To Have and To Hold

Written by Dawn J

Something Old...

The air was crisp and clear, and a light breeze had begun to blow, whipping his fur around gently as the birds sang in the trees. The sun shown down on the little patch of grass, embracing him with its warmth. He was home again.

He stared at the little house. So many memories there, locked inside. He searched his pockets for the key, but came up empty handed. Damn! If only he had come prepared. If only he had known...

He tried the doorhandle. Locked! Stepping up onto his toes, he gripped the window sill and peered inside. The room was dark, and even with a rat's sight, he could distinguish no objects in the blackness.

"Master Splinter?"

The rat opened his eyes to find his newest pupil standing before him. He blinked a couple of times to regain his bearings. This thing had been nagging at his thoughts almost constantly lately, disturbing his meditation. Something wasn't quite right. There was a disturbance there; nothing tangible, but something that reached deep into his soul and tugged at his subconscious.

She could see the uneasiness in his eyes. "Is everything all right?"

The rat stared at her for a moment before rising to light a candle. "Yes, Megan, everything is fine."

She smiled at him lightly, not sure whether she believed him fully, but Splinter was not one to lie. Still, she had a nagging feeling that something was bothering him.

"Well then...I'm ready for my lesson...if you are."

Megan had decided that it was time she learned to take care of herself. She knew that Raphael and the others couldn't always be there to protect her, and if ever confronted by the Foot again, she was determined they wouldn't hurt her like they had before.

Her lessons had been coming along nicely. Splinter said that her kicks and punches were becoming more and more impressive every day. She still wasn't quite confident enough in her abilities to spar with anyone, but she knew the day would come soon when Splinter would instruct her to do so.

The rat struck another match and rose the flame to his eyes, watching it intensely as it burned. Megan worried silently that he was going to allow it to singe his fingers, but he blew it out just in time.

"If it's a bad time, we can just skip it today, and I could come back tomorrow or something."

"No.", Splinter said, turning to her. A look of worry flashed across his face for a brief moment and then faded away into a smile. "I am finished for today. Come, let us begin."

The darkness surrounded them. They moved as one with the night, hidden by the shadows, moving swiftly, like the wind. A crescent moon stared down at them from the depths of the black sky, and tiny pinpoints of light dotted the horizon.

The city was reamarkably quiet; almost too silent. Casey glanced at Raphael, and shrugged his shoulders. Even Central Park had turned up nothing. Boredom set in. Raphael was used to more action than this.

Casey's thoughts turned to April. He wondered what she and Shadow were doing at the moment. The past few weeks had been the first time in a long while that he had come out here again on the streets with Raphael. At first he had been reluctant. He had a family to take care of now, and that also meant taking care of himself. But, with all of the current stressful events, he found that this kind of activity helped him ease his mind. Now if only there was some action!

Leo sprawled out on the couch, surfing lazily through the television channels. Things sure were a lot quieter around here since Michaelangelo had returned to his apartment and Raphael had moved in with Megan. It was almost kind of...boring. And although Leo didn't really want to admit it to himself, he really did miss Mike and Raph's antics, practical jokes, attitude and all. Mike still came by regularly to visit with them and practice katas and things, but they had been seeing less and less of Raph these days. Leo would have blamed it on the fact that Megan was now in the picture, but in actuality, they had been seeing quite a bit of her lately.

Raph had been going out with Casey almost nightly again, searching the streets for punks and thieves to "teach a lesson to". Leo thought it was childish really, but if it kept the two of them occupied, he figured he could force himself to stay out of it. During the evenings while they were on their "scavenger hunt", Megan came down to the lair to take lessons with Splinter. He hadn't gotten to watch their practices very much, but from the couple of times he had peeked his head in, he could tell she was getting better and better all the time.

Then of course, there was the daytime. Raph stopped by occasionally now, mostly just to check in, or come to practice when he or Splinter requested it. This was the same old Raph he remembered, mumbling about the exercises and complaining that they didn't need to do this junk anymore. But something was different. Leo wasn't sure if the others could see it, but there was a certain underlying happiness that hadn't been there before. That wasn't to say that he had ditched that temper of his. In fact, he could be just as moody as ever. There was just a certain something...that twinkle in his eyes maybe? The way he carried himself? The slight grin that crept up on his lips every now and then for no apparent reason? He had never pointed these things out to Raph or any of the others, as he didn't want to risk the chance of an argument ensuing over it. He'd decided it was best to keep it to himself. It was just nice to see his brother in a slightly different light for a change.

