"On Shadow's thirteenth birthday, things began to change. It had always been hard for her to make friends--not because she wasn't a friendly and likeable person, but because rumors had gone around about her strange lifestyle and the fact that no one she knew had ever been invited over. It was a confusing and frustrating time for her. She so wanted to be liked, yet at the same time, she refused to act like the other kids expected her to. She felt as though she didn't even know who she really was inside. Fed up with the solitude her fellow classmates bestowed upon her, she became rebellious.
"To emphasize her protests, she began to spend a lot of time with Raphael. She knew that the idea of the two of them going god-knew-where in the dark of night would do nothing for April's nerves. What made the situation even worse was that a couple of months previous, Casey had found an old motorcycle that he and Raphael began restoration on together in their shop. It still needed a few cosmetic repairs, but the mechanical aspect of the bike was as good as new in no time. So when Shadow asked Raph to take her someplace far away, he had no hesitation. He'd been practically dying to find an excuse to take the motorcycle for a ride.
"That night was horrific. They hadn't informed anyone of their departure, nor when or if they would be coming back. They'd simply disappeared in the dead of night. They were gone for hours, and when Raphael finally reappeared in the early morning, he and Leonardo had a heated argument."
"April was worried sick! You can't just take off with her like that and not tell anyone!"
"She was fine, Leo. She was with me."
"Yeah, well...lately, that's not much of a comfort, Raphael."
"What the hell is that--"
"You've been drinking way too much lately. Or have you been too wasted to notice? What if you got yourselves into a bad situation, and you were too drunk to deal with it?"
"Leo, give me some credit, huh? I wouldn't drive around drunk, especially not while Shadow was with me. That would be plain stupid."
"Despite Raphael's insistences, we were very concerned. When he neglected to take Leonardo's warnings to heart, Splinter got in on the matter. Regardless of what any of us said, Raphael insisted that he could be responsible, and that she was safe with him. He seemed genuinely wounded that we could think him capable of bringing her harm. He wanted us to trust him.
"He had been slowly sinking deeper into a funk, ever since the loss of the Foot Clan. He didn't take to betrayal easily. Ten years later, the idea of it still continued to haunt him. Yet, there was an anger that stemmed even deeper still. I think he was truly afraid of losing Splinter, and it was eating him up inside.
"He was becoming like a loose cannon. He found it hard to contain the strong emotions within. His frustration made appearances in acts of reckless self-destructiveness. Occasional bouts of drinking soon became a daily ritual. He jumped from one six pack a day, to three in a matter of weeks. It was beginning to become painfully obvious that Raphael had a problem. It was a rarity to find him sober anymore. He would go off on tangents about the irony of our existence, the bad hand we'd been dealt in life, and what he referred to as 'our crappy place in this world.' He'd stay away for days at a time without contacting us. And we were left to sit at home and worry about whether he was even still alive. I tried to confront him about it once. Believe me, I never did so again.
"One night, something truly dreadful happened. I have come to realize that that evening alone was the pivotal beginning of the end. Indeed, even now, I suffer from its consequences. It's not a memory I cherish. In fact, it's the one thing I've tried the hardest to forget..."
"Shadow, I said no, and that's final!"
The girl scowled at April, her hands on her hips. "You can't keep me from going."
"You want to bet?"
"It's not fair! You keep telling me how you want me to make more friends, and when I finally have the chance to, you forbid me from it!"
"Shadow, a weekend at the lake with boys who are older than you is too much. You're only fourteen, and it isn't safe!"
"Not just boys. Girls are going too, you know. Besides, I know how to protect myself. Why do you think I've been studying with Leo all this time? It certainly wasn't for my health! I hate those practices, but I keep on going so I can get good at it. I can fight almost as good as dad now!"
"Shadow, honey, I know that you think you can fend off anything that comes your way, and you have gotten very good, but your father and I--"
"You can't tell me what to do..."
"What?"
"I said, you can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother!"
Donatello sighed and lowered his eyes. "Those words bit into her, stinging her like a slap in the face. She was too shocked to keep Shadow from leaving the house. But Shadow didn't go out with her friends that night. Instead, she sought Raphael.
"In one of his common bouts of depression, Raph had snuck to the shop to be alone. He had already finished a case of beer and was starting on the second when he was interrupted by a knock at the door. He was surprised to see her there, but he ushered her inside. She tried to convince him to share his beer, and when he refused her, she became upset and accused him of being just like April. Raphael, of course, didn't like the implications of being uncool, so he offered to take her out on the bike instead. She told him she wanted to get as far as possible from New York City. At that point, he was up for just about anything. So he started up the motorcycle, and away they went.
They didn't get very far, however. On the outskirts of town, the effects of the alcohol really began to take their toll. Raph had promised himself that he would never take her out while drunk, and he realized he needed to turn back. Unfortunately for him, his slow reflexes didn't react quickly enough, and he was unable to steer clear of the oncoming car..."
Donatello paused and stared down at his trembling hands.
"Everything changed in that moment." he said softly. "Everything."
"Oh-my-god-oh-my-god..." April was the embodiment of shock.
