Nirvana

Enlightenment...
"I don't believe it..." Donatello breathed. "I can't believe it's really you!"

"Believe it." Raphael's voice was low, and so quiet it was as if it had been carried off by the wind. His hands were in his pockets, head forward, gazing out at the valley below.

The sun had just begun to set. They stood together on the hillside, watching the sky turn from blue to purple to orange. And as the sun faded from view, it left in its wake a dark emptiness that was slowly stretching its way across the sky. Don glanced at his brother, still unable to shake that sense of dreaded deja vu that held him speechless. Still, inside, there was an electrified ball of energy just waiting to be set free. Raphael was alive! Joy, such as he'd never known in all his life filled him completely, and it was all he could do to simply contain it, to hold onto it without letting it overcome him completely.

He glanced at Raphael, took note of how the yellow light from the setting sun highlighted the curves in his face, enhanced the deep gray of his eyes. The patch was long removed, shoved back into a pocket. Don could see the small marks of imperfection in the wounded eye--blood vessels and discoloration in the iris. It had never fully healed. He wondered how much his brother could see through that eye, if anything. Not that it mattered. They were Raphael's eyes, no doubt about that. And that realization confirmed that this really was his brother standing here next to him.

Tangible...tangible and real...

"What can you see?"

"Hmmm?" Raphael turned toward him, a look of puzzlement on his face. "What do you mean?"

"Your eye...you never had it repaired. Can you see out of it?"

"Ehh...yeah, a little. I see shadows mostly, shapes and silhouettes of objects. Kinda hazy."

"With today's technology, you could have that fixed in an instant. Why'd you decide not to have the surgery?" Donatello asked gently. He knew it was risky dealing with humans, but he also knew there were ways around their reptilian appearance.

"I--" He turned away again. "I dunno. I guess...it all seemed too painful."

Donatello had never known Raphael to cower from the idea of physical pain. "I've heard the procedure doesn't hurt--"

"No, Donnie..." He turned to him again with a look of sorrow and regret. "I mean the memories...the thought of erasing it all. If I fixed this," he pointed to his left eye. "if I erased the scars...well, it would be like erasing that part of me, too--those things that made me who I am, ya know? I couldn't forget that. I couldn't--"

Raphael choked on the words. Donatello could see the pain ignite in his brother's face, the way his eyes welled up with tears, how he bit his lip, trying to fight them back.

"Raph, I'm sorry..."

Donatello put an arm around his brother, pulling him close. Raphael allowed him to do so without even a flinch. Something about the scenario seemed so foreign to Donatello. This wasn't the angry, standoffish Raphael he'd known in their youth. Something had changed.

"No, Don." Raphael pulled away and turned to face him. "I'm the one that should apologize. I put you through hell. I...I just couldn't let myself openly show my thoughts and feelings. I looked at you and Mike, saw the way you wore your hearts on your sleeves...I could never do that. I'm not like you, Don. I couldn't allow myself to be vulnerable, because I was afraid. I was afraid of getting too close. Afraid of rejection...a--afraid of...losing you."

Donatello said nothing as he watched an array of emotions break out over Raphael's face. As he looked at him, it was as if he was seeing his brother for the very first time.

"I couldn't allow myself to be loved. I couldn't get too close, because then...if I ever lost you....no, I had to be stronger than that. I had to keep my feelings hidden. That was the only way I could survive. And yet, I lost you anyway. Damn, Don, I was so foolish..."

Donatello stared at his brother in amazement. He'd never seen him open himself up like this, not to anyone.

"God, Raph...I never realized..."

"Of course you didn't." He smiled despite himself. "I hid it all from you, pretending I didn't care, and I was pretty damn good at it, wasn't I?"

Donatello's mouth slowly curled up into a smile. "That you were, Raph. When times got tough, and everything seemed to crumble around us, that was the one thing I could always count on."

Raphael's smile faded. "You know...I never really told you...what you guys meant to me."

"Raph..."

"No, I need to do this." He took a deep breath. "It's too late to make things right. I know that. But I feel as though I've been given one last chance, and I don't want to blow it this time. I can't afford to lose you, Don. I...I love you. Life has been hell without you guys."

Don took Raph's hand in both of his. "I know, Raph. I always have."

They stood there, just looking into one another's eyes. Slowly, the hurt began to fade. Understanding sparked between them, and then, moments later, they burst into laughter.

