Nirvana

The Right Livelihood...
"Nine weeks had passed since the night Raphael had been injured. Nine, grueling weeks. Two of those, he'd spent unconscious. But even after he'd awakened, the worst was not behind us. Slowly, Raphael began to recover. It was a painful process, both for him, and those of us who were taking care of him. At first, he could hardly move. His injury was deep, and it made it difficult to do simple things such as talk or breathe. We brought him food regularly, though he didn't eat much. He complained that it hurt to even chew or swallow. Thanksgiving came and went. Instead of our usual gathering with April and Casey, we spent the day in the lair with Raph, trying to convince him to eat some of the Turkey dinner Mike had slaved all day preparing for us. At least we had something to be thankful for--Raphael was alive. Still, my insides ached that day, not knowing what had happened to Leonardo. I kept hoping he'd walk through that door and come join us, but as the evening slowly turned to night, I realized he wasn't coming.

"Raph was moody, even more so than usual, and only spoke when forced to. I attributed his silence to the fact that he was in great pain. I could only hope it didn't stem deeper. As the weeks went by, he slowly regained his strength. Mike kept constant watch over the wound to make sure it healed properly without infection. His frequent fretting annoyed Raphael, and he snapped at Mike several times, but Mike just ignored him. He was determined to do whatever it took to keep our brother healthy. We were all so careful and meticulous when it came to his wounds. None of us wanted to witness a reoccurrence of those first two weeks.

"As Raphael's body slowly healed, it seemed his memory did as well. I wish I could say the same for his mentality." Don sighed. "He was so sullen and withdrawn, I hardly recognized him anymore. And that's really saying something for Raph. We tried to get him to talk more, to open up about what had happened to him, but he shrugged us off. Splinter was the only one who'd gotten him to say anything at all about the incident, and even then, he never spoke Leonardo's name."

"Shortly after Raphael's awakening, approximately one week if memory serves me, Michaelangelo came down to the lair with some exciting news.

'I'm gonna be a father!'

We all just stared at him, dumbfounded, not fully comprehending his words. A father? But it was impossible. We all knew that. Turtle DNA is simply not compatible with that of a human's, and I reminded him of that fact.

'Not like that, Donnie, geeze!'

"He explained that he'd been trying to adopt Damien for a long time. April had helped him with the formalities. This wasn't your normal legal adoption, however. Obviously Mike couldn't meet with social workers or enter a courtroom to plead his case. He'd simply talked things over with the kid, and set about a plan to make sure he couldn't be tracked. Damien had been without a home for four years. Mike decided that was long enough to leave the poor kid on the street. He deserved a family, no matter how eccentric or different we were. He'd sworn April to secrecy while they worked out their plan, just in case things didn't work out. But now it seemed that Mike's life long dream was finally going to become a reality."

Don smiled. "I still remember that first day he brought him to our underground home. Damien was in awe over his surroundings, over all of us. He especially took a liking to Splinter. Splinter was like the grandfather he'd never had. He was a good kid too, and smart. Too bad things had to turn out like they did..."

"Chet, pull up file 67423." Don read the printout carefully.

^^67423...Adoption Party...Michaelangelo's Apartment...October 31, 2001...^^

He found himself in Mike's living room, suddenly surrounded by people who were talking anxiously while rushing here and there with food and decorations. As Don watched the scene unfold around him, he realized that he was seeing through the lens of a video camera. Currently, its aim was the front door. A few moments passed before he thought he heard footsteps approaching.

"Shhhh!" Someone whispered. "I think it's them..."

A muffled voice came from the other side of the door. "Well, Mike, we're here!" It was Casey, and he was practically shouting.

"Oh geeze..." April complained. "Mike's going to figure out what's up before he even opens the door at this rate!"

Quickly, everyone ducked behind the nearest piece of furniture and waited silently. Don glanced at April, his heart pounding as he waited for the cue to draw him from his hiding place. Mike, Damien and Casey entered, and April mouthed the word 'now'. All at once, heads peeked up from behind the furniture, and in unison, they shouted "Surprise!"

A big grin spread across Mike's face. He wrapped his arm around Damien and ushered him inside.

"Aw, guys! You didn't have to do all this!"

"We know." April said. "We wanted to."

"Yeah...this was an opportunity we just couldn't pass up."

"Robyn!?" Mike threw his arms around April's sister. "You came all the way out here just for this?"

"Hey, it's an addition to the 'family'...I had to come. Besides, April promised to show me a few weeks on the town." She winked.

