To Have and To Hold - Chapter 11

I Do...

"You know, he's almost nine now?"

Donatello looked up from his computer and stared at her thoughtfully. "Really?"

Robyn bit her lip and nodded. "Yeah."

"Wow, I didn't realize..."

"And you know the crappiest thing about it? Colin won't even let me see him! He says I made my decision and now I have to live with it."

Don could see her face brighten with a hint of red, her eyes welling up, the wetness spilling over her cheeks. He jumped up from his chair and sat down next to her on the bed, laying his arm around her shoulder. "Hey...hey, don't cry. It'll be okay. We'll think of something."

Robyn felt ashamed. How could she have given up her only child, and to that bastard of an ex-husband? God, how she missed Trevor. He was the only thing that held her together through that nasty divorce, and then, when the going got tough, she'd decided to give him up, because she simply could not afford to take care of him the way he deserved. Colin was such a corporate big shot, he had enough money to feed and clothe ten kids and then some.

Robyn lowered her head into her hands and sat there for a moment, crying softly. All she could think about was how happy her sister was now with her new baby, and how miserable she felt. How could she have given up the only thing that had really mattered to her?

Don wasn't quite sure what to say or do. He tried to think about what Splinter would have said in a situation such as this, but after a few moments of hard thinking, he realized that there was no way he could ever hope to know what his master would have done. The two of them looked at the world through very different eyes.

Instead, he wrapped his arm tighter around her, drawing her close. He laid his hand on her hair, stroking it gently. He decided that she just needed a good cry. He knew from experience that sometimes it helped to just get it out, without anyone trying to comfort you with empty words. Robyn threw her arms around Don and sobbed into his shoulder. She really hadn't wanted to tell him about all of this. She was worried that he'd turn away from her, but from the beginning, he had been nothing but supportive. "I'm sorry." she said softly. "I'm sorry I dragged you into this. It's not your problem, I just--"

"Robyn, it's okay. Hey, you've had to deal with me and all my complaining these past few months. Now it's my turn...to be here for you."

Robyn lifted her head and stared at him, sniffling as she wiped her face with the back of her hand.

"Here." Don reached over to grab a box off the nightstand and handed her some tissues. She took them slowly from his hand, drying her face and blowing her nose. They just stared at eachother for a long while, a certain unspoken understanding passing between the two. Don could relate to her problem. He knew what it was like to lose someone you loved.

Finally, he spoke. "I talked with the guys, and we all agree that if you need a place to stay..."

Robyn blinked up at him. "Are you...sure?"

Don nodded. "Oh yeah. It's not a problem at all. We have plenty of room. Sorry about the smell and stuff, but you kinda get used to it after a while. The sleeping arrangements are gonna be a little tough..."

Robyn stared at him curiously.

"I mean, there's only our four rooms. You could probably sleep in Raph's room, although he still has a lot of his old junk in there, and he gets pretty cranky when we mention moving it out. And Mike's room, well, see for yourself. If you actually did find your way to the bed, I seriously doubt we'd ever be able to find you to get you back out of there again. Guess that leaves the couch. Unless...unless you want to sleep in Splinter's room. But I dunno if that's such a hot idea..."

A smile broke out on Robyn's face, and she tossed the tissue into the trash can. "Ummm...well...then...maybe I should stay in here...with you."

Don rose to his feet. He could feel his face growing flushed. "I...in here?"

Robyn stood up to face him. "That is...unless you don't want me to."

"Oh, no, no! I didn't mean that, I just--" Don blushed and glanced at the floor. "I mean, a...are you sure? Cuz' I can sleep out on the cou--"

"I'm sure."

Don stared at her uneasily. That mischevious look had crept back into her eyes again, and he could feel a lump forming in his throat. As he stared into her eyes, he realized that he was happy she'd made the suggestion, if not a little nervous. A woman sleeping in his bed? Hmmm...maybe I should go have a talk with Raphael...

He gave her a sideways glance. "Are you sure?"

"I swear it!" Megan crossed a finger over her chest, indicating that she was serious. "I saw it with my own eyes, Raph, and it was pretty apparent."

He smirked at her. "You mean...you saw them--"

"No!" she said quickly. "No, I could just tell that...something was going on."

