Despite all of the thoughts and emotions that were swarming through my head, I somehow managed to find my way to April's that night. The blinding darkness of the underground tunnels was nothing compared to the inner turmoil I now faced. I had to get out of there, as far away as possible. I needed time alone so I could think.

Luckily, nobody was awake when I got there. I let myself in quietly, hoping I wouldn't disturb anyone. I lay back on the couch with a loud sigh, my head spinning wildly.

Splinter had been right. Where would I stay? What would I do? I had no money to go anywhere. I couldn't ask my mom for help, because I didn't want to worry her, and staying with her was out of the question entirely. I couldn't put her safety at risk like that. How I longed to contact her, to tell her everything that was going on in my life, but I knew I couldn't. I was terrified now to even make a phone call, lest they somehow track either of us that way.

No matter what I did, it would be jeopardizing my well being to allow myself to run away from this. I couldn't leave. I knew that now. No matter what happened between Splinter and me, I simply couldn't walk out on them.

Splinter...

I was so confused. One minute, I was ready to leave it all behind. The next, I found myself in his arms. I never realized that he could have feelings for me, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. He was so kind to me, and attentive. He gave me little looks and smiles that I hadn't seen him give anyone else. He confided in me, revealed his deepest secrets. And he was understanding, even when I made a complete fool of myself. How could I have not seen it before? Was I really that blind?

It seems I must have been, because I was only then starting to realize that after all we'd been through together, I had begun to develop feelings for him too. But that couldn't be! Could it...? Maybe it was just the idea that someone cared for me, without reservation--a man who had everything I ever wanted. He was good-natured, gentle, noble, respectful, intelligent, and easy to talk to. He was a good listener, and his wry sense of humor always made me laugh. There was something behind his eyes...something that told me that no matter what, he would always protect me. I felt safe when he was near. He allowed me to be myself without question. I knew he would never do anything to harm me. He was the farthest thing from Curtis I had ever known. And yet, I still found myself leery of it all.

And he was a mutant rat for godsake...

Okay...quite honestly, that wasn't my main concern. In fact, he was so much like me, I had almost forgotten that he wasn't human. Still, in the back of my mind, that thought remained. And I was scared--afraid to trust my own feelings. Splinter was a loyal friend. He meant a lot to me, and I didn't want to risk losing that. My past is riddled with bad decisions and broken promises. Yet, something about this weird twist of fate felt...right. Could I gather my courage and believe in myself enough to try again?

I didn't sleep at all that night. I kept going over and over the same questions, tossing and turning on April's couch until I thought I'd go insane. When morning finally came, it was a relief, even though the dawn brought with it no clear answers.

It was early when April sauntered into the kitchen to make her morning coffee. I said nothing as I watched her scoop the grounds and pour the water. She didn't even notice I was there until she came into the living room to turn on the television.

"Holly? I thought you were staying down in the sewers..."

"Yeah...I was..."

She watched me skeptically. I could tell she wasn't going to back off without some sort of explanation.

"I just...I needed some fresh air, that's all."

"I see." She gave me this smirk that told me she knew better, but she didn't push the issue. "You want some coffee?"

"No...thanks."

"You look tired. Did you sleep okay last night?"

"Yeah, fine."

I was rewarded with another suspicious look.

"Leo and I worked on martial arts most of the day yesterday. I'm just a little worn out."

"Ahh yeah...the famous Leo work out." She grinned. "I'm surprised you're not hunched over in pain."

I can't tell you how glad I was that I'd managed to steer the conversation in a new direction. "Well...I'm a little achy, but I'm okay."

"The first few times I worked with him, I was sore for days. But you get used to it eventually."

"Yeah..." I pictured the turtles and how they appeared to spar so violently, without so much as a flinch of pain. They took what seemed like hours just to build up a sweat. They made it look so easy. Then I thought about their sensei--his strong, powerful movements, the focused intensity of his eyes, and I shuddered.

"Holly?" She was giving me that look again. "You sure everything's okay?"

