What's my will?

The sun had just begun to rise over the distant hills, casting morning's first rays of yellow light over the land. A lone figure sat, hunched below a tall Oak, his elbows resting on his knees, his head down, thinking about the old times, about long ago when all was innocence and learning and wonder.

How far away those times seemed now, burried in the past, along with their youth. And now, he would bury what seemed like their whole lives up to this point, as well.

Time to leave the past behind us...

He rose slowly, and stood there for a moment, not wanting to interrupt the delicacy of the moment, not quite ready yet to leave it all behind. What would they do now? Where would they go? There were so many unanswered questions, so much he couldn't understand.

A gentle breeze began to blow, just catching the ends of his bandana tails, floating them softly in the cool morning air. He took in a breath and let it out slowly. After all that had transpired yesterday, he was left with a feeling of...numbness. There was still the pain in his heart. That would probably never truly go away, but his agony was now replaced with a certain understanding. There was also an emptiness, which left him feeling blank inside, almost as if his emotions were trapped in a steel cage somewhere, unable to escape.

Sighing, he took a step closer, and lowered his gaze to the ground. This was it. After this, there would be nothing else. Nothing left but the distant memories of the joy, the wise words, the gentle face.

He willed himself forward and stared down at the lid of the closed coffin. It was hard to imagine their lives without him. There was so much he still wanted to say, so much he wanted to thank him for, but he realized that Splinter probably already knew.

Something nagged at the back of his mind, coaxing him to open the lid one last time, to get that final glimpse of his master's face, to embed it in his memory so he'd never forget, but something also held him back. Was this the way he really wanted to remember him, motionless and silent in death? Or would he rather remember the good times, the times when they were children just learning about the wonders above, or the treats he would scavange for them, or the wonderful stories he used to tell.

But that's gone now, he reminded himself. This is reality. You have to deal with it. Finally, deciding that this was something he needed to do, he laid his hands on the lid, and very carefully, as not to disrespect the body of his sensei, opened the lid and peered inside.

Megan glanced at the clock. Five-thirty. She had been up for a half hour already, and even though she was tired, her mind wouldn't allow her to go back to sleep. Sighing, she turned her head to peer out the window at the distant light that was gradually creeping up over the land. How beautiful the sunrise looked. It made her think about Splinter again, about the other night when she had realized he hadn't gotten to see this again before he died.

Trying to push away the depression, she carefully lifted Raph's arm from around her waist and laid it gently next to him on the bed. Then, grabbing up a robe, she tiptoed downstairs for a cup of coffee.

He didn't cry, he didn't flinch, he just...stood there. The tears were dry now. And even though the numbing pain inside still lingered, he could look at his face without regret. Splinter was in a better place now, he was with Yoshi, and he hoped that he was happy.

As he began to lower the lid, he spotted a peice of paper wedged in the corner of the casket. Mikey's gift to Splinter... He knew that he should probably leave it alone. It was a private thing between Mike and his master, but curiousity got the best of him, and he snatched up the paper, unfolding it carefully.

He was amazed at the sight he beheld, and his eyes almost welled up with tears once again. A beautifully drawn picture of him and his brothers stared back at him, intriquite in every detail - the way each of them stood, their facial expressions, it was incredible. And in the midst of them, right in the center, was Splinter.

Leo wondered when Michaelangelo had gotten to be such a good artist. He knew he could draw, but this was the best work he had ever seen. He realized that his brother must have stayed up all night to perfect something as delicate and detailed as this. A smile crossed his lips as he laid the picture carefully back in the coffin, face down over his master's chest. "You will not be forgotten." he said softly, and closed the lid.

"Hey Megan, what gets you up so early?" Mike raised his head from his work at the griddle to greet her.

"I just couldn't sleep." she said softly.

Mike lowered his head. "Yeah, I know the feeling."

Megan hated to see Mike in pain like this. She knew the torture of death all too well, and she realized how sensitive he was, even more so than she. She walked over to him and laid her arm around his shoulders. "Just give it some time."

