TMNT and everyone in their universe are owned by Mirage. I own Audrey and all her birthday angst. iPod is owned by Apple!

Birthdays are not my exactly favorite time of the year.

Possibly because they were so disappointing for me as a child.

After all, I wasn't exactly the best-loved member of my family, after my mother died.

And I've always managed to let myself down each year hoping against hope that something would happen to make it a memorable as well as enjoyable time.

This year promises to be no different.

Let me tell you a story.

"Birthday Girl"

The cool thing about knowing Ninja is that they can enter your apartment and leave you stuff without ever letting you know they've been there.

They evidently can also liberate stuff- I don't see my iPod. I'm guessing he took it for some nefarious reason.

At least, I am assuming these roses are from Leonardo. The handwriting is his. I don't think a normal thief would leave you roses after boosting your iPod.

The roses look a little beat-up- kind of like how I feel at the moment.

I'm back from my dojo. The kids wished me Happy Birthday and then muffed their way through the new lesson.

I don't think this crowd will ever strike hard and fade away quickly into the night.

Oh, well, it's their first year anyway. But will this be my last?

I stare into the mirror as I wash the bitter sweat of dissatisfaction and restlessness from my frowning- and old-looking- face.

Can I stand this anymore? I think, as I look into the reflection of my own eyes- they used to be a pretty green, but now they look dull and lifeless; washed out- defeated.

I am getting older. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of the dojo. I'm tired of fighting.

I'm even tired of the thought of becoming a freelance assassin.

Yet I don't know what to do without any of it.

I make my way to the kitchen and treat myself to a birthday beer. It will probably be the only one I get tonight if I follow through with Leo's plan.

I down it quickly and treat myself to another. What the hell, it's my birthday.

The note he has left is supposed to be subtle, but it's so painfully honest it's funny. In essence, I'm to meet him somewhere and eventually we'll end up in the Lair for a surprise party. But I'm to act surprised.

My son, the ninja.

At the Lair: it's been decorated with Chinese lanterns, Christmas lights, pink flamingos (!), lots and lots and lots of balloons and streamers, and a very odd-looking cake that appears to have clowns on it.

I hate clowns.

It looks like a cross between a six-year-old's party and a blow-out sale at a party supply warehouse.

The music is cool, however! Raph must have had a hand in choosing it.

"How did you know these are my favorite songs?" I smile at him as one particularly obscure song begins blaring in the background.

Raph stands there, with his hands behind his back, as though he is hiding something.

"Lucky guess," he grins, rather too cheerfully. I think I catch the flash of something white as he quickly turns and heads into the kitchen with a "coming, Donnie!"

I didn't hear Don call him.

The food is great. That must have been Mikey's department. I'm standing with Mikey in front of a table with way too much food:

"Michelangelo, there are eight of us. Are you sure this is enough food?"

He grins confidently.

"I have way more in the kitchen for when it runs low," he assures me with a smile and a gleam in his eye.

I look at him.

"Sarcasm is wasted on you, isn't it?"

The special effects, party favors, and decorations are definitely Donnie's work. I'm guessing this because when I pull a birthday "cracker" with Don, I nearly have a heart attack as it explodes in confetti, smoke, sparks, and lots of noise- and knocks me on my butt.

Leo must have been left in charge of gifts, I think, as I look at the badly wrapped gifts sitting on the coffee table in the "family area" of the Lair.

It's amazing to me how such an accomplished ninja can be so heavy-handed when it comes to wrapping a present.

The party is going strong, considering there are only the guys, Splinter, April, Casey, and me there. Yet it seems as if there are a hundred in the room, it's that energetic and happy and so full of life.

Why do I feel like I'm just watching at the moment?

Why do I feel like I'm being watched at the moment?

I turn and find myself next to Master Splinter.

"Well?" he asks as if continuing a previous conversation. "What have you decided?"

I shake my head in undisguised admiration, laughing at his intuition.

"Nothing. I'll probably just stick it out like I always do," I reply, as if he knows exactly what I mean. And I'm sure he does.

"No desires to suddenly change the course of your life?"

"Oh, hell, yes, plenty of those!" I laugh. "But deep down I won't- I have found, oddly enough, that selfish people like myself seldom change the current situations unless there is a strong guarantee of success of some kind."

"This is my present to you. I, Leonardo's Father, speak to you, Leonardo's Mother," he says. "You are successful, loving, powerful, strong, intelligent, bending, accepting, wise, worthy, valuable, and indispensable. Do not do anything rash. Do not think you are not appreciated. Do not wallow in regret. Do not live in the past. Do not abandon your students, your family, your life. And by family, I mean us," he adds, well-aware of my past history.

I have nothing to say- what the hell could you say about all that?

"You have made sacrifices all your life," he continues. "They are all part of you. They hurt, but do not let them fester. You still feel the humiliation of the interference of the Daimyo, yes?"

Man! I am blind-sided by that comment as effectively as if it has been a physical attack!

There is no way to lie my way out of that one. Though I haven't thought consciously of it, I realize that I'm still pissed as hell at the Daimyo. What he did to me, after all I went through when I'd thought I'd killed Leo- when I thought I'd killed my own "son" because of the evil plans of his spoiled brat...

"Okay," I say, as if we've been arguing about this for ages. "It's true. That guy robbed me of all honor. Or should I say, I let him rob me of all honor? Which is it, Sensei? Did he take it, or did I give it? Either way, it still burns in my soul. Once in a great while, I still wake in the middle of the night, angry and frustrated and planning revenge. Are you going to tell me to forget it? I've tried. More than you can know. It was, in some ways, worse than how my family treated me. I expected no regards for my honor from them. I expected it from such a powerful being; a powerful being who supposedly holds such things as honor sacred. What do I do, Sensei?"