He was glad that Megan had come back. He knew that this was what his brother had needed. Still, the worry continued to nag at him. He knew how compulsive and spontaneous Raph could be. What if he wasn't careful? What if they decided to do more than they should about how they felt for one another? It was something he tried not to think about most of the time. Afterall, picturing his brother in that way wasn't exactly appealing, but once in a while, as he meditated or laid in bed at night, his thoughts would turn to Raphael, and he would wonder what was going on above.

Megan threw a left front punch, and a right kick, then stepped up into a left block, moving rhythmically to form the steps of the kata. Splinter stood aside, watching her in silent approval. Her form was improving every day. The accuracy of each move grew and developed as the days passed. Soon it would be time to move on to greater things.

Time to move on... He thought about his vision again. Everything had been so real; the heat of the sun, the smell of the air, even the house he had grown up in had been complete in every detail. It almost felt as though he had really been standing there in that patch of green grass, out in the open field. He hadn't had to hide himself there. And for a brief moment, he had been home again. So why hadn't it felt right? He closed his eyes. Why, after all this time, couldn't he let go?

"Splinter?", someone laid a hand on his shoulder, jogging him from his thoughts. "Splinter, are you okay?" Megan stared down at the rat, a look of concern in her eyes.

Splinter forced a faint smile. "Y...yes. I will be fine."

Megan had gotten to know Splinter pretty well these past few months, and she knew by the look in his eyes that something was troubling him. He's done this twice already today. She didn't want to pry, but figured it wouldn't hurt to offer her ear. "If something's bothering you...and you need to talk..."

Splinter stood motionless for a moment, deciding on a response. No one had really ever given him the opportunity to discuss his feelings before. He had always been too worried about his sons' dreams and desires to consider his own. It was refreshing to be thought about this way, but he realized that he couldn't explain his emotions right now. He wasn't even sure of them himself.

"Thank you for offering, Megan. You are most kind, but I am fine.", Splinter smiled again, a little more convincingly this time.

"Okay.", the girl returned the gesture and grabbed up her bag. "I'm gonna go change then and head home."

As he watched her leave, an overwhelming sense of dread washed over him, something that pierced deep into his soul. For the first time since Hamato Yoshi had died, he felt utterly and completely alone. What is wrong with me?

His eyes searched the darkness. He crouched on the rooftop, his breathing heavy, but controlled as he waited. There was no sign of life down there in the street. He glanced back up at Casey, raising his hand slightly in a farewell gesture before descending. The coast was clear.

He dropped down into the quiet of the street, the hat and trench coat his only disguise as he ran down the block toward home. Megan would be waiting there for him, as always. His mind focused on dinner. He wondered what she had made tonight; pot roast, steak, tacos? Hmmm some 'za would be nice. Haven't had that in a while.

Couple life had been a turn for the better for him. He did wonder when he first agreed to this arrangement if he would be able to handle living with someone, having to answer for his actions and make sure her needs were met. Raph was worried maybe he would decide that all of this responsibility wasn't for him. He didn't want to hurt Megan. But, things had turned out okay. He found he loved living above like this with her. In the early mornings when Megan got up for work, Raph would sometimes peek out the window at the rising sun, noting the beauty of the morning. He had almost never had that opportunity, sitting underground in the dark, damp sewers. Even better, he could lay in bed as long as he wanted, without Splinter or Leo nagging at him to get up and do chores. He also had the whole day to himself, until Megan got home from work. That was, of course, unless Splinter or Leo called him for practice.

Raph was awed at how Megan took care of him. She cooked dinner every night, massaged his sore muscles after a hard workout, and she made him laugh. Best of all, she wasn't judgmental. She didn't scold him all the time like Leo used to, and he didn't have to explain his every action to her. She understood him; something that where Raph was concerned, was very hard to do.

In return, Raph was learning to control some of his anger. He knew that he never wanted to lash out at her as he admittedly had done a few times in the past to his brothers. He also took the time to show interest in her hobbies. He loved the passion and detail she used in her drawings. His own portrait, the one she had drawn with such precision and grace just a few months ago now hung above the fireplace. He even forced himself to help around the house, realizing that he had to do something to earn his keep around there, since obviously he couldn't go out and get a job.

He knew that it was his place to take care of her, to make sure her needs were met. Afterall, she always did so much for him. It was still confusing for him, however. He had never had to consider anyone else before, and she was so important to him. He was discovering there was quite a difference between his "every turtle for himself" outlook and respectable human mannerisms. He didn't want to offend her or neglect his responsibilities. What if he did the wrong things? What if she decided some day that he wasn't what she needed? That he wasn't good enough to her? That she...wanted a human, who would probably understand her better or be able to provide her with things he couldn't? He had been keeping a pretty good handle on his insecurities, but every once in a while, they would creep up on him unexpectedly. Deep down, he knew it was stupid to worry about those things. Afterall, she loved him.

