Nirvana

The end of suffering...
The sky is jet black and unbelievably dark. The stars shine brightly in contrast, as if warning the inhabiting creatures of impending doom. They stand far below, in the deserted parking lot, oblivious to their heavenly guardians, however. For they have a much more urgent situation to deal with.

"You jackass!"

A flash of blood...

"Raph!"

A quick glimpse of a trenchcoat...

"Raph! Shit..."

The flash of light glinting off a chain...

Sounds of a struggle break out. There are too many of them. Too many for only one...

Yet he fights on, pushing every muscle, gathering all of his energy and power.

The crack of wood splintering bone, the muffled sound of bodies falling to the pavement. The other one struggles to open his eyes. He has to see what is happening. He has to get up, he has to try.

Another crack, a yell of pain...

His eyes scan the darkness. He can see it now...he can see...

"NO!!!"

"No!!!" Don bolted upright, his eyes opening wide in terror. He sucked in a breath, staring at the room's decor as if seeing it for the very first time.

"Shit." he whispered, lowering his face into trembling hands. "Shit, not again."

^^DONATELLO...ARE YOU WELL?^^

"I don't know, Chet...God, I don't know..."

He kept his eyes shut tight, listening to the nothingness that seemed to surround him. The chirping of birds in the distance finally disrupted the deadly silence. Lifting his head cautiously, he glanced toward the window where the bright oranges and reds of morning had already begun to light up the sky.

"Just a dream." he said quietly, rubbing his eyes. "I must have fallen asleep."

Rising to his knees on the floor, he wiped the beads of sweat from his forehead and glanced at the Liquid Crystal Display on the wall. The clock read six-thirty-two. From the looks of it, he had only slept for about a half hour.

"Chet..." The trembling voice that came from his mouth was not his own. It was high pitched, almost scratchy, and laced with a hint of fear. He cleared his throat, hoping to hide his worry and doubt. "I need some coffee."

^^AS YOU WISH, DONATELLO.  I HAVE ALREADY TAKEN THE LIBERTY^^

The rich, earthy aroma filled the air as a hot mug slid from a panel in the wall onto the counter. A plate, on which rested a steamy piece of toast, followed. Don smiled despite himself. He was really glad to have Chet around. Not only was it his only companion, but it was efficient and helpful as well.

With Chet around, who needs a wife?, he thought to himself. Yeah, right. Who'm I kidding?

He wrapped his hands around the mug, cradling it as he carried it to the table. The heat that bled through into his palms was somehow soothing. Although he wasn't very hungry, he went back for the plate and sat down at the table, breathing in the steam that rose from the mug. It reminded him of Michaelangelo. Now that guy could make a cup of coffee!

But suddenly his demeanor changed again, and he found himself even more depressed than before. As his head filled with images and memories of Michaelangelo, most of what he saw was joy and laughter. But the sorrow and grief he remembered far outweighed all of the happy times they'd shared.

He took a bite of toast and gazed out at the brightening sky. "Mike loved sunsets." he mumbled quietly. He lowered his eyes to stare into the coffee at his aging reflection. Chet made it black - no cream, no sugar, just the way he liked it. "You know that moment right after sunrise when the sky is a grayish-blue, and the bright orange of the sun has almost made its way over the horizon? The air is refreshingly cool, and if you look hard, you can still see the moon floating in the sky. Facing west, the light at your back seems unbelievably bright. That was his favorite time of day."

He realized that Chet, being a computer, couldn't possibly know what he was referring to, but it didn't matter. He was speaking more to himself anyway.

"It is pretty awesome. It's a lot like life. You face it one way, and all of your troubles, all of the bad things are behind you. Turn around, and you're suddenly blinded by them, as if you were staring directly into the sun."

He dropped the toast on the plate and rested his chin in his hand as another wave of sadness washed over him. "He was my little brother, Chet. He was innocent. It was so unfair! I--I wish it could have been me instead." He leaned over the table, resting his forehead on his arm. "Why couldn't it have been me?" he whispered.

There was a long moment of silence as Don reflected on all of the things he wished he could change. He still blamed himself for not being there when the others needed him. It was a guilt he had carried with him for a very long time. Finally, he rose his head and stared out the window at the pinks and lavenders that still highlighted the diminishing clouds. The sky was growing bluer by the minute. Soon the rainbow of colors would be gone, and the day would take over.

"I knew he was upset." Don sighed. "He tried to cover it up, but I knew he was having a hard time dealing with Leo's absence. Who could have known that a few weeks' sabbatical to the mountains would turn into months of worry and frustration?"

He paused for a moment to take another sip of coffee. "Poor Mike. He was so worried about Leo, and with Raphael...well, it was a mess.

It's amazing too, how much Leo overlooked." The mere thought of his brother made him want to cry. Things shouldn't have ended the way they did. He wished he could turn back time...just go back and do it all over again. He thought back to when they were just kids - about five years old at the most. Their heads had been so full of dreams and wishes back then. He couldn't help but smile as he remembered the failed invention he constructed out of a bunch of discarded wires and an old cardboard box. Maybe someday I'll build that time machine... His smile lingered for only a brief moment, before it slowly faded away.

