137I won't make excuses other than Real Life and Writer's Block. TMNT are the property of Nickelodeon and Viacom. And while we're at it, that movie was God-Awful and seriously lacking in the "Teenage" and "Ninja" parts of it's title).
Stalking the Green-Eyed Monster
Sun Tzu says:
5, 6. The Moral Law causes the people to be in complete accord with
their ruler, so that they will follow him regardless of their lives,
undismayed by any danger.
13. (1) Which of the two sovereigns is imbued with the Moral law?
(2) Which of the two generals has most ability? (3) With whom lie
the advantages derived from Heaven and Earth? (4) On which side is
discipline most rigorously enforced? (5) Which army is stronger? (6)
On which side are officers and men more highly trained? (7) In which
army is there the greater constancy both in reward and punishment?
14. By means of these seven considerations I can forecast victory
or defeat.
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
Ninja-Master Leonardo could do no worng.
Leonardo studied the sentence, and then quickly (cheeks tinged with the darkened green of embarrassment) corrected the spelling mistake.
He was riding high on a tsunami of success—he'd avoided lying to Splinter in the dojo, he'd beat both Raph and Don physically and mentally, and best of the best—he'd managed several extremely clever yet subtle sabotages to prevent Mike from getting his notebook back for a further week.
"But Sensei, I swear, I would NEVER put something like that in anyone's bed! HONEST!" Mike was still pleading, but the Rat was not listening. He'd heard it all before, from the snails that were meant for Raphael to the strange inflated human woman that his son mistakenly thought was a swimming aid, Splinter had grown deaf to the many denials of Michelangelo when it came to practical jokes.
That Raphael and Donatello both vociferously supported Michelangelo's claims was a bit of a surprise, but when they started trying to drag Leonardo into the narrative by accusing him of all sorts of trickery and dishonesty… well, the rat was overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude.
Someone was lying to him, he knew this. Logic dictated that it was Leonardo—and yet Logic also pointed out that from past experience, Leonardo was the most honest of the four. Whether from the mutation of something in his turtle nature, or from some overdeveloped sense of Honor, that boy was nothing if not trustworthy.
And yet… could the other three be entirely in the wrong?
When they were five or six, it was easy to coax the truth out of them.
But now, when they were ten? Now it was much harder to make them understand that Honesty between the brothers and their Sensei was extremely important.
"Excuse me, Sensei," Donatello interrupted his thoughts. Wearing his "lab coat" (a gentleman's white shirt, sleeves carefully rolled up) goggles (swimming) and his Playtex™® rubber gloves, and carrying his box marked "Don's Experiments Leave Them Alone Mikey", he managed a bow for his father before continuing. "But you said I may use the kitchen table today for my work. Is now a good time?"
Splinter smiled a warm smile and assisted his son with the setting up of yet another one of Donatello's experiments ("Today I'm going to investigate exothermic reactions by mixing hydrogen peroxide, dish soap, dry yeast and food coloring in an empty soda bottle!"). As he listened to the happy lecture and watched the process by which his son was about to make a huge foamy mess all over the table and floor and part of the kitchen wall, Splinter came to a conclusion.
It was time that he did an experiment of his own.
It had taken several days of scrupulous planning, cajoling agents, filing and refiling permit after permit with the city, wheedling the network, begging the film crew, coming up with the (unreasonable) amount of money required to secure the "expert hunter" ("Gator Guy" host Jimmy-Paul Beddle) that would come along, working out the details of and rights to the cross-over aspect of the venture and countless hours of pacifying his star who suddenly felt threatened by the inclusion of said Jimmy-Paul Beddle, his arch-rival when it came to the all-important People's Choice Awards©®™ for Best Reality TV Host (current score—Dan Wilder: 3 wins, Jimmy-Paul Beddle: 4 wins, two in a row at that).
"We NEED him and that's that!" the director finally screamed.
Dan seemed to consider this as a request. After a minute of "thoughtful" expression, he nodded his approval.
"But it's still my show! I get the most screen-time and dialogue!"
The director heaved a sigh of frustration, and then forced himself to calm down.
