All alone
I'm so all alone
There is no one else but you...
Just for a moment you were mine, and then
You seemed to vanish like a dream
I long to hold you in my arms again
My life is very lonely
For I want you only
- Irving Berlin, "All Alone"
"One...two...three...clear!"
He winced in anguish as he watched another charge of electricity flow through her. An intense spasm was her frail body's only reply. He sucked in a breath as he watched them huddle around her lifeless body. Peeking around the curtain, he stole a brief glimpse of the EKG. Still no response.
Come on, Robyn...come on, please!
The doctors were looking at each other gravely now.
Do it again! Come on! She's gotta live! He had to resist the urge to throw back the curtain and appear before them to snatch the paddles from their hands and do it himself. But that idea was ludicrous. Besides, what could he possibly do that the doctors and nurses weren't already frantically trying?
"One...two...three..."
Again, the current jerked her body, and again, her heart refused to respond.
Donatello could feel the tension building up to an unbearable point now. What would he do if he lost her? What would he tell Trevor? He peeked out from his hiding place again, saw Casey standing off to the side, his hands wrapped tightly around his arms. He was clenching them, and Don could see the helplessness and shock building up in the rugged features.
How could this have happened? I was just talking to her...she was okay...
But wasn't that how it always happened? He thought about his deceased master suddenly. It was almost a year now since his death, and the images still haunted him. He'd been talking to him just an hour or two before, and then suddenly, without warning, without even a chance to say goodbye, his world had turned upside down. Why did it always have to happen that way? Why him? Why was everything he ever loved leaving him? Who would be next? Mike? Raph? Leo? It was a thought he couldn't bear. As he gazed at Robyn's lifeless form, all he could do was hope and pray that somehow, some way, she would come out of this and live again.
The door flew open, and in walked a happy Michaelangelo. His coat, gloves and hat were covered with freshly fallen snow, but the smile that radiated from his face seemed to warm the entire room.
"I'm just a looovve machine! And I won't work for nobody but you..." He peeled off the cold wet garments and laid them across the back of a chair, strutting like a chicken in heat. "Yeah, baaaby! I'm just a love machine! A huggin', kissin' fiend."
Raph glanced up from the newspaper and exchanged questioning glances with Leo as Mike continued his happy gyrations.
"I'm just a looovve machine! And I won't work--"
"And where the hell were you all night?"
Mike stopped singing and smiled at Raphael. "I was out. Gettin' to know the ladiiieees."
"Mike", Leo said gently. "Come on, knock it off."
Mike looked offended for a moment. "But it's true! While you two were sitting here watching old MacGuyver reruns, I was busy rocking Amber's world!"
Raphael cocked an eyebrow at him. "You mean...?"
"Yeah..." his grin grew wider and his voice filled with excitement. "It was great! Oh, and Raph...?" Mike lifted his leg, resting his foot on the coffee table so the ink on his thigh was clearly visible. "You can just eat this tattoo, cuz she said it really fits me!"
Leo's eyes grew really wide and his jaw dropped open as he stared at the tattoo. "Oh my god..."
Raph couldn't help but grin at Leo's reaction.
"Please tell me you didn't...that's temporary, right? Tell me it washes off!"
Mike's grin widened. "And you know why? Cuz I'm just a looovve machine!"
Leo stared speechless at the "XXL" and the red arrow that were brandished into Mike's skin, and shook his head. "If Splinter was still here, he'd make you do katas all day long for a month for this..."
Mike grinned even bigger and shrugged. "Yeah, well...he's not. Besides, Raph dared me to do it..."
"Mike..." Raph shot him a warning look.
"Oh, don't worry Raph, I won't tell him what I dared you to do."
Raph jumped up and lunged for Mike, trying to shut him up. Leo just stared at them reluctantly as they tumbled around on the floor. So that's what they were trying to hide on the train...
"God...I can't believe you two..."
Mike pulled away from Raph and rolled his eyes. "Geeze, Leo, we were just having some fun. And anyway, we didn't make you get a tattoo..."