Don locked the door of his room and sat down. He was finally alone. He was away from the others, and their horrific stares. He could never let them see him this way...struggling, forcing himself to try over and over again, torturing himself as he gasped from the pain. His body was being stubborn, but he was driven by a relentless determination. He wouldn't give up, even if it brought him anguish. I will do this!

He layed his hand on the table and unwrapped the bandages to stare at the flesh beneath. His hand had healed up months ago, but he couldn't bare the sight of it. He could tell it sickened the others to look upon the grotesque scars, and it made him self conscous, so he kept it under wraps, despite Splinter's advice against it. It's no use to me anyway, he thought bitterly.

The slice had healed nicely, reflecting Mike and Megan's handywork. What if Leo hadn't been able to carry him to safety...or if the two hadn't sewn him up as quickly and stopped the bleeding? Don knew he probably would have perished without their help. He had lost a lot of blood, and his veins, tendons, and other vital parts had been exposed for so long. He could see nothing of that now, only a large, ugly scar that traveled from his wrist to his index

finger. He gulped down the lump of fear that gathered in his throat. I almost lost my thumb! Mike had offered to help him with the physical therapy, but he'd refused. He appreciated the care the others offered, but this was something he was going to do on his own. He had to prove to himself that he could. The thought of being looked upon as handi-capped was something he couldn't bare. He lifted his hand, studying the rough line where the skin had been sutured back together. He ran his finger over the bumpy folds, gasping in awe at the slight tingle that coursed through his flesh. Maybe he was finally starting to make progress.

"Megan, I..." Wow! He stared at her for a moment, his eyes wide in surprise, his jaw gaped open in wonder.

Megan smiled. "So, you like it?" She twirled around a little, showing off her new dress. Raph merely nodded, unable to speak for a moment.

It was short, about mid thigh length. There were no sleeves, only straps that slid over her shoulders, and the neckline, although modest, scooped down slightly, causing his mind to wander with thoughts about what was underneath.

She smiled again and took his hand. "Come on, dinner's ready." She pulled him to the table and lifted the lid on a big glass dish. Tomato flavored steam rose into the air, causing Raph's stomach to grumble in anticipation.

"Mmmm, Lazangna!"

Megan scooped some of the noodles onto his plate. "Yeah, I figured it was something we haven't had yet."

It wasn't the pizza he had been craving, but he decided it was just as good. Megan was a wonderful cook, and she had this way of always satisfying his needs. He wasn't used to all this attention. Of course, he had never had a mother before, and even April, with all of her help and guidance hadn't fulfilled his needs like she could.

He took a mouthful of the lazagna and glanced up at Megan. Her gaze was fixed on him. She smiled lightly as she watched him chew his food. Swallowing, he narrowed his eyes and set the fork down. "What 'chew starin' at?", he asked playfully. She said nothing, but her smile grew wider. "What?", he pried with increasing curiosity. He scooped another bite into his mouth. How can I get her to quit staring at me? I know... He smiled big at her, letting the sauce and cheese squeeze out between his teeth.

"Ewww, Raph! That's disgusting!", she laughed. He got up, approaching her quickly with the sauce and noodles hanging from his mouth. She screamed and jumped up from her chair, snatching a dish towel and holding it at bay like a matador to a bull. "Back!"

Raph charged. Megan turned and ran as fast as she could into the living room. He chased after her, sucking the food back into his mouth, and swallowing it before grabbing hold of her arm. She screamed again, and began to laugh as she struggled to free herself from his grasp.

"What are you starin' at, huh?", Raph began to tickle her. She wiggled free and flopped down on the couch. He pounced on top, straddling her as he grabbed her stomach and began to tickle her again. She squealed and tried to roll away, but it was no use, he had her pinned down.

"Raph...Raph no!", she laughed.

"Tell me what you were staring at.", he demanded. "What, do I have food on my face or something?"

She laughed some more and then stared up at him. "No.", she smiled. She brought her hand up to caress his cheek. "I don't see any."

He stared down at her, a tingle coursing through him at her touch. He brought his face close to hers, lowering his voice. "Then what?"

"This.", she pulled him closer and kissed him on the beak.

He winced in pain as he applied pressure to his wounded hand, forcing the fingers to ball into a fist. He held them there for a moment, before letting his hand go again. Just a couple of months ago, he hadn't even been able to do that, let alone experience the pain that came with it. In his mind, he knew that things were improving.

