Nirvana

The Right Speech...
"I can't believe you, Raphael! Look at this mess! Look at what you've done!"

"Get off my back, Leo! It's none of your business!"

"Like hell! What if Splinter had come in here, huh? What then? Maybe I should go tell him? Inform him that one of his sons has betrayed us and now our lives are in danger? I'm sure that would go over real well..."

"Look who's talking..."

"What...?"

"You heard me. I said, look who's talking! Oh, wait--maybe Pimiko's the only one off limits. It's okay to have your way with Karai because she was a person of power. Top dog with the Foot Clan and all that shit. Or maybe the favorite son gets special privileges. Is that it? No, wait, don't tell me...Karai gave you money to sleep with her--"

"Raphael, shut up!"

"Make me!"

Leonardo growled, his face twisting up in a mask of anger. He'd had just about enough of Raphael's sarcastic stubbornness, and he was more than fed up with all of their constant fighting. "Don't make me turn this into something ugly, Raph..."

Raphael was silent for a brief moment as the rage continued to flare up inside of him. The anger burned so intensely, he felt as though he might explode.

"Pimiko is the enemy, Raphael! Don's a cyborg, and your face was fried because of her. And we almost lost Splinter for godsake!"

"Look Leo, you don't understand what went on between the two of us. I was trying to establish peace between us..."

"Looks like your tactics were a little strong..."

"No stronger than yours it seems..."

"What happened between Karai and I is none of your business!"

"Then maybe you should stay out of my business, Leo! You're always sticking your beak where it doesn't belong. That's the real reason why Karai can no longer lead the Foot. She's been disgraced because of you! Hmmm...I guess you weren't exactly skilled in that department, huh? Maybe some of her superiors found out and--"

"Shut up, Raph!"

He could see Leonardo's chest heaving, even through the thickness of the plastron. Good, he smiled to himself. I struck a nerve.

Leonardo took several deep breaths before he was composed enough to finish the conversation. When he finally began to speak again, his body was a reflection of calm and control. Inside, however, he was raging.

"Look Raph, you can't possibly compare the two. Karai was an honorable ally. We were all fighting for the same cause!" He took another breath, his voice lowering to almost a whisper. "At least she meant something to me. Pimiko...god, Raph, what the hell were you thinking?"

Now it was Raphael's turn to get defensive. "How the hell do you know what Pimiko does or doesn't mean to me? I don't have to explain myself to you! It's my business. Anyway, it's over now, okay? We'll probably never see her again..."

"I can't believe you let her go!" Leo practically screamed. The intensity of the moment seemed to overweigh the calm control he was trying so hard to maintain. "Now she knows where we live. Again. She could come back with reinforcements, and Splinter's too weak to--"

"She ain't coming back here." Raphael insisted. "She has no reason to. She has no one to back her up now. The kunoichi are long gone, the Foot have been taken over. It's over, Leo. It's done with, and no one else even knows she was here!"

"She better not show her face here, Raph." Leo moved so close to him, their beaks were almost touching. Raphael could feel the warmth of his breath on his face. "Cuz if she does, I'll kill her myself, and I'll tell Master Splinter what happened here, how you put all of our lives at risk."

Raphael shoved him hard. He staggered backward, barely avoiding a nasty fall. "Get outta my face, Leo."

The strong aroma of liquor invaded Leonardo's senses, and a choke tightened in his throat. The creases in his forehead deepened as his anger continued to rise. "God, Raph...how many beers did you drink!?" He glanced around the room at the cans again. He counted at least a dozen scattered here and there, all of which were empty. "You're drunk, aren't you!? Dammit, Raph! When the hell are you gonna stop hiding behind that friggin' bottle, grow some balls and learn to face life?"

Raphael was getting dangerously close to the breaking point. "Lay off, Leo!"

"No. It's about time you learned some responsibility for your actions. You need to GROW UP, Raph! Life can't always be--"

"Me? What about you, 'Mr. Perfect'? You think you're above making mistakes? Let me tell you something...BROTHER...you ain't the boss around here. Splinter's still with us. And I'll be damned if I let you tell me what I can or can't do with MY life!"

