The sky was incredibly clear this morning, despite the chill temperature from last night's snow. She sat huddled on the white blanket of frost, trying to keep warm as the gentle breeze brushed past her, just windy enough to dry most of her tears.
How had she come to be here? What had motivated her to make those poor decisions that lead her to such an uncomfortable position? All she'd ever wanted was to be happy. But now happiness seemed the farthest thing from her. Her father was dead. Although she couldn't know if they'd found a body, she was sure he was gone. A part of her felt like it was missing, and try as she might, she couldn't shake the feeling of being alone. She was all she had now, and right now that just didn't seem good enough.
She thought about Mike, how ghastly he looked, how pale and fragile. She shut her eyes, trying to hold in the tears. She didn't want to cry anymore. She never meant for it to end this way. In the beginning, she knew she had welcomed him into her life out of curiousity. She wanted to study him, to get to know him, so that she could make her own decision about Megan's outcome, and the outcome of her unborn child. But as she got to know Mike, she had grown fond of him. And she'd grown fond of Megan as well.
She'd made some very bad decisions. She'd lied to him, and to Megan. She put everyone's lives in danger. And now she knew that no one would ever trust her again. She wondered if she even trusted herself anymore.
It had been two days since Megan's awakening. Leo had come from the hallway a little shaken up, a little leery, but excited all the same. When he'd announced Megan's recovery, Casey had gotten up so fast, he'd almost taken the furniture with him. But Leo stopped him. He said Raph and Megan needed a few minutes alone. That's when she decided that she too needed some space. She'd come here to think, and even in the cold of night, with the freshly fallen snow, she hadn't left. She would probably get hypothermia or frost bite, but what did it matter now?
Here she sat in the same spot, wondering what to do, where to go. It wasn't safe for her here any longer. Donatello said that Baxter was dead. But somehow, that wasn't much of a comfort. She knew that even if he had lived, the fire would have probably eaten him alive, but for some reason, that wasn't much of a comfort either. Baxter was very powerful. He could do things normal people couldn't even dream of. A lingering doubt remained in her mind. What if he really wasn't dead? What if his brain had lived long enough to be transplanted into another body? She shivered at the thought.
She kept scolding herself for being so foolish. Of course he was dead, she had to believe that. But even so, what if some of his men had managed to escape? They would surely come looking for her. And now she had not a friend in the world to help her. She'd made sure of that herself.
In her twenty two years, Mike and Megan had been her only true friends, and now she'd destroyed that. She didn't even know if they were going to be okay. There were so many unanswered questions. But right now, she wasn't sure if she wanted all the answers.
"He did what?" Leo looked at Donatello in surprise.
"Yeah...he actually asked me to be his dad. It's incredible, isn't it?"
Raphael smiled at him, then glanced down at the sleeping bundle in his arms. "It's a lot of work. I'll tell you that right now."
Leo patted Raph on the arm. "Awww...is a little diaper changing too much for our manly ninja?"
Raph just gave him an arrogant look. "Yeah, well, I'd like to see you try it!"
Don grinned and continued. "So, anyway...I've decided to do it."
Raph shot him an apprehensive look. "You sure, Donny? It's not going to be easy, especially with--"
"I know." Don said softly. "But he needs me. Besides, I want to. I think I'm ready to take on the responsibility."
Leo gripped his hand. "Well, then, congratulations. I'm sure you'll make a fine guardian, Don."
"Yeah, man, congrats." Raph shook his hand.
"Thanks guys." Don smiled. "Speaking of which, I better go check on him. He wanted me to show him something on the computer."
They watched in silence as Donatello disappeared out of site. Leonardo smiled as he thought about what Splinter would have thought if he'd still been with them. They had grown up. Raphael had a wife and kid, Donatello had chosen to take on this big responsibility alone, and they'd overcome so much. He knew Splinter would be proud of them all. He altered his gaze to look at Raph. He seemed a little preoccupied, and he wondered what was on his mind.
"Raph, is there something you want to talk about?"
"Hmm?" He awoke from his trance and glanced at Leo. "Oh. Nahh...not really."