Raph grinned at the thought. Shy little Donnie with a woman, and one that was almost old enough to be his mother at that? Suddenly he began to giggle.

Megan gave him a funny look. "Raph? What's so funny?"

He shook his head. "I dunno. Somehow just imaginin' Donnie getting romantic is...well...damn hillarious!" He broke into laughter again, and Megan found she couldn't contain herself either. A smile broke across her face, and soon she was giggling right along with him.

He glanced around the room - at the empty futon, the ancient Japanese scrolls on the walls, the small collection of candles and books. God, how he missed him. And he'd never really had the chance to say good bye. There were so many things he wished he could have said, but now it was too late.

Well...maybe not...

He peered through the door to make sure no one was around, and then quickly shut it. Lowering himself to a lotus position on the floor, he closed his eyes, breathing deeply as he emptied his mind of all thoughts.

Slowly, he cleared it of the hurt, the regret, the frustration, and focused on his face, that wise old face that had always been so kind, so loving. How he needed him now. How he needed the answers that he knew might never come.

Splinter...are you out there?

Don gulped uneasily. She was staring at him, those deep green pools threatening to swallow him whole. What was she thinking? Robyn bit her lower lip and continued to hold his gaze. Should I? This is crazy...what if he doesn't want--

But she could see something in his eyes, something about the way he looked at her that told her it was okay. She didn't have to worry about those things. He accepted her for who and what she was. Her age, her kid, her problems, all of it. A smile played at her lips as she reached down slowly, taking Don by the hand.

He glanced down at their interlocked fingers, then back to her face, to those questioning eyes. She pulled his hand toward her, that look in her eyes deepening, almost beckoning him. He wished he could look away, but something held him entranced.

Robyn laid his hand on her chest, just below her shoulder and held it there for a moment before lowering hers. Don swallowed hard, his heart pounding in his chest, the blood pumping through his veins. He stood there for a moment, staring at his hand, not daring to pull it away, wondering about what lay beneath the silky material. He looked up at her face again and noticed the hint of a smile on her lips, a look that told him what she wanted without words. Gulping down some of his fear, he began to gently slide his hand down.

"Hello?"

"Leo, this is April." The happy voice poured from the earpeice.

"Oh, hey, Ape, what's up?"

"Christian's home. We were wondering if you guys would like to come up and see him."

"Oh, yeah, that would be great. I'll let Don and Mike know. I'm sure they'll be anxious to see him. We'll be up shortly."

"Great. See you then."

Leo hung up the phone and headed to Donatello's room. As he approached, he noticed the door was closed and the "Genious At Work" sign was hung on the knob.

Hmmm...must be working on a new gadget. Wonder what he's experimenting with this time...

He lifted his hand to knock, but then remembered how moody Don could get when he was disturbed. After a moment's thought, he decided to knock anyway. He was sure Don wouldn't mind being interrupted for this.

"Hey Don, you in there?" He waited for a moment, but there was no answer. "Don?" Still nothing. "Oh well, guess I'll just leave him a note." he decided.

As he was putting on his coat, Mike came out from Splinter's room to join him. Leo looked at him curiously, but decided not to ask.

"What's up?" Mike asked. "Who was that?"

"April called." he answered. "Christian's home. Wanna come?"

Robyn lifted her finger to her mouth. "Shhhh...."

Don turned his head to stare at the door, hoping like hell Leo wouldn't try to open it. He really did need to get locks for these darn doors. But soon, Leo's footsteps trailed away, and he could hear Mike and him leave the lair.

Alone at last...

But did he want to be alone with her? He listened to the silence for a long moment before deciding. Of course he did, he was just a little nervous. Make that petrified. He had never done this before, and Robyn was a good friend. Would things change?

"Don..."

Her voice snapped him awake. "Huh?" He stared up at her, then down to his hand which cradled the side of her breast. He looked up into her face, their eyes locking for a moment, and then she slowly closed hers, indicating for him to continue.

He took a deep breath. He could hear the blood pumping in his ears, feel it rushing through him. Slowly, he ran his hands down her body, bewildered by the feel of her, even through the clothing. He longed to see what she looked like underneath.