"Don't sweat it Mike," Raph's mouth curled up into a crooked smile. "He's still got a stick up his butt about this whole nightmare thing."
Mike shot Leo a concerned look. "You're having nightmares, Leo?"
Leo frowned at Raph. He really wished he could keep his big mouth shut. "Hey, I told you...they're not nightmares, Raph. This is for real!"
"Yeah...so you say. But then tell me, why haven't we found anything? I mean, shit Leo! It's been over a week, and there's not even a trace of Baxter anywhere, and all this bullshit about Megan..." He turned away from them to gaze out the window. The roses that she had planted a few months ago were finally in bloom. It seemed odd that they'd finally come to life in December, the gloomiest of months, but he didn't dwell on that for long. All he could think about was her. As as he remembered her pleads for him to stay with her, his heart filled with pain.
Mike's expression transformed from happy to concerned to somber as he exchanged glances with Leo. He knew that Raph had been taking this whole situation much harder than he would ever allow himself to let on. As always, he'd been keeping his feelings locked up inside inpenetrable walls of steel. And like usual, Mike understood that to try to break through those barriers would cause more trouble than good.
"You know..." Leo said softly. "This whole thing seems a little odd to me. I mean, you hardly know her, Mike."
Where had that come from? Hadn't they been on the subject of Baxter and Megan?
Mike shot Leo an annoyed glance. "Leo...what the heck do you mean? I've been visiting her everyday for chrissake!"
"Yeah...but how much do you really know about her, Mike?"
He rolled his eyes again and shot Raph a look. "Can you believe him?"
"Actually, Mike..." Raph hated to admit it. "I think he may be right."
Mike stared at him dumbfounded for a moment. "What?!? What do you mean, Raph? How can you say that?"
"Look Mike, it's nothing personal, I just...I've had this weird feeling about her ever since you started seeing her. I just...I don't know if I trust her, Mike. There's just something about her..."
Mike folded his arms over his chest and stood defensively. "How can you say that when you haven't even met her? This isn't fair! I never said that stuff about Megan!"
Mike regreted that last statement immediately. He glanced at Raphael apologetically, realizing he'd brought the conversation back to a very touchy subject. An angry frown spread across Raph's forehead, and for a moment, Mike thought he was going to let him have it, but slowly the scowl faded, and his head lowered. "This is different."
"Oh my god..." April burried her head in her hands as Casey's words began to sink in. Robyn? Dying? But it couldn't be. She was getting better! She was just awake and talking...
Casey wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close. He hated to be the one to bring her so much pain. He hated this whole situation, and for some reason, he just couldn't shake the idea that all of this was his fault somehow.
He glanced to his left and watched Trevor for a moment. The little boy was sitting silently in the chair, his head tilted downward to stare at his hands. He looked quiet and helpless - almost how Casey had felt when his father died. He hadn't been much older than Trevor was now.
The poor kid...he's hardly even gotten to know his mother...
Suddenly, April gripped Casey's jacked and burried her face in his chest, sobbing. She couldn't stop herself from remembering the old times. She and her sister had always been so close, and now Robyn was slipping away. When their father died a few years ago, Robyn had been there for comfort and support, but now, who would be there for her? Casey would try, but he could never understand.
Casey held her tighter, wishing he could think of something comforting to say. He wasn't good at this sort of thing. He hated emotional moments. They always made him feel so ackward. All he could do was hold his breath and pray that somehow Robyn would pull through.
"Here." Amber rested a pillow under Megan's head. Megan closed her eyes as she sank a little into the soft cushion. It felt great to finally get her head off of the hard table and onto something with a little more give. She still had a tremendous headache, but it subsided a little as she lay there.
"Thank you."
Amber laid a hand on Megan's forehead to feel for her temperature and glanced at her father. "We're going to need some blankets," she told him. "It's cold in here. Besides, she could use a little privacy."
Dr. Hudson stared at his daughter for a moment, and then glanced back to Philipe. He seemed to be waiting for some sort of protest. When he received none, he turned back to Amber and flashed her a wary look before doing as requested.
Amber watched him go, and then turned back to finish checking Megan. "Dammit...those bastards..." she mumbled under her breath.