"Naturally, Dan. Naturally. Now, let's get that Moschella guy on the phone and get ready to go back. Tomorrow is gonna be EPIC!"
"Ninja-Master Leonardo could do no wrong," he reread to himself after about ten minutes of solid writing in his private, very own nobody better ever read it or else journal (meant for daily stuff, not the epic narrative that it had grown into—but then, Splinter said simply to write, and as he didn't read it, what was the harm?). "His skill was unsurpassed by the rest of the clan. Indeed, even the Master of all Masters was not a complete match for the brilliance of Ninja-Master Leonardo."
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, basking in the glowing words of praise for himself. Pencil at the ready, he continued with his story—who knows, one day it would make a great movie, not as great as the best of the Zatoichi films, true, but still….
"Now that he had ample time to study the Secrets of the Great Masters, his confidence grew. Now, NO ONE could ever take his place as (Future) Leader of the Ninja!"
And with a self-satisfied Grin of Victory on his face, he put down his pencil and reached for the Kata of All Katas.
"Leonardo!" called Splinter from the other room. Leonardo nearly jumped out of his shell, hastily gathered his items and unceremoniously stuffed them between mattress and box spring (while managing to not disturb his near-perfectly made bed), and immediately appeared before Splinter before the rat could come find him.
"Hai, Sensei!" he bowed.
Splinter, slightly taken aback by the speed in which his son had responded, almost forgot why he'd called him.
"I am going out to forage tomorrow, and I will need help," he began, and Leonardo nodded as if this were old news.
"Naturally I will accompany you, Sensei," he assured Splinter, "but do you consider it wise to leave the children here alone? Who knows what sort of mischief they may get in to?"
Splinter stared at his son, not sure which riled his whiskers more, the referring to the others as "the children" or his questioning Splinter's parenting decisions. Leonardo seemed blissfully unaware that Splinter was studying him.
"Actually, my son, I have decided to take Raphael and Donatello with me," he told him, carefully watching for the response without seeming to.
Leonardo at first frowned in disappointment, but then a small voice inside his head pointed out that he would be virtually alone and could practice the Kata of all Katas to his heart's content!
"Very well, Father," he bowed. "I assume Michelangelo and I are to stay inside. Much as I would enjoy going out for some training and exercise, I see the need for one of us to stay behind and keep an eye on the young rascal. You can trust me!" And he bowed again.
Splinter merely acknowledged the bow.
"We will be gone for a very long time tomorrow. If all goes well, you may expect us home in time for supper. Michelangelo knows what there is to prepare for your lunch. I trust I will not come home to an empty larder."
"I will keep an eye on him, Sensei," Leo assured him, outwardly calm but inwardly doing the Kata of all Katas (as he imagined it). This was the best news to come his way in ages! But he must not let on. Show a little more regret at being left behind he told himself.
"But I sure wish I were going instead. That sounds like it's going to be difficult and dangerous, being gone all day. I envy the others. But I will do as you command!" And once again, he snapped off a bow that would put the most skilled Ninja to shame.
Back in his room, he allowed himself one brief and intense moment of celebration. Then he resumed his new adult role as second-in-command and (Future) Leader, secure in the knowledge that despite the ever-present rival Michelangelo, he would be mastering Kusanku. There was no doubt in his mind.
"I am supposed to be the Leader!" he fiercely reaffirmed to himself. "Not Raph, not Don, and especially not Mikey!"
"My ears are burning," Mike interrupted, causing Leo to yelp and jump in surprise.
"Stop sneaking up on people!"
"I'd be a pretty sorry ninja if I couldn't sneak up on people," Mike laughed. "Anyways, I hear you and me are gonna be alone together tomorrow, so I thought I'd plan out some special activities for the two of us!"
"I don't think you need to plan anything," Leo countered, but Mike, rummaging around for one of his many other notebooks (marked with such titles as "Dumb Lessons in Math" and "Moar Dumb Lessons Only in Speling") until he found the one he'd been searching for—"Plans for When I'm Stuck at Home With Brothers"—and immediately took up a writing position on his bed (flat on his plastron, feet waving in the air, head propped on one fist).