Sensing his curiousity, Robyn smiled at him gently and began to undo the top button.

"He sure is a cute little bugger, ain't he?" Raph cradled Christian in his arms, amazed at how accepting of him the baby was. He didn't seem afraid of him in the least. Instead, he looked up at him with curious eyes, and laid calmly and peacefully in his arms.

"Hey Raph," April teased. "Looks like you have a way with children."

Megan smiled at him. She felt a little lonely inside knowing that she would probably never have what April had. Despite what the others probably thought, Megan had already formed her own opinion. He'd make a good father...

Raph smirked at April. "Yeah? Well, why's that so surprising?"

Mike laughed out loud and Leo just grinned and shook his head.

Don stood, frozen like a statue and stared at her in awe. He drew in a ragged breath, allowing his eyes to float up, examining her flesh, until they met with hers.

Sensing his nervousness and apprehension, Robyn smiled at him and spoke softly. "It's okay Don."

He took a step closer to her, allowing his eyes to travel downward again as he gently wrapped an arm around her waist. She ran a hand down his cheek, studying his eyes again, those same deep, intelligent eyes that had stared back at her yesterday morning at the farmhouse.

"Y...you're beautiful." Don whispered.

Robyn lifted his chin to look her in the eyes again. As he stared into them, at their sparkle, at the long eyelashes, the blond hair, the fair skin, the desire built in him, and he lifted his hand, cradling her head, and kissed her.

"It's weird, ya know? I mean, life just feels so...empty without him."

Casey shifted his weight uneasily. "Yeah, I know." In an attempt to keep himself busy, he poured some Froot Loops into a bowl and opened the refrigerator. Hmmm...now where did April put the milk...?

"I just wish I could know."

Casey peeked his head out of the fridge and stared up at him. "Could know what?"

"Just...that they really do forgive me."

Nope, no milk. He grabbed a bottle instead and closed the door. "Leo, don't be so hard on yourself. They just need some time to grieve, that's all." He opened the liter of Pepsi and began to pour it on the cereal.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I just--"

"Hey, don't you worry man. Things will get back to nomral. It's just gonna take some time."

"Yeah, I know..."

Casey lifted the bowl and brought it to the table. "I mean, look how long it took for April and I, but here we are. Married, a house full of kids, pretty good jobs..."

Leo gawked down into the bowl. "Are you really gonna eat that?"

Casey scooped up a spoonful and shoved it in his mouth. "Yeah", he said, his voice muffled on the bite. "What's wrong with it?"

Leo cringed and shook his head. "I think you've been hanging around Mikey too long."

Don pulled the sheet up and knelt over her. "Are you okay?" he asked gently.

She smiled weakly up at him. "Yeah, I'm fine."

He took a deep breath. "Do you want a drink of water? Something to eat? Another blanket?"

Her smile widened. "No, Don, really, I'm fine."

Sighing in relief and exhaustion, Don slumped back down, propping his head up with his elbow. He laid a hand on her arm, which peeked out from beneath the sheet, and traced it with his finger. He thought about his feelings for her, remembering how only a few days ago he had finally admitted how he had been feeling for so long. He had a hunch that Robyn felt the same, knew it infact. And although they'd had a long distance relationship, they had grown very close all the same. He felt as though he'd known her all his life, and now, with his insecurities at rest, he could finally be all that she needed him to be, without judgement, and without fear.

Robyn studied him silently. It had been so long since she'd had any kind of relationship with a man. She had almost forgotten what it felt like to be held and loved. Laying here, she felt so strange, almost as if she were in a dream, and that all she had to do was wake up and it would be over.

When she first met Don, she had been terrified of him, yet strangely fascinated. He was a creature like she had never seen before. And as their friendship slowly developed, she had considered him a best friend more than anything else. She had never imagined it would develop into something like this, but it had, quite a while ago infact. The thought was still strange though. Her and a mutated turtle? It sounded so ludicrous to her, yet in a strange way, so right. All the humans she had ever been with had let her down. Maybe it was time for a change.

Don hugged her, pulling her close. His arms were so strong and so comforting. She felt like she could do anything with him by her side. The way he touched her with such awe and curiousity and newness...it was a welcomed change from the roughness, the uncaring, get-down-to-business attitude she was so used to.