Another contraction spasmed through her, and again her ankles and wrists dug into the metal shackles. Megan cried out from the pain. She didn't know which was worse, the pain in her limbs, or the one in her abdomen. Amber stared at the restraints in disbelief. "Take these damn things off of her." she demanded of Philipe. "How the hell do you expect her to give birth with these on?"
Philipe shot Amber a warning look. "They will remain in place until it is time for the baby's arrival."
"But they're cutting into her. She can't push against the contractions properly with these things in the way! It's not like she can escape in this condition you know."
The hate in Philipe's glare intensified. "I gave my orders. Now do as you're told."
As Amber stared into those intense green eyes, she could have sworn the irises had begun to swirl like liquid. She could feel herself start to fall into those raging pools, feel her body being taken over...
She shook herself and forced herself to glance away, breaking the trance. Philipe gave a cocky grin of satisfaction and tossed Amber a small silver key. "You may use it when you see fit." and he walked away.
"Hello?" Raph rested the receiver under his chin and smirked at Mike and Leo. "Oh, hey, Casey, we were just talking about you. Maybe you can help solve a little dispute for us..."
Raphael knew that Casey would take his side.
Mike rolled his eyes and flopped down into a chair.
"She what?" Suddenly Raph's grin faded and he glanced at Leo with worry in his eyes. "Shit..."
"What?" Leo whispered. "What is it?"
A look of pain came across Raph's face. "Damn...how's Donnie?"
A pause.
"What? What do you mean you lost him? Shit Casey, can't you keep your hands on anyo-- right. Okay. Yeah. We'll see what we can do. How about April and the kid?"
Mike and Leo were sitting on the edges of their seats, staring up at Raph in concerned interest.
"Yeah, alright. We'll meet up then. Thanks Case. Yeah...later."
As Raph hung up the phone, an eery chill swept over him. "Damn..." He immediately thought about Megan and his unborn child, and he had to really struggle to keep his emotions in check.
"Raph? What's going on?" Leo was on his feet and readying himself for whatever circumstance had come up.
Raphael couldn't speak for a moment. Instead, he gazed out the window, staring at the passing cars, wondering why life had to be so damn unfair.
"Raph?" This time it was Mike, and as he forced himself to gaze into those big brown eyes, he almost gave in to the tears.
"Look guys, I have some bad news..."
"Oh my god..." Leo closed his eyes. He knew what Raph was about to say before he even said it. "She's...she's gone, isn't she?"
Raph lowered his head and stared at the floor as millions of emotions threatened to force their way out. "Yeah..."
"Wait...Robyn--what? She can't be, I mean, it's just--"
"Mike..." Leo laid a hand on his arm and spoke gently. "It's going to be okay.
But Mike's tears had already begun to fall. He couldn't believe it. It was like a dream. "Not Robyn..." he whispered. "God...not her..."
Raph gritted his teeth against the pain that was welling up inside of him. God Mike, please don't cry...I can't watch you cry like this.
"What now?" Leo asked gently. "What about Don and April?"
"April's hanging in there I guess, but she's pretty shaken up about the whole thing."
"And Don?" Mike sniffed.
"He took off right after they pronounced her dead. Guess he couldn't take being there anymore..."
The three of them stared at eachother helplessly for a moment, but they knew what they needed to do.
"I'll check out all his regular hangouts - the dump, the lot behind the computer lab...Raph, see if you can find him at April and Casey's if he's not at home, and Mike...we need someone to check out the hospital and make sure he's not still there somewhere."
The trutles agreed, and after grabbing coats, mittens and hats, they hurried out into the freshly fallen snow to find their lost brother.
Mike pulled the coat up higher around his neck. He always hated venturing into public places with a bunch of strange humans. It wasn't that he didn't like the adventure, in fact, he lived for stuff like this. But the careful procedures and watchful staff of the hospital made him feel vulnerable. He wasn't even sure where to begin looking for Donatello. He doubted very much that he was even still here. He was probably alone somewhere. That was usually his answer to things he couldn't explain - lock himself up somewhere by himself where no one could bother him.