Mike nodded. "I know. I just...I can't keep from thinking about it. About how he--"

"Shhh..." Megan hugged him close to her. "It'll be okay."

Michaelangelo welcomed the hug. He felt so alone since Splinter died. Atleast Raph had Megan, and Donnie had Robyn to talk to, but he didn't have anyone, not really. April and Casey had their own problems to worry about, and besides, they had already left this morning to pick Christian up from the hospital. Leonardo had been impossible to talk to these past couple of days, and what made it even worse was Mike's anger toward him. How could Leo not tell us? He knew it had been hard for his brother to keep such a secret, and he realized that if that had been Splinter's wish, Leo had been honorable to their master. But still, a small part of him couldn't accept the fact that he had been left out, that he hadn't even known what was going on.

Megan could sense Mike's grief, and she wished desperately that there was some way she could help him feel better. Mike had become almost like a brother to her these past few months, something which, after being an only child all her life, she cherished. Attempting to lighten the mood a little, she turned her attention toward the stove.

"So, whatcha making, anyway?"

"Huh?" Mike was suddenly snapped from his thoughts. "Oh. I'm making pancakes for breakfast." He turned back to the grill and flipped them quickly, noticing they were a little browner than he would have liked.

"Can I help?"

"Uhh...yeah, sure." A smile came to Mike's lips at the offer. "There's some bacon in the freezer."

"Hey Don...you awake?" The voice was hushed and whispered, but he heard it clearly. He had been lying here awake for an hour already, trying to will his body out of bed. Her voice was a welcomed comfort.

He turned over to face her, and stared up into her face. Robyn gazed at him curiously, at the depth behind the big brown eyes. How alive they looked without the mask. He grinned up at her, noticing the little frown that crinkled her forehead.

"You're up early."

"Me?" she smiled. "Well, yeah, I guess I am. But what about you?" She could tell that he had been awake for some time. His eyes weren't heavy with sleep, and his expression was alert.

"I've just been laying here...thinking." He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them, he realized that Robyn had knelt down next to the bed, very close to him.

She forced a smile. "So, ya ready to get up?"

"Uhhh...sure." He studied the denim shorts and tank top she was wearing, revealing more of her flesh than he had seen before. "Where are we going?"

She smiled at him playfully. "Just for a walk. I thought it would do us some good."

Don returned the smile and sat up, trying to keep his eyes on her face. "Sure, okay, just be careful of wild beasts. They're everywhere out here ya know."

Robyn smirked at him. "Uh huh...and I know of one in particular."

Donatello blushed as he grabbed his bandana and followed her out the door.

"I just...I can't understand why he did that." Mike set the plate of pancakes down on the table. "I mean, I know he said that he didn't want us to worry, but--"

"Mike..." Megan said softly. "He cared about you guys...about all of us. I think he just wanted to see us happy before he died, not sad and worried. Remember what his journal said? That he wanted his memory to live on in us? I think that's why he didn't tell us. He wanted us to remember him as he always had been, not as a sick, elderly rat. He wanted us to remember the good times, not mourn over the bad ones. Besides..." she smiled at him. "A few years from now, when Shadow gets a little older, she may not remember much about what he was like, and someone's gonna need to be able to tell her."

This made Mike's face light up a little. "Yeah, and Christian too. I gotta tell him all about his grandpa Splinter!"

Megan's smile grew as she brought the bacon to the table and sat down. "I think he'll like Splinter."

"You think so?"

"Oh yeah." Megan tossed a pancake on her plate and reached for the syrup. "He'll always be a part of us, you know."

Michaelangelo nodded. "Yeah, I know."

Leo looked up to see the green figure slowly approaching, his head down, his pace steady but cautious. He watched him approach silently, until finally the head rose, looking him in the eye.

"Raphael."

The turtle stopped about ten feet from the coffin, staying just outside his brother's reach. Not saying a word, Raphael stared at the lid of the casket, noticing how the light from the morning sun made it sparkle and shine.

