137Wow, an UPDATE! Yes, it's true! Hurray! Hope you enjoy it!
TMNT are the property of Viacom and Nickelodeon. "Quest Busters of the Underworld" owes its title to several shows on various networks but I'm too lazy to list them all. Dan Wilder is a fictional being and in no way related to Don Wildman except as perhaps a parody. All OCs are mine.
Stalking the Green-Eyed Monster
XI. THE NINE SITUATIONS
1. Sun Tzu said: The art of war recognizes nine varieties of ground:
(1) Dispersive ground; (2) facile ground; (3) contentious ground;
(4) open ground; (5) ground of intersecting highways;
(6) serious ground; (7) difficult ground; (8) hemmed-in ground;
(9) desperate ground.
2. When a chieftain is fighting in his own territory,
it is dispersive ground.
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
"Okay, permits are in order, crew is in place, lighting is working, so let's get this episode started!"
The tall, good-looking man to whom the shorter, stouter man had addressed rubbed a hand over his carefully crafted beard-stubble and made a face.
"Is the make-up artist coming along this time?" he asked, brushing an imaginary speck from his olive green Army jacket. "I don't want to end up looking like I live down there, like that time in Istanbul."
The director, with as much patience as he could muster, nodded.
"No worries! This episode will be much different. Most of our time will be spent in the old abandoned stations, with a few brief scenes in the sewers-"
"I specifically asked that we avoid the sewers this time around," the dark-haired man frowned, his tanned skin growing darker as his displeasure started to build. "I don't LIKE respiratory infections!"
"Then wear your protective mask this time!" the director chided. "Sewers are needed for this episode. Don't worry, you'll only narrate the main scenes of those, but we have to have a few shots of you in there. Credibility and all, you know."
The host of "Quest Busters of the Underworld" sighed, his reluctant acceptance signaled by the pursing of his lips, an irritated glance to the left and a slight shake of his head. Then he ran a careful hand across the top of his head to reassure himself that his hair was still in place.
"And then we'll film in this old drainage junction," the director continued, pointing to a vague spot on one of the maps he had in his possession. "The sound crew's not happy as they haven't had a chance to adjust everything, but we got the clearance to film there today, so we'll just have to fix it in house."
Meanwhile, watching all this action with star-struck awe, was a tall N.Y.C. Transit worker. His uniform looked brand new, and it was so starched and crisp it was a wonder he could move in it without cracking. He'd managed to cut himself several times that morning shaving, and now the make-up artist for the show was trying her level best to cover the nicks up.
The stinging was sharp but he managed to put it out of his mind. This was BIG! He was gonna be on a TV show! HE was gonna be the guide to Dan Wilder, Host and Star of the show- hell, he was gonna be INTERVIEWED ON CAMERA- He, Joseph Anthony Moschella, who'd a thunk it?
And Lenny had told him that goin' to that old station was a waste of time! HA! Look who's gonna be on TV! And all because of that scream and those shiny toy handcuffs!
"And what about the other guy?" Dan Wilder questioned his director, making that circling gesture next to his head when one is indicating someone else is cuckoo. "The guy who claims the talking mask-wearing frog accosted him? Are we really going to have to have him along?"
"No worries," the director once again used his favorite reply. "We got his interview already. Besides, he swore he'd never go back down there again, not even for fame and glory. Now, let's get this first shot out of the way so we can get goin'!"
Lights- camera- quiet on the "set"- three, two, one, ACTION!
"We're back in New York, the City that Never Sleeps, where secrets run deep," Dan Wilder intoned, head tilted down at just the right angle, eyes dead on the camera, that little half-smirk bad-boy expression that the ladies loved showing on cue. Each gesture was choreographed and practiced to perfection. "The sights and sounds of the Underground once again summon us, challenging us to prove or disprove the myths and legends that have grown over the years."
He carefully moved to his left, eyes still on the camera, ignoring background street action (well-supervised by New York's Finest), speaking as he moved towards his mark.
"What is it that lures us back this time? The typical alligators in the sewers? Lost civilizations living undetected in the depths of the underworld?"
Now he crouched in perfect three/quarter profile, so that the manhole cover was in shot with him. His hand went into his pocket and he pulled out the toy handcuffs.
