TMNT, Casey, and April are owned by Mirage. Audrey Franklin, her inheritance, and the rest of the plot are owned by me. Guess who makes more money?

I like hanging out at Audrey's.

For one thing, she doesn't mind the occasional loud noise. She's pretty cool about messes- as long as you clean up later. She lets you use her stuff without permission. She never seems to mind if you drop in at strange times. She means it when she says you can have "free use" of her place, even if she's not home. She's not too picky about whether you've eaten all your veggies before you eat dessert. And she has some of the coolest music on her iPod. She's also no goob when it comes to fighting.

And she understands how I feel about April.

Let me tell you a story.

"Valentines, Shmalentines"

Casey and April are both bugging me. They both have asked me for advice; advice I really don't feel like giving.

"What do you think I should do for Casey/April for Valentine's Day?" both of them have asked me- the name depends on who is asking.

"I was thinking of some really cool books on quantum theory and the biography of Einstein," April says to me.

"You mean, what you want Casey to get you?"

"No, silly- I was thinking of giving them to him!"

I sigh, and try to dissuade her.

"Whadda ya think, Don? Season tickets to Super Slam Ice Hockey, or a complete DVD set of Super Slam Ice Hockey's Greatest Games?"

"You mean, what April might be thinking of getting you?"

"Naw, I was thinking of which she'd like most? Probably the season tickets- after all, Super Slam is better live than on DVD!"

"I see your dilemma," Audrey says, as I unload on her. "A bitter, selfish person might be tempted to sabotage both their plans, thereby hoping to cause a breakup- with the romantic hope that one of the persons involved, and I don't mean Casey, would come cry on said bitter, selfish person's shoulder."

"Audrey, you have a devious mind."

"Thanks. Years of practice and planning."

"So, what do I do?"

"What do you want to do?"

I hate when she asks questions like that.

There are so many things I'd like to do, like:

Sweep April off her feet.

Challenge Casey to a duel.

Become a bitter recluse.

Travel the world as a lonely ronin- although I think you have to be a master-less samurai to do that.

"Help them out- you know they're both going to blow this- and I don't think I could live with myself if I let that happen."

Audrey nods.

"Operation: Cupid," she says, and calls Leo on the shell-cell I've given her.

In no time, the guys are here.

"Okay, this is the problem," she says, taking charge. "Valentine's Day is almost here, and two people we know are about to destroy at the least a beautiful friendship and at the most a wonderful happily ever after."

They look at each other, puzzled.

"She means Casey and April," I clarify, and they all nod in understanding, saying "Ohhh..."

"So, what do you want from us?" Leo asks.

"Cooperation. I hate to see two very nice but obviously clueless people mess up a really nice relationship," she says, taking the pressure off of me as the instigator- another reason I like hanging out at Audrey's place.

And she outlines the problem regarding gifts.

"I gotta say it, though he's my friend- Casey is one mega-bonehead," Raph says upon completion of Audrey's recap.

"I don't know, Raph," Leo muses. "It doesn't sound like April is that much more with the program gift/wise."

Which for some reason touches a nerve with me, but I hold my comments and temper as best as I can.

Audrey doesn't help much.

"Yes, she is brilliant, but not smart. So, are you with me?"

"What do you want us to do?" Mike says. "If it's to dress up as Cupids, forget it."

Audrey looks as if she's been struck by lightning.

"Michaelangelo!" she says, a grin spreading over her face like the sunrise. "That is the most wonderful, most brilliant, most romantic idea I have ever heard of! And you will look sooooooo cute in the wings and diaper!"

Mike has to be forcefully prevented from leaving.

He still can't tell when she is playing.

"Naive chucklehead," she chides him, "I want your help in planning and executing the most perfect, romantic Valentine's Day for those two that we can come up with- and it should look to each of them like the other one planned it."

"Question: What if they realize that neither one planned it, and they get mad?" Leo asks.

"Easy- we blame Mikey," she responds, and everyone except Mike is happy with plan B.

So we got to work. I research a place for their dinner, and Audrey made the reservations.

She is even providing the banking for this, which is expensive; after all, the place is pretty much booked up already, but she knows how much money talks in situations like this- how will I ever repay her?

"Why have the money if I don't spend it?" is all she says.

The big hurdle now is convincing April and Casey to buy appropriate gifts.

Raph and Leo are going to tackle Casey.

Probably literally, considering Raph.

Mike and I are suppose to persuade April to not get Casey anything that involves lots of brainpower.

Easier said than done, on both fronts:

Casey looks at Leo and Raph, puzzled.

"I don't get it. Super Slam is the greatest. April loves a good time, and you don't get much more good times than season tickets to Super Slam."