Leonardo searched desperately for something to tell him, but what could he say? Raphael was already angry enough at him as it was. In fact, he was sure his brother would probably never forgive him for keeping his secret. Even after their get-together last night, after he'd read Splinter's journal entries and explained everything in great detail, even after all the pain of having to relive those moments, he could tell that Raphael still didn't fully understand. Maybe he just didn't want to. Either way, Leo felt vulnerable as he looked into those deep eyes, and he could see the hurt behind them, and a sort of quiet calm that replaced the previous rage and anger.

Raphael was the first to speak. "Nice morning."

A little stunned at his brother's calm, collected attitude, Leonardo nodded. "Yeah."

"Too bad he can't see this, y' know?" Raph lifted his eyes to stare at the bright blue, cloudless sky. He took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the fresh morning air. This was the way is was supposed to be, out here in the open, without a care. He despised the fact that they had to be raised in the sewers just because they were different. And Megan had been right. Poor Splinter hadn't even gotten one last chance to see the beauty of the world around him.

Leo watched Raph curiously, trying to figure out what could possibly be going on in his mind right now. His brother had always been so hard to figure out. He could be on the brink of insanity one minute, and totally calm and collected the next. His unpredictability frightened Leo. It was something he couldn't understand, a concept he just couldn't quite grasp, and it irritated him that he couldn't possibly ever hope to really understand what was going through Raphael's head.

Suddenly, Raph snapped back to reality and turned to Leo. They just stood there, staring at eachother for a long moment, each of them trying to figure out the other's thoughts. Finally, Raph spoke, and his voice was gentle. Leo breathed easier as he realized that there was no trace of malice in his words.

"So...you're gonna do it now, huh?"

Leo gulped and nodded. "Yeah, I guess it's about time."

Raph crossed his arms over his chest and stared off into the distance, his thoughts filling with good times from the past, things that they'd never be able to share again. A smile started to creep up on his lips as he thought about the time he'd scared Leo with his own shadow. They'd been only kids then, but from that day on, Leo had been determined never to let Raph catch him off guard again.

Leo laid his hands on the lid of the coffin and closed his eyes. This was it. Time to bury the past behind them. But still, a part of him didn't want to let go. It just hurt too much.

"Leo?" He opened his eyes to find Raph standing next to him, a look of sorrow on his face. "Look, I don't know how to say this..."

Leo stared at him expectantly, hoping he wasn't going to lash out again, but then, seeing the sincereness in his face, decided that maybe this time, there would be no harsh words exchanged, no bloody lips.

"I...I'm sorry man."

Leo could feel his eyes widen at the apology. He didn't mean to look so shocked, it was just that Raphael had never really apologized to him before in his life.

"I just...I just couldn't handle the fact that he was dead. That you were the one he chose to get close with before he died. I just...I was jealous, Leo. But I mean, why wouldn't he choose you? You were his best pupil out of the four of us. You deserved it, Leo, I just--"

"Hey" Leo laid a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Don't sweat it. There's nothing to be sorry for. It wasn't fair and I know that. I would have felt the same way if the roles would have been reversed."

Raph squinted his eyes, forcing the tears to remain there as he looked out over the land. "So, what do we do now?"

"Wow, so you're really gonna go all the way to Japan, just to bury him?"

Don nodded and sat down on a large rock across from Robyn. Off to the right, he could hear the distant gurgle of the stream, a sound that he found strangely comforting. "Yeah. Well, the last one of us alive anyway." That thought sounded ominous to him. He had never really thought much about the others dying. In fact, he hadn't really thought much about his brothers at all lately, being so cooped up with his own problems. But with Splinter's death, he was really beginning to see just how much he needed them. "We all agreed that to do it now would be way too hard. I mean, it would be hard enough for us to catch a plane or a ship to another country, let alone trying to haul a coffin with us. And we all know that we don't want to split up right now. So, hopefully in the future, at the rate technology's moving, by the time we're ready to take him there, it'll be a lot less conspicuous and a lot more time efficient."

"Sounds like you guys are determined to satisfy your sensei's wishes."

"Yeah, well...he belongs there, ya know? He grew up in Chihaya, and he was really happy there." Don lowered his eyes, and Robyn could tell what he was getting at.