Next, he rose his hand, and with the other one, began to squeeze on each of the fingers in turn, noting what little sensations they produced. His last finger was, of course, the most responsive, his thumb the least. Several nerve endings had been damaged in the battle, and Mike had done what he could to stitch them up. Still, Don wondered if it would ever be the same again. Gotta keep trying! He scribbled the results down in his notebook and prepared for the next test.

He wrapped his arms around her, tangling his fingers in her long hair. The warmth from her mouth coursed through him, filling him with a new energy. He slid his tongue around hers, shuddering slightly at the sensations it produced. Closing his eyes, his mind began to clear of all thoughts. The soft sounds of the traffic outside disappeared. The couch and television became non-existant. There was just him and Megan, nothing else.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, grasping him tightly. His body was warm and strong, filling her with a sense of security. She thought briefly about the first time they had kissed, several months ago in front of the burning mountainside structure. She had known then that they were meant to be.

Raph's heart pounded in his chest as he continued to kiss her, moving his mouth down toward her neck. She let out a soft moan, letting him know that it was okay. He laid his hand next to the strap on her shoulder, and began to pull it down slowly. He slid his hand under the material to caress the soft skin underneath.

"Raphael, remember that you are a turtle, that we are animal. She is a human..." Splinter's words suddenly forced their way into his subconscious, jarring him back to reality. He let go of her shoulder and pulled away.

"Raph, I know it's none of my business, but...be careful, huh?" Leo's voice rang in his ears.

Megan sat up quickly. "Raph? What's wrong?"

He stared at her with pleading eyes for a moment. "I...I can't..."

She laid a hand on his shoulder. "I know, Raph.", she said quietly.

The turtle rose to his feet and snatched up his hat and jacket. "Where are you going", she asked concerned.

"Just out...to think." He wrapped the coat around himself and headed out the door.

Megan sighed and sat back on the couch, repositioning the straps of her dress. It had been this way for three months now, ever since Raphael had moved in. She knew that he cared about her desperately, and she, of course felt the same for him. Her guilt had begun to grow as time went on, however. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have him live with her. She knew they both had wants and needs that were being left unfulfilled. Worse yet, she knew how the others felt about all of this. She was starting to think that maybe they were right. Something wouldn't allow them to get closer. Each time they tried, an unseen force jarred them apart.

Was it Splinter? Raph had told her about the rat's little lecture he had received at the farm house before they returned to New York. He explained to her that Splinter wanted them to be happy, but that he had warned Raph not to get carried away with his emotions. He was, afterall, a turtle, like it or not, and some species weren't intended to mix. His sensei had also lectured him on taking care of her, on the responsibilities of being in a relationship. She was glad that Splinter cared, but she secretly wished he wouldn't intrude in their affairs so much.

Maybe it was Casey. He had already lectured her several times about why moving in with Raph could be a bad idea. It turned out he had been wrong about most of them. Sure, Raph had a tempermental side, and he was used to having his way, but there was a gentle, forgiving side to him that Casey would never know.

Then, of course, Leo hadn't helped either. For some reason, he seemed the most concerned about their relationship, even more than Splinter! Why does everyone have to worry so much? This is our life, not theirs! She laid her head back against the wall and closed her eyes.

She wanted more than anything to have a normal relationship with Raphael, and she knew he wanted the same. But in reality, the thought seemed to scare them both. They didn't even sleep in the same room together. And each time they tried to be physical with one another, their consciences got the better of the situation. Maybe it was wrong to love eachother, but then, why did it feel so right?

He glanced at the wall clock. Midnight. The sewers were dark and quiet. Don and Leo had gone to bed, and he was alone with his thoughts.

He lit the candles one by one, staring at each individual flame as it burned, before moving on to the next. An eery silence hung in the air, and he felt like it would swallow him whole. Still, he proceeded.

It was time to find out the answers.

He sat down on the old mat, lotus style, breathing deeply as he closed his eyes and began to push his mind outward. He was searching for something; what, he wasn't quite sure. He only knew that there was a disturbance somewhere, deep in the depths of his own subconscious; something frightening.

He could feel his mind slowly slip away from his body, rushing toward the security of the astral plane.

A feeling was backoning, drawing him ever nearer. He saw a house; his house. This was the same as the one he had seen in his earlier vision, except something was different. He couldn't place it at first, but as he walked slowly toward it, he realized that the windows weren't quite as dim as they had been before.

He stood on his toes once again, peering inside. The room was still dark, but he could make out the faint sillhouette of an object laying on the floor. What the item was, he wasn't quite sure, but something about it filled him with dread. He narrowed his eyes, straining them as he peered into the blackness, and a sudden rush of fear flooded through him. Something about this place wasn't right. Something reminded him of...death.