He had found Casey and April in the parking lot on his way in. April was a mess. She could hardly gather her wits enough to speak. That's when Mike had truly lost it. He couldn't bear to see her cry. It was like a piece of his heart had been torn out and stomped on. After an emotionally exhausting half hour, Casey had taken April and the kids home. It was clear to Mike that April was in no condition to help with this search. Remembering that disparaged look on her face made his eyes well up again. He still couldn't believe Robyn was dead. He had planned on coming here to visit her, later today in fact. Now he was hating himself for not coming sooner. Instead, he had spent almost all of his time pursuing Amber.
Mike wiped at his eyes quickly, glancing around to make sure no one had seen him. After a small search down a few empty corridors, he finally spotted a sign that read Intensive Care. As he pulled the hat lower over his eyes, he turned down the hallway, and made his way toward her room.
Megan curled her fingers around the edges of the bed as the pain spasmed through her with an incredible force. It was almost time, she knew it. She was glad that Amber had finally removed the shakles from her wrists and akles. She was starting to wonder if she'd ever be free of them. Amber laid a cold washcloth on Megan's forehead, and gently pressed a hand to her stomach.
Megan was breathing hard, trying desperately to overcome the pain. She knew that's what Raphael would do if he was ever in a similar situation - ignore the pain, push past it and keep going. But the burning in her body was almost too much to bear.
She thought about him more and more as she neared the time for delivery. She longed to feel his touch, to see that sparkle in his eyes when he looked at her. Even though his heart had defensive walls of steel, he had never been afraid to show her that he loved her. How she missed him! And she was afraid. She knew she could die here, all alone. Worse yet, she could lose his child, and that would bring both of them more grief than she wanted to imagine.
He needed to know where she was. He had to know about her and the baby, whatever happened. And she needed him here. If something were to happen to her, she knew they'd both regret not getting the chance to see eachother one last time.
She glanced around the room helplessly. Philipe and Dr. Hudson were busy at the screen, monitoring the baby's progress. Realizing they were out of ear shot, she turned to Amber who was busy at her side with an IV.
"Amber, please...you've gotta do something for me."
Amber stared at her warily. She knew by the look in her eyes that to fulfil this request was not going to be easy. "What? What is it?"
Megan bit her lip. "We're friends, right?"
A wave of guilt gripped Amber. Suddenly she felt awful for what she'd done. She had known all this time where Megan was. She could see the pain and grief in her eyes, and yet she hadn't told anyone. She'd found one of them. She'd been intimate with him even, and still she hadn't been able to tell him where this friend of his, that he cared so much about, was being held.
"Y...yeah, Megan. We're friends..."
"Good." Megan smiled weakly. "I want to thank you. You've always been so nice to me."
Amber swallowed and stared at her for a moment. She didn't know what to say.
"As a friend, I have to ask you something." Megan continued.
"Sure...anything."
"Find Raphael. Please!"
Amber stared at her in shock. She hadn't expected that. "Megan, I..."
"Please Amber. I need to see him. I need him to know where I am. And if something happens to one of us..."
Amber stared down at the rounded stomach and thought about the child who was struggling to come out and meet the world. Suddenly she felt very dizzy.
"Okay...I'll do it." Amber whispered. "I'll find him. I don't know how, but--"
"Do you swear?"
"I swear."
The sun had set over and hour ago, and the city was oddly quiet. Raphael leaned his head against the bricks and stared up at the stars, remembering the night of his proposal. He'd really caught Megan off guard with that one. To this day, he could hardly believe that he'd even asked her. And he had been so worried that she'd turn him down. He could still feel the joy that had overtaken him when she said yes. In fact, ever since then, no matter what awful things came his way, or how upset he'd gotten, that joy had never left him. Only now, she was gone, and he didn't know if he would ever see her again. And his unborn child...what would happen to it?
"Raph...Raph, are you alright?" Leo's voice filled the silence, breaking his train of thought.
"Huh? Oh...yeah, Leo, I'm fine."