"Don, I'm sure Splinter was happy here with you guys too. I mean, he cared about you. He was your father."

"Yeah, I know." Don forced a smile and let his gaze fall to his hands. The hands that had done so much in his lifetime, yet were unable to save his dying master.

"Look at me." Robyn lifted his chin with her finger. "Splinter was a very important part of your lives, and from all I've seen, you were a very important part of his."

Don looked up at her. "You know, I really appreciate how you've stuck by me all this time, even when I was a jerk. You're a really good friend."

Robyn smiled at him. She had really grown fond of this turtle-man in the last few months, and although he was different from her, she saw past that to his inner beauty, all the things that made him unique and special. At first she had felt funny talking to him about her divorce and all of her other problems, being that she was older than him, but as she got to know him and realized how intelligent and experienced in life he was, it didn't matter to her anymore. Besides, she recently discovered that a special bond was growing between the two of them. Secretly, she hoped it would turn into something more. Why, she couldn't explain. There was just something about him. Something that made him different from all those other guys, all the creeps she had dated, and especially her ex-husband.

Megan finished rinsing the dishes and set them in the rack to dry. She had thought more of them would show up for something to eat, but she wasn't really surprised they hadn't. She figured that everyone needed their space for a while, to sort things out on their own, which was one reason she hadn't followed Raph to the gravesite.

She wiped her hands on the towel and went to join Michaelangelo in the living room. Mike was sitting lotus style on the floor, ignoring the cartoon that blared from the television, staring straight ahead at some spot on the wall.

Megan wasn't sure what he was up to. Was he thinking, meditating? Whatever it was, she didn't want to disturb him by asking, so instead, she tiptoed quietly to the chair and sat down.

Mike closed his eyes, breathing slowly, sucking in a deep breath and letting it out, using the concentration techniques Splinter had taught him. He hadn't even noticed Megan come in. He was too entranced with his task. Taking in another breath, he pushed his mind outward, searching, reaching for the thing that would make him feel whole again. Splinter...

Donatello tossed a rock and watched as it skipped across the water's surface before fading into the blue depths. He felt a little uneasy, like the time he'd performed his first kata for Splinter, under the watchful eyes of his brothers. But this was different. This was a feeling he hadn't experienced before.

It was a good feeling, but frightening all the same. He had never really thought very much about women or relationsips. He'd figured that would never really be an option for him. Instead, he had relied on his work to fill in the emptiness. But now...This was all new to him, and the feelings that were fluttering around inside him seemed unnatural. He'd never felt this way about his brothers, or even Splinter for that matter, and although at one point in his life, he'd had a tiny crush on April, it had been nothing like this.

He could feel her eyes on him now, peircing into his right shoulder. He was afraid of what might happen if he looked at her, but at the same time, he was afraid of what might happen if he didn't. Gathering up his nerve, he turned to face her, staring into those bright green eyes. As she smiled at him, they sparkled in the sun.

"You okay?" she asked gently.

Don nodded. "I think so."

She could tell there was a certain uneasiness about him, and she thought back to the other night, when, in a rush of passion, she had attacked him on the couch. Suddenly, she felt sorry she'd done that. Donatello had been acting a little odd ever since.

"Don, about the other night, I..."

He stared at her, uncertain about what to say, a little uneasy with the circumstances.

"I didn't mean to make you...I mean, I'm sorry. I hope this won't get in the way of our friendship. I would hate to lose that."

Don gulped and laid a hand on hers. He wasn't sure at all how to court a lady, or even whether Robyn was truly interested in being pursued. "It's okay." he said shyly. "It was an emotional moment."

"Yeah." Robyn nodded and lowered her gaze. "I just--"

"It's okay." Don said quickly. "You don't have to explain. We were both feeling vulnerable, and, well...it just happened. I know you didn't mean anything by it. It was just an accident."

"Is that what you think?" Robyn stared at him in surprise. "Cuz that's not...I mean, I really wanted--"

Don cut her off before she could continue. "You did?"

Robyn blushed and lowered her eyes. "Yeah, Don, I really did."

