Nirvana

The Right Mindfulness...
It was a secluded hilltop. Darkness shadowed the land. A faint breeze was blowing, but not strong enough to deter him from his work. Donatello lifted the body carefully, laying it atop the enormous pile of wood he'd collected. He stood there for a long moment, staring at the face of the rat who had once loved and cared for him as a father. His face was so peaceful in death. He could only hope that his master was no longer suffering.

He began to chant a familiar Buddhist proverb. "Even the gorgeous royal chariots wear out; and indeed this body too wears out. But the teaching of goodness does not age; and so Goodness makes that known to the good ones."

He struck a match, holding it between his fingers, watching it numbly as it began to burn.

"You were always kind to me, master Splinter. You taught me about life and what it means to really love someone. You instructed me in the ways of honor. You gave me a home...a family. I will be forever grateful to you for all you have provided me. Go in peace. I will never forget you."

He lit the wood and stepped back, watching as the pile went up in flames. The heat from the fire washed over his skin, bathing him in warmth. The crackling sound of splintering branches echoed all around him. He closed his eyes, allowing the tears to fall freely down his cheeks as he let out a gut-wrenching sob. The night seemed to close in around him as his wails of anguish pierced the darkness.

"I gathered his ashes in an urn the next morning, and carried them to the highest hillside in Chihaya. As I set them free, a gentle wind carried them, spreading them out as far as the eye could see. I whispered a final farewell and gazed off into the distance. A lone tree dotted the hillside. Some of the ashes seemed to journey that way, falling to their final resting place beneath it. I decided to use that spot as his burial ground, the place I would return to when I wished to pay my respects. The following spring, new flowers bloomed where the ashes had fallen. I like to think that it's Splinter's way of telling me he's still with me somehow.

"I don't know much about reincarnation. Splinter taught us all about that sort of thing--his Buddhist beliefs, new life, the eight-fold path--but still, there is so much I don't understand. I admit, it's a comfort to believe that after we die, we can then be reborn to something new and better--a second chance if you will, but I don't know if I can truly grasp that concept entirely. It's weird...sometimes I feel as though my brothers are right here with me, guiding me, protecting me...almost as if I could reach out and touch them if I tried desperately enough. And then, in a rush of common sense, I return to the here and now and realize that it's simply not possible.

"Scientifically speaking, I have a hard time swallowing the idea that after we are physically gone, our spirit can enter a new body. The idea has always fascinated me however, and I've read many case studies on the subject. There are several supposed 'true life' stories about adults, and even children remembering past lives. But I have no memory of such things. Maybe I am doomed to a different fate than humanity. Perhaps there is no place for reptiles in that cosmic wheel. Yet then, why do some believe that they can return in animal form? Could it be that I am only experiencing my initial existence? That when I die I will get a chance to be reborn in a human body? Perhaps this life of hiding and poverty and anguish is only a test to prepare me for the wonders that lie ahead. I find comfort in those thoughts.

"Who knows what really lies beyond the here and now. When our physical bodies die, what happens to the soul? No one living has ever been able to discover death's secret. I hope Splinter is right though. I'd like to think that somewhere in this world, my brothers are thriving and growing, and that maybe, just maybe...they're happy.

"But perhaps there's a heaven, with one, all powerful God sitting on a throne somewhere in the sky, waiting for us all. A place where everything is perfect, and there is nothing but joy. When I die, I will be reunited with my family at last. That thought is even more comforting somehow. But I've been told that animals don't go to heaven. They have no soul to save. Would God then turn me away? And if there is a God--if he or she does exist, why does he allow such suffering?"

Don sat quietly for a moment, pondering the possibilities. There had to be an answer somewhere, there just had to be.

"In any case," he said at last. "it's been about a year since I've been up there last. My business has really kept me busy. I know that's not a good excuse. It's just that every time I go there, I'm reminded of...of everything. And I've tried so hard to forget, Chet. It's taken me years to put it all behind me. I didn't want to see the truth to what's happened. I didn't want to face my weaknesses, the faults of my brothers. But I know now that I was foolish. For the first time in my life, I've forced myself to face the things I thought were impossible to bear, and now I can finally understand the reasons, even if they are painful to grasp. Though they're dead and gone, my family has always come first. Perhaps I'll go there tonight after the sun sets.