Leo stared at him for a moment, knowing that Raphael wasn't being fully honest with him, but he decided not to press the subject. "Coast is clear. There's a window open in the back. We can probably wedge it open enough to crawl through there. Are you sure that this is the right place?"
"Of course, Leo. I told you, the stamp on the inside of his computer books has this address. It's the right place."
They crept along the wall to the back of the building. This was the last place they could think of to look. If Donatello wasn't here, it would be very obvious that he didn't want to be found.
He knocked on the door and waited again. Still no answer. She wasn't home, and the chill winter air was nagging at him, threatening to turn him into a popsicle.
He wrapped his arms around himself and stared up at the second story window. Her room. He wished he was there right now, with her. He wished she could just be here to take all of his pain away. He felt the warmth of tears streaming down his cheek, but he didn't bother to wipe it away. Instead, he crept to the back of the house and began to climb the bricks.
"Megan...? We've got to get this baby out of her. Now! Megan, hang in there."
All she could hear over the pounding in her head were frantic, distant voices. She knew it was time. She knew she had to push now, but she couldn't. The pain was so great, her eyes were clenched tight in pain, and all she could see was blackness. She thought she was going to pass out.
"The baby is too large. We have to do a C-Section."
"There's no time! Her pulse is already growing weak. If we take the time to operate, we could lose them both."
"We have no other option. We have to abort."
"No!" Megan gasped through the pain. "No. Don't kill my baby...please!"
"Megan..." Amber's voice was gentle. "We're all out of options. This doesn't look good. Tell me what you want us to do...and we'll do it."
He sat alone, hunched over a small table. There was a book in his hand, but he clearly wasn't reading it. His mind was on other things, his vision clouded over with tears of sorrow and regret. He was seeing her face again, not with its scars and bruises, but the beautiful face he'd always known. It was the face of an angel...his best friend, the one that over time he'd come to love.
He lowered his head into his hands, weeping at the memory of her. It was so unfair! This should have never happened. He shouldn't have left her behind. Now all of his heroism was for naught. He'd rescued her child, only to leave her behind to die. Life wasn't fair. Then again, it never had been for him, not really. And finally, when he thought he had actually had something good to hold onto, it had whithered away. He wished he too could just fade away into the darkness. He was tired of feeling the pain.
"Don?"
He glanced into the shadows, but only saw the sillhouetted rows of books. He didn't need to see him anyway. He knew who it was.
"Don...are you..."
"I'm fine, Leo." He lowered his head back to the book.
"Don, look..." Finally Leo and Raph emerged far enough from the shadows that he could make out their forms in the darkness. "We came to bring you back--"
"I'm not going back, Leo. Not right now."
"But Don...you shouldn't be alone--"
"Leo, I understand what you're trying to do, but I don't need your pitty. So...please. Just go. Leave me in peace."
Raph laid a hand on Don's shoulder. His grip was firm, but surprisingly gentle. "See, I can't do that. I don't know about Leo, but..."
Don gazed up into Raph's face. He was standing close enough to him now to see the grief in his features. His eyes were filled with sorrow and self doubt.
Raph bit his lip. "I need you Donnie."
Don didn't say anything, he just stared at him blankly.
"I...I know what you're going through." He said akwardly. "I don't even know..." His voice grew very quiet. "Megan may be gone too..."
Don's face softened as he saw a tear roll down Raph's cheek. It was so rare he ever saw him like this.
"I know what it's like to feel pain...to want to just punish the world for all the wrong you've had to face, but...we're brothers, Don, and...we need eachother."
Donatello couldn't hide the surprise in his face. Was this really Raphael, or had Michaelangelo taken over his body? Still, he knew from the look in his eyes that Raphael meant what he said.
Don lowered his gaze as the tears streamed down his cheeks. All he had wanted was to be alone, but deep down inside, he knew he'd never be. His family would never let him. Even Raphael knew this truth, and despite those walls he'd worked so hard to build up, Don knew that his brother cared for him.
Suddenly, Raph wrapped his arms around him, gripping him tightly. Don let out a gasp of surprise, but he didn't try to break free. Instead, he slowly brought his arms up to return the hug, and burried his face in Raphael's shoulder, finally allowing himself to let it all go.