"No, it's this. This simple child's toy."
He gestured dramatically again at the handcuffs.
"This toy... and a mysterious scream... and the story of strange encounters with talking frogs."
"And cut! Beautiful work, Dan, simply beautiful!"
"No, I think I should redo the cross over to the manhole cover," Dan disagreed. "Set it up again."
The night before:
Stealing is wrong!
"You shouldn't steal from your brother!"
"Stealing is dishonorable!"
"HOW can you think of stealing from your own brother?"
"Stealing is what he's been trying to do, so why are you bustin' his shell now?"
Both Leo and his Little Angel Turtle sat back at that statement.
"I mean, really! He's been trying from the moment he found out that Mike was tryin' to take over as Leader! He tried on the couch, he tried in the kitchen, he tried in the bathroom- hell, have ya forgotten that long day of followin' that troublemaker all over the world?"
"Yeah... I'd forgotten those attempts. You're right."
"Is it ever right for a Ninja to steal?"
Splinter, in the middle of fixing dinner, looked over at Leonardo, who tried to act casually.
"For example, say one was a spy in the enemy's camp, and he was charged with returning with the enemy general's battle plans," he went on, as he sat the table for dinner. "Is that stealing? And if it's stealing, is it right to steal then? How is it different from, oh, say, stealing a toy from a brother?"
"Leonardo, are you trying to confess to something?
Leo nearly dropped the silverware. Did Splinter Suspect?
"No, sensei," he hastily assured his Father and Master. "No no no! I was just wondering! I mean, I read all these stories and stuff, and I was just wondering!"
Splinter, a slight look of disbelief on his face, nevertheless allowed it to pass, and returned to making dinner.
"There are differences," he simply said. "When one is retrieving information that is vital to the success of one's army, that is something that benefits the spy's general and comrades. When one takes a toy from a brother, that is a selfish act and will be punished."
Leo nodded.
"Told ya so," smirked Little Devil Turtle, elbowing Little Angel Turtle roughly in the arm.
"Ow! That hurt!"
Leo, his chore finished, left the kitchen to check on the progress of the others as was his duty as (Future) Leader.
Donatello, tasked with bathroom duty, was sitting in the tub, with no water, practicing the word "Eureka!" over and over.
"Donatello, have you cleaned everything like you were ordered?" Leonardo sternly asked, giving the room the once-over with a critical eye. Towels on the rack looked rather crooked. Indeed, his own fluffy blue one was folded slightly off-center. He immediately took it down, shook it out carefully, then refolded it, making sure that each corner was lined up exactly with the others.
"Nobody 'ordered' me to do anything, Leonerdo," Don replied, using the name Raph favored the elder turtle with upon occasion, eyes on his book (the one that Leo hadn't seen when he'd entered). "Splinter gave me this chore to do on this day, not you."
Leonardo shook his head in (Future) Leaderly fashion. Donatello was more and more like Raphael every day. He MUST take his Erring Brother in hand and guide him back from the Dark Path he was starting down...
Moving on to their room, he was just in time to see Raphael cram the last of the toys into the closet, forcing the door closed with a "and STAY in there!"
Catching sight of Leo, he snapped to attention and saluted.
"Ready for inspection, Sir!" he shouted.
"Knock it off, Raph. Why did you have to slam that door shut?"
"Because I was teachin' it a lesson," Raph replied easily, as he moved to finish smoothing out his own bedclothes. "It didn't wanna hold all the stuff I put in there, and I told it 'you damn well are gonna hold it all or else!' and then I had ta get rough. Ya know, spare the rod, spoil the door." And he chuckled at his own wittiness.
Leo didn't even waste more breath. Making a mental note to not let Splinter open that door, he moved on to his Final Objective: Michelangelo!
Yes, Michelangelo had been given the precious task of changing the bedding in Sensei's room! Leonardo had begged his Father and Master for the honor- I mean, chore- of spending time in that sacrosanct sanctuary; he had pointed out how such a daunting task should be reserved for one such as himself, one who was destined to be (Future) Leader, one who would not short-sheet the bed as a joke!
"Leonardo, Michelangelo will do the chore with the same care and dedication as any of you would," Splinter had replied, slightly annoyed with Leonardo's insistence. He was going to have to have a Talk with this one about his "enthusiasm" some day.