"Raph..."

"You know what your problem is, Leo? You're too damn full of yourself!"

Raphael knew he could stand to be here no longer. He had to get free of this room. He knew things were bound to turn physical if he didn't end this now, and in his present state, he wasn't ready to face the consequences if they did.

Leo attempted to voice a comeback, but it was too late. Before he could speak a single word, Raphael swept haughtily past him and left the room. The door slammed shut behind him, leaving a startled Leonardo alone with his thoughts.

A moment later, everything went dark.

The scene quickly faded, and the room was shrouded with light. Donatello squinted in the brightness as the tiled floor and the oriental paintings on the walls slowly came into focus again. What was moments before his old sewer den in New York vanished, and he found himself standing in the middle of his living room in present Japan. He was alone again, and for the first time in a very long while, he was thankful for that fact.

"Is that it, Chet?" He asked quietly.

^^END OF FILE^^

"I see."

Donatello strolled around the house aimlessly, his mind flooded with many thoughts at once. He tried to block out the most painful ones, those of fighting and arguing, but there were so many of them, it almost seemed like that was all he had left to hold onto. A tear escaped as he struggled to find a happy memory...just one good time in all of the chaos.

Visions of slamming doors, angry voices, and tear stained faces continued to flash, one after the other, almost like a movie reel. He wished it was only a movie, but this had been his life for the last five years he was in New York. It pained him to think that the last time he ever saw his brothers was under these conditions.

More painful memories came--lying, slandering, fists meeting flesh...it was just too much. And for all the time and all the energy Donatello put into keeping these moments buried, it was no use. They would always be there, and sooner or later, he would be forced to look them in the eye. With a tormenting acceptance, he decided that he could no longer endure this torture. The time had come to face his fears head on.

He sat in a lotus position on the floor and closed his eyes, giving in to the haunting darkness. There was something in the back of his mind, an image that had been fighting to break free. He concentrated on that ugly place, and all at once, like a bad dream, the memory came to him.

It was the middle of the night. Most of the world had gone to sleep hours ago, but not the underground inhabitants of the sewer. There was an electricity in the air, like the warning of an approaching storm. Only, this time it wasn't an effect of Mother Nature. There was a much more intense force at work.

Donatello was laying on his cot--the same bed he'd slept in all his life. But tonight, he couldn't relax. A nagging thought of doom continued to plague him where he lay. Something wasn't right. He sprawled out motionless on the mattress, listening to the darkness around him. Before long, the silence turned to voices. He couldn't make out what was being said, but it sounded like an argument. Sighing, he threw back the covers and crept to the living area to see what the commotion was about this time.

Raphael was standing near the door. He had on a pair of oversized sweat pants that were stretched over the width of his shell, and was currently reaching for his coat. Michaelangelo stood near him, unclothed, Klunk purring gleefully and rubbing himself against his ankles.

"But, Raph..." Mike was pleading. He looked exhausted.

"Mike, lay off, all right? This is something I have to do."

"But--"

"It's their fault. All of this. The Foot will pay. And I have to go alone. I can't have you tagging along and messing this up."

"But, you're still not healed, Raph. You...you shouldn't even be up walking around so much. And those stitches..." He moved closer to check a bandage at Raphael's shoulder. Raph nudged him away and stuck his arm through the sleeve.

"Stop, Mike, okay? Just...stop."

Mike stared at him for a long moment, his entire face a mask of concern. He knew Raph was in no condition for battle, neither physically nor emotionally. Over the past month, he saw behavior in his brother that ranged from aggressive to passive, angry to fearful, happy to depressed in only a matter of minutes. These kinds of erratic changes were unusual, even for Raph. And the fact that he could smell alcohol on his breath didn't help to calm his nerves any.

Raphael finished buttoning the coat. He tied the bandana securely around his eyes and reached for a hat. "I don't need you to mother me." He said a little more gently. "I'm fine."