Don smirked at her and took her hand, carefully wrapping the fingers of his healing left hand around hers. She looked up into his eyes again, noticing for the first time a hint of mischeif behind them. "Good." he smiled shyly. "Cuz...so did I."

Leo set down the shovel and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Digging a grave was hard work. Raph stuck the end of his shovel in the dirt, leaving it embedded there as he strolled slowly toward the casket.

"Grab the other side." Leo motioned for Raph to take the handle and help him lift the coffin. Something inside of Raph told him not to, told him that if he did, this would be the end, the final farewell. Gulping, he pushed those feelings aside and hooked his fingers around the metal, gripping it tightly.

"Shouldn't the others be here?"

Leo paused and stared into his brother's face. He could see the sorrow welling up again, the concern for his family, and, despite the circumstances, it filled him with a contented feeling. Raphael was finally starting to learn to care about other people's feelings above his own. Megan must have done a good job teaching him that.

"Yeah...they should." he answered quietly. "But they're not ready. Mikey...well, you know his state of mind right now. It would just be too much for him. And Don decided this wasn't something he wanted to participate in."

Raph nodded. He understood. He knew that it would take them all quite a while to be ready to face this thing head on.

Leo lifted his end of the coffin, and Raphael followed his lead. It was actually a lot heavier than he'd imagined it would be. They walked slowly, neither of them in any big hury to bury the only parent they had ever known. As they neared the grave, Leonardo paused to gaze down into its depths.

"Think he'll be safe in there?" Raphael asked.

Leo looked up at him and said nothing.

They worked in silence as they lowered his body into the ground. This is it. It's finished, Leo thought. Raph pulled his shovel from the dirt and began to pile the earth over the top of the casket, realizing that this was the last he'd ever see of Splinter. He wanted to get this over quickly. He focused his mind on everything his life had meant up to this point, on everything that would be different now. As he scooped up another shovel full, he took a deep breath and pushed it out, trying to slowly release the tension as Splinter had taught him so long ago. Every muscle in his body felt tense, and he clenched his jaw to keep from crying out. He hated this. It was like a nightmare to him that he couldn't escape.

Leo stood motionless for a moment, watching. He could see the anger building up in Raphael again, his struggle to contain it. But this time he knew it wasn't him who Raph was angry at. It was the world, the horrible truth of the moment. Picking up his shovel, he began to do the same. With each scoop, it seemed as though Splinter was moving farther and farther away from them, almost as if he had never really existed, had only been a figment of their imaginations. Yet, he knew he was real, and he always would be in their hearts.

Raphael packed the last bit of sand over the grave and stood back, leaning on the handle of his shovel, just staring at the flat surface of dirt where the hole had once been. Leo threw down his shovel and came to stand next to him, allowing his eyes to fall on the freshly dug earth as well. All was silent except for the light chirp of the birds in the trees. As they stood there together, saying their final goodbyes, something passed between them, an unspoken understanding, and for once since Splinter had died, Leo felt a twinge of peace.

The cool night air rustled through the trees and he gathered the blanket tighter around himself. He scooped up Klunk and set him on his lap, scrathing him behind the ears. Klunk purred and rubbed his head against Mike's arm. Good old Klunk, he thought. At least I can always count on you. He stared up into the black sky, studying the constellations, the brightness of the stars. It was up there somewhere, the star named Splinter. He would get the certificate in the mail in a few weeks, along with a little map to help him locate it. Sighing, he gazed at the little pinpoints of light, wondering which one it would be. Even though it had been the remainder of what little money he'd had, it was the best fifty bucks he'd ever spent. Somewhere up there, Splinter was shining down on him.

In our lives we hunger for those we cannot touch.

All the thoughts unuttered & all the feelings unexpressed

Play upon our hearts like the mist upon our breath.

But, awoken by grief, our spirits speak

"How could you believe that the life within the seed

that grew arms that reached

And a heart that beat.

And lips that smiled

And eyes that cried.

Could ever die?"

Here come the blue skies Here comes springtime.

When the rivers run high & the tears run dry.

When everything that dies.

Shall rise.