"Case, I'm with ya there," Raph says, "but April is a girl, you know. She might prefer something a little more- romantic."

"Ice hockey can be romantic," Casey argues. "For one thing, the games are played outside- in the cold- so snuggling up to keep warm is a definite romantic item."

"Casey, I think April would prefer a gift more in line with her- tastes," Leo tries. "You know- a big, cute teddy bear- and the teddy bear is holding a nice necklace for her- oh, yeah, and flowers."

"I'm not a goob," he says. "Flowers are always the first thing I think of when getting April something. Look, I appreciate you guys tryin' to help, but I've thought long and hard about this, and I know April, and trust me, she's gonna love the season tickets!"

"So, that's the bad luck we had," Leo concludes back at Audrey's.

"Well, perhaps she won't mind too much," Audrey muses, though not convincingly. "What about you guys?" and she turns to us.

I'm too depressed to tell her, so Mike gives the story.

"Guys, I appreciate the suggestions, but really, Casey could use these books," she says to us. "He's not the total goob you guys think he is. I mean, sure, he's not the first person you think of when you're buying books, but then-"

"We've got nothing against you giving him books," I say.

"You should just make sure he has enough crayons to go with them," Mike adds.

"At that point, April got kind of put out, and we had to leave," Mike concludes.

"Nice move, Mike," Audrey sighs. "So, from the gift point of view, we're nuked."

"We'd better make sure they know what restaurant they're going to, or it will be another disaster," Leo says wisely, so Audrey immediately calls April. She has a speaker phone, and we have a hard time keeping Mike quiet.

"Hey, guess what? I know where Casey is taking you for dinner Valentine's Day," she says.

"Really? Oh, is it nice? Don't tell me, I want to be surprised- no, wait, give me a hint, so I'll know what to wear- no, wait- will it involve overalls and tools? No, wait- okay, tell me- no wait-"

"The Belmont," Audrey finally says, putting April out of her misery. "But don't act as if it's a big deal, okay? He's a bit embarrassed about going to such a nice place. Oh, and he's picking you up here!"

"Oh, wow! Oh, I need a new dress! Oh, thanks, Audrey!"

And she hangs up.

Then Audrey calls Casey.

"Casey, it's me. Look, I'm calling to tip you off- April has already planned your Valentine's Day dinner, and I thought I'd better head you off before you made plans, as she already has made the reservations."

"Really? Where're we goin'?"

"The Belmont."

"The Belmont? Man, that place is so fancy, even the busboys are snooty. I don't know, that place is expensive, I don't know if-"

"April is taking you, chucklehead," Audrey says. "That means dinner's on her."

"I don't know, Aud," he says, calling her the nickname she hates the most, but is too kind to tell him. "I don't mind some girl paying my way once in a while, but the Belmont!"

"Dude, you will go, you will not embarrass April, you will be cool or you will answer to me!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"That's better. You pick her up here, though," Audrey continues, and she gives him the time of the reservation, the name the reservation is under (which is Jones/O'Neal- she was playing it safe), and instructions to dress nicely or else. "Oh, yeah, and I want to see what you're wearing before Valentine's Day- that way, I'll have a chance to make sure you're proper."

She hangs up.

"Now, all we have to do is fix the gift thing."

"I don't know, Audrey," I finally say. "I think we should just let the gift thing alone."

Everyone looks at me.

"Well, I mean, let them just give the gifts they bought," I try to explain. "After all, if they really care about each other, the gift shouldn't matter. April is pretty cool about those things- remember, Mike, when you gave her that frilly tou-tou because you thought she'd like to wear it during training?"

Mike smiles.

"She thanked me for being so thoughtful, and said it was even her favorite color," he brags, remembering. Then he thinks some more, and the look on his face changes. "Hey, she never wears it!"

"If I recall, she said she's waiting for a special occasion," Leo smiles, winking at the rest of us, and Mikey is appeased.

"Perhaps she's gonna wear it to dinner!"

"Don, I understand what you're saying about the gifts," Audrey says, looking at me kindly and in a way that doesn't draw anyone else's attention- except for Leo- "but are you sure?"

"Yes, Audrey," I say, smiling. "I'm sure it'll be okay."

Audrey shrugs.

"I'll bow to your expert opinion."

Day before Valentine's Day.

I'm at Audrey's, watching the news.

"Those takeover bandits have hit again, I see," I call to her in the next room.

"Damn! How many restaurants does that make so far?"

"I think this is the tenth in three weeks," I say. Audrey comes in with snacks, and a worried look.

"Did they say where?"

"Way over on the other side of the city, where the other nine have taken place. Why? You're not worried about tomorrow, are you?"