Casey ushered her quickly down the sterile halls. His arm was slung around her shoulders, gripping her in a tight squeeze. He knew she was weak in the knees, and he was afraid to let her go, lest she fall to the floor. He was trying desperately to be strong for April, but his mind was filled with horror and doubt. What if they would find out the worst? What if Shadow was severely wounded or in a coma, or worse yet...dead? He couldn't bear to think about that possibility. It took a very strong effort, but with a little pushing, he was able to will the thought from his mind.
No, he told himself, everything's gonna be okay...gotta stay positive...
Still, he wished he could persuade himself to truly believe that.
Their shoes squeaked on the linoleum as they hurried past patient rooms and nurses with clipboards. It seemed their search would never end. Just when the fear was about to become paralyzing, he spotted the double doors at the end of the hallway. He pushed April forward, her quiet sobs causing him to shake with nervousness as they neared the entrance. Casey paused and stared at the bright red letters that spelled out 'Intensive Care'. He turned to face her, and April stared up at him. Her face was a mask of pain and guilt. He knew she was blaming herself for this, but it wasn't her fault. He pulled her close, and she melted in his arms.
"She's gonna be all right, April."
"But...what if--"
"Don't even think about it, okay?" He said softly. "No matter what we see in there, we have to keep telling ourselves that everything is going to be all right."
April nodded weakly. He squeezed her hand tightly, and together, they pushed open the door.
Don swallowed. "They weren't prepared for what they found in that room. Shadow was covered with cuts and bruises, and the doctors were still in the process of removing the gravel that had embedded itself in her skin. Her face was battered, and the roots of her hair were encrusted with blood. For how horrible she looked, however, she'd sustained relatively minor injuries.
"A sprained ankle, a couple of cracked ribs and a mild concussion were the extent of her major wounds. The doctors considered her lucky. If she hadn't been wearing a helmet, or had fallen short of the soft plantlife she'd managed to land in by even so much as a foot, she probably wouldn't have made it."
Another memory made itself aware to him just then, and even after all the time that had passed, it still made him cringe.
"You bastard!" April viciously slapped Raphael in the face.
Luckily, he was sitting in a chair, or he wouldn't have had the strength to absorb the impact. The crash had done a number on him as well. He entire body ached. He thought he'd broken his arm, but upon examination, Michaelangelo had declared that it was just very badly bruised. His knees and palms were still embedded with bits of gravel and rock, but he refused to let Mike touch him. He didn't want to bother with all of it just now.
It was a wonder he'd been able to hide from all of the police and paramedics that had showed up on the scene to carry Shadow away to the hospital. He'd blacked out for a moment, and when he recovered consciousness, it took him a few minutes to regain his bearings. He'd remained in the underbrush and brambles until every last one of them was gone. It had been a chore to hoist himself up and force his body to move. Luckily, he found a pickup truck parked in an empty lot. He ducked under the tarp and managed to hitch a ride most of the way home without the owner suspecting a thing. But now, he was in so much pain, he couldn't even stand up.
He stared at her in silence, his face reflecting nothing but shock and grief, and the darkened shape of a handprint where April had just slapped him.
She buried her face in her hands and wept. Mike gently laid his hands on her shoulders and led her away. Raphael retained his statuesque demeanor, his eyes glazed over with unshed tears. His hands rested on either side of him, the fingers curled tightly around the edges of the seat.
"Raphael..."
It appeared that Splinter's voice had finally broken the spell that had held him entranced. He rose his eyes to meet those of his sensei, and an overwhelming feeling of guilt and despair washed over him. As he lowered his head, his body began to shake with violent sobs that echoed through the underground tunnels.
Don and Leo exchanged amazed glances. They had never seen Raphael open up like this. In fact, this was the first time that they had actually seen him cry without attempting to hide his tears. Splinter crouched down as much as his sore joints would allow, and embraced Raphael with arms of understanding. Raphael continued to wallow in his anguish.
"God, I'm so sorry...." His muffled cry was devoid of any anger or hostility. Raphael was more vulnerable than anyone had ever seen him.
Splinter didn't say anything just yet. He decided to wait until Raphael had had a chance to heal both physically and emotionally before he bestowed upon him the biggest lecture of his life.
"Leonardo, unlike Splinter, couldn't wait to rip into Raphael. He felt that Raph needed to be scolded about the error of his ways while the incident was still fresh in his mind. It angered him to no end that he'd been so entirely irresponsible, even after he'd promised us that he would never bring Shadow's life into such danger. And the idea of upsetting Splinter in his delicate condition only added fuel to the fire."
"I've had just about enough of this, Raphael! Look at what you did! Don't you see that you could have killed her?"
Raphael didn't say anything. Instead, he kept his eyes pinned to his lap and stared at the soiled bandage that was wrapped around his thigh.
Only a week had passed since the accident, but Leonardo decided he had been generous enough in giving Raphael that much leeway.
"Are you proud of yourself, Raph? Do you see now where your destructive lifestyle has taken you? You're hurting everyone, not only yourself!"