"I could tell so much just by studying Leo's eyes. It was almost as if he was oblivious to what the rest of us were feeling toward the end. We were so mentally connected, yet there were times when he couldn't even see that one of us was in pain. It was especially apparent right before he left. It was almost like he was a different person inside." As he considered the many grueling possibilities, a shiver ran up his spine. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to remember the things he'd kept bottled up for so long, the things that hurt past pain, that clung to him like the very skin on his bones and refused to let go.

"But I, on the other hand, always knew somehow. While the others thought I was busy with my head stuffed in my books, I was watching them, learning from them, analyzing them. And it helped me to relate to what they were feeling, and better understand myself. I just wish that I could have found a way to tell them. Maybe then, things would be different."

Don thought back to a night long ago, the one that seemed to start the cycle of chaos that would become their reality for the next several months.

"Casey killed someone..." he sighed. "Not a member of the Foot, or even a murderer on the street, or a kidnapper...this was just a punk kid. He must have only been about fifteen years old. He was far from innocent. In fact, the kid belonged in juvenile hall, but the whole ordeal should never have happened.

Splinter had asked Casey to hide somewhere in Springfield so Leo, Mike and Raph could hunt him down. They had only three hours to find their prey, and if they failed, they would have to walk the entire way home. Even though the idea of the hunt was invigorating, this was a big task my brothers had before them. Little did we realize that the night would pose much more of a threat to Casey, however.

I remember that night like it was yesterday. When they returned, Mike recapped the entire chain of events for me. They finally caught up with Casey, but he wasn't alone. Our old police friend Nobody had gotten a hold of him. He'd seen everything. Casey admitted to killing the kid, but he claimed it was an accident, an act of self defense. I wasn't totally convinced at first, knowing what a hot-head Casey could be, but when I looked into his eyes, I could see that he felt terrible about the whole thing. In fact, he was really punishing himself for this.

Casey could be brutal at times. In fact, sometimes that guy could really piss me off. But, truth be known, he was no murderer. I think he learned his lesson that night, but he never was quite the same after that. He started drinking..."

As he spoke those words, a picture of Raphael flashed in his mind, and he nearly choked. The mere thought of alcohol always brought about that same haunting image. It forced him to remember things he'd rather forget...things that had drastically changed the life he once knew, stolen the things and people he'd loved.

He sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, forced the thoughts from his mind. It was getting more and more difficult to control his feelings as the time wore on. All of these memories were surfacing so quickly. He could hardly concentrate on any one particular thought, which was rare for him and almost scary. Still, he wouldn't allow himself to lose it. Not yet at least. Swallowing, he focused his attention on that night once again, and on the fate of his human friend.

"He went on a drinking spree--one right after the other until he puked, and then he drank some more. I hated seeing him like that. It was despicable."

Truth be known though, Donatello now understood what had driven Casey and Raphael toward the bottle. He'd considered it himself lately, on more than one occasion, when the pain became almost too much to bear. Still, he wouldn't allow himself to sink to that level. He’d experienced first hand what alcohol could do, and he’d studied its effects enough to know how dangerous it could be.

"He was rude, obnoxious, and just plain contemptible. And this lasted for the next couple of days. I was sitting on a log overlooking the river the following afternoon, contemplating the fractal structure of natural patterns in the ripples of the water, clearly minding my own business, when he approached. He started babbling incoherently at me, and I could smell the stench of his breath from halfway across the log. I tried to be civil, tried to keep him calm, help sober him up a little, but he would have none of it. He accused me of thinking that I was better than him, when in truth, I had never thought that. It was true that we didn't share many of the same views on the world, but in a way, I looked up to him, for his courage and self confidence. Right now however, he was merely irritating and irksome, and I had better things to do with my time than argue with an intoxicated buffoon. I told him to go home and sleep it off, but he accused me of judging him over the death of that kid. I tried to ignore him, but he refused to let up. He broke a branch loose from the log and came at me, poking and jabbing me with it, taunting me. I'm not one to lose my temper quickly, but finally, I'd simply had it. We battled right there, on the middle of that log, a talking bipedal turtle and a drunk vigilante. Heh...what a sight that must have been. God, what the hell was I thinking?"

Don couldn't help but smile a little at the memory. "The battle was over rather quickly, but I must say, even in that drunken state, Casey gave it all he had. Perhaps it was the anger guiding him, I don't know, but when he landed below in the river, a part of me filled with pride. Later, I couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt, but heck, he'd deserved it."

Don sighed and sipped his coffee, gazed out the window. "I can't pinpoint the exact moment that finally brought about the downward spiral of events. I believe that the shocking reality of that night could have helped trigger its beginning, but there was much more to it. A long chain of harsh reality had been gradually tearing us apart for years. It was only a matter of time until the strain became too much and the chain eventually snapped.