A look of defeat crossed Mike's face. Raphael did his best to ignore it as he finished getting dressed and reached for his sai.

Finally, something inside Mike stirred to life. "I know I can't make you stay here...but you can't keep me from going either. I'm coming along."

Raphael looked at him, surprised. "No, Mike. This is dangerous."

"Brothers stick together." Mike reminded him. "Especially us."

Raphael let out a deep breath. "What about Master Splinter?"

His attempt to persuade Mike failed. "Don's here. He can make sure Master Splinter is okay."

At the mention of his name, Donatello stepped out from the shadows. The light fell on his face, highlighting it at a dramatic angle. "What's going on?"

Raphael stared at him indignantly. "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to know you're up to something. Where are you going?"

Raphael sighed. "Look, you wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

As the two were discussing Raphael's mad plans for vengeance, Mike began to dress very quickly. He was sure that Raphael would try to make a break for it as soon as he got the chance, and he was determined that he wasn't going to let his brother leave the lair tonight alone.

"Look Don--" Raphael paused. He could see that nothing he was saying had persuaded Donatello in the least.

"Mike's right, Raph. You shouldn't be going out like this. You need to rest. You've barely begun to stand again in the past few days."

The pain and anger in Raphael's face was hard to look at. Don could see so many emotions hidden in the fine lines of his frown, so many things that had gone unsaid for so long.

In a great effort to cover up the unspoken torment that had inadvertently peeked through the surface, Raphael turned his back on them and headed for the door. "Look..." he snapped. "I'm doing this whether you like it or not. Now just leave me alone!"

With that, Raphael was gone.

Mike exchanged distressed looks with Don.

"You'll make sure that Splinter--"

"I'll take care of it." Don said softly. "And Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful, okay?"

Donatello blinked as his eyes opened to the harsh light. His face felt hot and flushed, and a sense of dread hung over him like a raincloud. He brought his hands up to rub his eyes, and noticed for the first time that he was crying.

Two hours had passed since that vision with Raphael and Michaelangelo, and he was still finding it difficult to regain his composure. It had taken him a long time to calm down enough to be able to continue speaking. If Chet had possessed human emotions, it would have probably thought to ask him what about the memory upset him so. But of course, Chet was just a machine, and only asked about things when it was triggered to do so. Donatello couldn't decide whether that was more of a blessing or a curse. It was nice to have an opportunity to speak without being pressed to say more than he wished to. On the other hand, he desperately missed the companionship of sentient contact. Chet was a wonderful caregiver, housekeeper and entertainer, but it could never understand what he was going through.

"It wasn't all bad..." he said at last. He took a deep breath and made a final swipe over his dampened eyes. "There were good times too...lots of good times. God, I just wish I could remember some of them..."

He glanced around the room, which was actually quite large for the traditional style of the architecture, and something slowly dawned on him. Mike's book! There had to be a happy memory in there! He rose to his feet and hurried to the bookshelf. It spanned the entire east wall, and was filled from floor to ceiling with every genre of literature imaginable-- from biology books to C.S. Lewis. He scanned the collection diligently, his eyes traveling back and forth at such speed, one wouldn't have thought he could even know what he was looking at, but he knew exactly what he was hoping to find, and he had a good idea now of what it might look like.

Somewhere near the bottom of the case, just as he was starting to get discouraged, a small book caught his eye. He slid it from its place carefully and blew the dust from the worn cover. He could barely make out the word 'Brothers' etched in silver on the blue binding. Just that single word staring solemnly back at him sent a shock through him that was so intense, he wanted to scream. Cautiously, he very slowly opened the cover. He wasn't sure what he expected to find within those pages, but before he could pursue it further, a fear gripped him so suddenly, he accidentally dropped the book.

When he scooped it back up, he noticed that the yellowed contents were open to page fifty-four. He had a nagging feeling that he didn't want to hear the words that were typed on the thin pages, but something compelled him to explore them anyway. He read aloud, his hands shaking ever so slightly as he gripped the book.

