TMNT are the property of Mirage, but once I learn how to hack the system...

"I was not having much luck."

Splinter did not even give his sons a chance the next time; he had barely acknowledged that meditation was over before he had launched into this stubborn lesson on the foolishness of believing that being "first" was so important.

"I was not having much luck. I could get you all to urinate into the toilet at regular times. If pressed, some of you would actually defecate as well. But the closet, unfortunately, seemed to remain the site of choice for all four of you when left to your own devices."

Lesson two: where NOT to "sit"

Splinter walked into the bedroom just in time to see his youngest standing in the closet.

"Michelangelo, what are you doing?"

"I was just sittin' in the c'oset."

Splinter knew better. How could one so "young" have learned to lie? He really needed to read that book again about toddlers. It had not made much sense when he had first fished it out of the dumpster, but now he would be able to "compare notes" as it were.

"Come, it is time to use the potty."

"I knowed. But I don't like the potty. I falled in!"

"You did not fall in," Splinter chided him as he rounded up the other three. "Raphael fell in."

("BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA-OUCH! Hey!")

Michelangelo joined the other three in the bathroom, waiting for this thing that Father kept making them do.

"My sons, you must be big boys," Splinter said to them reassuringly, as he placed Leonardo on the seat. "There is nothing to be afraid of. You will not go down with the water. You do not go down with the water in the bathtub. You cannot go down with the water in the toilet. There is nothing to be afraid of."

The poor turtle looked nervous. He spread his legs wide when Splinter had set him down, so he almost straddled the bowl, and he gripped the front of the seat with both hands, willing himself not to get a wet bottom and a scraped shell.

Ever since that terrible day, when Raphael had "fallen in", and nearly got flushed down the hole to the sewers, the foursome were very wary of using this thing.

He urinated quickly, and before Splinter could say anything, Leonardo jumped off of the toilet with an "All done!"

"My son, you must wipe."

("This is the most embarrassing thing I have ever had to endure." "Oh, my son! Do not exaggerate! I have not reached the end of this story yet, you know...")

"Oh, yeah," he smiled, and Splinter was just in time to stop him from unrolling the entire roll of paper. Then he insisted that each little turtle "flush the toilet."

"Are you sure you are all done?" Splinter questioned carefully. He was getting tired of finding surprises around the home, usually behind the bathroom door.

"Promise! I's a good boy!"

Splinter eyed his son skeptically, but Leonardo met his gaze earnestly. For the moment he was satisfied.

Donatello was no trouble. He had grasped the fact that you could not get flushed down the toilet. However, whether because he did not wish to be disturbed during play, or because his siblings were also reluctant, he had not started using the toilet on his own.

Raphael was very reluctant. That had been a scary experience, falling in- he had played around, trying to show off that he was a big boy, and, losing his balance, "fell" into the bowl, tail in the water, shell wedged at such an angle that he couldn't get out again. Before Splinter could get his hands on him to lift him out, Michelangelo had "accidentally" flushed the toilet.

Raphael could feel the water rise up; then the suction pull on his tail-

"Dude!" Mikey snorted, tears running down his face. "I get it! I get it now!"

"What are you talking about?" Don asked, as Raph glowered warning looks at Mikey, while Mikey kept laughing.

"You- you know that reoccurring nightmare that Raph has?" Mikey gasped. "The one where he is shouting in his sleep? And he tells us it's nothing?"

"Mikey!" Raph growled, getting ready to attack.

"What, the one where he's shouting something about the drain?" Leo asked, slightly puzzled- and then the light dawned. He looked at his brother, trying not to smile. "You still dream about getting stuck in the -"

"NO, I don't dream about gettin' stuck in nothin'!" Raph shouted angrily. "I dream about gettin' stuck with a lame ass brother!"

"Raphael! Respect the dojo!"

"Sorry, Sensei."

"Now, enough interruptions! Where was I?"

"You were telling about how Raph nearly went down the toilet," Mikey helpfully prompted the rat."

Raph gave him a look that promised his brother much pain later but kept his mouth shut for now.

Raphael, eyes closed, got his business over with quickly. He just wanted to get away from that thing as soon as possible.

"Do not forget to flush, my son."

Raphael quickly hit the handle, then moved away from the toilet before it could attack him and drag him down the drain.

"Now, Michelangelo. I believe it is time for you to do both. You have not-" (Yes, I knew how many times you defecated in the toilet, and no, I was not "keeping score"!)

"I's already sitted. I doesn't need to sit in the potty."

"Michelangelo, you do not 'sit' IN the potty, you sit ON the potty," Splinter corrected.

Michelangelo looked at Splinter with a frown.

"No, I lifts the lid."

Splinter shook his head.

"I understand that, my son. But you sit ON the potty, just like you sit ON the chair or ON the couch-"

Michelangelo looked shocked!