"My biggest regret is that I never got a chance to tell any of them what they really meant to me. They were the most important things in my life. They made me who I am, and they are still very much alive inside of me. They will always be a part of me.

"Leo's determination inspires me. It gives me a reason to go on. Just as Mike had done so many years ago as he gazed up at the stars, I find myself looking to his memory for guidance and strength. Raphael's shortcomings push me to be wiser, to rise above his careless mistakes and think before I act. It is this ability to think concisely that has aided me in so many of life's little challenges. But he also taught me not to be afraid to be myself, no matter what anyone else thinks. Michaelangelo...he taught me to love myself, even when no one else can. He taught me to find the beauty in things around me, to love others unconditionally.

"I can now face the truth of my existence. My family--the brothers and mentor who were so much like me, so much a part of me--are dead, and I'm alone. There will be no one to carry on my lineage, no one to mourn for me when I'm gone. It's been so long since I've allowed myself the opportunity to grieve. I guess I should thank you, Chet. It was your A.I. program that brought about these memories to begin with."

^^YOU ARE WELCOME, DONATELLO...^^

Don grinned. So polite, too...

"You know...after Splinter's burial, I really began to feel sorry for myself. It felt as though with the spreading of his ashes, my entire life was sent asunder. I couldn't understand why, after all that had happened to me, I was forced to exist in such a manner. I had no one to talk to, nothing to keep my mind occupied during the long hours that filled the weeks ahead. I kept dwelling on the memory of my brothers, thinking about how wrong all of it was. How could they all have left me? How dare they die and leave me to mourn by myself? It wasn't fair, and as the days dragged on, I found myself slipping into a deep depression.

"I felt so completely and utterly alone. I was the last. No one would ever understand me again. I was an outcast, more so than I'd ever been in New York with my brothers. Everything I had ever known or loved was gone. I was forced to start over in a strange new land. Everything was foreign to me. I didn't know where to go at first, what to do. Splinter had told me before he died that I would find the way. I wasn't sure I believed that. At the time, I wasn't even sure I cared.

"I didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't go on without them. It felt as though I was just an empty shell, roaming about the earth aimlessly, without a reason or purpose. Quite simply, I wanted to die. I couldn't endure the pain of loss and loneliness that consumed me. It was like a cancer, eating away at me from the inside out.

"At first, I took up shelter in the wooded areas, seeking refuge among the trees. But soon I realized that the meager berries and occasional rabbit I found for dinner weren't enough to keep me going. The cover of the leaves and branches wouldn't be sufficient to protect me against the cold chill of winter. I had to seek shelter elsewhere if I wanted to survive. The question was--did I?

"I thought about my brothers, my sensei, the friends I'd left behind. I thought about them a lot. What would Leo, or even Raphael have done in my situation? They would have stuck it out. They would have carried on, because, quite frankly, both were too stubborn to give up so easily. Mike, he would have taken it very hard. Our deaths probably would have pushed him very close to the edge, but I think in the end, he too, would have persevered. He would have found some glimmer of hope somewhere--a treasured memory, anticipation for the future, and he would have picked himself up again. He would have kept going for us...for our memory, to keep that final piece of our existence alive. And so, I too, finally pulled myself out of my despair and moved forward.

"It was hard at first, agonizing. I became mindful of everything that Splinter had taught me. I remembered his words, his teachings about forgiveness, about getting out of life what I put into it. I still wasn't sure I knew what that meant exactly. Still, I pushed on, trying to find a purpose to my life, seeking out the answers I knew might never come.

"I think I finally understand what Splinter meant all those years ago. I've been blaming myself for things I can not change, events that were beyond my control. I've been accusing my brothers of leaving me, for doing things that caused their own deaths. Leo should have never lashed out at Raphael. He should have learned to control his temper. Mike shouldn't have gone out with Raph that night. I should have gone instead. If only Mike had let me go with them. But wasn't that why I'd loved him so much? He always put others before himself, and that attribute is what ultimately got him killed. Raph...damn him. To hell with all of the drinking and irresponsibility. He should have allowed us to care about him. Why couldn't he see what he was doing to us?