Sighing, she rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes, drifting off into sleep.

"Ya know, it's funny how fragile life actually is." Casey pondered. "It's like life springs up from death when you least expect it. I mean, first Gabe died while giving birth to Shadow, then my aunt Julia died, and that brought Megan here, then Mike almost died, but he pulled through. We thought we were gonna lose Christian there for a while, and now Splinter..." He could feel the tension building in Leonardo and decided to stop while he was ahead.

Leo gazed at the floor. "Yeah. You got a point there. Splinter always told us that nothing happens without a reason. Do you actually think something good could come out of all this?"

"I dunno man, but one thing I do know is that things'll get better. Nothing stays this shitty forever."

April opened the door. As Don and Robyn enetered, he flashed her a nervous glance before greeting the others.

"Wow, look who finally decided to show up." Mike teased.

"Yeah, well...I was working on something..." Don tried nervously.

Raph flashed him a knowing smirk. "Mmmm hmmm....and just what might that be?"

Don glanced at Robyn again and cleared his throat. "None of your business, Raph." He flashed her a smile. "It's top secret."

Raph began to snigger, and Megan kicked him in the leg to quiet him down. Don sat down on the couch, attempting to look casual.

"Oh hey, Don. I see you got my note." Leo came out of the kitchen to greet him.

"Yeah." Don gulped. "I would have gotten here sooner, except...I was uhhh...working on something."

Leo glanced at Robyn. When had she gotten here? "Hey Robyn."

He thought he could see a forced quality behind her smile. "Hi Leo."

Before being questioned any further, Don decided it would be a good idea to change the subject. Besides, he was anxious to see the baby.

"So, where is he?"

Casey strolled into the room, the baby resting in his arms. "Right here. I was just ummm...changing him."

Raphael started to laugh. "Man Casey, you changin' a baby? Ha ha! I thought I would have never see the day." He glanced at April. "Guess you got him pretty well trained, huh?"

Casey frowned at Raph. "Yeah, well hold your tongue. You may be doing this someday, and then let's see who's laughing!"

Megan glanced down at the floor at the implication. She and Raph? She knew it would never happen. Turtles and humans couldn't possibly...

Raphael stared at Casey thoughtfully for a long moment. "So, does this mean..."

"Hey", Casey grinned. "Life's short. I say do what makes the two of you happy. Besides, I'd love to be able to rub this in your face some day."

Raphael wrapped his arm around Megan. "Heh heh! Maybe some day..."

Donatello ran his hand over Christian's full head of hair. "Yeah...I wouldn't even mind having one of these some day."

The others just looked at him for a moment.

Robyn was thinking about Trevor again, about all the time she had wasted while they were together. She wished she could turn back time. She would have never let Colin get his filthy hands on him. Even if things were extra tight and she had to search under her couch cushions for loose change to buy groceries, she would never make that mistake again.

Don could sense her discomfort, and he wanted more than anything for her to be happy. He hated to see her like this. He shifted the baby's weight in his arm, and wrapped his free one around her shoulders.

Raph flashed Megan a sideways glance and she mouthed the words, "I told you so." Before Raph could respond, Michaelangelo broke the silence.

"Hey Don, you missing an elbow pad?"

Don glanced at the arm he held around Robyn's shoulders and noticed his elbow pad was indeed missing. Blushing, he quickly pulled his arm from her shoulders and laid it under the baby again. Robyn just smiled at him, and, unable to contain it anymore, Raph blurted out a hearty laugh.

The sun had set behind the buildings, blanketing New York in darkness once again. He sat alone in Splinter's room, staring at the ancient Japanese writing on the walls. He wished he had taken the time to learn more of the language. As it was, he only knew a few words, and none of them very useful. If he went to Japan some day, he wouldn't even be able to order a pizza.

He lowered his eyes and took a deep breath before closing them. As he exhaled the air from his lungs, he tried to clear his mind again. It was hard with everything that had gone on recently. It seemed as though everything was happening at once, and he had no control over any of it.

He tried to push the hurt aside, and instead focused his thoughts on Splinter. He envisioned the thick fur, could see the kind sparkle in the brown eyes, could almost feel...

"Michaelangelo?"