The every day stresses of life seemed to be weighing on each of us more and more as time went on. Even Master Splinter hadn't quite been himself as of late. With our constant bickering and the time spent away from home, his patience was running thin. And as everyone knows, even the calmest of personalities can ignite when provoked.

His conversation with April the next morning certainly hadn't helped things. I understand that she was beginning to feel unappreciated and trapped. It was a hard way of life for her, and we really didn't take the time to tell her often enough how much we really did need her. Being away from mainstream human contact was beginning to weigh on her. I can't blame her for that. She needed a chance to be with her own kind, to fit in. If I could relate to nothing else she was feeling, I certainly understood the idea of wanting to be accepted.

But Splinter also was beginning to doubt his value. Even though he never admitted it, I think our seclusion had a very strong effect on him. Casey and April were the only ones who had truly accepted us and considered us family. And now he was beginning to doubt the sincerity of that as well. His age was wearing on him, more so now than ever, and he felt like a burden on our human friends. I believe he felt guilty for bringing them into this life of seclusion and secrecy, and it didn’t help matters when April voiced her resentment for it the next morning. It became too much for Splinter. For the first time in my life, I saw my sensei’s strong thread of patience snap.

The result was a break-up. Splinter said little before he headed off for the woods. April took the next plane to California, and Casey...well, I'm not really sure where he headed first. Suddenly, the four of us found ourselves stranded. We'd been alone before, but this was the first time that Splinter had truly left us. There had been no explanation, just 'goodbye, see ya around.'"

Don stared down at his hands. He studied the fine lines and scales that made up the intricate pattern of his reptilian skin, trying desperately to push past the emotion that had choked up in his throat.

"I keep wondering what would have happened, where our lives would be right now if we’d never separated. I know it's foolish to look back. I know I can't change the past, but still, the thought nags at me. I don't know if I believe in destiny as Splinter did, but I'd like to think that everything happens for a greater purpose. God, do I wish I knew what that purpose was."

He let his sight fall to the empty plate, distracted by thoughts of honor and battles and fear. Shaking himself, he rose from the table. After setting the dish in the sink, he pressed a button on the wall's control panel, and a fresh, steamy mug slid onto the counter. He picked it up and carried it back slowly, studying the delicate pattern of red Japanese flowers that decorated the white porcelain, and reminded him so much of his deceased sensei.

"We weren't sure what to do...where to go." He said, taking his seat once again. "Leo decided it would be best if we went back to New York, back to our 'roots'. Maybe then we could make sense of all of this and figure out what to do next, just in case Splinter decided not to come back. It's funny sometimes how you can get so used to something, that before you even realize it, you start taking it for granted."

Mike gathered the blanket tighter around himself and hurried through the door of the small water tower as the gusting wind and stinging rain lashed at his back.

Don welcomed Mike back, watched him dry off. "Want me to take next watch, Leo?"

"Hmmm...?" Leo seemed preoccupied. "Yes...I suppose you should."

Don and Raph exchanged confused glances. "What's on your mind, Leo?"

Leo sighed. "This confusion...this lack of clear purpose...it weighs on me. Like the cold of the approaching winter, it seeks to paralyze me...and I can't seem to shake it--"

"Hey, loosen up, Leo...we can't have you quitting on us!"

"Not quitting, Don...accepting reality. Trying to come to grips with these two facts--we need to do something...and we don't know what the hell we're doing!"

Raphael shifted in his seat, and turned to look at Leo. "Maybe...maybe if Splinter was here...he'd know..."

"Maybe...and maybe not. It's time for us to grow up, Raph...time to accept our limitations, and time to see the world for what it is. Time to accept our true place in it. Maybe...time to turn away from all this."

Mike was surprised by Leo's words. He never thought he'd hear his brother back away from his promise to Splinter. "Leave? But...but...what about our duty? What about...honor?"

Leo shook his head. "Honor? Heh...I'm beginning to think there's no place for honor in this world. Greed...hatred...violence...the lust for vengeance...these are the primary motivators."

"What motivates you, Leo?" Raph asked.

"Lately...I don't have a clue..."

"From then on, Leo slowly began to change. It was hardly noticeable in the beginning. It started with little things--differences that were hard to see without the untrained eye. Of course, over the years, I had taught myself to be observant. To this day, I'm not even sure if Splinter realized the extent of his transformation. I think I bear that burden alone. I should have done something...but in truth, what could I do? I hadn't even been sure I wasn't imagining it all.

Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t that he was becoming a monster. On the contrary, if anything, he seemed to grow more lenient, less aware of the dangers around him. To this day, I cannot tell you what brought about such a drastic change. We all thought it a little strange that he was so eager to establish a peace treaty with Karai. She was the leader of the Japanese branch of the Foot Clan, a woman who we hardly knew. How could we even begin to trust her? Something about the idea nagged at me fiercely, but I knew I had to keep my confidence in Leo. I figured he knew what he was doing. Amity between our clans was a very well anticipated concept for me. On the other hand, the Foot was our sworn enemy, and Leo had vowed to Splinter that he would never turn to their side, that he would avenge his master's death and carry out the honor and codes our sensei had instilled in us. It was true that if we joined Karai in her efforts we would be presented with an opportunity to destroy the memory of Oroku Saki and end this war, but the fact still remained that Karai was a member of the same clan of people that had destroyed everything our master had known and loved, and made our lives hell. I certainly wasn't convinced that we could trust her fully. Seeing Leo cave in to Karai's wishes so readily was rather...odd. His decision to side with her wasn't a well accepted one."

Raphael stood against the wall, his arms folded in defiance. "What are you saying, Leo? We should ally ourselves with the damn Foot Clan?"

"I'm simply asking you to consider it as an option."

"But...we've been at war with them for years! They're our freakin' blood enemies!"

"Are they?" Leo asked gently. "If so, why? Think about it...think back. We're in this because...because..."

"Because of Master Splinter." Mike finished quietly.

Leo nodded. "Since we were children, Master Splinter taught us, trained us for one thing: to avenge the death of his master, Hamato Yoshi. Since that day--when we first killed the Shredder the threat of the Foot has circumscribed our lives...and through us, Casey's and April's lives too. Who can blame them for wanting to leave?" Leo asked sadly. "I know I can't."

The others just stared at him silently as he continued. "But now...now we have, with Karai's proposal, an opportunity...a chance to break this chain of vengeance and death...and reclaim our lives."

Mike spoke for them all when he asked, "Leo...what would Splinter say?"

"I'm unsure..." Leo answered. "I would gladly die for him...but...I don't know if I can give him my life."

"It bothered me that Leo had taken such a stand in this matter, but in a way I understood. We had given seventeen years of our lives to our sensei with little thought about our needs and wishes. And all of the bloodshed, the fighting, the fear for our very existence--it weighed on me heavily. Still, I protested. Leo was always recapping the ideas of honor for us, so I thought this ample time to remind him of our promise to Splinter. He agreed wholeheartedly, but I could still see that something had changed for him. For a moment, he seemed almost as confused as the rest of us. Everything was transforming so rapidly around us, I wasn't even sure what was right myself anymore.

But in the end, we followed Leo's lead--because, he was afterall, our leader. Besides, we had faith in him. In his heart, he always tried to do what was right, and this time would be no different. There was no one else to turn to for advice anyway. Master Splinter was gone, and we weren't even sure if he was ever coming back. This was our chance to utilize the wisdom he'd bestowed on us. The decision was ours alone. I just prayed that we made the right one."

Bodies...bodies everywhere. Slain Foot soldiers lay strewn in heaps across the floors. Leo could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the urgency gripping him.

God, what if they've done something to Karai...?

Faster and faster they rushed through the building, nearly slipping on the blood that oozed out of the silent corpses. Donatello felt utterly sick. He wanted to leave this place, to close his eyes and never look back.

All of this death...all of the blood...

"Karai, are you alright?"

She was kneeling on the floor cradling a teenage girl in her arms, her face full of misery and pain. Mike stared in concern at the wounded girl, felt something tug at his heartstrings when he looked into the female ninja's face.

"Your aide...is she...?"

"No" Karai's voice was weak and filled with emotion. "Not just my aide...She was my only daughter. A child!" She closed her eyes allowing the tears to force their way through, spilling over her delicate cheeks. "Swear to me you will kill them...swear to me you will kill them all!"

Leo stared at her for a moment, at war with his own emotions. The time had come to make the final decision. If they sided with Karai, they would break the bonds of rivalry, possibly forever. A part of him craved for this peace. Yet he remembered what his master had said about honor. Would this treaty be honorable to Splinter? He had to remind himself about what they were fighting for--to destroy all memory of their enemy, Oroku Saki.

He stared into her face, his eyes darkening. "I swear it."

"It was a bloody battle that lasted many grueling hours. So much blood was shed and so many lives were lost. Our adversaries were quick and precise. They held the skills of true ninja warriors. In the end, however, I was confronted with the last of the Elite. He seemed to be the strongest of the bunch, Oroku Saki's right hand man. Exhausted and wounded, there wasn't much I could do to stop him when he crept up on Karai and pressed a sword to her neck. I could hardly move with my broken leg, and even if I had been able to walk, I was too far away to reach her on time..."

Don swallowed and closed his eyes. "There was a gun nearby. I knew it was her only chance. Concerned more for her safety than anything at the moment, I picked it up, and before I knew what I was doing, I had filled him full of bullets. He fell back on the pavement, and all I could do was stare at him in horror. Finally, returning to my senses, I dropped the weapon and looked away. God, I hate guns."

He took a long drink of the coffee, savoring it as if he hadn't consumed any liquids for days. He emptied the mug and pushed it aside, his thoughts drifting to times long past.