Shadow, too, was home from the hospital now. Her ankle was heavily bandaged, but she was able to limp around on it. Her ribs were wrapped, and she still had some minor scrapes and bruises, but she would have a full recovery soon enough. Mike hugged her gently. Shadow smiled at him, but she was unusually quiet.

The camera changed perspective and angles as it moved from guest to guest, each eager to film a piece of the action. Friends and family encircled Mike and Damien, talking anxiously amongst themselves. It was almost like a dream, seeing everyone so happy again. Raphael, of course, hadn't been able to make it. He was still in pretty bad shape, and it would have been very tricky to try to move him. Besides, with his sullen demeanor, he wasn't much in the mood for a party. Splinter stayed with him, not wanting to risk leaving him alone, and also weak himself from all of the extra exertion he'd been forced into the last few weeks. He had made it a point to congratulate Michaelangelo earlier.

For the next couple of hours, everyone set their worries and troubles aside and focused on having fun. No one could think of a better way to celebrate Halloween. It was a much-needed vacation from the strife and anguish they'd all been through recently.

Mike devoted his attention to the food. April had made delicious shrimp appetizers. There was also a feast of pizza and salad and an enormous chocolate cake with the words 'Congratulations Michaelangelo' written on it in frosting. Mike was surprised the bakers had managed to spell his name correctly. There was plenty of wine and champagne to toast with as well. It seemed she'd spared no expense. Once his stomach was full, Mike took to chatting and laughing with Robyn and Casey. Don watched from the sidelines, feeling rather uneasy.

All he could do was look at her--the way she laughed, the way she ate the cracker she was holding, the way she smiled, and dammit...the way that silky blouse scooped down in the front, not too revealing, but just enough to put thoughts in his head. He looked away, turning his attention to Shadow.

"So...how's the ankle?"

Donatello blushed as he watched himself. He was fidgeting with his hands, trying to avoid Robyn's gaze. "She was so beautiful." He quietly admitted. "I knew someone like her would never be interested in someone like me. Still, I couldn't even look at her without breaking into a sweat."

He returned his gaze to the holographic scene. He and Shadow were still talking, and Mike had come over to sit next to them.

"Great party, huh?"

"Yeah...too bad Raph had to miss it."

"Yeah..." Don nodded. "He would have liked this spread." He motioned toward the food. "You think we should bring some down for him?"

"April's already got it covered. She said she wants to deliver it personally."

Don nodded again. "Mike...?"

"Yeah?"

"I wish Leo was here. It's just not the same without him."

Mike looked away, trying to hold in his anguish. "Yeah, I know...I really wish he was here too."

Having seen about as much as he could take at the moment, Donatello was about to tell Chet to freeze the program, when he spotted Robyn making her way toward them. He turned his attention back to the video replay, remembering that night like it had been yesterday.

"Hey guys, why so glum? This is a party, you know..."

"Oh, it's nothing." Mike forced one of his convincing smiles. "We were just saying we wish Raph could have been here tonight."

Robyn nodded. "Yeah...I heard about what happened. I'm really sorry."

"He's getting better." Mike said as cheerily as he could muster. "You could come down and see him if you like."

"Great. I just might do that." She glanced at the three of us in turn. "Well, I brought Pictionary. Anyone want to play?"

Michaelangelo, who usually made it a point to show off his drawing skills at any given opportunity, stood up and stretched, motioning at Shadow inconspicuously with one of his outstretched hands. She stood up, getting the gist of the gesture. "Nahh, but thanks Robyn. I should get back to Damien." He took Shadow by the hand. "You two go ahead."

As they walked away, Don shot Mike a helpless glance, and fidgeted some more with the glass in his hand. He'd drained it dry. Mike gave him a knowing smirk in return and strolled away, leaving the two alone.

"Well..." Don cleared his throat. "Looks like Pictionary's out..."

Robyn smiled and watched him with curiosity. He could feel her eyes penetrating into him. His palms were hot and clammy, and he felt a tinge of nervousness creep up his spine. "No..." She smiled. "Guess we'll have to leave that for another time. So, what else do you wanna do?"

Donatello swallowed and ran his eyes over the silky shirt, the soft flesh of her neck. He knew exactly what he wanted to do, and it would be a hell of a lot more fun than Pictionary too. He tried to will the thoughts from his mind as she scooted closer, so close that he could feel her breath on his face. It was tainted with alcohol, but it wasn't an unpleasant smell. He held up his empty glass. "I was just about to get a refill. Can I get you something?"