He nonchalantly entered the room (having had to restrain himself from the respectful bow he'd perfected and was used to giving whenever Splinter was in the room), supercritical eye ready to detect the least little thing that would show that Michelangelo had Dishonored their Father and Master in any possible way- and froze in shock!
"Hey, Leo!" Mike, sprawled on his plastron, was finishing tucking in the sheets and blanket at the foot of the bed- WHILE HE WAS ON THE BED!
Leo watched in horrified speechlessness as the turtle then scooted around and smoothed down the blanket with a weird swimming motion, slowly making his way to the top of the bed where, rising up on his knees, he fluffed up the pillows, then slid from the bed, smoothing down the stray wrinkles he'd made while getting down.
"Michelangelo," he finally managed, as his brother radiated satisfaction at a Job Well-Done, "Why... How... Why..."
"Good job, eh, Leo? Work worthy of a leader, don't you agree?" Mike grinned, gazing at his handiwork. "AND I got a Surprise for Sensei!"
And quickly he put two pieces of candy that were still in the cellophane wrappers on the pillows!
"I've been saving those mints since forever!" he told the newly speechless Leo. "Ever since I heard that at the bestest hotels they put candy on the pillows! Think Splinter will like it?"
Leo, stunned (and kicking himself for NEVER having thought of doing something similar when it was HIS turn to work in here), merely nodded.
"Yep, I'm glad I finally got to do it," Mike continued, retrieving his Notebook from under Splinter's bed. "A good leader thinks of these things."
And he wandered out of the room, leaving a brother turned to stone by the parting words.
No. No. No no no no no-no-no-no-no-no-NO!
HE was NOT going to be LEADER! NEVER! NEVER in a gazillion YEARS!
"Watch this," Little Devil Turtle whispered confidently to Little Angel Turtle.
Leonardo caught up with Mike, who was now on the couch, sorting through his Notebook before dinner.
"How do you keep anything straight in there?" Leo asked simply, joining him on the couch and turning on the TV.
"Oh, I've got my own method," Mike smiled, and held up a few manilla folders. "See? I've categorized the important things into these."
Leo was permitted to view (from a safe distance; DO NOT TOUCH!) the titles: How to Piss off Raph; How to Cook Kung-Pao Chicken; Tip-
Top Super-Secret Kata...
"Oops!" Mike hastily shoved that one back into the Notebook before Leo could finish reading the lengthy title. "That one's the secretest one of the most secret ones. You didn't see the title, did you?" And he cast worried eyes on his brother.
"Huh? Oh, no, no," Leo, the smirk of superiority carefully under control. Mike had Slipped Up big time. Big Time for real!
"My sons, come to the table," Splinter called, and Leo, with much indifference, ignored any further attempts by Mike to draw his attention to the "Super-Secret Folder that I accidentally showed you."
Morning.
Splinter was going out to scavenge. The boys were to stay at home.
"I've been noticing the smell of humans more and more lately," he said. "I do not want any of you to even step outside this door."
"Hai, Sensei" they said in unison, with a bow. Leo, fingers mentally crossed, awaited the usual instructions.
"Raphael, I want that writing assignment to be completed by the time I return home," came the stern warning. "Donatello, I forbid you to clutter the kitchen with your experiment. Today you are to practice your calligraphy. I will expect that passage I gave you copied at least three times and waiting for me along with Raphael's assignment."
Raph and Don did the bows as usual, Don more reluctant than Raph. But at least they'd be at the same table, Leo knew- the kitchen table was the perfect place for doing such assignments, and they'd both be so busy trying to finish as soon as possible that they'd both make mistakes and be at it for hours!
"Michelangelo, you are to spend the time in the dojo corner, with no snacks, no comics and NO notebook," he stressed with a stern look. "I am still unhappy with that practical joke."
"But Sensei, that bucket of water was for Raph! I swear I didn't mean for YOU to get doused on your way to the bathroom!"
"Nevertheless, I was the receiver of the prank. You will put your notebook in my room- in the usual place. Now."
"Hai, Sensei," Mike bowed, and trudged off to comply.
"Leonardo, you are in charge. And all of you, stay out of trouble!"