"No, why should I be worried? There are literally thousands of restaurants in New York. It would be silly to worry that the most special night we've been trying to plan for April and Casey would be ruined by such a thing as a takeover holdup."

"You are worried."

"I worry about lots of things. Like those gifts. But I believe you, Don, and will follow your lead."

I sit there, feeling suddenly guilty.

"Uh, Audrey? About those gifts..."

Valentine's Day.

April is frantic, trying to spend her entire day getting ready for tonight.

"And I haven't even wrapped Casey's gift yet."

"I'll wrap it for you while you get ready. But, gee, April, you'd think this was something special," I grumble at her preoccupation, then realize that she might find out my secret.

But she's too busy to notice.

"Don, this is special!" she says, taking time out for a brief conversation. "This is the first Valentine's date I've ever had! Well, not counting that disastrous one when I was sixteen."

"You haven't had any other dates on Valentine's Day?" I ask, surprised.

April sighs.

"I was considered too much of a brain for anyone to date," she confides. "I looked good, and was in gymnastics as well as cheer leading, but I guess the guys I was interested in were too intimidated by my grades. There was this guy I really had a crush on- Jason Temple. Funny, I'd almost forgotten him. Anyway, he was the coolest of the cool, and every girl had a crush on him. He was smart, athletic- captain of the debate team and the football team! I had three classes with him, and I use to ask him for help, though I really had better grades in those classes than he did. But he never asked me out."

She sits down, looking a bit sad.

"Then he suddenly asked me, the day before Valentine's Day, if I would go to the dance with him, and dinner afterwards. I was ecstatic! It was a dream come true! I was so nervous! And when we walked into the dance, everyone actually looked! It was like a movie!"

"What made it a disaster?" I ask, remembering what she'd said earlier.

"I discovered halfway through the dance that he had only asked me to get back at his girlfriend, Cindy. She had accepted a date with some other guy just to make him mad, so he was showing her that he could do the same. He paraded me past her a few times, and sometime later, when he said he would go get us both some soda- he made up with her and never came back. I had to call my dad for a ride home."

"Brutal!" I say, because it looks as if it still hurts. And I put a hand on her shoulder. "What a bonehead, to treat you like that! And poor you!"

She sighs again.

"Yes, I was so humiliated... though not as humiliated as he was the next day when he found out that he had the wrong study notes for the mid-term- and somehow, some mild, heat-activated acid managed to eat a huge hole in his pants seat during P.E.- and his chemicals in Lab somehow were mislabeled, and he created a mega-stink bomb instead of an acid neutralizer-and someone actually flatted all four of his tires on his new car!"

"Remind me not to get on your bad side," I say, and April grins, then goes about her busy work of getting ready.

I quickly wrap her "present" to Casey.

"Well, I've got to run," I say, and she vaguely waves goodbye, and I'm out.

Casey is no less frantic.

His gift, too, is not wrapped. I offer to do it for him, but he has bigger things on his mind to care whether it's wrapped or not.

"Whadda ya think? Whadda ya think?" he keeps saying to Raph and me. "Is she gonna like this outfit? What if she don't like this outfit? Where'm I gonna get another outfit if she don't like this one?"

And he stands there in a relatively nice dark suit, looking good but uncomfortable.

"Case, April is gonna love it!" Raph assures him.

Casey looks at Raph as if he's stupid.

"Not April, Raphy- Audrey! I gotta go over there and show her how I'm dressed, or I'm in trouble! I was suppose to do it yesterday! What if she don't like it?"

Audrey comes home from school loaded down with various candy gifts from her students, and she signs off on Casey's outfit.

Mikey eats most of Audrey's candy before April shows up.

April looks so beautiful!

They both stare at each other with goo-goo eyes for maybe five minutes, and then they get in the limo that Audrey blatantly rented for them- telling them both that she had arranged it, so there's no problem- "After all, your van and your motorcycle are hardly appropriate for the ambiance of the Belmont," she harshly informs them- and we ghost them to the restaurant.

"Are we really gonna hang out here all night?" Raph asks, bored.

"No one said you have to be here, Champ," Audrey says, watching the entrance like a hawk, alert for any sign of trouble. She still is not sure about the gifts or the temperaments of the gift receivers.

"And how will they feel when they find out dinner is already paid for?" she worries. "Oh, well, at least they won't be mad at each other!"

"I'd give anything to know what's going on inside," Leo says. "Too bad we can't dress up as waiters."

"Or takeover criminals," Raph suddenly says, alarmed, and points to the entrance. "Look!"

Seven guys in front of the restaurant have suddenly put on masks, pulled guns, and entered.