"Hey, that's a great idea. I'll come with you."

Don started toward the table, and felt Robyn grab his hand. He swallowed again, and focused on the bottle of champagne. With a shaky hand, he poured them each a glass, and set the bottle down.

Robyn held her glass up. "A toast."

Don lifted his glass to hers.

"To getting drunk off your ass with a good friend."

Don smiled and sipped the alcohol.

Robyn eyed the bottle mischievously. "You know...I'm pretty tired. My hotel is just down the street. Wanna walk me there?"

Don just stared at her for a moment in surprise. "Me...?"

"Of course, you, silly. Who else?"

"Uhhh..sure!" He tried not to sound overly excited, though his heart was beating a mile a minute. "I'd love to."

Robyn grabbed the half-empty bottle and headed for the door. "Okay then, let's go."

Don smiled shyly as he watched the two of them leave. He rested his chin in his hands and sighed dreamily. "I ended up staying all night. Don't think we got much sleep though."

Don snapped out of his thoughts of Robyn a few moments later, realizing that the video was not over. The program was still running, and the camera was now focusing on the couch in Mike's living room. It appeared as though just about everyone had gone home. He assumed Damien was in bed, as he was nowhere to be found. Only Mike and Shadow remained in the living room. They sat on the couch, looking exhausted.

"Some party, huh?" Mike smiled sleepily.

"Yeah...mom knows how to throw em'."

"Speaking of which, what time does April want you home?"

"Doesn't matter. She said I could stay as long as I want. She knows I'm safe here."

Mike just smiled again and rested his head back on the cushions.

"Mike, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm practically grown up now."

"Yes, I see that." His grin widened. "You're growing up to be quite a young lady."

Shadow blushed at his comment and turned to face him. "I've learned my lesson. What I did before with Raph was foolish. I was rebelling. It was childish. I'm more mature than that now."

"Good." Mike wrapped an arm around her shoulder and drew her close. "Cuz I was worried sick about you. You're very important to me, Shadow. You know that, right?"

She nodded, and snuggled closer. "Yes, I know. And you're important to me too, Mike. That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

Mike pulled away a little so he could look her in the face. "Is something wrong?"

Again, she lowered her eyes. "No. Nothing's wrong, I just..."

Mike laid a finger under her chin and lifted it gently until their eyes met. "What is it? You know you can tell me anything."

She smiled faintly and bit her lip, forcing herself to look into those big brown eyes. "I just...there's something I've been wanting to do for a long time now, and..."

"Yeah? What's that?"

Shadow drew in closer, her lips brushing his. "This."

The warmth of her mouth engulfed his, and Mike's eyelids lowered for a moment at the contact. It took him only seconds to register what was happening, however. He drew away quickly and stared at her in shock. "Shadow, I...what was that for?"

She bit her lip again. "Mike, we've been friends for a long time...the best of friends. You've always been good to me, no matter what stupid thing I did."

"Shadow?"

"What I'm trying to say is...I love you."

"Uhhh...yeah, I love you too, Shadow, but--"

"No..." she sighed. "You don't understand." She searched his eyes, trying to decipher the emotions that were hidden there. "I mean, I really...love you."

Mike took her hands in his, holding them tight. "I...Shadow..."

She looked away. "It's okay, Mike. I just thought you should know."

"Shadow...look at me, I--I'm twice your age."

"I don't care how old you are, Mike..."

"I...don't know what to say...I've never--I mean, you're like a daughter to me. I love you, Shadow. I love you very much. You mean the world to me, but...it's not like that. You understand, don't you?"

She turned her head away from him, trying to hide her embarrassment and disappointment. "Yeah...yeah, I do..."

Mike sighed uneasily. "Look, we're both tired, and I've been drinking. Why don't you go get some sleep, and we'll talk about this tomorrow when we're both in our right minds, okay?"

"Okay." She rose to her feet, wanting nothing more now than to escape this trap she'd set for herself. Mike squeezed her hand, then let it go, watching in silence as she left.

Once she was gone, he flopped down on the couch and buried his face in his hands. So much had happened in such a short time. This was almost too much to deal with. Was she really in love with him? The idea was almost unfathomable. He realized it was probably nothing more than a teenage crush, still, it made him uneasy. Shadow had always been the daughter he'd never had. How could she have developed such strong feelings so suddenly? He found himself actually feeling guilty for not being able to give her the response she had been hoping for. He loved her more than anything. The last thing he'd ever do was hurt her.