"The death and destruction was finally over. Karai vowed to keep the treaty of peace between us. She would return to Japan and continue her leadership in the Foot. We wished her well, and finally, emotionally worn and physically wounded, we left the city behind us."

"We headed back to Northampton with the deaths of the Elite fresh on our minds. It was a hard time for me. I kept thinking about Leo's words, how Splinter had raised us solely for the purpose of his own vengeance. It didn't seem right. There had to be more to it. And as we journeyed back to the long forgotten farmhouse, I couldn't help but wonder about what had become of our sensei...and April and Casey for that matter."

Don stared out again at the light of day. The sky was a vivid blue, clear expect for a few vague clusters of puffy white clouds. A gentle breeze played with the plants outside his window, and as he studied their dance, he thought about his old friends once again.

"It was weird how we managed to meet back up with them. It was as if the hand of fate had drawn us back together. After tossing our few belongings into the abandoned farmhouse, we headed down to the lake for some much needed relaxation. This time of year, the area was mostly deserted, and we were free to roam about freely and do what we pleased. It was great not having to live up to responsibilities, if only for a little while. I don't think Leo was ready to find Splinter yet. He was still fighting an internal battle of his own.

'Hey, what the heck is that?'

Raph turned to Mike. 'Huh?'

'That...out there on the water.'

Leo's eyes followed Mike's pointing finger to an area of the lake, not more than fifty yards away from us. Raph and I exchanged worried glances. There was definitely something out there, and it was moving.

'Shit!' Leo said suddenly. 'Everyone take cover. We've probably been spotted!'

Mike ducked down behind a large boulder at the water's edge, Raphael climbed a nearby tree, so quickly, I almost couldn't tell where he had gone. I found solitude on the side of a grassy slope, and Leo sank silently into the underbrush.

It was silent. There wasn't a sound except for the chirping of birds and the faint splashing of water from the person in the lake. I sincerely hoped we'd found shelter in time. After a few moments, I felt safe in the knowledge that whoever was out there seemed totally oblivious to our presence. I peeked my head up from my hiding place and glanced at Leonardo. He stood as motionless as a statue, serious eyes peering out through the maze of twisting vines and branches.

The rustling of leaves above my head startled me. I glanced up quickly. In the shade of the tree, I could barely make out the silhouette of Raphael's dangling feet.

'Hey!' he yelled. 'It's April!'

We were really surprised when we realized it had been our human friend swimming around in the water all along. My brothers hurried to the water's edge, as stealthily as the ninja they were, and dove in. I stayed back, naturally, seeing as how I really couldn't run or swim in my condition. I watched eagerly as they sank out of view. She was totally oblivious to their presence. I can still hear her screams as they pulled her underwater. Only seconds later, she resurfaced, and was tossed up into the air by three green pairs of outstretched hands. Casey almost had a coronary."

Don grinned. "We were together once again. I think it amazed April that we had come back. We had all come to accept the fact that we might never see eachother again. What was even more astounding was the site of Casey, cradling a baby in his arms.

Casey explained that the baby had belonged to a woman named Gabrielle. I could see in his eyes that he'd cared for her. They'd only been together a few short months when they'd decided to get married. Their relationship was short-lived, however. Gabe died in childbirth, leaving Casey to father his stepdaughter alone. I don't know what he would have done if he hadn't met back up with April. She was great with that kid...treated her like she was her own.

Casey decided to name her Shadow. I believe her namesake was a dedication to her mother. Of course, Mike liked to think that “Shadow” was a tribute to us and how her life would be now that we were all back together--hiding in the shadows, living a life of secrecy. In either case, the name seemed to fit her quite well."

When we finally met back up with Splinter, I decided to stay with him in the seclusion and quiet of the woods for a while. My mind was still plagued with hundreds of questions about our teachings, about honor, and above all else, life and death. I craved answers. I had to know the real reason behind our training. Why had we been forced to endure such a hard life with such difficult decisions? Was it only about revenge, or was there more to it? It was an awkward conversation, but one that I could not back away from. I had to know, no matter what the outcome.

'But Master, I don't understand.'

'You will in time, my son.'

'But why? Why do we have to kill people?'

'It is not something I prefer to do, Donatello, but sometimes it is a necessity for survival. I have taught you the ways of ninja...raised you in it so that you might protect yourself against your enemies. For there are many.'

It was difficult for me to voice it, to think that my words might dishonor my master, but it was an idea that had stuck with me for quite some time. 'You taught us the martial arts...you trained us for thirteen years, so that we could seek your vengeance.' My tone was more accusing than I had meant for it to be.

Splinter lowered his head, stared into the tiny pinpoints of flame that dotted the wicks of the surrounding candles. All was silent for many minutes until he finally spoke, his eyes still fixed to the light of the fire.

'When my master was murdered, vengeance was all I had left, Donatello. Do you not realize that it was my honorable duty?'