"Yeah." I said quickly, forcing an overly happy smile. "Everything's great." I picked up my bag and headed for the bathroom. "I'm gonna take a shower."

I could feel her eyes on me the entire way. I shut the door quickly, leaning up against it with a sigh. How glad I was to finally be out of her sight. This was going to be much more difficult than I thought.

Later that morning, the turtles and Splinter arrived. As we discussed the day's plans, I kept my distance, sitting as far away from them as I could, without arousing too much suspicion. I didn't want to draw attention to myself, but I felt awkward and uncomfortable under their gazes. I could tell Raphael was still pretty pissed at me. He only looked at me once or twice the entire time, and when he did, he didn't just look, he glared. Great...so I'd made another enemy without even trying. It angered me that he could be so cold, and I was still mad over how he'd treated me the night before. He'd left a bruise! I tried not to dwell on it though. I had more important things on my mind.

"Well, I finally talked my boss into giving me my two weeks of vacation." April was saying. "He didn't seem too happy about it, but hey, I had it coming!"

"It's too bad you can't use your time off for something more enjoyable, April." Leonardo was apologetic.

"Hey," she smiled. "What better way to spend it than with my best friends in the whole world?"

I really admired her attitude, and I was extremely grateful that she hadn't given up on me yet.

"We still need to pack some things and get our gear together." Don said.

"I gotta change the oil in the van before we leave." Casey added.

"So we're looking at what? Three...four o' clock?" April asked.

"Try more like five or six."

Throughout the conversation, Splinter hadn't said a word, which was very unusual. He was naturally quiet and contemplative, but he always had some insight to offer. There he sat, as silent as a clam, his eyes glazed over, just staring into space. I thought I felt his eyes on me a couple times, but whenever I dared to meet his gaze, he looked away uncomfortably. There was something in his eyes...was it shame? He was still embarrassed over what had happened, I could tell. I felt guilty for making him feel so awkward. Perhaps I'd overreacted last night. Maybe if I would have stayed--but no. I couldn't blame myself. Things would blow over soon, I was sure of it.

"Is there anything you want us to bring?" Mike was asking. "Besides the usual, I mean."

"Hmmm...maybe I should bring the computer..." Don thought aloud.

"The computer? Donnie, give it a rest, will ya?"

As they continued to chat, I got the distinct sense that someone was watching me. I rose my head to meet a pair of cold, dark eyes. Raphael. The anger had slipped a little from his features, but his gaze remained fixed and intense. I wished he would just leave me alone. I had nothing more to say to him. Our eyes remained locked for a few minutes before he finally looked away again. Then I noticed that Leo, too, had been glancing in my direction. He gave me a small smile, turning his attention toward Raphael. The look he gave his brother was not a pleasant one. Raphael frowned at him and turned his head away. Satisfied for the moment, Leo redirected his sight toward Splinter, and back to me again. Had Splinter told him what happened between us? No, I was fairly confident he wouldn't have breathed a word of it.

"It gets pretty cold up there at night." April said, digging through her closet. "Do you have a jacket?"

"No, I don't."

"Well, here." She held up a long wool coat. "You can take this. I have plenty of others."

I took the coat from her and laid it next to my things. "Thanks."

She dug around in her closet some more, fishing out several shirts and tossing them on the bed. "Are you sure you have enough clothes? I could lend you some of mine until--"

"I'm sure, thanks."

She paused and turned to me suddenly. I could feel her studying me, and I turned away, trying to focus on folding my laundry. I didn't feel like talking about it right now, and I was hoping she'd get the hint.

She didn't. "You've been awfully quiet all morning. Are you sure nothing's wrong?"

"No. I'm fine. I'm just...tired, that's all."

"Okay..."

A long silence passed as we packed our clothes and loaded the bags with various necessities for the trip. Her eyes were on me the entire time, and it almost drove me crazy.

"Call it women's intuition." She said at last. "But I think there's something you're not telling me. I can see you're upset about something."