"God, Shadow..." He whispered. He glanced toward the door she'd exited just moments ago, feeling a weight press down on him. Then he spotted the camera and its flashing red light. "Stupid thing...gonna have to erase that in the morning." He got up and walked toward the camera. Suddenly, Donatello was bathed in blackness.

"I never knew..." Don gasped. "Wow...now things are really starting to make sense..."

"The weeks wore on, and Raphael grew stronger. It took two months before he was able to stand or walk on his own. His wounds were still healing, and he was still in pain--both physical and emotional. He insisted, however, on getting up and doing things for himself. It was a very noble sentiment, but half the time, he ended up on his hands and knees on the floor, and we'd have to lead him back to the couch to lie down. I really didn't mind taking care of my brother. It was just so good to have him back. I wished Leonardo were there, so he could see Raphael's progress for himself, to have the peace of mind of knowing that Raph would be okay.

"Things seemed different without him. There was an emptiness inside of me that I simply could not fill. I tried to occupy myself with books or the internet, but nothing seemed to satiate that void within me. It felt as though a part of me had died. I couldn't quite explain it then, but I think I felt Leonardo's absence--his death. That mental connection was severed forever when he left this world, and it left an emptiness in its wake that would forever linger."

"It was December 20, 2001, five days before Christmas when it happened. I'd been sleeping peacefully for the first time in weeks when I was awoken by arguing voices coming from the living area. My first instinct was that Leo had finally returned home, and he and Raph were back to normal, arguing over something petty. Then I realized as I listened, that it wasn't Leonardo's voice I heard, but Mike's. I rose from my bed quietly, trying not to alert them of my presence just yet.

"When I found them, they were standing near the door. Raphael was already half dressed, while Michaelangelo pleaded with him, trying to stall him."

Donatello lowered his head, his eyes welling up with tears. "I keep having this flashback again and again. I keep seeing them argue, watching Raphael push Mike's protests aside. I see those intense emotions burning in his eyes like hot coals--the thoughts and feelings he refused to express though they were eating him up inside.

"They argued for a long time, Mike trying to coax Raph out of his angered stupor, Raphael determined for revenge. He blamed the Foot for so many things. He said it was their fault that all of the bad things had happened to him. They'd betrayed him, they drove him to drink. It was their fault he'd hurt Shadow and angered Leonardo. It was because of what they'd done to him that he'd been injured. It was ludicrous really. He'd left the Foot Clan years ago. How could they possibly be blamed for all of his mistakes?

"Mike tried to coax him into staying, tried to get him to think about what he was doing. But Raphael would hear none of it. Blinded by his own rage, his own hurt, his mind was made up, and nothing Mike said made any difference whatsoever.

"Finally, I could take no more. I left my hiding place in the shadows and faced Raphael. If he wouldn't listen to Michaelangelo, perhaps I could use logic to get him to listen to me. He wasn't very appreciative of my eaves dropping, but he told me about his mad plan for vengeance. And when I say mad, I mean completely insane. The Foot had stayed out of our business for over ten years now. In fact, it appeared that with the dwindling number of ninja still employed within the walls of their base, they weren't much of a threat at all. Still, he insisted that all of our anguish was because of them. He believed that that first fight with the Foot Clan over fifteen years ago would forever affect our lives. Perhaps it would, but not in the way Raphael envisioned it. He decided it was time to put a stop to the pain, to end the grief they'd caused, even if it resulted in his own demise. He sounded like a madman to me.

"Not only were we concerned for his mental state, but for his physical state as well. The wound in his chest was severe. Mike had done a decent stitching job, but it would take several more weeks of rest and attention before it would even begin to mend properly. The cut in his shoulder was healing nicely, but it too needed more time. We could tell he was still in great pain, and, although he was moving around better now, he was still weakened by his injuries. Only a month had gone by since he was first able to stand. How could he possibly expect to defeat his enemies in this condition, especially when the odds were stacked so great against him?

"Finally, after getting his fill of our persuasions, Raphael stormed out. Mike and I exchanged little words before he left. The last thing I told him that night was to be careful. A feeling of dread and foreboding washed over me as I watched him go. Something bad was about to happen, I just knew it. Still, I couldn't leave Splinter."

Don slumped back in his chair, staring up at the ceiling. "Sometimes, I wish I would have, Chet. Things would be so different now..."