Mike, with a forlorn look, entered the dojo and plopped down in the corner. He hated having nothing to do.
Leonardo was careful to keep any trace of anticipation and glee from his tone of voice as well as his body language as the other two entered the kitchen to begin their own punishments- I mean, assignments- and he saw Splinter off with a "good hunting, Sensei!"
He counted the minutes until Mike whined from the dojo if he could have a drink of milk and go to the bathroom.
Ten minutes exactly.
"This is the one and only time you will be allowed to go," Leo said, keeping an eye on Mike to make sure he didn't sneak off to Sensei's to get his notebook, or to his own room to get some comics. Then he escorted him to the kitchen where he allowed Mike to persuade him to also include some cookies and perhaps a sandwich or two and an extra glass of milk (Leo knew he'd be clamoring to use the bathroom again later, but it mattered little- he'd be back before then), and he helped Mike carry all this back to the dojo with a stern admonishment to not make a mess.
Leo was breaking a cardinal rule about food in the dojo, but it was part of his plan. He HAD to let Mikey get away with this, so he himself could get away- from the Lair!
Once he'd closed the door on his brother, he swiftly made his way to Splinter's room and with very little effort found the Notebook in the usual place, under the bed!
Yes, little brother, you slipped up twice yesterday. Ah well, it was bound to happen. Call yourself a future leader? I don't think so!
Leo extracted the folder labeled "Tiptop Super-Secret Kata That Sensei is Only Teaching Me and NOT Leonardo", and after frowning at the title, he opened it only long enough to ascertain that this indeed was what he was after.
Master Spy Leonardo's plan had worked perfectly. After a night of drinking with the enemy, disguised as a fellow soldier, Master Spy Leonardo had planted the seed of the enemy's downfall
"I saw this show where someone put a bucket of water on the top of the bathroom door, and when someone entered, the bucket tipped and poured water all over the person," he'd said in passing. "I doubt that would work in real life, however..."
"Naw, that would be the easiest thing to do!" the enemy soldier named Michelangelo had replied. "The trick is to make sure it doesn't drip water on the floor 'cause that's a dead giveaway."
"I don't believe it!" scoffed Master Spy Leonardo. "And besides, how could you know it would get that person? The show I saw was just that- a show."
"It CAN work! I bet I could get Raph really good with that, he's the one who gets up the most in the night to pee."
Master Spy Leonardo simply shook his head in disbelief and then Changed the Subject.
"Ah, Mikey," Leo chuckled as he carefully and quickly put the notebook back, clutching the folder to his plastron. "You were so careless yesterday. You revealed your hiding place; you revealed the exact folder; you revealed your weakness for proving yourself right and got Splinter instead of Raph! Ha! He won't think of YOU as leader material after that episode! Icing on the cake, so to speak!"
"Stop gloating and get a move on!" Little Angel Turtle shouted at him, causing Little Devil Turtle to stare at him in shock. "What?"
Quickly, quietly, Leo was out the door and on his way to the old drainage junction.
Nothing could go wrong. Absolutely nothing!
"Okay, that's a wrap for here!" the director shouted. The crew, wary of the spot where Joseph Anthony Moschella had pointed out where the rats had suddenly appeared after his harrowing discovery of the handcuffs (following his harrowing search for the harrowing scream that had drawn him there in the first place), started breaking down the portable lights and various other pieces of equipment and made ready to move out.
"Now all we need to do is get to the junction," the director said as the make-up artist and hair stylist both fussed around the host. "We can shoot some stuff on the way, maybe make the quick shot in the sewers- it'll only be a quick shot, Dan, I PROMISE! Then we can film the drainage junction and call it a day."
"I think we'll need to come back here tomorrow," Dan Wilder said. "I want to film a bit more down here. You can come back tomorrow, right?" This was directed at Joseph Anthony Moschella, who nearly leaped at the chance.
"Sure, Mr. Wilder! No problem! I can be here as much as you need me!"
"Yeah, good. Yeah, I want to redo that bit about the screams," Dan was now saying to the director. "I have a few ideas I want to try out."
The director, used to this after two seasons, merely nodded. He'd let Dan have his way, then fix it in editing later.
"Okay, people! Let's get a move on!" he said, and followed their guide towards their final destination for the day.
tbc