I didn't answer.

"I'm not trying to pry into your business. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. I just want you to know that I'm here, as both a friend and another female, if you ever have a problem."

I set down the stack of clothes and looked over at her. I really didn't feel like talking about this, but I knew it would do me good to be able to confide in someone and get it off my chest. Who better than April? Besides, if I didn't tell, she would continue to hound me until I went nuts. I cleared my throat.

"Thanks for the offer, April. I really appreciate your friendship. I just...I'm really confused right now..."

Her gentle smile turned to a look of concern. "What is it? What's going on?"

I lowered my gaze and sat down on the edge of the bed with a long sigh. She followed suit, watching me in silence for a long time.

I bit my lip, not daring to look at her. "It's nothing really...I just..."

She waited patiently for me to continue, her eyes filled with curiosity. I didn't know where to begin.

"Well...last night..."

"I knew it." She said gently. "I knew something happened. You wouldn't have scoured the sewers in the middle of the night otherwise. It wasn't Raphael, was it? Please tell me it wasn't him."

"No, it wasn't him, not really. He and I had a little disagreement, but that's not really what's bothering me..."

"Well, I'm glad it wasn't Raph. He does things once in a while that really make me wonder. He means well, he just has a weird way of showing it."

I stared down at my hands. "Yeah...I know...he just really pisses me off sometimes."

"Hey, I know the feeling." She smiled. "So, if it's not him, then...what is it?"

"Well...it's a lot of things--feeling out of touch with who I am, not knowing what's going to happen next....Splinter..."

"Splinter?"

Why, oh why couldn't I have kept my big mouth shut?

"Oh god, is something wrong with him? Is he sick?"

"No." I reassured her quickly. "No, he's just fine."

"Are you sure? He's been awfully withdrawn this morning. I've never seen him so qui--"

"He kissed me." There, I said it. It was out in the open. Maybe now I could go crawl under a rock and die.

She stared at me, her eyes widening in total disbelief. "Splinter?!"

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"I...wow, I would have never...I don't know what to say."

"Yeah...neither did I."

"I mean, he's the last person I would have ever thought--so you didn't like it...you didn't want him to...?"

"I...I never said I didn't like it..." I smiled despite myself.

April grinned. "So then what's the problem?"

"I don't know..." I stood up and began to pace the floor. "I...it was unexpected."

"How did it happen?" She looked intrigued now, almost to the point of giggling.

I felt embarrassment wash over me again. "Raphael caught me trying to sneak out."

"What do you mean, sneak out?"

I felt horrible. How could I tell her that I was going to run away after all of the hospitality she'd shown me? "After what happened...with my accounts, at the post office, the car...well, I started thinking, and I realized how dangerous it all was becoming. I knew I wouldn't be able to face myself if anything happened to any of you, so I..."

"You were leaving to try to protect us?"

I nodded.

"Holly...don't be silly." She said comfortingly. "Right here, with us is the best place you can possibly be right now. And we're all behind you. The turtles and Splinter have faced this kind of enemy before. They know how to handle these types of situations. We will get through this, Holly...all of us."

It was so wonderful to be so cared about. I didn't know what to say.

"So that's why Raphael was grumpy this morning..."

"Probably. He didn't even let me explain myself before he started yelling. He took me to Splinter and left us alone. As I was trying to make Splinter understand, he...well..."

"He kissed you." She smiled brightly. Nice to see someone was enjoying this.

"Yeah. Look, you have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Hey, my lips are sealed." She said seriously. "So, what now?"

"I don't know." I admitted. "I'm still so confused. Splinter is the most interesting, caring person I've ever known. He means a great deal to me. But I just don't know. I need time to think."

She patted my arm. "I'm sure everything will work out."

"Thanks, April."

"And incidentally...I think you two would make a cute couple."

I threw a sock at her.

The sun had already begun to set as we loaded up the van that evening. I felt numerous pairs of eyes watching me while I tossed my bag into the back. I was really starting to get annoyed with being stared at. I wished they'd get whatever it was out in the open and be done with it.