"It's not often I get to spend an entire day with my Ani home alone!" Mike enthused, busy scribbling. "And tomorrow is even better 'cause of all the neat cartoons that will be on! We can start the day by watching a few of them. But which ones? I should have brought the T.V. Guide™© with me…. Ah well, I'll figure that out later!"
"Mike, really…"
"And then there's the lunch to plan! I know, I'll make your favorite—peanut butter and sardines on crackers with carrot sticks and hot sauce for dipping the carrot sticks in! Oh, wait… I think we're out of peanut butter…."
And the turtle became lost in his scribbling, erasing, and mumbling about "whipped marshmallow instead of peanut butter? No, that's silly… but maybe…."
Leonardo left for the privacy of the bathroom—and ran smack dab into Raph and Don.
"So, we get ta go out tomorrow and you get ta babysit," Raph said, only it didn't sound like gloating. To Leo, it sounded like Raph was On To Something. He gave Leo such a scowl that for a moment the (Future) Leader was sure Raph could read his thoughts.
But he recovered quickly.
"You two are extremely fortunate that Sensei has seen fit to include you," Leo haughtily replied. "If it had been my decision, you would both be grounded to the dojo for your attempts to defame me."
"You mother—!"
"Hey, LeoNERDo, want to show us how to hide on the ceiling?" Don challenged loudly before Raph's language could land them all in trouble. "I've always wanted to master that bit of trickery."
Leo merely pushed past the two and entered the bathroom, careful to lock it without seeming to, and more (he told himself) for the privacy than the protection. He could hear Raph still muttering and cursing in the hallway, sounding like Yosemite Sam ("Rasin'frackin'ricken'rackin'") and Don doing his best to calm him down with "I know, I know, but I want to go with Splinter tomorrow so calm down."
It was too early for a bath, but it was tempting. He needed time to Think. Avoiding Mike when he was in this "Big Brother/Little Brother" mood was going to take all of his skills as a Ninja Master.
He'll want to watch all those superhero cartoons, and talk through them all so you can't hear anyway," Leo complained to his reflection in the mirror. "And he'll insist we sit side by side on the couch, and he'll be flipping the channels to try to watch them all at once, and just as you get interested in one, he'll change it and say 'Oh, yeah, I forgot THIS one was on, it's my FAVORITE!' And then he'll make a lunch that is inedible, no matter how many times you tell him sardines are nasty, smelly, and oily and how you don't like them, and THEN the board games will come out!"
Leonardo paced back and forth, trying to think of an adult solution to his problem of how to Avoid Mike and Learn the Kata Tomorrow Before Splinter Got Home. He stared into the mirror again.
"What if his plan is to make sure you DON'T learn the kata?" his reflection suddenly asked. "What if… what if he KNOWS what you're up to? After all, he wants to be the leader."
"I'd be a pretty sorry Ninja Leader if I couldn't sneak up on people."
Wait… Mike didn't say that. He just said "ninja"….
Or did he?
Leo was certain Mike hadn't said it like that… but at the same time, it was like he REMEMBERED HEARING him say that… but did he? He wouldn't put it past Mike, after all, he WAS learning the kata at the express instruction of Sensei… but did he… was he…
Leonardo nodded fiercely at his reflection.
No two ways about it. Tomorrow Leonardo, Ninja-Master, was going to have to be at the tippy-top of his game!
Dan Wilder paced back and forth in his hotel room, still unsure which of his khaki shirts and pants he should wear tomorrow. He'd already had a dinner-meeting with everyone including that Moschella dude and good ol' boy Jimmy-Paul ("Sho' am lookin' fowad ta wukkin with ya, Danny boy!" he'd belted out in that fake accent of his. But Dan knew the truth: Jimmy-Paul was looking to replace him as Best Reality TV Host Period!
No two ways about it. Tomorrow Dan Wilder, Legendary Host of "Quest Busters of the Underworld", was going to have to be at the tippy-top of his game!
Splinter, for his part, enjoyed a nice hot cup of sake and a good book before retiring for the night.