Now it was my turn to grow silent. Of course I knew all about the code of honor. And I had no idea of what it must have been like to lose the only parent, the only master he had ever known. I couldn't fathom the idea of losing Splinter. He was all we had in the world. Still, Leonardo's words stuck with me. We had been trained for most of our lives to be murderers. It hadn't stopped at Oroku Saki. It branched out into the Foot, and from the Foot to sanctions of the mob. It had even carried over into the streets. When would it end? Where would the line be drawn? It seemed a crime to me that with each slaughter, the killing became easier. It was almost as if we had become totally desensitized to it.

'Yes, master Splinter, but what about all of the innocents? The ones who weren't even sure what they were fighting for?'

He laid an aging hand on my shoulder and looked me in the face. It was an awkward moment. I could see the sorrow in his eyes, and I felt the guilt that comes only from blaming a parent for something vile and unspeakable. Yet I had disclosed the truth about my innermost feelings. I could only hope that my honesty would amount for something.

'Not one day passes in which I do not think about the souls of the lost, my son. But as the cycle of life ever turns, death falls on those it may. Those who lost their lives did not do so without purpose. Nothing happens without a reason.'

I didn't particularly like his answer. I understood the ideas he was trying to instill in me, but that didn't validate the reasoning behind their deaths, at least, not in my mind.

'Oroku Saki had many allies. We cannot hold ourselves responsible for the conscious choices they decided to make. They chose their path in life just as each of you have chosen yours...'

Chosen our path? How was it that we had ever gotten a say in how we would live our lives? It angered me that Splinter said such things. Nothing in our lives had been put before us to decide. Our fate was sealed from the day we'd made contact with the mutagen, to our first battle, and even until the day...well...until the time we separated.

'Donatello, one of the major teachings of the Buddha is that everything that exists has a nature to be born and a nature to die. There is not one thing that does not have a beginning or an end. Such is the way of life.'

An eery feeling crept over me. I couldn't even fathom the idea of my own death, not to mention that of my brothers or Splinter. Yet, I knew he was right. Maybe everyone was destined to spend an exact amount of time here, and no matter what happened, where our paths led us, we would die when it was our time.

'It is our place in this existence not to question, but to learn from our mistakes and successes, just as we may learn from those of others.'

I looked at him warily. 'Yes, I know master, but as I try to learn from this, all I can think about is the fact that I had a hand in so many deaths. Who am I to take the life of another? Hell, we don't even know anything about those we've killed! Who were those people really? What did they do in their spare time? Did they have families? Kids? God, Splinter...what if they had kids?'

The sorrow seemed to deepen in those brown eyes, and I felt another tinge of guilt. We both realized that I was accusing him. But just what exactly was I accusing him of?

'Donatello, do not blame yourself for preserving your right to live. Your opponents would have done the same if given the chance. I cannot change the path I have set before you. Only you can decide what direction your life will take from here. I only wish that I had not had to raise you for such selfish purposes. I would have never done so if there had been any other way, my son. I can see what sorrow it has brought to you...what struggle. But alas, we cannot change the past, nor can we alter what is destined for the future. Our only option is to live our lives the best way we can and to try to do what is right.'

I knew there was no more arguing over this. Splinter had made his point. Besides, my head was too full of conflicting ideas to think straight. Swallowing, I stared into the fire and nodded my head. 'Yes, Master.'

But it wasn't myself I blamed."

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down..."

The music poured from the speaker as the small crowd of smiling spectators gathered around to watch the evening's entertainment. Mike held his arm around Shadow's waist and dragged her swiftly to the center of the living room floor. He closed his big stocky hand around her tiny one and whipped her around in a dramatic circle. Shadow let out an unrestricted giggle as her feet left the floor and she was spun around and around by Mike's strong arms.

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down...

He brought his other hand to her waist, gripping it, and slid her down between his feet, then jumped in a turn to scoop her back up again. Shadow's laughter rose, taking April away from her busy preparations in the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about. She made her way to the living room, stopping when she spotted the crowd that had gathered. She stood in the doorway for a long moment, watching them in silent wonder.

Where'd he learn to dance like that? Mike had the little girl up on his shoulders now and was deliberately dramatising every step, causing her to bounce and teeter around his neck. April smiled to herself. And the way he is with Shadow...

The little girl held so much faith in him. It was almost as if just a simple heartwarming smile, just a gaze from those dancing eyes, or a lighthearted joke could take away even the worst pain or hurt. She only hoped that as Shadow grew older, that solid faith in him wouldn't let her down. She hated the thought of seeing her heartbroken. There were advantages to knowing their special friends, but there were so many drawbacks as well.

She pulled her eyes away from the laughing pair, spared a glance at Casey. He was watching the dancers intently, and when he finally returned her gaze, the unmistakable sparkle in his eyes spread, lighting up the rest of his face. Casey was, of course, a kid at heart. Through that rough and tough exterior beat the heart of a genuine puppydog. She knew what he was thinking. They had been considering the idea of having more kids for a long time. In truth, the only thing really holding her back was the fact that they weren't married. Casey could be irresponsible and as rash as Raphael, but he was a decent father. He loved Shadow and made sure she was happy and safe.