"I really don't want to watch this...I really don't." Don's voice was trembling. He knew he had to though. If he didn't face it now, it would continue to haunt him, and his mind would never be free. He breathed deeply, trying to prepare himself for what he was about to witness. He sank to the floor and closed his eyes, his hands resting on his knees. He sucked in a breath and held it, then slowly let it go. He repeated the process a few more times before opening his eyes.

"Okay...play it, Chet."

He found himself in a darkened alleyway. Most of the world had already gone to sleep. The windows in the buildings that towered above him were dark and lifeless. The only illumination was that which glowed dully from the nearby streetlights. It was bitterly cold.

Michaelangelo and Raphael were up ahead, dressed in pants and coats for the winter weather. Raphael looked like he was in a big hurry for something. Poor Mike had to practically jog to keep up. He heard their voices, as he had in his dreams, Mike trying to convince him to go back, Raphael, strong-headed and determined. He saw Mike pause to gaze at the stars, heard him speak Leonardo's name, watched Raphael freeze in terror and fury.

Don swallowed as he witnessed Raphael storm off again, Michaelangelo hot on his tail. He really didn't want to watch this. It was all too painful. Still, he couldn't bring himself to look away, not even for an instant.

He recognized the compound almost immediately. Dread filled him as he saw Raphael approach the guards. They began to argue, shouting words Donatello couldn't quite comprehend. He realized a few moments later that it was in Japanese, but the voices were so distorted, he couldn't make out most of what they were saying. Soon, their raised voices brought more ninja out from their hiding places. Michaelangelo was trying to coax Raphael to leave, but Raph ignored him, pushing him aside. Soon, a battle ensued. Hordes of Foot members surrounded them on all sides. Instantly, Raphael broke out into a bloodthirsty rage. His eyes glowed with an intensity that made Donatello cringe. Michaelangelo was standing to his right, a little reluctant to strike. He tried to persuade Raphael one last time, but it was too late. His brother was already on the move. Two bloody corpses lay at his feet, and he was driving his sai into another one's chest, dooming him to the same fate.

Michaelangelo was suddenly attacked. Realizing that with Raph's actions there would be no way to convince them of his true intentions, he too began to fight. The Foot were swarming in by the dozens. Mike slid his nunchakus from his belt, and swirled them skillfully, taking out three of his attackers in the process.

Raphael's chest ached something fierce. He felt a burning sensation, like liquid fire spread down his plastron. He spared a glance down, taking stock of the blood that was dribbling down from the wound. Some of the stitches had been busted open. Michaelangelo had warned him about this. Too bad he hadn't listened.

He decided he couldn't dwell on it now. There wasn't time to think. The Foot had them surrounded and were closing in on all sides. He took a quick glance around, searching for Michaelangelo, but he couldn't find him anywhere. In seconds, his enemies were upon him again. It was fight or die, and Raphael knew which end he wanted to be on. Ignoring the pain, he readied himself, fury filling him, making him strong.

A sword came down toward his right shoulder. He spun around, lifting his sai to block, barely managing to keep his attacker at bay. Metal clanged against metal as he pushed the ninja backward, then quickly drove his other sai into the man's gut. Still more advanced. He found himself quickly surrounded by three new Foot ninjas, each coming at him with weapons raised.

Raphael did his best to fight off the hordes of Foot members that now entrapped him. Still, he was having a hard time simply blocking and keeping them from causing him major harm. As he threw kicks and punches, he began to realize how bad of an idea this really was. He should have listened to Mike and Don. He was weakening fast, and the loss of blood was doing nothing for his stamina. Mike was still nowhere in sight.

"Shit" he breathed. The pain in his chest flared. "Gotta get out of here...where the hell's Mike?"

More of the ninja attacked. Raphael rushed toward them, determined to put a quick end to this battle, his pain and fury nearly overcoming him. But his reflexes were too slow. Just as his sai sank into flesh, something sharp sank deep into his left shoulder. Paralyzed with pain, anger and fear, he dropped the sai and fell to the ground.

Mike, witnessing his fall, rushed to his aid, flinging his 'chucks' like a madman. He knocked away several of the ninja who were surrounding his brother, getting ready to deliver the final blow that would end his life.

**No,** Mike told himself. **It won't end like this...not after all we've done to save him.**

Raphael wasn't moving. This was bad. He was lying silently in a pool of his own blood. Mike couldn't tell which was bleeding worse--the wound in his shoulder, or his freshly opened plastron.