"And me...perhaps I'm the worst one of all. I didn't stop any of it. I tried--oh god how I tried...but...I failed. And now I'm the one still living. I don't deserve to be here. I did nothing to help any of them. I'm the one that should have lost his life."

Don sank into the sofa, sobbing softly. Anguish and loss and deep regret flooded through him. All of this time, he'd been blaming them for what had happened, when he should have been blaming himself.

Wait a minute...there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it...

The realization hit him, and he looked up, his cheeks glistening with tears.

"I couldn't have put an end to it. I didn't know how. Raph was Raph, Leo was Leo, Mike was Mike...they all reacted to things the only way they knew how. Just as I did. I can't blame them for what happened. I can't blame myself. Splinter used to say that nothing happens without a reason. Life is a ring--a never-ending cycle of twists and turns, life and death. It was their turn to die. It was inevitable. I doubt anything any of us did could have prevented it. Apparently, my work on this earth isn't finished yet. There has to be something greater I was destined to accomplish. I have yet to figure out what that is."

"Once I'd made up my mind that I couldn't hide out in the woods forever, I began to search for a house. It was interesting how I managed to find this place so effortlessly. I was strolling along one evening, all wrapped up in a sweater and coat, a hat pulled low over my eyes to conceal as much as I could, when I stumbled upon the 'For Sale' sign. It was a total dump, not much more than a broken down shack, still it was shelter, and at the time, it was a very beautiful sight. The lady who owned it spoke no English, so we had to discuss the particulars in Japanese, and she kept staring at me the whole time, as if she was worried that I had something to hide. I told her that I had been feeling ill lately, so I stayed bundled up whenever I was outdoors. She appeared skeptical, but she seemed to accept my explanation.

"The price she asked was fair, and actually very reasonable. She explained that her husband was getting ready to retire and they wanted to sell the house quickly. I paid her in cash, from Mike's book royalties. It's a real shame he didn't get a chance to enjoy all of that money, but I was sure he would want me to put it to good use. To me, that meant minimizing my vulnerability and maximizing my safety. Well...safety is a relative word I suppose.

"Once the transaction was complete, I moved in immediately. It wasn't much at first--small kitchen with worn out pipes, a bathroom that was barely big enough for a toilet and stand up shower, and I slept on the floor. Still, it was mine, and it was the closest thing to a real house I'd ever had. It definitely had its quirks, however. The plumbing needed to be totally replaced. I started to feel cramped in the small space. Some of the structure itself was beginning to wear out and crumble.

"I began to fix up the place. With the money I had left over from the purchase of the house, I bought wood, piping, paint, and various other tools and necessities. I worked alone, always in the shadow of night. It was grueling work, but it really paid off." He glanced around the room--at the large windows, the high ceilings, the immaculate kitchen, all of the electrical devices built into walls and countertops. "I built the perfect house. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be living above ground, out in the open, in a place as nice as this.

"Once my life was back in order, I hooked up my computer and got online for the first time in almost a year. I searched through job postings all over the Osaka area, wondering how I would ever fit in at a company filled with humans. Finally, I came to a decision. I'd start my own company--creating webpages, building databases, writing programs, you name it. I advertised all over the internet, so there was no need for personal, face-to-face contact with anyone. I opened a bank account and invested in stocks. My business flourished. Soon, I had more money than I knew what to do with.

"That's when I began to build you, Chet. All my life, I'd envisioned a creation like you--a sort of super computer that could do anything I asked it. Many times as a child, I laid awake at night, fantasizing about how great it would be if I had a computer that could take me far away, transport me wherever I wanted to go. You may not be that technologically advanced, but with your alternate reality programming, I can travel wherever I want to be without even leaving my living room. Heh heh...kinda funny when you think about it. God, I've lost track of how many computer systems just like you I've sold with that slogan. 'Travel the world, without leaving the comfort of your own home!' It must be in the thousands by now.

