of us walk into an incredibly brightly-lit, high-tech room with an X taped into the middle of the floor. Everything is white. Not cream, not off-white, white. We’re talking so white it makes me squint as I walk in. Not to mention that it’s a bit cool in here—not freezing, but cool. It’s sort of like the feeling you’d get if you opened your apartment window up for about five minutes when the outside temperature is in the 20s.

Computers are everywhere around the perimeter. Don walks over to the right as we enter and fires one of them up.

"J.D., next I need you to take all your clothes off so we can check—"

"What? Why?"

"Uhm…" He does see my immediate apprehension on the matter and tries to adjust, like it’s not in his nature to cause trouble. "Well, JD, we need to look over your skin for any signs of surgery. We’ve seen Renegades with implants in some pretty crazy places, so the SOP is to run the scan and the exam with the scan-ee completely stripped. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything crazy, just look you over and run the scan. Honestly, I’ve seen more guys naked than some blue movie directors, so it’s just skin to me. It should be no different than undressing for your doctor."

"I’m just a bit squeamish about being touched by a talking reptile, is all."

"Hey, relax. This is all just clinical procedure, okay? But if you refuse, I’ll have to recommend you for Holding. That’s also SOP. So unless you want to get locked up, I’d advise that you stop resisting. No one else can see us, and I could care less what you look like – unless you’ve got scars somewhere. I’m harmless, J.D. But as far as we know, you aren’t yet. So my advice is to cooperate."

I stand there looking nervously at him for a few moments, then get out of my clothes and put them in a basket Don has handy. The last thing I need is to go to Holding because I’m too much of a prude.

"Step over to the X in the middle of the room," he then tells me. I obey.

Don follows me over to the center of the room, bringing some sort of optical device and a clear-bottomed chair.

"Right foot on the chair." I obey. Don proceeds to examine the sole of my foot up to my knee, visually and with his hands.

"Switch legs." We repeat the procedure for my left leg.

"Feet shoulder width apart." He proceeds to both examine and feel my thighs, front and back. I wince—despite his skin being warm, it feels really funny. "Relax, J.D., this is the hard part."

"I’m being explored by a talking turtle, and you’re telling me to relax?"

"I don’t see any scars, that’s the good news." He examines my hindquarters and genitals, running his hands gently through the short and curlies in a search for scars. Despite his touch, I don’t get aroused in the least.

"Feet together." He looks over my chest and back and nods.

"Arms straight out." He checks my sides and my arms.

"Arms down, get on your knees." He walks around me and thoroughly eyeballs my head and neck. Since he’s a couple of inches shorter than I am standing up, he isn’t looking down very far when I’m on my knees. He runs his hands very gently through my hair.

"On your feet, step off the X." He places the legs of the chair on four small marks around the X, centering the chair on the X. "Have a seat. The hard part’s over now."

I sit down in the chair, still feeling very tense. "Once the scan starts, J.D., try not to move too much. Close your eyes, hands on your thighs, and relax, this will only take a couple of seconds." I put my hands where I’m told. "Scan starting in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, don’t move…" The machinery whirs a bit, and behind my eyelids I can see some bright lights going off. After about ten seconds, it stops. "And relax. Okay, JD, that’s it, you can get dressed again. That wasn’t so bad, was it?"

"Did I pass?"

"We’ll know by the time you finish getting dressed." He returns the basket to me, and steps over to one of the terminals, keeping his back to me. I dress quickly. When Don doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, I start getting worried.

"Did I pass or not?"

"Nothing at all suspicious. You get a clean bill of health, and if I have my way, no time in Holding. Leo’s going to take a look over the paperwork though, and make the final decision. You’re done here, now you need to go see Leo… again." He rolls his eyes, grabs the printout, then heads for the door. "You’re out of here. Congratulations." He extends his hand, which I shake before leaving the scan room.

Raph and Robin are still toying with the same computer when we come out, but quit and turn around as we come into the main lab. "How’d he do, Don?" inquires Robin.

"Passing to me, depends on what Leo says, though."

"When was the last time Leo overruled ya on a scan, though, Don?" Raph fires back.

"He hasn’t, but you never know," Donatello shrugs.

Raph turns to Robin. "I gotta have a word or two with Donnie alone, you two. You wanna step out into the main tunnel?"

"Sure thing, Raph." Robin steps to the door we came in by, which slides open automatically as we come closer to it. "C’mon, J.D., let’s get out of here before those lab types get to us." We walk back out into the tunnel, and wait for Raph.

"Um…Robin? Why the heck did Don have to strip search me?"

"He didn’t tell you?"

"Said he was looking for scars from implants."

"And you didn’t believe him?"

"Well…considering how high-tech that gear in the lab is, I think he could find an implant without having to see me naked and all that…"

"J.D., one of the reasons you got sent up here was that the Renegade who attacked us had stealth technology implants we couldn’t find with our current crop of equipment. So if our attacker didn’t register on any of our scans, we’d need to make sure you weren’t wearing anything similar. And if we can’t detect it with our scanners, the only option is to look you over for scars. Did Donny tell you about some of the crazy spots we’ve found implants in?"

"He said something about that, but didn’t name specifics."

"We once caught a Renegade down near one of our Wall Street checkpoints. He was running some kind of mapping computer, recording everything, yadda yadda yadda. Once we had him subdued, we ran a scan for implants. He had too much silicon in his body, we could tell that, but we couldn’t tell where it was. Turns out he had a microwave transmitter implanted in his tallywhacker."

"Eww…what’d you do to him?"

"Put it this way. He’s going to have a lot of trouble pleasing his girlfriend, if he ever gets one. Which I doubt: Renegades tend to be outcasts, and they don’t like to frat, so most of ‘em are loners anyway." She shrugs. "Besides, scum like that don’t deserve to be fathers. They’re biologically capable of it, sure, but nobody ever considers how the kids’ll turn out."

"Which everyone is concerned with down here in the Underground?"

"We care for our own more than the Renegades or Foot ever could. The Turtles grew up as brothers, so they know what it means to be a tight-knit family."

Right on cue, the door to the lab swings open and Raph walks out. He looks straight at Robin with a look of almost religious fervor in his eyes. "Robin—Don said he’s almost found a solution…"

"How sure is he that it’ll work?"

"Didn’t say. He’s close, that’s all he said. Do you know what this means?" His eyes grow a little wider.

"I hope he’s right…for your sake. I honestly don’t think it’s a problem, but that’s probably just me. And I know you’re worried about it, so…"

"You’re not around me 24-7, Robin. What if I’m entrance-counseling some runaway twelve-year-old when— "

"Don’t say that, Raph!" Her voice rises to an uncharacteristically panicky level.

"Um…" I step between the two of them. "What in Hoboken is going on here?"

Man, if looks could kill, I’d be thirty-six feet under from the way they’re looking at me. But then, I’m probably farther underground than that already.

Robin speaks, very quietly, but with icy steel in her voice. "J.D., for your sake, I hope to God you never find out."

I look at them both, start to ask, then stop. I ask something else.

"What about the scan?"

Raph clears his throat. "Yeah, let’s get it back to the lair. That crashing sound you hear in the distance is the distinctive sound of the subject being dropped. Kapeesh, J.D.?"

"Kapeesh."

"Good. Not word one about this to anyone, got that?"

"Got it, my lord."

"And don’t you forget it, either." He turns on his heel and stalks away, leading us back toward the lair.