"Okay then." Leo laid a hand on Raph's shoulder and rose to leave.
"Just that...well, about what happened the other night..."
Leonardo saw the seriousness behind his brother's eyes, and he sat back down.
April laid her hand on Mike's forehead. His skin felt cold and clammy, almost like rubber under her fingers. As she dragged the wet cloth over his cheeks, he didn't respond. It had been several days now since his brush with death, and still, she could see no improvement, save for maybe a small change in his color. He hadn't so much as stirred since they'd laid him here on the couch. His wounds were beginning to heal, but the one in his plastron would take time. She only hoped that he hadn't lost too much blood already to be able to survive.
She heard a noise behind her and glanced up to find Casey standing in the doorway. He looked exhausted, but he seemed to be hanging in there. The past week had really taken a toll on him, both emotionally and physically. She hoped that the following week would bring good news for a change.
"Any news on Amber?" It had been a couple of days since they'd last seen her, and she was beginning to worry.
"Naw...nothing. If you want my opinion, I don't think she's coming back. Not that she should come back."
"Casey, aren't you a little concerned about her? I mean, she doesn't really have any place to go now. It's not safe for her to go back home, and--"
"April, she made her decisions. Raph's right. She's nothing but trouble. Megan almost died because of her for chrissakes!"
April bit her lip and lowered her eyes to Mike. "I know," she said softly.
"Just look at what she did to him!" Casey added. "She did that to him, April. With her own hands!"
Tears began to stream down April's face. "Stop. Please, Casey, just stop."
Casey laid a hand on her arm. "April, I--"
"No, Casey. You're right. You and Raph...you're both right. If she would have just told Mike right away, maybe none of this would have happened."
"Damn right." Casey said softly.
April thought for a minute. "Then again...maybe it would have."
Casey looked at her in confusion. "Huh? What do you mean?"
"Baxter's the one that kidnapped Megan. He was the one in control. If the turtles would have gotten there sooner, who's to say that the same things wouldn't have happened? Baxter had control of Amber's mind. He's the one that made her hurt Michaelangelo. Who's to say that if they'd gone there sooner, it wouldn't have happened anyway?"
Casey thought about that for a moment. "Hmmm...maybe you're right. But one thing I know. Megan wouldn't have had Tenshi yet. And maybe she would have still been conscious when Raphael found her. Things would be different."
"I know." April said quietly. "It's just...well...it wasn't totally her fault. She had a demon controlling her mind. I don't think she would have hurt anyone on her own--"
"But we don't know that, do we?"
April stared down at Michaelangelo, and she could feel her heart burst.
The snow crunched softly under his bare feet as he walked, each step leaving behind odd looking two-toed footprints. He pulled the hat down lower over his eyes, and shoved his hands into the pockets of the long coat. He knew he shouldn't be out like this. It was hours until sunset afterall. But he'd needed some release, some time alone to think.
Megan had made it safely to the hospital, but he missed her desperately. The few minutes of time he'd gotten to spend with her before she departed hadn't been enough. He'd wanted to hold her for hours, to make love to her, to feel the pounding of her heart. But it was too soon. It would be at least a couple of months before he would get to experience that closeness with her again. But he told himself he could wait. She was alive. Nothing else mattered now.
He thought back to the emptyness she'd left him with when he thought she'd died. Leonardo had gotten him to open up a little the other night, if only for a couple of minutes. He still wasn't sure he liked that idea. It had gotten too intense, and he stormed out, leaving Leo to worry.
Only ten minutes ago, he'd been sitting with Leo again, telling him about that walk. He told him that he'd wanted to run away, to just leave everything behind. But he'd come to his senses. He knew he couldn't leave Tenshi, and it would be very hard on his son if he took him along. They needed eachother. They were the last connection either of them had to his mother.
What he hadn't told Leo was the extent of his pain. How his heart had been on fire. How it burned so much, he just wanted to kill himself, to end it all. He had come so close that night.
The timing was perfect. Not a soul was around, and the sliver of moon didn't shed much light on the world below.