His eyes flew open, and he glanced toward the doorway, startled.

Leo was standing there, leaning agianst the frame, his arms crossed, but his face was gentle and full of curiousity. "What are you doing?"

Mike rose to his knees. "I was just, ummm...well, I was meditating, you know, trying to blow off some steam..."

Mike never really had been a good lier. "You're trying to contact him, aren't you?"

As Mike nodded in admittance, he half expected Leo to get angry, or to tell him what he was doing was foolish and a waste of time, but instead, he wrapped an arm around him.

"I have been too." he said softly. "It's almost as if I can feel something different in the air, like he's here with us."

Mike just looked up at him.

"I'll go get the others." Leo smiled. "I think we need them too."

He lit the candles one by one, like Splinter had always done. It felt weird to be here, in his quarters, but it seemed the appropriate place. The room was filled with the things Splinter had loved. Leo blew out the match and took his place on the mat between Raphael and Casey. "Okay" he said softly. "You all know why we're here." As he glanced around the room, the facial expressions and light head nods confirmed his question.

"This is nice and all, but I ain't one for meditating." Casey replied. "I mean, the way I see it, you got a problem, you just go out and beat it to death. End of story."

April and Megan both shot him annoyed glances.

"Casey, this is important." Leo continued. "I really feel like this is a group effort. If we're gonna even be able to locate him for few moments, I feel that it will take all of our minds. We have to all join together for this to work."

Casey sighed and stretched out his legs. "Alright, fine. But can I atleast sit like this? My legs are cramping."

Raph sighed and shook his head, but Leo nodded. "That's fine. Now please..." he gazed around at the faces again. "Everyone concentrate."

Megan had meditated a few times with Splinter, but she had never attempted to do anything even remotely as difficult as this. She wondered how she and her other human companions were going to be able to pull this off. Wouldn't they just be a hinderance?

Leo closed his eyes and the others followed his lead. Robyn glanced at Don, who sat to her left, and then at Mike to her right, noticing the calmness in their faces, the way they breathed. Slowly, she closed her eyes and attempted to do the same, as Leo had explained.

As they sat there in silence, attempting to clear their minds, Megan thought about her mother and her father, their deaths, all that had meant to her, and slowly, she pushed it aside. She took in a breath and thought about Splinter. Suddenly, something tugged at her, if only for an instant, and she could feel something...someone's presence. It was Raphael. Their minds had connected somehow. Had he been trying to reach her mentally, or had it just happened? She couldn't tell, but for a brief moment, she could feel him, and she pushed back a little, embracing him in her mind.

Casey thought this whole thing was foolish. Looking up dead ghosts in the Astral Plane yellow pages? It was absurd. The poor guy was dead. Let him rest already. Yet, he did as Leo asked. It was the least he could do after he'd been such a jerk to Raph. They focused, the concentration wrinkling their eyelides, clenching their jaws as visions of the past flashed through their heads. Mike eating pizza, Don typing at his computer, Leo doing katas, Raph storming out the door, a battle in an alleyway, a wise teacher meditating with his students, a young woman falling, only to be picked up by strong, green arms...

Megan gasped as she saw herself, knew that the others were seeing it too. She watched as the vivid memories poured back into her head. The battle, the pain, her rescuer, and again she felt that tug from Raphael's mind, and it comforted her.

More visions flashed. Robyn squirmed a little as she saw herself pass out on the floor of a hotel room. She could feel the fear she had once experienced that had now been replaced by only love.

A fortress, Karai, a long table...

April almost broke her concentration at the site. She found herself back in the fortress, sitting again at the table with Megan, surrounded by the Foot, being taunted to eat...

Megan remembered as well, and it sickened her. But again, that pull, that warm feeling from Raph that everything was okay, and it was gone again, and replaced by a new vision.

Shadow climbing on an old rat's shoulders, Megan and the turtles practicing, Casey and Raph running through the park at night, Michaelangelo cooking, and finally...

An image broke through, a memory. One that seemed so distant, yet was so close, they could almost reach out and touch it. A familiar face, it's eyes filled with kindness and understanding, it's body unaged by the curse of time.

In his mind, Michaelangelo reached out and grasped his master. "Splinter!"