"God, it's so unfair, Raph! It's so unfair..."
All Raphael could think about now was Megan, and how he was going to make sure that Baxter Stockman wouldn't live to see another day. "I know, Don. I know."
"How?" Don sobbed. "How am I supposed to deal with the pain? I can't--"
Raph kept his grip firm, rocking him ever so slightly. "I don't know, Don. I've never been good at that stuff..."
Leo was beside them now, one hand resting on the back of Don's head, the other on Raph's shoulder. "We've got eachother. And together, we're going to get through this."
"We ain't gonna leave you." Raph added.
"It hurts." Don cried desperately. "It hurts so much..."
Leo couldn't stand to see them in pain, and he knew that their fight was only just beginning. "I'm so sorry..."
As the night burned on, they knelt there for what seemed like hours, in the middle of the library floor, just crying and trying to find some sort of comfort in one another.
- Oasis, "Acquiesce"
"Okay...I got it." Amber lifted the tiny creature in her arms and hurried over to the sink. Blinded by her tears, she stared down at the helpless infant in wonder. It was a sight unlike anything she had ever beheld before. It was slightly bigger than a normal newborn, but that was to be expected. The tiny hands only had two fingers and a thumb, and the feet were just as odd with only two toes on each one. Just like them..., she thought to herself.
The skin was flesh colored, but it had a slight greenish tint to it, which at first made her worry for the baby's health. But after a quick exam, everything seemed to be okay. It had a beautiful face, with enchanting gray eyes that were decorated with flecks of violet. The small patch of hair on its head was shiny and jet black, and every time it smiled, it brought new tears to her eyes.
It was a beautiful child, and she couldn't help but stare at it as she wet a cloth and began to clean up the blood. She started with the chest, and as the cloth cleaned away the crimson fluid, a pattern was slowly revealed. She ran a finger down the middle of its chest, and she could feel the indentation of an underdeveloped plastron. It was slightly yellowish in color, but barely visible under normal light.
Once she was finished with the front, she turned the baby over and was surprised to find the beginning of a shell on its back. It didn't stick out like Michaelangelo's. Instead, it appeared to be more like a chiseled plate set into a normal human back.
This creature was beautiful in every detail. And though at first she thought the site of it would frighten her, now she couldn't take her eyes off of it.
Without warning, the baby was snatched from her hands. She watched in helpless desperation as Philipe carried the infant and held it out in front of a bright examining light. "This beast disgusts me! What an abomination of nature. It's very essence is repulsive."
"Please..." Amber tried.
Philipe rose his glimmering green eyes to meet hers. "It's a hideous freak, just like its father..."
"It's not a freak!" she blurted.
He stared at her coldly, and she felt her knees weaken.
"I do not wish to look at it anymore. Go find it some clothes to cover up the deformities."
"But I can't leave right now. Megan--"
"I said go! Now!"
Amber swallowed hard, gathering her courage. "No. I won't leave until I can help her."
A demented grin spread across Philipe's face that slowly twisted into a horrifying grimace. "Don't you know who I am? I can destroy you and your father."
As she stared into those mesmerizing pools, terror welled up in her throat. She wanted to scream, but her body refused to even move. As he took a step closer, his eyes flashed for a brief moment, and suddenly she knew.
She pulled out the drawer and began to throw the clothes desperately. There had to be something here she could use to dress it in. She had to get back to the lab. Megan needed her.
"Amber?"
She jumped nearly out of her skin. "Mike! What are you doing here?"
"Sorry...you weren't home and I needed to talk to you, and I--why are you crying?"
She looked into the big brown eyes, and she melted. "Oh Mike! It's all my fault!" She threw her arms around him and began to sob.
A little confused, he held her for a moment, lightly stroking her hair as she cried.
She kept picturing it over and over again...all the blood...Megan so weak...the heart monitor racing...
"It's gonna be okay." Mike was saying. "Whatever it is...it's gonna be alright."
Amber pulled away a little and wiped her eyes. "Mike? I think you better sit down. There's something I have to tell you."