"A wedding...what a glorious occasion! We gathered around the happy couple shouting words of congratulations and condolences. The latter was for May. It was a joke really--now that she was marrying Carl, her life was over.

Everyone began to speak at once, and suddenly, I was no longer standing in that desolate, dark place we called home. Instead, I found myself in an elaborate chapel. Flowers surrounded me on all sides, and hundreds of smiling faces filled the pews around me. Music was playing--a song so beautiful it almost brought tears to my eyes. God, I couldn't wait for the day to arrive!

As the scenes in my head faded, I couldn't help but smile. And when I looked at May and Carl, I could see their happiness and devotion. It seemed though, that with all the talk of when and where and who, my brothers and I were even more excited than they were."

Don set the book down and shut his eyes for a moment, lost in the memory.

"Mike was right." He said at last. "For a while, I thought that April and Casey's wedding could be the turning point that would bring us all closer together. I only wish it would have been. Mike wanted so much for it to be so."

"Hey, be careful with that thing, huh? It was expensive."

"Oh, you didn't even pay for it, Raph, so quit your nagging. I know how to work it."

"Fine. But you break it, you bought it, Mikey."

Michaelangelo stepped in front of the camera and brought his face really close to the lens. He stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes, making one of the most ridiculous faces Donatello had ever seen. He backed away grinning, then hurried off screen to help Casey and his brothers.

Raphael and Don stepped into the camera's view. They were dressed in black coats. Raphael's expression was one of hidden terror.

"We don't have much time." Don was saying.

Raphael took a deep breath. His face was the palest of greens, and he appeared to be perspiring rather profusely.

"Raph?"

"Huh?"

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, yeah...I'll be fine..." He dried his forehead with the back of his hand and followed Donatello toward the hallway.

The scene went dark, but was replaced seconds later by a new one. The camera had been moved, and was now filming the chapel.

"Halloween..." Don sighed. "What a great time to get married..."

The chapel was filled with guests--most of whom had decided to get into the spirit and come in costume. This had been a great idea as far as the turtles were concerned. Now they could take part and no one would be the wiser. Mike had thought up the whole idea. April wasn't too sure about it at first, but with a little persuasion, she had been convinced that she owed it to them.

Against his better judgement and all of his pleading to the contrary, Casey had come as Prince Charming. He'd tried to persuade the guys to dress as dwarves, but Raphael had absolutely refused. He did joke, however, that Michaelangelo should go as Dopey. Mike, of course, didn't let that one slip by without a comeback. "I'd rather be Dopey and nice than Grumpy and mean..." "Hey, I'm not mean, I'm letting you borrow my camcorder, aren't I?"

The turtles stood to Casey's left, first Raph, then Mike, Don and Leo. Of course, they all shared a snicker over Casey's white tights. When Mike glanced at the turtle to his right, it was a real struggle not to burst into laughter. Raphael looked more nervous than Casey did. His brother shot him a warning sideways glare, but otherwise remained motionless. Mike wasn't sure if he did so out of respect for the wedding, or if he was indeed frozen with fear. Leo and Don stood with quiet composure, eyeing the audience of guests a bit uncomfortably. Leo exchanged glances with Don. In his eyes was a hint of wariness and apprehension. He hadn't exactly jumped at the idea of exposing themselves to a room full of humans. Still, he did it for April, and maybe a small part of him did it for Mike as well.

April's sister, Robyn came down the isle, dressed like a fairy-tale princess. Her gown was long and flowing, and she wore a long pointy hat, from which trailed a flowing tail of silk. It was the first time any of them had ever seen Robyn, and Don had decided right then and there that she was beautiful. Shadow and Robyn's son Trevor were the flowergirl and ring bearer. They were old enough not to cause too much of a scene, except for when Trevor accidentally stepped on Shadow's gown, which made her trip in the isle, and the consequential smack to Trevor's head with the flower basket.

When April appeared, the room was suddenly so quiet, Raphael could hear himself breathe. All present gazed at her, entranced. She couldn't have possibly been any more beautiful. Her long dark hair was tied back and piled up on her head in curls, and her costume made her look more lovely than Snow White. Mike let out an unbridled gasp, and Raphael smiled and elbowed him.