"NO!" he protested loudly. "I doesn't sit on the couch! I's a big boy!"

Now it was Splinter's turn to look puzzled. As Michelangelo stood there, protesting his innocence and affirming that "big boys doesn't sit on the couch", he wondered if perhaps it was his fault for teaching them both Japanese and English.

"... and big boys doesn't sit on chairs or in dere beds or the baftub! I's a big boy!"

Suddenly, Splinter understood what it was his youngest was talking about.

With eyes wide and ears up in shock, he stared hard at at his son. His earnest little face peered back up to him.

"Where did you hear that word?"

"Inna sewer, long time ago," Michelangelo smiled proudly. "You goed up the ladder, and you sayed 'stay inna hole! Father will be back'! So we stayed inna hole inna wall, and it was dark. And den a big, big, big noise came, and we hided deep inna hole!"

Splinter listened as Michelangelo, young as he was, told this tale with much animation. In the back of his mind he knew that he was going to have to watch out for this one when he was older.

"An' the others was scared, but I wasn't scared, an' an' an' I looked, and they was a big, big, big MAN, like inna pictures you sowed us!"

Splinter nearly blanched; that he had smelled the presence of humans in that tunnel that day was not the problem. Often the human scent was strong. But that his sons had nearly been exposed to possible capture!

He swallowed hard.

"And you- you saw this man?"

Michelangelo nodded vigorously.

"He was big! An' he had lots of fur, only not as much as you," he continued eagerly. "I's brave! I watch him so to warn the others. The man got inna channel, an' pulled down his pantses, and then! 'Nother man s'outed loud: 'Hey! Whatcha doin'?' An' the big furry man yelled 'I's SITTIN'!"

Splinter did not know which had been more impressive, the fact that Michelangelo had told this story, complete with voices, or the fact that he had latched onto that particular word and had immediately made the connection between it and the function.

Do not be concerned with terminology. Though it is best to train your child from little up about the proper language of the situation, sometimes parents cannot help but slip in their own usage. If the child picks up a word the parent deems "unacceptable", it is best to gently discourage the child from using that word while not drawing any untoward attention to it. To do so may cause the child to make a connection between the "power" of the word and the "reaction" of the parents. Remember, words are not bad- it is how people use them.

Whenever possible, ignore the use, while reinforcing the desired terminology in all of your dealings with the child. Soon he or she will drop the use of it through this type of positive reinforcement.

"Michelangelo, I do not like you to use the potty in the closet. I want you all to stop using the closet for a toilet. Do you understand me?"

"No sittin' inna closet!" Michelangelo nodded.

"And Michelangelo, that word is not a nice word," Splinter said carefully. When I say the word 'sit', I mean like when you sit down."

"Yes! I knowed! I sit onna couch, but I don't sit onna couch!"

Big sigh.

"Yes, and I would like you to not use that word again, please. We say 'defecate'. Repeat after me, everyone: 'defecate'."

"You didn't," Leonardo said, embarrassed beyond belief by this particular part of the story. "You 'taught' us to say... I can't go on..."

"Hmmm, yet you all seem to find it fairly easy to use the other word," Splinter pointed out coldly. "Rather too frequently in some instances." Here he looked pointedly at Raphael.

"Okay, I know I'm going to catch grief from the other three," Donatello said. "But seriously, Sensei, if the goal of this story is to point out to us that being first is not that important, I'm failing to see it. It's more like the point of this story is 'just how far can I go in embarrassing my sons', if you ask me. So please, just tell us who was the first one to use the toilet on his own."

Splinter looked in slight surprise at Donatello.

"My son, you have so much patience for your various projects and experiments; can you not spare me a little patience as well?"

"It's just that Leatherhead and Prof. Honeycutt will be here soon," Donatello said. "And Casey is coming over for dinner, right Raph?"

"Yeah, he is," Raphael affirmed. "Him and me are gonna cook tonight, remember Sensei?"

Splinter considered this information.

"So, what if we all agree to stop complaining so much when someone else is first to learn something-" Leo began.

"How about if someone else quits rubbin' it in the faces of the others instead," Raph just couldn't help saying.

"Yes, I see that you are still not ready," Splinter smiled, rising from the floor. "Have patience. I will finish this tale later. You are dismissed."

"Smooth move, guys, now we're stuck with hearing the rest of this," Donatello grumbled his way out of the dojo.

"I don't know," Mikey smiled. "I was kind of enjoying some of it. Poor widdle Waphie almost went down the dwain!"

"Hey, Mikey, eat 'sit' and die," Raph replied, heading into the kitchen to wait for Casey.

Leonardo sighed deeply. He so did not want to hear the rest of this story. As Splinter began revealing the struggles he had gone through with this embarrassing aspect of childhood, old memories were being resurrected; memories that were not pleasant to the leader.

He slowly made his way to his room, grateful for one small thing: at least Sensei didn't have any pictures.