Audrey is already on her cell phone calling 911.

"Guys! Ten more are entering the back!" Mike tells us, coming to join us.

We hear a few shots, and screams, and a few people actually make it out of the building.

"I don't see April!" I say, looking at the crowd. "I don't see April!"

"We gotta do something!" Raph needlessly says. "The cops won't go in there once they get here. Not if there are hostages."

We head for the ground and the alley and the back entrance.

"Audrey, maybe you should wait for the cops," Leo says, but she is going in regardless.

"Maybe Splinter wasn't my master, but I am Ninja-trained," she reminds him. "Besides, what would New York's Finest think of the katana strapped to my back?"

We enter cautiously.

The kitchen staff is on the floor, being covered by three gunmen.

"Okay, Audrey, take care of these guys. We'll scope out the dining area," Leo says, a plan forming in his head. Audrey immediately finds a nice, heavy frying pan and makes her way to the threesome.

I want to watch, but we have work to do.

We make our way into the large dining area. A large number of customers, waiters, and busboys are crowded into a far corner, all on their knees- I still don't see Casey and April.

Raph, meanwhile, has found the owner, the manager and the hostess tied up in a small office with two of the gunman who are emptying the safe. Mike has his eyes on the one emptying the cash registers.

"Okay, everyone- now, all your money and jewels in this bag!" the largest of the gunmen is saying, and he acts as if he is going to shoot.

The bag is passed, and everyone puts stuff into it, no one daring to object.

"Give the word, Bro," Raph breathes. "The cops'll be here any minute! We don't need a hostage situation."

"They're about ready to run," Leo says. "Pick a target and be ready to go."

"Thank you everyone, and Happy Valentine's Day!" the leader says, as they back away from the crowd towards the front door.

"The same to you, sweetie!" I hear April before I see April- as she jumps over a table she's been hiding behind, bringing down a large soup tureen on the leader's head, then rolling out of sight- but not before doing a beautiful scissors kick on two more of the gunmen.

"Ruin my date, will ya?" Casey bellows, taking out three more with a chair.

"Man! We're not gonna get any of this action!" Raph complains, and he makes sure he gets in a few on his chosen targets- the two who were holding the owner, manager, and hostess.

"Man, this just gets better and better," Leo mumbles, and then the three of us join the battle.

It is swift, sweet, and brutal. April is vicious and looks good to boot. I make a quick stop during the fight near where they were hiding, and then we fade back into the kitchen, pick up Audrey who has been giving a cooking demonstration to her targets- "Sorry about the dent in the pan, Pierre! I'll send you a new one!"- and we are gone before Casey and April have even had a chance to notice, leaving them to mop up.

The cops come in to find April and Casey pretty much standing guard over the unconscious.

The owner of the restaurant, who had been greeting the customers, hugs Casey and April over and over again, and tells them that they will always eat free at his place, no matter how many friends they bring in, and he hugs them again- Casey looks very uncomfortable as he tells us the story later.

"Yeah, we saw that part on the news," Raph laughs.

"So, the date was ruined, I'm guessing," I say. They have come to Audrey's straight from the police station where they had to give their depositions.

"Well, yes and no," April says, smiling at Casey. "That was quick thinking on your part, to duck down where we were."

"You were the smart one, making sure that soup tureen ended up with us," he responds. "We were sitting in such a nice cozy dark corner the gunmen didn't notice us. Too bad we didn't get to eat dinner- that soup was good, though. But I'm afraid you wasted your money, Aud."

"What are you talking about?" she tries to bluff her way out.

"Oh, come on, Audrey," April says, laughing. "We're not stupid. We both know you were the one who set this up."

"And we appreciate it a lot!" Casey says, kissing Audrey on the cheek. "Thanks for a great evening."

She looks surprised, but overcomes it, and tells them it was my idea in the first place.

"Gee, how can we ever thank you?" April gushes, hugging me.

"I was just thinking the same regarding Audrey," I darkly say. She smiles and shrugs her shoulders.

"Sorry it all went the way it did, though," Audrey says, and offers to make them dinner.

And us as well.

Which we all accept.

She makes spaghetti, and has both plain sauce for the vegetarians and meat sauce for the carnivores- Mikey likes both.

I make the salad, and April helps- and I am as cool as the cucumber she is using, to borrow a cliché.

During dinner, both Casey and April thank Audrey again for the reservation and the limo.

"We didn't even get to give each other our presents," Casey says.

"Yeah- those goons managed to mess them up I think," April says. "I couldn't find them anywhere after the fight, and then the police insisted we come down to the station to make statements. The owner said he'd look for them, but I'll bet they're either evidence or history."