"The wedding was wonderful, and it was over before I knew it. The ceremony proceeded smoothly, until the moment when Raphael nearly dropped the ring. God, was he nervous. I'd never seen him that way before. This, of course, sent Mike into a snickering fit. One of my elbows meeting the side of his ribs seemed to quiet him down relatively quickly though. Once Raphael managed to hand the ring to Casey, he slipped it on April's finger, they said a few more vows, and before long, they were pronounced husband and wife."

Don smiled. The memories were returning to him as he watched the couple hurry down the isle while vampires and clowns and mutant turtles threw rice at them.

"That was a great day." His grin broadened. "We hadn't been that happy in a long time. It seemed like the turning point in our lives. Maybe, somehow, their wedding would bring us back together again. And it did for a time..."

The scene wasn't over yet. The chapel in which he'd been standing slowly transformed into a banquet hall which was filled with decorations, people and food. The costumes varied from simple to outlandish, their owners talking excitedly amongst themselves.

Robyn sat next to April at the wedding party's table. She was closely scrutinizing the four turtles that sat on the other side of Casey.

"So...those are the Italian guys you keep telling me about?"

April smiled and bit her lip. "Yeah...hey guys, can you come here for a minute?"

As they filed in next to her, Robyn suddenly realized how short they were.

April pointed to each turtle in turn. "This is Donatello, Michaelangelo, Raphael, and Leonardo. And this--" She pointed to her sister. "is Robyn."

The turtles greeted her politely. Mike, of course, demonstrated his usual nonchalance by bowing down and kissing her hand. Robyn made a remark about how life-like their costumes were...needless to say, she was quite shocked later when she learned that they weren't costumes at all.

The DJ was very energetic, and soon the entire room ended up on the dance floor. Raphael and Leonardo took turns dancing with Shadow--after a bit of minor protesting on Raph's part. Casey danced with April, and Mike found a cute little witch to occupy his time. Donatello remained in his chair, fidgeting with the lapels on his coat, and awkwardly watching the festivities.

"Hey, you look lonely. Wanna dance?"

"Huh?" He looked up, startled.

Robyn smiled down at him, revealing two rows of perfect white teeth. God, that smile... "Do you want to dance?"

"Uhhhh...I dunno...I...I'm not a very good dancer..."

"It's okay...I'll teach you..."

"No, really..." he said reluctantly. "I have two left feet. I wouldn't want to trip you..."

"Awww, come on! It'll be fun!" Those bright eyes were irresistible. Just like April's, only a sparkling emerald green.

Don blushed and rose from his chair shyly.

He blushed even now as he watched Robyn take his hand in hers and lead him in the dance. "First time I'd ever been that close to a woman. And boy, could she move."

"It wasn't long after the wedding...approximately six months, when we noticed that Splinter had been sleeping quite a bit more than usual. When we were children, there was never a time he outslept us. He was up at the crack of dawn every morning, waiting to begin our daily training. But as our childhood innocence faded further and further into the past, so did Splinter's good health and vitality. He rarely rose before ten o' clock, and even after the extra hours of sleep, he still appeared drained.

"I feared that the inevitable was approaching. Our master had lived a long, and at times, very stress-filled life. We weren't exactly sure how many years his life had spanned as an ordinary rat, but added to the twenty-seven after his mutation, he was getting to be a very old rodent indeed. I'd always believed that no one died before their time. With all of the lives that Splinter had touched, it made sense to me that his days were finally coming to an end. I didn't voice my concerns to the others. They already knew. Still, we carried on as routinely as possible, trying to forget the whole matter. I could not bear the idea of being without him. Although we were adults now, we knew that no matter how old we became, his absence would leave a painful hole in our lives.

"We banded together and made a pact that we would look out for him. And if anything happened, even the slightest hint of the unusual, we would tell each other immediately. We dedicated ourselves to his protection. We took turns watching and taking care of him, making sure all of his needs were met. No matter what, he would not be left alone in the lair. We agreed that one of us must stay with him at all times.