"I take a whisky drink, I take a vodka drink, I take a lager drink, I take a cider drink..."

At the mention of alcohol, Leo couldn't help but turn his eyes toward Raphael. He better not... he brooded silently. Not tonight.

"I sing the songs that remind me of the good times, I sing the songs that remind me of the better times..."

Shadow was back in Mike's arms. He was spinning her around and around, growing wearily dizzy, but he couldn't stop, not when it was bringing Shadow such joy. As the room circled maddeningly fast around him, he saw April’s smiling face, then her back as she retreated again to the kitchen.

Donatello sat at the table, chin in hand. As he watched the dancers in silence, a slow grin spread across his face. Michaelangelo was such a ham. Yet, he couldn't deny that his brother held a certain charisma that seemed to draw people to him. Mike was eloquent, quite the charmer. If he'd been human, Don was sure that the women would be swarming around him. That was just Mike's way. It was a natural born gift, just as science and knowledge had been his own. He had to admit to himself that he was a little envious, not for reasons someone might expect, but for the mere fact that his brother had such a carefree outlook about life. No problem was too big to handle. He, on the other hand, took stock of every obstacle. He had a compulsive need to dwell on the problems and complications that arose, to discover new and better solutions. There were so many things to explore, so many things he still knew nothing about. Life was too short to waste on fun and and games, not that he didn’t like to have fun. There was a limit, however. Knowledge...that was the key.

"Okay, who's ready to eat?" April appeared in the doorway cradling a cake in her arms which was dotted with four tiny flaming candles.

Mike jumped at the offer of food and hurried toward her. "I do!"

Raphael snorted and shook his head. Good ol’ Mikey...always so predictable.

"Hey, me foost. I'm duh birfday gull!" Shadow protested.

Mike turned to her and smiled, a slight hint of mischeviousness at the corners of his broad mouth. Quickly, he scooped her up in his arms and brought his fingers to her ribcage.

"Oh, is that so? Well...you know what birthday girls get? Birthday tickles!"

Shadow giggled and squirmed wildly. April watched them intently, nervous that he might accidentally drop her. But Mike was careful. If there was only one thing in the world he was serious about, it was her safety.

The others gathered around hungrily as April set the cake on the table. The four turtles had many birthdays behind them, but almost none with cake and presents. This was a luxury for them as much as it was for Shadow.

Casey flicked off the light and everyone gathered around the kitchen table to present their very unappetizing rendition of Happy Birthday.

"Okay" April announced. "Make a wish!"

The little girl closed her eyes, squeezing the lids tight in concentration. After a couple of silent moments, she opened them and blew as hard as she could on the candles. They sputtered out with one breath. She smiled shyly at Mike, who threw her a wink and a smirk. For only he shared her secret wish that Casey would marry April.

"It was a long night. After stuffing our faces full of cake, playing the usual party games (which Raphael turned his nose up at naturally), and Mike's romps around the house playing 'horsey' with Shadow, everyone was exhausted. Shadow had gone to bed for the night finally, and the four of us stuck around for a while to chat with April and Casey."

As Don thought back, a sense of dread overcame him. "It's too bad how quickly the happy times fade, Chet. One minute you're with your family, and you're so close, so rhapsodic that you feel as though nothing can ever hurt you. But the next, something unexpected grabs you by the throat, and the world turns upside down."

"It's a game." Casey said bluntly. "You do know what a game is, right Leo?"

Raphael grinned. "A game to Leo is seeing how many katas he can do before passing out."

Mike snickered.

Leo just gave Raph a look. "Very funny." He turned to Casey. "So, how do you play?"

"Simple. We each have three cards...one that says 'Yes', one that says 'No', and one for 'Maybe'. Then, each person is asked a question, and we have to pick which answer we think they'll give. If we get it right, we get a point."

"Sounds simple enough." Don said, taking his three cards.

"Don, you go first."

"Hmmm...? Why me?"

"Because, Mr. Brainiac. We want to get in your head and see what makes you tick." Raph gave Don an evilly mischevious look.

"Fine. Whatever." Don watched indifferently as Casey picked a card.

"Okay...let's see...aw, this is too easy..." Casey frowned at the card. "If your family was hungry, would you steal food for them, even though you knew it was wrong?"

Don smiled. "No. I would come over here and ask you two to spare some."

"Yeah, but...what if they weren’t here, Don?" Leo asked. "I think what it's asking about is if you were all out of options."

Don thought for a minute. "Well then...yes. Though it technically wouldn't be stealing. I would be simply procuring such items out of need for sustenance. I would most certainly replenish the supply once our monetary situation was restored."

Raph frowned at Donatello in agitation. "WHAT!?!?"