"That's okay, April- I don't need no gift other than you," Casey says, and it's so romantic-I'm guessing from the expression on April's face.

"And I have all I want or need with you," she responds, and they actually kiss in front of us.

"I'm gonna have nightmares," I hear Raph whisper to Mike, who nods in agreement, looking sick to his stomach.

Leo is looking at me, I can tell. So is Audrey. But they are doing it in a way that doesn't alert Raph and Mike.

"And, we wanted to thank you guys for your help in with the gunmen," April says after coming up for air. "We saw what you did- we don't think anyone else did- at least, we didn't hear anyone telling the cops about you."

"Though I heard the head chef telling the cops about some crazy ninja lady who dented up his best pan beating the crap outta the three gunmen in the kitchen."

"I object to crazy. But how did he figure ninja?"

"I guess from the sword," Casey says, and Audrey blushes.

"I forgot about that. I'm surprised he noticed. He kept yelling about his pan."

"Anyway, they said April and I would probably be getting the reward for these guys' capture, so we'll make sure it's split evenly."

"Yeah, we will share and share alike," April says. "Still, I'm sorry about the gifts."

"Well, guess what?" I say, pulling out the two gifts from the closet where I'd hidden them. "I managed to get your gifts out of there, just in case there was trouble with the police. But they got a little messed up."

Everyone looks surprised at the damaged wrapped presents!

"Donny! You are wonderful!" April shouts, and hugs and kisses me again.

"You're a real pal!" Casey slaps me on the shell, nearly knocking me over.

"Casey, this is for you. Happy Valentine's Day," April says.

"Thanks, and these are for you! I hope you enjoy them," Casey responds, giving her his gift.

"Oh, wow! Oh, wow! The Mike Hammer Collection!" Casey is ecstatic. "I love these books! I've always liked this kind of fiction! Thanks April!"

"What? Mike Hammer? But I..." and she looks at me, but my face is a mask of innocence.

Ninja training.

"You're welcome, Casey," she says, catching on. Then she opens hers. "Oh! Oh! Casey! How did you know? I've always wanted season tickets to the Lecture Series at the Museum! Some of the greatest scientists and mathematicians will be lecturing this year, but I thought they were all sold out! Oh, and you bought two! We both can go! Oh, you are so wonderful!" And she hugs him.

Now it's Casey's turn to look surprised.

"Lecture? Uh, sure! Lecture! Though I might not be able to go to all of them," he quickly amends, "but I got two just in case." And now he is giving me the same look as April.

We stay late, and then the guys decide to head home.

So do April and Casey.

But not before each one finds an excuse to talk to me privately- and thank me for exchanging the gifts- which I had managed to do that day by visiting them both- and with the help of Audrey, who knew exactly where to find the books at such short notice, and who called in a favor regarding the lecture tickets- she's a member of the museum, and knows one of the directors. I think his daughter is one of her dojo students.

Not that it matters.

I'm sitting up on the roof of Audrey's apartment, watching two tiny forms on the street that I know are April and Casey walk slowly home to her place.

Audrey joins me, and puts a welcome arm around my shoulder.

"You did a good thing, Kiddo," she says.

"Then why does it hurt?"

"Can't answer that one, Don," she replies, hugging me. "Sometimes I'm tempted to think that Life at best is bittersweet. This is one of those moments, I guess."

"The plan worked beautifully, even if it didn't work out like we planned," I comment, trying to be cheerful at least for April's sake.

But Audrey is not one to accept such self-sacrifice.

"Be bitter, be angry, be depressed, Don, but don't be phony," she says. "Don't say it unless you really in your heart mean it."

I think about it for several minutes.

"I really am glad it worked beautifully," I finally decide. "Yes, it's a little bittersweet, but I really am glad it worked beautifully."

And I mean it.

Audrey smiles.

"Well, kiddo- it's still Valentine's Day, and I've already given the guys theirs, so that just leaves you," and she hands me a gift. The tag reads "To Don From ".

"Why is there no signature?"

"Because I didn't know what to put," she says. "Do you want it to be from a friend, or a mom? I guess it could be from a sweetheart, but I don't think you would appreciate having to go into therapy over such a weird thought."

"You are twisted."

"Seriously, I've been told."

"Can it be from both a friend and a mom?"

"Whatever you want," she smiles, and we look at the receding figures of April and Casey.

"None of us got you anything," I say, still staring after April and Casey.

"You guys are my gift," she responds. "Since the moment I met Leo. You guys are the gift that keeps on giving."

"Suddenly I feel like I need a mom," I say, and we sit for a while, just me and my "mom", who hugs me and kisses me and tells me it will be okay.