Raphael pulled his hand away from Don's hastily. "Geeze, Donnie...you're my brother. And as much as I care about you, I just don't think it would work out--"

"Shut up, Raph." Don laughed.

For a few minutes, they forgot their troubles, all the past pain. Donatello allowed himself to enjoy the moment, to be happy. It felt so good to smile again. For a while, it was like old times--joking, laughing, embracing. But the moment faded quickly, and they were left with the burning questions--things they were afraid to voice, yet knew they must.

"Raph..." Donatello said at last. "What do you see when you look at me?"

He thought about that for a moment. "Well...if I cover my right eye..." he laid a hand over it. "I see a big green blob." He grinned, but the smirk quickly faded. "But I don't think that's what you mean."

"No." Don said softly.

Raphael took a deep breath. Don watched his brother eagerly as he eyed him, a deep frown creasing his forehead. He couldn't help but wonder if all that frowning was what caused the fine wrinkling around his eyes.

"Look, you know I've never been good at this shit."

"Yeah..." Don said quietly. "I know."

Raphael returned his attention to the landscape, searching himself for answers that seemed so out of reach to him.

"Don?" He asked at length.

"Yeah?"

"Did you really mean what you said earlier?"

"About what?"

"When you were talking to Splinter. You said you finally learned to forgive yourself."

Donatello stared at him in surprise. Just how long had he been watching him unawares?

"I...yeah, I guess I did."

"How?"

"How?"

"How do you do that? Forgive yourself, I mean."

"I don't know, Raph...I guess you just have to search yourself, to come to grips with what you've done that you can't--"

"I've done so much, Donatello." Raphael blurted suddenly. "I've killed people, I've pushed people I cared about away...I hurt you..."

"Raph..."

"I'm worse than a murderer. At least their victims don't have to suffer the emotional crap I put you all through. If hell exists, that's where I belong."

"Don't say things like that, Raph."

"It's true, Don! Look at what I've done, the kind of life I led. Leo offed himself because of me--"

Donatello closed his eyes. "Please don't say that, Raph. Please..."

"It's the truth."

"You can't know that. We can't know for sure that he isn't alive somewhere..." He knew from Chet's replays that this was most likely not true, but he was desperate for an answer to soothe his brother's grief.

"No, Don. He's dead. You know it, I can see it in your eyes. And I know it too. All this time, Don, I could feel you. I knew that I would find you somewhere if I just looked hard enough. But Leo...he's gone. He's--there's no trace of him. I don't feel him. He's never coming back. I can sense it in here." He pounded his chest with his fist, his expression growing even more solemn. "And Mike...poor Mikey. I--god, Don..."

Raphael broke into sobs, his knees giving way beneath him. Donatello latched onto him quickly, trying to keep him steady. Slowly, he lowered him to the grass, his own eyes filling with tears at the memory of their brothers. For a long while, they just sat there, engorged in sorrow, until one of them found the voice to speak at last.

"Raphael? Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?"

The turtle didn't answer.

"I see myself."

Raphael turned to him, a look of confusion on his face. "How could you possibly--"

"It's true. You and I...all of us...we were more alike than we ever realized. I was just as frightened as you were, Raph. Everyone looked to me for answers I simply couldn't give. And what if I messed up? What if I let everyone down? No...forget that...I did let everyone down."

"No, Don..."

"I couldn't stop it. I couldn't change what was happening. Still, I lived. And it didn't seem right. It wasn't fair." He didn't bother to stave off the flow of tears that were streaming down his cheeks.

"But Don, don't you see? You're blaming yourself for things that were my fault. I'm to blame for your self-torture too..."

Donatello shook his head. "No, Raph. It isn't like that. See, I've learned to forgive myself, just as I've learned to forgive all of you. We were all to blame to some degree, and yet none of us were. We were only reacting to the cards we'd been dealt. Some of us responded rather irrationally, yes, but how could you have known at the time where your actions would lead? You said yourself that you were trying to protect us...yourself. I can't blame you for that."

"But, Don, I--"

"No, Raph." Donatello grabbed him by the shoulders and looked at him forcefully. "You can't carry everything on your own shoulders. We all had a hand in the future. You have to accept that. You have to realize that you can't change things. You couldn't if you tried. What's done is done. And now we have to move forward. It's the only thing we can do."

Raphael was crying again.

The sun continued to set over the hillside, and they sat there in silence, gazing out over the landscape. It looked beautiful this time of day, a high contrast of light and dark shadowing the distant houses and treetops far below.