"As technology continued to develop at a rapid pace, I built a holo device to disguise myself on those rare occasions I had to venture into public. My trenchcoat and hat wearing days were at an end. It was such an exhilarating feeling to walk among humans and not be treated any differently than they. The contacts I met in person seemed most impressed with my ability to explain how things function so succinctly. They called me a 'people person'...geeze, if only they knew how ironic that was. I would bring models of my latest prototypes, and before I could even begin to explain what their function was, my clients were slapping money down on the table. My company was growing fast--almost quicker than I could keep up with. I had to buy an office building and hire employees. That building branched out into more, and soon, Hamato Enterprises became one of the most successful companies in the world. I had fame and fortune. I could do anything I wanted, be anything I wished to become.

"But for all of my success, I still felt empty inside. There was a void in my life that money simply could not fill. I missed them. It was hard enough to bear the days, when I was busy building and dreaming up new inventions and answering phones. The nights were even worse. It was then that I was alone with my thoughts...with that haunting quietness that reminded me my life was empty. I felt myself slipping into a deeper depression than before. I couldn't bear to be without them.

"I decided it would take something drastic to snap me out of my despair. I programmed all of my memories--the things on Raphael's video tapes, the entries in the journals, tidbits of nostalgia that I'd kept with me--into your memory, Chet. And as I did so, I was determined to erase them from my own. I knew I had to bury them, deep in the recesses of my mind and lock them up, never allowing them to surface again. If I did, I would certainly go insane. I didn't want to think about what I might do if I allowed them to torture me for much longer.

"It gave me peace of mind. I could now clear my head of all the haunting pictures of my brothers, while knowing that I would always have a place to turn if I ever felt the need to look back. I thought I had left it all behind me...that I was finally over what's in the past...until you brought them back to me. At first I thought it was a glitch in your programming, but now I realize that it's what I really needed. Now I can set things straight, say goodbye to them one last time."

"As cloning technology became more common placed, and new advancements began to surface, I started my research on regeneration and mitosis. How I longed to be back in my normal body without all of the metal and gadgets. I think it was better for my mental health as well. I'd seen too many deaths while wearing that armor. I wanted to remember the good times, before I'd been transformed, when we were whole--a family.

"As I've said, it was a grueling process, but one that I hoped would remedy my pain. With my physical transformation--the melding of my cells with theirs, I hoped my emotions and memories would be transformed as well. I was determined to put it behind me. My life was mine alone now. I would never go back.

"So I buried the past. Every time a memory would begin to surface, I'd throw it back into the abyss from whence it came. I would concentrate on something else--my projects, my work, current events--anything to make them go away and stop haunting me. Sometimes I saw them in my dreams, the four of us as children playing tag through the sewers. And Splinter was there, holding me in his lap with strong arms as he read me a story to chase away my nightmares. And there was April and Casey, the only two humans who had ever truly accepted us. I saw Shadow--playful, childlike eyes twinkling with mischief, hair hanging in golden curls down her back. I watched Mike read stories he'd written just for her, giving her rides on his back like a horse.

"I saw Raphael when we were young, before the anger and self doubt. I saw him smile. I watched him cry. I heard him sing. And his laughter became infectious.

"I felt Leonardo's doubt, the longing to please our master, to make him proud. I knew his insecurities. But he was happy inside--a sense of pride for his brothers, for himself.

"I saw myself. And in my eyes, I saw hope for the future. For a life that was unknown to me at the time. I felt my own innocence, burning like the distant wick of a candle, so much promise, so much to discover.

"I watched us grow. I felt our pains, our triumphs. I laughed when they laughed, cried when they cried. When I awoke, I felt nothing but despair. I had lost so much. Yet, now I know that they can never truly leave me. They'll always be here in my heart."

Donatello rose and walked to the window. How he enjoyed staring out at the world, looking at the colors of the newly blossomed flowers, studying the birds as they flew overhead, watching children play in the valley below.

He gazed out at the distant hillside, at the tree that flourished there, lush and green.

It's time to go, He decided. Splinter's waiting.