He stepped up on the rail, his icy fingers almost slipping as he gripped it with shaking hands. An anger welled up in him so intense, he thought he could snap the thick metal in two. He took another step up, securing his feet on the second rung, and stared down at the deserted street eight stories below. It would be so easy. All he had to do was jump.
He closed his eyes, breathing in the chill wind that cooled his face. Slowly, he began to count down...10...9...8...
He opened his eyes. This wasn't right. This wasn't the way he'd always pictured it. Besides, it was dangerous. If he jumped, his remains would be found tomorrow morning, and news of their existance would spread like the plague. He couldn't put his brothers in that kind of danger. No, he had a better idea.
Stepping down, he turned his back to the rail. His breathing ragged, he pulled out one of his sai and held it up to the moonlight, taking in its glimmer one last time under a darkened sky. It would be quicker this way...cleaner. And it was the honorable way to go. He slowly, carefully, turned the sai over in his hand and lowered the sharp tip to his plastron. It would only hurt for a moment. And then, the pain...all of it, would be gone.
His fingers gripped the hilt, his hand sweaty as he began to force the blade further toward him. He could feel the tip of the metal begin to sink into the hard shell, and he sucked in a breath, anxious for its meeting with his chest cavity.
He wrapped his left hand around his right, providing more pressure for the kill. But as he pushed again, something stopped him.
An odd sense of objection overtook him. He dropped the sai and lowered to his knees, sobbing. "She's dead..." he cried softly. "She's dead and I can't bring myself to--"
"Everything will be okay." a voice in his head told him.
With tears streaming down his face, he stared up at the stars and cried into the night. "NOOOO!!!!"
"You don't want to do this, not really."
"God...it hurts!"
The voice didn't answer this time. But as he knelt there, a sense of peace washed over him, stronger than he'd ever known, and he sensed something else...a presence?
He burried his face in his hands and wept without restraint. The pain he'd been feeling had almost driven him over the edge, but he wasn't sure he wanted to feel better, either. For the first time in his life, he lowered his internal walls completely and allowed himself to just feel. It hurt deeper than he'd ever felt before, but it also brought relief.
As he knelt there, the presence grew stronger, and suddenly he realized what it was that was trying to comfort him.
"Megan." he whispered. He wasn't sure how, but he could feel her. And for the first time since he'd found her in the burning building, he allowed himself to accept the hope that was trying so hard to win.
He couldn't tell Leo about that. He wouldn't have understood. Where was the honor in suicide? In fact, he hadn't told anybody, not even Casey. And now that Megan had a chance, he knew he couldn't tell her either. It was something he'd keep with him for the rest of his life, and it was something he'd face alone.
Megan had been in the hospital for a couple of days now. The doctors were hopeful that she'd make a full recovery. Casey had one heck of a time trying to explain what had happened to her and why they couldn't see the baby.
As Raph thought about his family...his wife and son, he realized how lucky he really was. Life was too short to push those he cared about away. It was something he vowed to himself he would never do again.
"How's he doing?"
April glanced up, unaware that anyone had come into the room. She looked exhausted. "About the same, I guess. Though the color in his cheeks seems a little deeper today."
Leo kneeled down next to her and took his brother's hand. It pained him to see Michaelangelo in such a condition. His little brother who was always so full of life, was rendered silent and motionless. He felt helpless. He knew the situation was out of his control. All he could do was wait and hope, and he hated waiting. He hated feeling so out of control. His brother needed him, and all he could do was sit here and watch him slowly slip away.
Tears began to well up in his eyes as April laid a hand gently on his shoulder. "Leo," she said softly. "So much has happened in just a few days. But whatever comes of this, we're going to get through it."
"I know, April." he sniffed. He just wished he could believe that.
"How about this? You like this chair by the window?"
"Hmmm...yeah, that should provide adequate light for reading..."
Don dropped the chair and stared at Trevor. "Adequate? Where'd you learn a word like that?"
Trevor looked at him blankly. "From books."
Don cast him a skeptical smirk. "From books? You're ten years old. I didn't think books like the 'Narnia Chronicles' had such big words..."