Raphael raised his eyes to look at his brother. There was an intensity there that was all too familiar to Leonardo. Still, he said nothing, only glared, motionless, like a haunted sculpture.
"And you have nothing to say for yourself? You're just gonna sit there like a log and pretend that none of this is your fault? I can't believe you! I can't believe that you can be so cold--"
"For godsake, don't you think that I'm hurting right now, Leo?" Raphael finally shot back. "Don't you realize that every night I lay in bed thinking about her all bandaged up in that hospital? God Leo, what kind of monster do you think I AM?"
"I never said you were a monster, Raphael. But this destructiveness has got to stop! I'm sick of the lies and the betrayal--"
"Now wait just a fucking minute--" Raphael wasn't about to absorb all of this condemnation without a comeback. Gathering his strength, he forced himself painfully to his feet to meet his opponent face to face.
"NO! You wait, Raph! You have done nothing but wallow in self-pity for the past few years, and you're so selfish, you never stop to think about who you're hurting. Our human friends don't deserve this! They've had every right to walk away from us--from all of this, yet they've stayed. They chose us, Raph, not the other way around. And now, with what you've done, we'll be lucky if they ever speak to us again!"
"Come on, Leo, it was a mistake! I know you're not familiar with that term, but such a thing does exist. I know what I did was wrong, okay? It was beyond wrong. It was totally stupid and irresponsible. I don't need you to tell me that. I misjudged myself, I though I had control--"
"That's just it...you have no control. You never have! You're an accident waiting to happen, Raphael, and you don't care--"
"Like hell I don't care!!!" Raphael was raging. "Don't you ever tell me I don't care! Just because I'm not perfect like you, doesn't mean that I don't feel bad when I make a mistake."
"I never said I was perfect--"
"I may not be emotional like Mike or thoughtful like Don, but that doesn't mean I don't fuckin' care!"
"Yeah? Well then tell me this--does going out and getting drunk every night against the better wishes of your family sound like you care? Does taking over the organization of your family's life-long enemy sound like you care? How about bringing the enemy into our secret lair and making yourself vulnerable to her?"
"Leo, shut up. You don't know anything!"
"There's one thing I sure as hell do know--you aren't fit to be a member of this team anymore."
That comment sent Raphael over the edge.
A fist came at Leo's head, which he ducked without too much effort.
Leo himself burned with anger. He couldn't determine exactly why he was as mad as he was, but he decided that it was time for Raphael to learn a lesson about life once and for all. He couldn't bear the thought that someone else might suffer from the effects of his depression, even Raph himself.
He didn't want to hurt his brother. He knew that the wounds were still healing, and Raphael wasn't nearly as strong as usual. However, he would defend himself if necessary, and if the situation became hostile, he was prepared to fight to prove his point.
Another fist came at him, this time making contact with his collarbone. Despite Raphael's weakened state, the punch was powerful, and it knocked him off his footing.
"Raph..." Leo warned. "I don't think you want to do this right now."
Another swing, barely missing his face.
"You know I'm stronger than you. I'd kick your butt..."
A knee to the plastron. Leo doubled over and sucked in a breath, his eyes darkening with vengeance. He'd given his brother ample warning. If he wasn't going to take it, then he would just have to teach him a lesson about that too.
Leonardo rushed forward, his eyes on his prey. He rammed his fist into Raphael's chest, nearly knocking him over. Raph glared at his brother, his hands curling up into tight balls of fury.
"You're gonna pay for that, Leo..."
Donatello breathed raggedly as the vision continued. The memories were becoming clearer and more defined as the fighting proceeded. He watched them attack each other again and again, their strikes becoming harder and more intense with each passing moment. His heart pounded in his chest and his entire body shook. He knew what was coming.
Raphael had fallen, and he laid there for a long moment, teeth clenched in pain and breathing rapidly. Just when Leonardo thought he'd won this round, Raph was rising to his feet again, even more determined. He stalked toward Leonardo, his intent clear.
Leo reached back and drew a katana from its sheath. He held it out in front of him, taking a defensive stance. "Don't make me use this, Raphael."
Raphael's face was a mask of hostility. It didn't matter now what kind of threats Leo made. He had insulted his honor, and he wasn't going to get away with it.
As Raph pulled out his sai and charged Leonardo, two things happened simultaneously. First, Raphael's wounded leg gave way, and second, an enraged Leonardo thrust his sword in Raph's direction. With the angle of the fall, and the fact that Raphael was distracted in that instant, Leonardo's sword sunk right into Raphael's chest.
Don was now shaking violently.
Leonardo immediately retracted his hand, the sword falling from it to the floor with a foreboding clank. He found himself paralyzed with shock and horror, unable to move or even open his mouth to call for help. Raphael's body slumped to the ground, the blood pooling up over the wound and dripping down his side to the floor. Leo let out a strangled cry, and seconds later, Donatello and Michaelangelo rushed into the room. Their horrified cries filled the tunnels, drowned out only by Leonardo's anguished scream.
"Oh my god..." he breathed, still unable to move. "I...I killed him!"