"Michaelangelo was very emotional during that time. Just when we had begun to grow closer as a family again, the very center of us all was slowly fading. Splinter was all we had ever known as a parent. We existed because of him. What an odd, vulnerable feeling to know that the mentor we had counted on to always be there would soon cease to exist. A void was already forming in our hearts. Still, we carried on as always, following the lessons as our master instructed us, and keeping an ever watchful eye on him.

"With emotions at their peak, things inevitably began to heat up again. Leo and Raph took up their petty bickering once more. They argued about things that shouldn't have mattered, and perhaps didn't, even at the time. Leo seemed at a loss. It was the first time in his life that he was unable to eventually find a clear understanding, or to form a viable solution, and it drove him crazy. Raphael's temper was shorter fused than usual, and taunting Leo seemed to be his only release. Mike was remarkably morose, though he tried to maintain a lively demeanor when he knew we were nearby. There were those rare occasions in which he failed miserably, and in so doing, ended up sobbing in Raphael's arms. And despite that hard, outer 'shell' Raphael so carefully guarded himself with, inside, his undeniable softness thrived. At least when Mike was concerned. Perhaps he decided it was about time he return him the favor.

"Raphael was an unusual pillar of strength for Michaelangelo. This sharp contrast from the predictable was almost eerie. It wasn't easy to decipher whether his newfound gentleness and determination were products of denial, or if he simply grieved differently. The irrefutable fact, however, was that he was indeed suffering. He attempted to hide his pain by drinking, which was undeniably selfish. Still, for personal reasons, I couldn't help but envy him. We'd come to expect such things from him. I, on the other hand, would not be able to get away with such recklessness so easily.

"In his quest for harmony, Leo was determined to put a stop to Raphael's self-destructive acts. He felt as though Raph simply didn't care any more. He accused him of being an alcoholic, and was convinced that he was unable to control his actions, thus rendering him a danger to us all.

"Raphael rebelled against Leo's authority. He insisted that he didn't have a problem, and he demanded that Leonardo leave him alone and mind his own business. Leo couldn't do such a thing. It wasn't in his nature. His prying and coaxing only angered Raphael. He told Leo he could take care of himself, that it was his life after all, and what he did with himself shouldn't concern us.

"Shouldn't have, maybe, but it did..."

"In the midst of uncertainty and despair, a glimmer of hope began to shine through. April and Casey announced that they were going to have a baby. Almost immediately, the demeanor in the very air around us began to change. That day was one of great cheer and celebration. Over the next several months, our spirits lifted as we monitored the growth of April's stomach and argued over names. April herself was absolutely radiant.

"Robyn came to visit, but she spent most of her time with April, trying to help her prepare for the baby. I don't know at which point April told her the truth about us, but afterward, she was very leery when we were around.

The nine months passed relatively quickly, and before long, Justin Taylor Jones was born. April had won the name battle. She said it was about time there was a nice, normal name in the family again. I assumed she was referring to Shadow and us.

Shadow was growing up rapidly. No longer was she the little girl that had idolized her father and begged April to stay up late so she could play video games and eat ice cream with Mike. The adorable little baby doll with the long blond curls was now a beautiful young woman. It was a very delicate stage in her life, and one that I could relate to very well. I'd been a teen once myself. It wasn't easy. In fact, I think that, despite all of the chaos that hit in our twenties, my teenage years were perhaps the most difficult.

Along with all of the normal adolescent worries--friends, dating, grades, puberty, came the fear of rejection. The new baby required most of April and Casey's precious time. She was worried that Justin would gain all of our affection and she'd be cast to the outside. She'd never needed to worry about that. We loved her as much as we always had. We told her that often.

Mike made it his mission to spend more time with her. He realized that he'd been neglecting his duties as 'uncle' since he'd met Damien. He'd thought that Shadow was old enough that she wouldn't need as much attention from him, but he discovered quite the opposite. With all that was going on, she was unsure of her place in all of our lives. She needed to feel special again.