"Raph?" Donatello asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Tell me what you've been doing with yourself all these years."

The slightest hint of a smile appeared at the corners of Raphael's mouth. "You sure you wanna know?"

Donatello nodded. "Of course."

"Well, my life hasn't been nearly as exciting as yours, I'd imagine. Moved out to the Bayou. Been spending most of my time there, living in a little shack in the swamp. I hunt my food--rabbits and gators mostly. Nothing fancy, but it's pretty secluded. I live off the land. And it's beautiful, Don. Being out there among nature has given me a lot of time to think...about my family, myself...life in general.

"Every time I stare into the water, the reflection of myself reminds me of everything I've done that I wish I could take back."

"Raph..."

"No, it's okay, Don. Because, now I understand why I did what I did...why we all did what we did. We were a family, Don, and no matter how crazy of a family that was, we really did love each other."

Don smiled gently. "Yeah, yeah, we did."

"For years, I tried to put the blame on Leo. He always was my scapegoat, ya know. 'If Leo had never started that fight...', 'If only Leo hadn't tried to kill me...', 'If only Leo could have stayed out of my business...' But it wasn't him. It was me. I was the one in charge of my life. And just as I tried to protect myself from the pain, he was trying to shield himself from seeing me ruin everything we held dear. I didn't realize how much he cared about me. He was doing the only thing he figured he could. It was just...his way."

Donatello nodded. "We were all so different...yet, I've never known any four people who were so much the same."

Raphael smiled, some of the pain slowly slipping from his features. "Good ol' Donnie...forever the analyst."

"Yeah, well, good thing too, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today."

"I meant to ask you about your business. Hamato Enterprises, right?"

Donatello nodded. "It's not that big of a deal really..."

"Not that big of a deal?" Raphael stared at him in amazement. "Don, I've spent my life as a bum in the swamp for the past thirty-five years, and even I've heard of Hamato Enterprises! Geeze...your products are everywhere!"

Don blushed a little. "Yeah, well...I simply utilized what technology was available to me--"

Raphael shook his head. "You never cease to amaze me, Don. You know, I always knew you'd be successful. Nerd jokes aside, you were the one I knew would make something of himself."

"Thanks, Raph. That really means...well, a lot."

"Hey, it's the truth. So, what is this A. I. home computer system thingy I keep hearing about?"

"Oh, you mean Chet?"

"It has a name? Boy, Don, you really have been lonely, haven't ya?"

"Chet stands for 'Computer Home Enhancement Technology'. It's my greatest invention to date. See, it utilizes voice-commands, and administers them via the unmitigated memory system. All of the conventional domestic utilities are uploaded into--"

"Don..."

"--the mainframe and accessed globally to ensure that--"

"Don!"

He paused and looked at Raphael.

"In English, Donnie, okay?"

"Oh...heh...sorry...well, basically, all of your normal, run-of-the-mill household functions are pre-programmed into a central computer memory system. Each unit works on voice command, and will perform any basic command you give it. If something goes wrong, the central memory system in my own A.I. unit--that's Artificial Intelligence, by the way--will sense it and alert me of the problem immediately. That way, down time for the customer is minimal, and almost non-existent."

"Sounds like a big project."

"Yeah, it was, but one that has really profited for me. Chet's like my offspring--my baby. You want to see it?"

Raphael smirked at him and crossed his arms.

"What?" Don asked innocently.

The smirk evolved into a smile. "Never mind. Lead the way."

The sun continued its decent on the western horizon and faded behind the distant hills, bathing the land in darkness. Raphael paused and gazed up at the stars, just as he'd been doing every night for the past thirty years.

Realizing his brother was no longer following him, Donatello paused and turned around, looking on in silence as a smile slowly came to Raphael's face.

"Look at the stars." He smiled. "Aren't they beautiful, Don?"

Donatello approached him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Yes, they are." He said softly. "Every night, I look up at them from my window and think of our brothers."

Raphael wrapped an arm loosely around the back of his brother's neck and returned his gaze skyward. Donatello did the same, staring at the little pinpoints of light that stretched before him like paint on a blackened canvass. The night was exceptionally clear, and he could see the temperamental Scorpio, the innocent Pegasus, Sagittarius the teacher, and among them, perhaps shining more brightly than any other cluster of stars, was their leader, the great Orion.