Donatello smiled at him indignantly. "Exactly. Next?"

Everyone moaned as they stared at the cards they had chosen for his answer, trying to figure out if they’d guessed correctly.

Raphael rose shakily to his feet. "I need another beer."

Leo frowned at him, that sense of dread coming over him. He wished he was sitting next to him so he could grab his wrist and make him sit down. "Raph, don't you think you've had enough?"

Raphael folded his arms, taking a defensive stance. "No, I don't Leo. And you're not my parole officer, so back off."

Leo sighed in anger as he watched Raphael open another can and sit down. Although the alcohol hadn't yet affected his speech, his demeanor had definitely been altered. It seemed to mellow him out a little, which was one effect Leo almost appreciated. But at the same time, when Raph was drunk and angry, it could be a lethal combination.

"My turn then?" Don grinned. He did so love confusing them. He looked from Leo to Raph, then back to Leo again. He took his card quickly, hoping to continue on with the game before a fight ensued. "Okay...this question is for Leo. If you were offered a million dollars to cheat on your spouse just one time, would you do it?"

Leo didn't even need time to think, but he waited a few seconds for the cards to be chosen. "No, of course not."

"Yeah, like hell..." Raphael mumbled under his breath.

"What was that?" Leo's eyes darkened, his face twisting into an annoyed frown.

"Oh, come on, Leo. You mean to tell me that after all the shit we've been through, after all those times we didn't even eat for days at a time, that you would actually be stupid enough to pass up that money?"

"I guess that's the difference between me and you Raph. I have a sense of morals and dignity."

Raphael interpreted those words as a threat. He jumped to his feet, his head already dizzy from the effects of the seven cans of beer he'd consumed in the last two hours. "Don't talk to me about morals and dignity, Leo. You can't even begin to understand what I think about the world."

"No...you got that right." Leo also rose to his feet and moved toward his brother, their beaks almost touching. "I can't begin to fathom how someone like you could do things without any thought about what the outcome might be, or the effect it could have on someone else."

Raphael was seething now, his eyes lit up with internal fire. As he breathed lividly, Leo could smell the stench of the alcohol on his breath, and it infuriated him even more.

"You know what your problem is, Raph? You're reckless. You don't think. All you care about is what Raphael wants. Who cares if what you do hurts those who care about you? As long as you get your way."

Without another word, Raphael sprung on him. They fell back into the middle of the circle, disrupting the game, and sending cards everywhere. April gasped and jumped back out of the way as their limbs flailed wildly. The others were stunned for a moment, unsure what to do. They knew this couldn't go on, but none of them wanted to join the fray. Casey took a step toward the brawlers, thinking that maybe if he reasoned with them...his idea was short lived though. These two meant business. He quickly decided to sit this one out. He didn't think his boss would appreciate him coming into work tomorrow with a black eye.

Don watched them nervously. The idea of them killing eachother crossed his mind. He glanced at Mike who seemed to share the same worry. Reluctantly, the two of them approached and attempted to separate the fuming fighters.

"It was so stupid." Donatello sighed. "It seemed as though we couldn't get through one day without the two of them at eachother's throats. Leo's usual self discipline all but vanished when the two of them started arguing. I think Raphael had worn on his nerves for so long, he couldn't contain his anger any more, and in fact, no longer wanted to.

Raphael had a problem. No matter what he knew about the world, he simply could not accept the fact that he could not do as he pleased. Despite his appearance or what he was, he refused to acknowledge the fact that these differences should restrict him from having a normal life in a human world. But as his cravings, his simple needs for an ideal life went unfulfilled, he turned to alcohol. It started with a casual drink here and there, but it soon blossomed into nightly consumption and abuse.

There'd been many a heated argument between he and Splinter. For Raph believed that life was suffering. And even as he sought to change the invariable path of his existence, he knew in his heart that he could never be happy.

Splinter tried to explain the ideas of nirvana to him, the state of achieving total peace with himself and the world around him, but he mocked those beliefs. To him, happiness was having things his way, and when he didn't get them, he sought out other ways to fulfill his wishes.

He'd been getting steadily worse as time went on. Leonardo had just about enough of it. Most days ended with the inevitable nightly argument, and at times, depending on the extent of Raphael's drunkenness, physical fights."

Donatello felt a spasm of horror travel through him. "God...that final night...that fight when Leo--" He choked on his tears, unable to finish the thought. Closing his eyes, all he could see was the horrifying red thickness of blood.

The events retold about Casey's murder of the kid and his log battle with Donatello were taken from Mirage comics #48 and 49. The flashback conversations in the watertower, the discussion about allying with the Foot, and the dialogue with Karai, as well as the recap of Don killing the Elite soldier and the part of the water scene where the turtles said 'hello' to April were all taken from Mirage's "City at War" series.

All other dialogue, action and plot, along with the ideas for this story were created by and are copyright of Dawn M. Coll, 1999.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, above mentioned comics, and all characters depicted are © of Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird, 1984.