Fade

Part 2

By Dierdre

Beta read by Sassyblondexoxo. Go read her fics!

Clank, pause, scrape. Clank, pause, scrape. Oh, god, how I hated those noises. Especially now, as I gnawed at the glove protecting the delicate skin on my left hand, biting down hard in an effort to keep the tears at bay. A few harsh words from someone who only wanted the best for me and already I was weepy. I used to be so much stronger than this.

Part of the problem could be blamed on the medication. I was doped up to the eyeballs, my blood flowing with a constant stream of prescription drugs that kept the worst of the pain away and allowed me to walk with only moderate stiffness. The pills were messing with my hormones something fierce, so a few changes in behavior were surely to be expected.

…Oh, who was I kidding? The drugs did make me more emotional, but they were not the reason why I was on the verge of tears. It was because of this horrible place, this tomb, where memory ghosts flitted at the corners of my eyes and taunted me with visions of happier times.

I didn’t understand how Raph could bear to live here anymore. Hell, I could barely stand it myself for more than a few hours at a time. I wouldn’t come down here at all if Raph didn’t rely on me to bring them food occasionally… or if I didn’t love them so much. Shattered and reduced as they were, they were still my family, and they had earned my devotion a thousand times over. I would do just about anything for them, including returning time and again to a place that made my soul ache so profoundly I thought I might die.

Finally reaching the dark hallway, I felt along the wall until my hand brushed across the light switch. Flipping it up and squinting into the sudden brightness, I leaned against the wall and simply stared at the dojo door for a long moment, before blowing out a low breath and mentally squaring my shoulders. Limping over, I rapped the knuckles of my good hand against the doorframe. “Leo, it’s April. Can I come in?”

I waited for twenty seconds, thirty, before finally admitting to myself that he wasn’t going to answer. I hadn’t really expected anything else, but my heart sank nevertheless. It was stupid, I guess, but I kept hoping that the next time would be different. That he would finally answer me, even if it was nothing more than a rebuff. God, I would give just about anything to hear his voice again.

“I’m coming in, okay?” I said. Turning the handle and pushing inward, the door opened wide with a protracted creak that would’ve done any fifties horror flick proud.

Leo was sitting in center of the practice mat as usual, his legs folded in the Lotus position and a floor lamp burning at his back. He looked for all the world like he was meditating; that is, if one chose to ignore the limp way his hands rested on his knees or the utter lack of expression in his open eyes.

I knew I was going to regret it later, but I nevertheless lowered myself to the floor beside him. It was painful and a bit awkward with my braced leg stretched out straight and stiff ahead of me, but I managed. “Hello,” I said quietly, reaching out and taking one of his hands.

Leo had been injured in the same incident that had taken away my freedom of movement, but, unlike me, he hadn’t had the advantage of hospital care. With only the scant few medical supplies that Don had acquired over the years and the determined but inexpert care of Raph, he had hovered at the edge of death for weeks, his burns exacerbated by bacterial infections and improper treatment. Miraculously, though, the infections had eventually cleared and he’d slowly clawed his way back to the land of the living.

The turtles were an undeniably tough bunch, for Leo was sitting up only a month after the explosion that had nearly taken his life. He was able to walk short distances in another week and had even begun to practice his katas again. Raph had said that Leo had acted as normal as was possible under the circumstances, until one day he’d just … shut down.

That had been nearly a month ago, and Leo hadn’t picked up his swords since. Christ, he didn’t eat, sleep or even move on his own initiative anymore. He was trapped within himself, locked in a kind of catatonic stupor that rendered him mute and seemingly oblivious to the world around him. It was as if his soul had suddenly packed up and left without a forwarding address.

He was no longer able to care for himself, so the only reason he hadn’t keeled over a while ago was that he was susceptible to certain repeated verbal commands. He would eat if Raph or I ordered him to, and sleep only at our insistence. The rest of the time he would wander back to the dojo, fold himself into the familiar meditation position and stare expressionlessly at nothing. If Raph or I weren’t there to make him move once in a while, he’d probably just sit there until he died.

When I’d asked what could have triggered this sort of extreme reaction so late in the game, Raph’s response had been both cryptic and biting: “I took him to see the graves.”

I knew Raph probably blamed himself for what had happened, as if he should have realized Leo wasn’t emotionally ready to see the burial site; the final definitive proof that their family would never again be whole. But how could Raph have known?

How could anyone have anticipated this?

“Leo, look at me,” I said firmly. He seemed to be a bit more responsive today, for I only had to repeat the order once more before he complied.

His head turned slowly, almost mechanically, before he stopped and fixed his gaze on the skin a few centimeters above my left collarbone. No matter how many times I repeated the order I could never get him to look at me directly, so I didn’t even try anymore. What I now saw in his downcast eyes was disturbing enough anyway, without being subjected to the full treatment. There was no still no recognition there; no sense that he knew who I was... or that I was even in the same room.

My vision blurred and I hurriedly crammed my glove into my mouth. God, I hated to see him like this. He’d always been the strong, levelheaded one. Who would’ve thought that Raph would be able to keep it together while Leo, of all people, would completely lose his mind?

I slowly removed the glove from my teeth and reached out, touching his cheek. My fingers brushed against the scars that ran along the side of his face, framing his right eye in ridges of mottled gray-green tissue. No reaction. His eyes were still as blank and empty as a doll’s.

My throat was suddenly so tight it was painful. I had to ask, though, so I swallowed hard and forced the words out. “Where are you, Leo? Where did you go that we can’t find you?”

I didn’t expect a response, so imagine my surprise when his face suddenly changed, molding itself for an instant into something that almost resembled lucidity. He opened his mouth and spoke, the first word he had said to me in a long, long time. The scars across his throat had turned his voice into a cracked and ruined parody of what it once was, but I still heard him clearly.

I gasped and snatched my hand from his cheek, cramming it into my mouth for the second time in as many minutes. I turned away and stared fixedly at the wall, biting down hard enough for needles of pain to dart up my arm, and studying the brickwork as if it held the secrets of the universe. Anything to keep me from seeing the vacant expression return to his once proud eyes. Anything… oh god, anything at all, to distract me from what he had just said.

“Where are you, Leo? Where did you go that we can’t find you?”

“…Hell.”