I start to cry without meaning to. Thankfully, no one is paying us any attention- I think.

I notice that Leo is standing nearby, listening without appearing to be listening.

I should have known Leonardo would be lurking on the edges of my emotions.

"It is because he does hold honor sacred that he had to stop you," Splinter tries to explain to me, drawing my attention away from my one and only "son" and back to his real father. I don't want to listen, but I do, as politely as possible, as I quickly dry up my tears. "The Daimyo has never rejoiced in the death of others. To him the skill of fighting is the joy. He could not allow you to dishonor yourself by killing anyone, even his own worthless son; even if in the process he, as you say, robbed you of your honor."

"He took his son's place," I remind him, "and told me that he would take the death blow."

"And you had the right to deliver it, but you did not."

"Because there was no honor in killing the father, Splinter!" I explode. Fortunately, the music is so loud, and the others are having so much fun, they don't notice- except, naturally, Leo, listening without appearing to. But I have no time to think of him- I am in full emotional swing. "Where is the honor in killing the father? More over, he actually could take his place! You more than anyone else should understand how I would have given anything- anything- to have taken Leo's place that day! As often as I think of the Daimyo's interference, I think ten times as much of how I almost killed Leo. Why didn't he interfere that time?"

Splinter shakes his head, sighs; he has no answer to that one.

"I wish I could tell you what to do, and that it would be the solution you need," Splinter finally responds gently. "To ask you to forgive this seems to me to be selfish on my part- you have been pressured to forgive so much in your life, more than anyone has a right to be forced to do. But I find that I must be a selfish person as well. I ask you to forgive the Daimyo- if not for his sake, for your own."

Damn. He uttered those "words".

I sigh and shake my head, eyes closed, shoulders sagging in slight disappointment. I had so hoped that Splinter would suddenly say something that would be the cure I needed- I had so hoped. But he had not.

"If only you hadn't added the last part," I say sadly. "I would have been more willing to consider it. But all my life I have been browbeaten with 'if not for their sake, then for your own'. I'm tired of 'for my sake'. I want to forget 'for my sake'. Why did you have to add that last part?"

Splinter doesn't answer. Thankfully. Instead he does something that is surprising to me- and also most welcome at the moment: he hugs me warmly.

We stand like that for maybe a minute. Then I regretfully release him as he lets go of me, and I try to smile, try to appear like an adult, not a spoiled brat.

I force a sort of smile on my face, take a deep yet ragged breath.

"Look, I know what you say is all true and makes sense and all that stuff. But I can't do it right now. I can shove it to the back of my memory, I can even ignore my guilt when I look at Leo's scars. But at this exact moment I can't do what you ask. But I will in the future."

He accepts this weak and insincere promise with a nod of his head and a gentle shine of his brown eyes.

I bow to him and thank him politely and sincerely for my present. I even manage to smile in genuine gratitude. Then I head for the buffet.

I'm not hungry, but I need to do something.

"Are you all right?" Leonardo asks, casually yet suddenly next to me.

"Yes."

"Don't lie to me, Mom," he says softly.

"No, I'm not all right," I find myself saying. "I will probably never be all right. I may live the rest of my life not all right." Then I manage a sincere grin at this son of mine. "But I will live."

"Settling?"

"Yes, settling. Take a mother's advice, and never settle."

"I wish I could say something to help."

"You can. Say I don't look 42."

"You don't look 42. Are you 42?"

I look at him in shock.

"Of course not!"

Fortunately, he believes me.

I turn and watch what is going on. I suddenly recognize the song playing. It's one by the Foo Fighters, and a personal favorite- but it never really meant anything to me, except that I enjoyed it.

But now, I realize that it is speaking to me- and it's rather a shock!

It's spooky how it is almost appropriate to my thoughts and feelings at this exact moment.

Donnie and April are dancing.

At least, I guess what Don is doing is dancing. As I watch his strange combinations of kata moves, wrigglings, and general jumping around, I mention this suspicion to Leo, but he is unable to confirm it.

Casey and Raph are clowning around with various weightlifting items, seeing who can juggle the dumbbells the longest before smashing a foot or something.

"Did you notice there are dumbbells playing with dumbbells?" Leo asks, looking pleased at his own joke, and taking me completely by surprise.

I stare at him in momentary shock- and then cannot help the amused smile that appears on my face. He ignores me.

Mike is being Mike. This involves everything from stuffing his face to dancing to inhaling helium and talking funny (young turtles at home, don't try this!) to whatever else his imagination can come up.

Neither one of us can say anything. Mikey is beyond words.

Splinter is watching as well, unaware for the moment that I am watching him watch his family.

It makes me happy to see the expressions on his face- love, humor, puzzlement, resignation, pride- all there courtesy of the various actions and antics of his sons and their friends.

Leo is watching, too. I look at him watching Splinter and the others with the almost identical looks on his face as his Sensei's.

Like father, like son.

I look at them all and smile in spite of everything.

I'm feeling happy and at peace.

For once.

On my birthday.

The song is right- it is times like these that you learn to live again.

Were things solved tonight? Of course not. They never will be. I will spend the rest of my life settling. Being the martyr- and trying not to be, as I hate martyrs.

Settling. I can live with it.

But tonight is a beautiful night for living.

And I'm sharing it with family.

Their names are :

Splinter.

Donatello.

Raphael.

Michelangelo.

April.

Casey.

And my precious son Leonardo.

Happy Birthday.