"You think you have enough stuff?" Casey complained as he helped Don heft his computer and several suitcases into the back of the van. "You guys don't even wear clothes. What the hell have you got in these things?"

"Necessities." Mike grinned.

"Necessities my ass." Casey mumbled. "We're going to a damn farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere."

"Okay, are we all ready?" April lifted a cooler and pushed it into the van.

Leo was the first into the vehicle. "Yep, I think everything's in order."

"Great. Well, looks like the six of you will have to keep Shadow company back there. Sorry about the riding conditions..." She flashed me a sympathetic look. They'd removed the back seats to allow room for all of us, so we had to sit on the floor.

I gave her an uneasy smile and led Buster into the van, taking my place across from Leo. As the others filed in, I stared out the window, hoping they would leave me alone for a while so I would have some time to think. It didn't do me much good though. Mike plopped down right next to me, and immediately started talking as Shadow settled into his lap.

"God, I can't wait to get there! There are these fruit trees there, and they have the best apples and plums you ever tasted. Hmmm...guess those would be out of season right now though, eh? Oh well...they still give good shade..."

I smiled at him, trying to look interested in what he was saying, but I found it hard to concentrate on anything but my uneasiness.

Casey climbed into the driver's seat and turned to look at us. "Everyone settled? Shadow, did you go before we left the house?"

The little girl rolled her eyes. "Yes, daddy."

"Okay, okay...just wanted to make sure, cuz we're gonna be on the road for a while."

"How long is a while?" I asked.

"About three hours. If the traffic's good."

Perfect...just perfect...

It was going to be the longest three hours of my entire life.

An hour went by through busy New York traffic, and we hadn't even gotten to Greenwich yet. It seemed our stay in the van would be prolonged indefinitely. Sighing, I shifted and glanced around at the others. Leonardo sat with his back against the wall of the van. His legs were stretched out in front of him, ankles crossed. His head rested against the fuzzy lining, but his eyes were open and alert. Raphael sat in a heap to his left. His back was toward his brother, feigning sleep. I couldn't help but wonder what could have possibly been so bad between them that they weren't even speaking.

Splinter was to their left, in the back corner of the van. He sat in what Leo called 'lotus' position, with his legs crossed, hands resting on his knees. His eyes were shut, but I could tell he was awake. His chest rose as it filled with air, marking controlled, calm breathing. His face was emotionless, save for the fine lines that creased his forehead, forming a frown. He appeared to be in deep thought.

Don sat to my right, tinkering with some gadget I'd never seen before. He was in his own little world, totally oblivious to the rest of us. Shadow had fallen asleep in Mike's lap, and he and Buster seemed to be having a good time getting to know one another.

"Hey, are you guys hungry?" April called from the front seat.

"I could go for some pizza or something." Mike perked up.

April grinned. "You could always go for some pizza. How about the rest of you? There's a cooler back there with sandwiches and fruit."

Michaelangelo laid Shadow down carefully and began to dig through the contents.

"Hey, Mike...toss me an apple, will ya?" Don didn't even look up from his device as the fruit sailed toward him, but he caught it perfectly and took a big bite.

Mike looked at me. "You want anything?"

"Nah...I'm fine. Maybe later."

Everyone else remained in their places, saying nothing. Mike closed the cooler and unwrapped his sandwich. Buster decided the roast beef smelled awfully yummy. He sauntered up to Mike, trying to get a taste.

"No, Buster. Come here. Leave Mike's sandwich alone."

Mike smiled and patted his head. "Aw, I don't mind." He pulled a piece of the meat from the bread, and held it up for Buster, who munched it down greedily. Buster lifted his head, eyeing the sandwich again in anticipation.

"That's enough, Buster."

The dog gave me a look, but returned to my side and laid down. I scratched him lovingly behind the ears and laid my head back. I was completely exhausted from lack of sleep, and I quickly drifted from consciousness.