"Narnia Chronicles? What's that?"
"You never heard of the--" Donatello suddenly remembered Trevor's entrapment in the attic, and he wondered how many months or even years the boy had lived a life of seclusion. "Did you have anything to read or do when you--when you lived with your dad?"
Trevor became quiet suddenly. Don swallowed nervously, feeling as though he'd struck a chord he hadn't meant to. But after a moment of silence, the boy lifted his head and pointed toward a small box on the floor. Don rose cautiously to explore the box.
He pulled out a tattered book and carried it back to the chair and sat down. He motioned for Trevor to sit on his lap, which he did without reluctance.
"This is the only book I had, so I read it a lot of times."
Donatello stared at the worn binding. The cover was so old and used, he couldn't make out the title. As he opened the cover, the smell of dust and mildew filled him with a sense of familiarity. Ahhh...the sweet smell of ancient books, he thought to himself.
He turned to the first page. "Okay, let's see...'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way--in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."
Don stared at Trevor in disbelief. "The Tale of Two Cities? This is what you've been reading?"
"Yes. Have you read it?"
"Well...yeah, of course, but--"
"I thought it was very fecund in its comparison with today's society. What did you think?"
Donatello's jaw nearly hit the floor. "I...I umm...what did you just say?"
Trevor stared at Donatello nervously. "Did I say something wrong?"
"No...heck no." Don answered quickly. "Just that...wow! I've never heard it put quite that way. Where did you learn all those fancy words?"
"From books." Trevor smiled.
Donatello was quietly amazed. He knew Trevor was special, but he'd never imagined him to be a genious. "You know..." he said, "I think we're gonna make a great team."
She could feel him approaching, but she didn't look up. Instead, she kept her eyes pinned to the fresh flakes of snow that were gathering on the legs of her jeans. A part of her hoped it would be Raphael's face that would appear in front of her, that he'd come here to tell her off, or beat her up...something. But the footsteps were too gentle, too practiced. It was as if she could only hear them because he was allowing her to.
"Amber..."
The voice made her jump a little. She hadn't expected it to be him. "Leo?"
He crouched down beside her, feeling the bitter cold of the snow stinging his feet. "Amber, I want you to come back with me."
She lowered her eyes. "I can't."
"It's freezing out here. You're gonna get pneumonia, or worse, hypothermia."
"I'll be fine." she insisted.
"Amber, April and I...well, we were talking, and we realize that everything that's happened...it's not all your fault."
She forced herself to look up at him, his face blurring behind her tears. "How can you say that? It was my fault. I didn't tell her I knew where you were. I didn't tell Mike I knew where she was. I helped Baxter carry out his plans, and I even...I--" She couldn't bring herself to speak about the ghastly thing she'd done to Michaelangelo. It was just too painful.
Leo laid a hand on her shoulder, which surprised her. "Amber, listen to me. Baxter is the real enemy. You were just a pawn in his cruel game. But he's gone now, and so is the spell you were trapped under. I know that there's good in you. Otherwise, you wouldn't be torturing yourself like this."
"I...I tried to make it better. I tried to make ammends--"
"I know."
"But the others...Raphael, Casey--"
"They'll come around." he said gently. "You have to understand. She means a lot to them...a lot to us."
Amber was silent for a while, and then said softly, "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"We all make mistakes Amber. All I ask is that you learn from yours. No matter what you've done, that's in the past now. You meant something to Mike...and we need your help to get him well. We can't do it alone."
"I wish...I wish I could turn back time...just do it all over again. God, I'd do everything differently. I never meant to hurt him, Leo."
"I know..." Leo put his arm around Amber and drew her close, allowing her to cry freely into his shoulder. He still wasn't sure exactly how he felt about her. No matter how remorseful she was, the fact still remained that she had nearly killed his brother. But, he was reminded of something Splinter had told him once - 'We can not to go back into the past to correct our mistakes, my son. Instead, we must learn from them, and journey forward toward the future, determined not to repeat them.'
Chapter 17 Coming Soon!